The Funcooker

Are you pickling squirrel meat? Because I can lend you my skull presser.

There's a stacker thing to separate your junk mail from your humidifier catalogs.

A round, plastic deal that holds your shoes with a pocket for a photograph of what shoes are in there.

Like a phoenix rise... Watch out! Or... maybe this is going to be the worst day ever.

Everybody shut up! Shut up, Lutz.

Already today, I have lost faith in 'decorganizing'

lost a shoving match to what I thought was a female bike messenger

Why are you not wearing pants?... They still have the heat set for winter and my office is boiling.

I told you to buy more 'Proactiv'.

Sir, as I'm sure you know from reading my blog

inspired by, but, for legal reasons, not based on Janis Joplin

Synonym's just another word for the word you want to use...?

You and this gravy-face have slarneyed up a real donnybrook!

Wake up, mother --

50 grand? Can anyone cut this in half?

I only heard the 'thin' part, Liz.

Obviously, you can't do both T.G.S. and Janie Jimplin.

We could cut the lesbian scene. But the Oscars love that kind of thing. There's two guys at my gym named Oscar.

Jenna. That's a glue stick.

The pocket microwave? You can buy it on Friday along with everyone else. It has a ham button. You used my idea!

I haven't been this tired since I was forced to do that dance marathon in Dubai.

Mostly because I checked the wrong box on a form once.

It's being funded by the U.S. military and the W.N.B.A.

Take 25 of these a day for the rest of your life.

I've got my Princess Leia outfit and some Playgirl magazines from the early 1980s. They will dismiss me immediately as a weirdo.

We all will, Kenneth. We all will.

You guys are my best friends.

I guess 'F.C.C.' stands for 'Federal Bunch of Sticklers'.

I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV.

That's always the lesson! If you have money, you can do whatever you want.

I am not asking you this as the boss you love to undermine, but as the friend whose birthday you love to forget.

And I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.

The subject is unusually thirsty.

College students, the morbidly obese and homosexuals.

the 'Bitenuker', is highly offensive to those who speak either French or Dutch.

A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it 'bet nyooker'. Hey! That's awful!

Let's not shoot for the middle this time.

This ain't Chicago, honey.

The pig spoor has hit the wind spinner.

And I keep starting to sneeze... but nothing comes out.

Attention, everyone! All menstruating women go home immediately!

You know what I like to do for eight hours? The TV Guide crossword puzzle.

They're all dead, Lemon. They're all dead unless they come up with a name for my pocket microwave.

Hey, I'm rapping Obama. Hey, I'm Josh doing an impression of DeNiro as an auctioneer.

The Small Wonder. The 'Micro-Mate'. The 'Porta-Hotty'.

I see you... self-publishing your novel and moving back in with your parents.

What sounds more shocking? Or...

All we do is joke around together about our stupid boss, Liz Lem...

I'll just buy up all the ads and let that hilarious Tracy Jordan character do whatever he wants.

They knew what a 'Hot Richard' was?

'V'. 'A'. 'G'... Why don't we start over?

Throw in a late Hannukah and the fact that I work in a Kwanzaa neighborhood

But I suspect they were doing sex with each other.

most of whom would be unemployable in any other field

And don't even get me started on Tracy and Jenna.

All of it would dance in the warm mouth of my fire.

And a new, better, wonderful me would rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

So, it's kind of like a 'funcooker'.

One hug, you mean?

Peace and love, Track Jordan.

I am an advertiser.

I'm freer than you. I'm freer than you.

Professor Bananas is dead.

Hey. Is your vision steadily narrowing down to a pinpoint as if a darkness is closing in on you?

Sleep or die!

Check out my funcooker!

My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them? Because they're out by the trash cans.

Here comes the funcooker.

Bite nuker!

Let's go out this weekend and talk about you.

All I did was ask for a Diet Slice and some pita chips.

heat up some ham... in the shower.

It works in the shower?

You know what? This really is the best day ever.

Here comes the funcooker!