Michael tries to find out who's the father of Maggie's baby, or if it's just another of her lies; Gob tries to find out whether he was responsible for Buster's accident.
Escalation-driven episode hits 85.8 with 61 jokes—visual gags fuel Bluth family chaos.
Directed by Joe Russo · Written by Mitchell Hurwitz, Chuck Martin
WAR
118.4
Wins Above Replacement
“Hand To God” ranks #59 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 93.8 — Elite. The episode packs 74 scored jokes at 2.5 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
Get weekly comedy rankings
Join comedy fans getting new analyses, score drops, and the funniest moments each week. Free, no spam.
Top Jokes
Narrator · Buster: Buster was attacked by 'a loose seal' — audio of seal barking.
Doctor · Lucille · Michael · Lindsay: Lucille: 'Not Dr. Wordsmith.' Then: Doctor says Buster 'is going to be all right' meaning he still has his right hand, not that he'll recover. 'He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be "all right."'
Lucille: Lucille prays: 'Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen, please make it Gob's.'
Lucille Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Gob · Buster: Gob: 'How the hell would a seal know how to tie a bow tie anyway? I can barely tie the yellow one that I wear in my act.' Buster: 'This one had a yellow bow tie!'
Gob Buster Escalation Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Gob: Gob: 'God! It's like herding cats!' — while literally herding cats on a boat.
Gob Meta/Self-Referential Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 74 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ George Michael: George Michael's deadpan response when asked if he's alone: 'Almost always, yeah.'
George Michael · Narrator: Ann's religious group is trying to get Nip/Tuck off the air. 'Ironically, she likes Gangy.'
Michael · George Michael: Michael says he'd never date anyone without George Michael being okay with it. George Michael: 'You don't have to do that.' Michael: 'Great, because I didn't do it this time.'
George Michael · Michael: George Michael on Maggie: 'Didn't she turn out to not be blind though?' Michael: 'Exactly.'
Narrator · George Michael: Narrator: 'Michael hadn't seen her in eight and a half months, during which she had filled out.' George Michael: 'Really? Could have sworn it was a year.'
Michael · George Michael: Michael says Maggie might not really be pregnant because she lies. George Michael: 'Boy, you really are my kid.' Michael: 'Good. Apparently, so is this one.'
Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias: Narrator reveals Lindsay and Tobias broke into Maggie's house to hide in her bathroom and collect/test her urine.
Maggie · Narrator: Maggie: 'Oh, you're so right, Michael, 'cause I'm fakin' it—' Narrator: 'But he was proven wrong.' Maggie: '—Not.'
Lucille · Oscar · Narrator: Lucille: 'I don't know which one.' Oscar: 'The hand.' Narrator: 'I do.'
Narrator · Buster: Buster was attacked by 'a loose seal' — audio of seal barking.
Lucille · Oscar · George Sr.: Lucille: 'If only your father was here.' Oscar: 'Oh, that George. God only knows where he is.' Buster (from attic window): 'The car!'
George Sr. · Lucille: George Sr. test-driving a Ford Escape from a dealership, yelling 'Up yours, granny!' while Lucille echoes 'You couldn't handle it!'
George Sr. · Car Salesman: George Sr. at dealership: 'Yeah, the Bronco's been discontinued. We're trying to shed that whole "fugitive on the run" thing.' Salesman: 'This is the Escape.' George Sr.: 'What a fun name, hmm?'
Michael · George Michael · Lucille: Michael tells George Michael he'll have to be the 'baby of the family.' George Michael: 'Um, Maeby's younger than me.' Michael: 'You're never going in the ocean! Never!'
Doctor · Lucille · Michael · Lindsay: Lucille: 'Not Dr. Wordsmith.' Then: Doctor says Buster 'is going to be all right' meaning he still has his right hand, not that he'll recover. 'He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be "all right."'
Buster: Buster: 'Actually, I'm relieved. I don't have to go to army because the seal with the bow tie attacked me. I feel like I've lost three pounds.'
Buster Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Buster · Lucille: Buster mentions 'the seal with the bow tie' that attacked him. Lucille: 'Seal with the bow tie?'
Buster · Michael: Buster: 'And my hand is off to you.' Then hysterical laughter from himself, forced laughter from Michael.
Buster · Michael: Buster: 'A seal didn't bite your Linus off, did it?' Michael: 'No, a seal didn't bite my Linus off.'
Buster · Michael: Buster: 'Then go to her. Ask for her hand.' Michael: 'And maybe I'll get one for my brother while I'm at it.'
Buster · Michael · Lucille: Buster's hook (temporary prosthetic) gets caught and causes him to scream. Everyone panics. 'Whose idea was the temporary hand?'
Buster: Buster's sudden screaming outburst after the laughing — 'Get the [bleep] out of my room!'
Buster Misdirection Reaction Beat Barry · Michael: Barry the lawyer: 'She's in the bar. What a spanking I gave her in court today.' Then he spanks Michael. Michael: 'Did you spank her?' Barry: 'No!'
Michael · Police Officers: Michael confesses the break-in to police officers who are currently investigating... the break-in he's confessing to.
Michael: Michael on the potential Harvard sperm donor father: 'He's probably some geek Simpsons writer's kid.'
Michael Meta/Self-Referential Irony/Sarcasm Michael · Narrator: Narrator: 'Michael had always thought of himself as that great a guy. The kind of guy who could raise someone else's baby.' Michael: 'Of course I am.' Narrator: 'But he wasn't — and he regretted it the moment he said it.' Visual of Michael mouthing silent words.
Buster · Family: Buster comes home from hospital. 'Let's all give me a big hand!' Family reacts with forced, horrified laughter.
Michael · George Michael: George Michael is sent to get Uncle Buster a bandage 'for his forehead. And while you're at it, get two.'
Lucille: Lucille: 'Guess this means you don't wanna play "got your nose" with me.' Followed by forced laughing.
Lucille Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort Gob: Gob arrives and doesn't notice Buster's missing hand at first. 'Oh, my God! What—What happened to your— He's got no hand!'
Gob Reaction Beat Character Comedy Gob: Gob's defense of seals: 'A seal would never prey on a human unless, of course, it had acquired a taste for mammal blood.'
Gob Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Gob · Buster: Gob: 'How the hell would a seal know how to tie a bow tie anyway? I can barely tie the yellow one that I wear in my act.' Buster: 'This one had a yellow bow tie!'
Gob Buster Escalation Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Lucille · Michael: Narrator: 'And later, Lucille could not contain her guilt any longer.' Lucille: 'I did this. I prayed that God take anything he wanted from us so that Buster wouldn't have to go to war.' Michael: 'Oh, Mom. After all these years, God's not gonna take a call from you.'
Gob · Michael: Gob: 'I did this. I think that the seal with the yellow bow tie might be the one that I released into the sea after giving it the taste for mammal blood.' Michael: 'Okay. You've got a better case than Mom does.'
Gob: Gob: 'At the very least, I can remove that incriminating bow tie.'
Gob Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator: Lindsay and Tobias claim to know where their daughter Maeby is. 'She's with her debate club, and they're on their way to Sacremende for the semifinals.' Narrator: 'She wasn't. And a Google search of the word "Sacremende" only came up with this.'
Maeby: Maeby on the film set: 'What on earth is taking so long? Am I the only one who wants to get home and see their kids?' — a teenage girl who is herself a neglected child.
Maeby Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Michael · Lindsay · Tobias: Michael asks where 'your child' is. Lindsay and Tobias: 'I don't have a child, Michael.' / 'We don't have a child, Michael.' Then both realize: 'Did you mean Maeby?'
Michael · George Michael: Michael: 'I'll find somebody who wants an adventure.' Then immediately: 'George Michael, how would you like to get away from Uncle Buster?' George Michael: 'I'd really like that.'
Michael · George Michael: Michael: 'I'll find somebody who wants an adventure.' / [whispers to George Michael] 'George Michael, how would you like to get away from Uncle Buster?'
Michael: Michael can't fit through the doggy door: 'I can't fit through that doggy door. But I am gonna risk being caught out here. Be careful.'
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm George Michael · Michael: George Michael retrieves a phone number taped to the outside of Maggie's door — he never even went inside. Michael: 'It's probably the Sparkletts guy.'
Michael · Police Officer: Police officer informs Michael his partner is inside Maggie's house with his gun drawn, just as Michael claimed they were 'just waiting to see if Maggie's home.'
Gob: Gob at the dock: 'I'm lookin' for the seal that's got the taste for kitty blood.' He's surrounded by cats meowing.
Gob Absurdist Character Comedy Gob: Gob: 'I'll pay you handsomely.' — to the meowing cats.
Gob Wordplay/Pun Absurdist ★ Rewatch Gob: Gob: 'God! It's like herding cats!' — while literally herding cats on a boat.
Gob Meta/Self-Referential Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Film Crew · Maeby · Gob: Film crew on the camera boat: 'Why are there cats in the shot? This is the camera boat. Can you lose the [bleep] cats please?' [Maeby appears]
Michael · George Michael: Michael introduces the situation to George Michael: 'In there is the father of the child that Maggie wants me to help her raise. And he probably doesn't know that she's got another man involved.'
Michael · Taylor · David: Michael confronts the address, expecting a romantic rival. The door is opened by a gay couple. 'There's a father. There's two fathers. David!' / 'I'm making gravy.' / 'That bitch is gonna keep our child.'
Taylor · David · Michael: The song 'Hot Cops' plays as Michael is surrounded by Taylor and David at the door.
Taylor · David: Taylor and David explain the surrogacy: 'In a funny way, neither do we. We just gave her a mixed cocktail. Two parts Taylor. Two parts Carter. And let her do her thing.'
Michael: Michael: 'I just hope you find out which one of you can breast-feed.' Then immediate embarrassed backtrack.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy David: David: 'Boy, you just cannot get off the breast thing, can you?' — at the later hospital scene.
David Callback Character Comedy Callback Michael · Narrator: Michael: 'For once, I'm one lie ahead of Maggie Lizer's lies.' Narrator: 'In fact, Michael was one lie behind her.'
Maggie · Barry · Loretta: Maggie in court reveals Loretta is wearing a fat suit, then rips it off — and Loretta is actually just fat. Barry: 'Wow. Did I lose this one.'
Judge · Barry: Judge: 'Mr. Zuckerkorn, you've been warned about touching.' Barry: 'You said spanking.' Judge: 'I want this case thrown out immediately.'
Maggie: Maggie says 'Quickly, Your Honor. Quickly throw it out' while Loretta's water breaks — begging the judge to dismiss the case before the surrogate baby is born in the courtroom.
Maggie Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Narrator · Tobias · Lindsay: Narrator: 'It was Loretta's urine that Tobias and Lindsay ended up testing — a fact they missed when they were making out in the shower.'
Gob · Maeby: Gob tells Maeby: 'I think I'm responsible for Buster's hand.' Maeby: 'Yeah, and I'm responsible for an $80-million movie without an ending.' Gob: 'I know those problems seem big when you're a kid, Maeby.'
Gob: Gob tells Maeby to 'just tell him the truth' and 'he'll respect you for it.' Then: 'Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.'
Gob Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Narrator · Lucille: Narrator: 'And back at the penthouse, Lucille was praying for the second time in her life.'
Lucille: Lucille prays: 'Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen, please make it Gob's.'
Lucille Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Narrator · Buster: Narrator: 'It was at that exact moment that Buster did forget he'd lost his hand.' — as Buster's prosthetic hook catches in something and he screams.
Buster: Buster realizes the prosthetic hook has caught in something and screams: 'I'm a monster!'
Buster Character Comedy Escalation Gob · Buster · Narrator: Gob confesses to Buster that the seal was his, gives a tearful truth-telling moment. Buster: 'You did this to me?' Gob: 'Yeah.' Narrator: 'And Gob was about to experience something that didn't feel that good.'
Elderly Man · George Michael: George Michael is told to wait in the car outside the hospital. 'Don't smoke, sonny.' — from a dying/coughing elderly man.
Michael: Michael in the hospital room with Maggie: 'Is this our little bundle of... two gay cops' baby?'
Michael Misdirection Character Comedy Maggie: Maggie admits she outsourced the surrogacy after she couldn't get pregnant: 'Hey, I outsourced it, okay?'
Maggie Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Michael · George Michael · Narrator: Michael tells George Michael: 'You're the only son I've ever needed.' Bell dings. Narrator: 'That's all the adventure I've ever needed.' Then Michael sends George Michael to 'M. Main floor.' Narrator: 'But M didn't stand for main floor.'
Narrator: PA System: 'Dr. Ward to the morgue, please. Dr. Ward to the morgue, please. Stat.' [Tool whirring sound]
Narrator Dark/Subversive Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Michael · Maggie: Michael and Maggie say 'When we're together it's like—' Michael: 'Magic?' Maggie: 'I was gonna say train wreck.'
Michael · Maggie · Narrator: Michael and Maggie make a vow: 'No more lying. No deceit, no sex. Everything.' Narrator: 'But that, too, turned out to be a lie.'
Narrator · Buster · Gob · Doctor: On the next AD: Buster and Gob 'find themselves closer than ever' after Gob's hook is lodged in Buster's ass. Doctor: 'You've still got a hook in your ass.'
Maggie: Maggie's 'big surprise' in the next-episode teaser: she's apparently pregnant again (or still). 'You have got to be kidding me.'
Maggie Running Gag Escalation Callback Top Episodes — Arrested Development
