Michael tries to find out who's the father of Maggie's baby, or if it's just another of her lies; Gob tries to find out whether he was responsible for Buster's accident.
Escalation-driven episode hits 85.8 with 61 jokes—visual gags fuel Bluth family chaos.
Directed by Joe Russo · Written by Mitchell Hurwitz, Chuck Martin
WAR
78.1
Wins Above Replacement
“Hand To God” ranks #22 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 85.8 — Elite. The episode packs 61 scored jokes at 2.1 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.1 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Doctor: Yes. He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be 'all right.'
Doctor Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Gob: You're back in the real world. You're not gonna be hand-fed anymore.
Gob Wordplay/Pun Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Lucille: Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen... please make it Gob's.
Lucille Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Lindsay: Oh, Mom. After all these years, God's not gonna take a call from you.
Lindsay Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Callback Michael · Buster: My hat is off to you. - And my hand is off to you.
All Jokes — 61 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ George Michael: Almost always, yeah. You know, Maeby's never around anymore... and Ann's off with her religious group, trying to get Nip/Tuck off the air.
George Michael: Something about God wants people to age naturally- I don't know. Ironically, she likes Gangy.
George Michael · Michael: You don't have to do that. - Great, because I didn't do it this time.
George Michael · Michael: Her? - Didn't she turn out to not be blind though? - Exactly.
Michael · Narrator: But she's filled out a little bit. [Narrator] Michael hadn't seen her in eight and a half months... during which she had filled out. Really? Could have sworn it was a year.
Michael · George Michael: See, that's what I thought. - Boy, you really are my kid. - Good. Apparently, so is this one.
Narrator · Lindsay · Tobias: to collect and test her urine. - It was there that they stumbled upon a fat suit. - That's what it is.
Maggie · Narrator: Oh, you're so right, Michael, 'cause I'm fakin' it- - But he was proven wrong. - Not.
Lucille · Michael: Hello? - [Screaming] Mom, you've got to stop starting conversations like that.
Lucille · Narrator: Who remembers about what? - [Narrator] I do.
George Sr. · Lucille: Up yours, granny! - You couldn't handle it!
Car Salesman · George Sr.: Yeah, the Bronco's been discontinued. We're trying to shed that whole 'fugitive on the run' thing. - This is the Escape. - What a fun name, hmm?
Lucille · George Michael: George Michael, you're going to have to be the baby of the family. - Um, Maeby's younger than me.
Lucille · Doctor: Not Dr. Wordsmith. - How's my son? - He's going to be all right.
Lucille · Michael · George Michael: You're never going in the ocean! Never! - We're here to see him. - You're my baby! I'm never letting you go!
Doctor: Yes. He's lost his left hand, so he's going to be 'all right.'
Doctor Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Lucille · Lindsay: You son of a bitch! I hate this doctor! - He's a very literal man.
Buster: Actually, I'm relieved. I don't have to go to army because the seal with the bow tie attacked me. I feel like I've lost three pounds.
Buster Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Michael · Buster: My hat is off to you. - And my hand is off to you.
Buster · Michael: I mean, a seal didn't bite your Linus off, did it? - No, a seal didn't bite my Linus off.
Buster · Michael: Then go to her. Ask for her hand. - Yeah. And, uh, maybe... I'll get one for my brother while I'm at it.
Buster: Get him out of here! - Hmm? - Get him out of here! Get the- [Bleeps] Out of my room!
Buster Escalation Character Comedy Michael · Barry Zuckerkorn: Have you seen Maggie? It's kind of important. - Oh, you just missed her. She's in the bar. What a spanking I gave her in court today.
Barry · Michael · Maggie: Go get 'em. - He spanked me! - Did you spank her? - No!
Michael: Of course. That's what the fat suit is for.
Barry: [Spanks] - Ooh, I did good today.
Barry Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Michael: That's great. He's probably some geek Simpsons writer's kid.
Michael Meta/Self-Referential Observational ★ Rewatch Buster: And while you're at it, let's all give me a big hand!
Buster Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Buster: Guess this means you don't wanna play 'got your nose' with me.
Buster Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Gob: Oh, my God! What-What happened to your- He's got no hand!
Gob Reaction Beat Character Comedy Gob: You're back in the real world. You're not gonna be hand-fed anymore.
Gob Wordplay/Pun Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Lucille · Gob · Buster: How the hell would a seal know how to tie a bow tie anyway? - I can barely tie the yellow one that I wear in my act. - This one had a yellow bow tie!
Lindsay: Oh, Mom. After all these years, God's not gonna take a call from you.
Lindsay Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Callback Lindsay: Well, first of all, I'm sure there are writers on The Simpsons who aren't geeks.
Lindsay Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Lindsay · Tobias: Is he trying to get out of having this baby? - We want this child. It's given us a reason to stay together.
Michael · Lindsay · Tobias: Where's your child? - I don't have a child, Michael. - We don't have a child, Michael. - That's why we want-
Tobias · Narrator: She's with her debate club, and they're on their way to Sacremende for the semifinals. [Narrator] She wasn't. And a Google search of the word 'Sacremende' only came up with this.
Michael · George Michael: It's another Bluth Boy adventure. We're like a team. - We're like Red McGibbon and Bullet. - Who?
Michael · George Michael: You didn't even go inside. - It was taped to the door. - It's probably the Sparkletts guy.
Michael: Close call there, Bullet. I'm so sorry about that.
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Gob: I'm lookin' for the seal that's got the taste for kitty blood.
Gob Wordplay/Pun Absurdist Callback Gob: God! It's like herding cats.
Gob Irony/Sarcasm Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Gob · Maeby: Uncle Gob? Maeby?
Taylor · Carter: There's a father. There's two fathers. David! - I'm making gravy.
Hot Cop: Hot cops [Hisses] Hot
Hot Cop Running Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Well, why should you? I just hope you find out which one of you can breast-feed.
Maggie · Barry · Judge: What are you doing? - Okay, so she's fat. - Your Honor, this is an outrage! - Wow. Did I lose this one.
Loretta · Barry: Oh, no! My water just broke! - Quickly, Your Honor. Quickly throw it out.
Gob · Maeby: Look, this is kind of weird advice for me to be giving... but why don't you just tell him the truth? I mean, he'll respect you for it. - Thanks, Maeby. - Okay, now I'm just lying for no reason.
Gob Maeby Irony/Sarcasm Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Lucille: Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen... please make it Gob's.
Lucille Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Buster: Oh! No, stop it, stop it, stop it! Oh, you caught my tendon in your claw! - My claw? Aw, God! [Hysterical Whimpering] I'm a monster!
Buster Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Buster: Oh! No, stop it, stop it, stop it! Oh, you caught my tendon in your claw! My claw? Aw, God! I'm a monster!
Old Man: Don't smoke, sonny. [Wheezing Cough]
Michael: Is this our little bundle of... two gay cops' baby?
Taylor: Boy, you just cannot get off the breast thing, can you?
Taylor Callback Character Comedy Callback Maggie: So l- Hey, I outsourced it, okay?
Maggie Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Narrator: [Narrator] But 'M' didn't stand for 'main floor.'
Michael · Maggie: When we're together, it is like- - Magic? - I was gonna say 'train wreck.'
Narrator: [Narrator] But that, too, turned out to be a lie.
Narrator Irony/Sarcasm Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Doctor: But unfortunately, you've still got a hook in your ass.
Doctor Visual Gag Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Maggie: You have got to be kidding me.
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