Indian Takers

Lindsay · Guru:The spiritual guru holds up a Louis Vuitton knockoff bag and calls it 'real' while Lindsay debates the authenticity of her designer handbag instead of engaging with the spiritual lesson.

Narrator:Narrator: 'The hillside was also known for their bargains on designer handbags.'

Lindsay · Vendor · Other Buyer:Lindsay gets outbid on the 'best bag on the mountain' by another buyer, escalating from $60 to $120, while the vendor repeats 'best bag on the mountain' with each transaction.

Narrator:Title card: 'It's Lindsay's Arrested Development.' The episode title screen parodies the show's main title with Lindsay's name.

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay was on a spiritual journey to let go of all possessions and to find something cute to keep her stuff in.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'after finding out she wasn't born to the family she couldn't bear.'

Narrator · Michael · Lindsay:Narrator: 'So, after getting briefly creepy with her brother... / Michael: I'm just not that into older women.'

Lucille · Tobias:Lucille: 'At least I was able to turn my Queen around.' / Tobias: 'None taken.'

Lucille · Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:Lucille: 'You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you?' / Lindsay: 'Adopted daughter.' / Tobias (narrator intro): 'This is Tobias Fünke, who should have taken more.'

Lindsay · Family Members:Lindsay walks to the wrong side of the courtroom — the victims' side — while her family calls her back.

Tobias:Tobias: 'Your brother, uh... Michael? Sorry. I was thinking of Mike, the hot seaman.'

Lindsay · Bystander · Narrator:Lindsay: 'My life is a fallacy.' / Bystander: 'Is that a gall see?' / Narrator: 'No, it's just a fallacy.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'We loved that. Where's that from? It's from nothing.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay says 'Yeah, we should end it.' simultaneously as Tobias says 'Let's give it another shot.' — their complete misalignment revealed in one beat.

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay was looking for inspiration before she set out on her new path. And it only took until the 'Pray' section of Eat, Pray, Love for her to find it.'

Lindsay · Spiritual Guide:Lindsay calls the Uber/taxi driver 'Stay in your lane, anus tart!' while her spiritual guide is talking about the 'oneness of humanity.'

Lindsay:Lindsay asks the spiritual guide: 'And they have normal toilets, right?'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'after an hour or so with SkyMall, where she was proud of herself for only buying two things: a self-cleaning litter box in case she ever got a cat, and an inflatable hat box in case she ever got a hat.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'she got to a great article in the in-flight magazine and found herself filling up with inner peace and acceptance. I mean, not right away. That passenger had been pushing on her seat for, like, four hours.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'Lindsay's journey to let go of her baggage got off to a bad start at baggage claim when she picked up the wrong baggage.'

Bus Driver:Bus driver after hitting someone: 'No. It wasn't a cow. It was just a tourist.'

Lindsay:Lindsay discovers she grabbed the wrong bag and spirals: 'How am I supposed to find out who I really am dressed like this chick?'

Shop Owner · Lindsay:Shop owner: 'Oh, no, anything under a small is considered a David Spade.'

Vendor · Lindsay · Other Buyers:The 'best coat on the mountain / best bag on the mountain' bidding war repeats at Mall Mountain.

Concierge · Lindsay:Hotel concierge offers a shaman by the pool: 'Did you want the deep wisdom or just a light ego cleanse? We do those by the pool.'

Lindsay · Concierge:Lindsay asks to have the 'smell of lamb' removed from her room, and the concierge asks which animal smell she'd prefer. Lindsay asks which he recommends.

Shaman · Lindsay:Shaman: 'You are so full of (BLEEP).' Lindsay: 'Yeah, yeah. Although, in my culture, 'full of (BLEEP)' is kind of like a dig.'

Shaman · Lindsay:Shaman: 'This bag is as fake as you are. Well, how do I learn? Just look at the spelling.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'She had [been to the beach]. It was just too crowded to see the water.'

Hotel Staff · Lindsay:Hotel staff: 'I'm sorry. Your AmEx was declined. Your account is maxed out. We had to cancel your shaman appointment.' — delivered AFTER Lindsay has already spoken to the shaman.

Lucille · Lindsay:Lucille offers Lindsay money to testify favorably. Lindsay: 'Would you take a grimace?'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you're out of ideas.' — Lucille dismisses Lindsay's new spirituality as performance.

Michael:Michael: 'Seriously, shoot me if you ever catch me doing that.' (immediately after saying 'stop with the prayer hands')

Lindsay · Narrator:Lindsay: 'But I'm not here just for the stimmy... is Tobias.' — After much soul searching, she concludes love is where she left it — at home with Tobias.

Tobias:Tobias bursts in: 'I got the part!' — responding to Lindsay's tearful declaration of rekindled love.

Real Estate Agent:Real estate agent sees the couple and responds: 'Oh! Good heavens!' and then proceeds to find them a house.

Real Estate Agent:Real estate agent notes a 'surgi-center nearby' as a selling point of the neighborhood.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay and Tobias stumble through their financial disclosures: 'No income flow... no incoming income flow... plenty of outgoing income. No savings, no credit.'

Tobias · Lindsay · Real Estate Agent:Tobias: 'Work ethic!' — then immediately corrected: 'Right. No work ethic.' But they do have 'a daughter.'

Real Estate Agent · Lindsay:Oh, NINJA, please! / 'No income, no jobs, no assets.'

Real Estate Agent:Real estate agent: 'It's 2006. That's all good enough for me. We're gonna put you in a NINJA loan — No Income, No Jobs, No Assets.'

Real Estate Agent · Lindsay · Tobias:The escalating house tour: one-bedroom becomes three-bedroom becomes five-bedroom with four-car garage, butler's kitchen, wine cellar, separate master bathrooms, and double gatehouse — all because no one will say no.

Lindsay · Tobias · Real Estate Agent:The 'that way we have it' escalation — Lindsay, Tobias, and the agent spiral into a loop of agreeing they'll 'have' progressively more rooms/features they don't need.

Real Estate Agent:Agent: 'I just put John Beard into a house with a double gatehouse. Now, that's John Beard, he's on television. No one's gonna look down on you just 'cause you have less than John Beard.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'Mother's Day eve was the most joyous day of the year.' — Cut to the enormous, unfurnished new house.

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'Maeby, you're gonna be late for school.' Tobias: 'God, they grow up so slowly.'

Tobias · Lindsay:The Roomba is 'dead' again — 'Ran out of juice before it could reach its...' — Visual gag of the robot vacuum stranded in the unfurnished house.

Lucille · Lindsay · Narrator:Lucille's testimony includes the line 'when I was hungry, I suckled at her champagne glass breasts.' Buster wrote it from a camp letter.

Lucille · Lindsay · Narrator:Buster wrote it. / Recently? / I adapted it from a letter he wrote from camp. / I miss you, Mommy. Camp is scary at times. When I was cold, you clothed me. When I was hungry... Suckled at your champagne glass breasts.

Lucille · Buster (quoted):Lucille: 'I adapted it from a letter he wrote from camp.' — Buster's camp letter: 'I miss you, Mommy. Camp is scary at times. When I was cold, you clothed me. When I was hungry... suckled at your champagne glass breasts.'

Narrator:The camp is named 'Camp Kiss-A-Me-Mommy.'

Lindsay · Lucille:Lindsay: 'No. You know what? The money is not important to me. My shaman said...' / Lucille: 'Oh, don't give me that mystical nonsense. You think you're better than I am, but you're a lot more like me than you think.'

John Beard:News anchor John Beard announces layoffs at his station while leaving the keys to his 10,000-square-foot home in Harbor Shallows on the desk — the same neighborhood as Lindsay and Tobias's house.

Tobias · Lindsay:Well, it probably shouldn't affect our area. / He's over by where the fountain is.

John Beard:John Beard on TV: '...might I say to them, good luck getting that raccoon smell out of the gatehouse, because I never could.'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'But you and I are okay, right? I mean, this works, right?' / Lindsay: 'Never better.'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay: 'But how am I supposed to say something like, 'I love you, Mother,' and sound believable?' / Tobias: 'Or it's why you're out of work!'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias: 'I have been dying to go to that Method Acting Clinic... But you won't let me!' / Lindsay: 'Because you already wasted all that money on Carl Weathers' Master Acting Class.'

Tobias:Tobias blames being a 'star (BLEEP)' for why he didn't absorb Carl Weathers' Acting Masterclass

Tobias:Tobias: 'I'm sorry, but I'm such a star (BLEEP) that I didn't pay attention to anything he said!'

Lindsay · Tobias:Lindsay sincerely tells Tobias 'I really love you, Tobias.' / Tobias: 'Oh, Lindsay, we have got to get you to that acting clinic.' — Then: 'And that was with me picturing fudge.'

Tobias · Receptionist:Tobias, at what he thinks is a Method Acting Clinic, starts filling out a form with 'how you first got hooked.' He answers: 'You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.' / Receptionist: 'No, Mame.' / Tobias: 'No, ma'am... You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:The clinic turns out to be the 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.' Lindsay: 'What did you say the name of this acting class was again?' / Tobias: 'Method One Clinic.' — The sign reads 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Narrator:What did you say the name of this acting class was again? / Method One Clinic. / 'Garden Grove Methodone Clinic.'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Man at methadone clinic: 'You don't look like a junkie.' / Lindsay: 'Oh, thank you!' / Man: 'You do. What do you weigh, like, 90 pounds?'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Marky Bark refuses to give his name to state organizations, explains he got kicked off voter rolls for accidentally signing up for the wrong political group — turns out he joined al-Qaeda.

Marky Bark:No, I'm just kidding. / Oh! / So how is he? / Oh, he's dead.

Marky Bark:Marky: '...the only time DeBrie can keep food down is for about 20 minutes after she comes crashing off the methadone, so would you care to join us as we rustle up some grub to shove down our mouths?'

Tobias · Lindsay:Tobias in the car: 'It's so fun to have another couple to go out with.' / Lindsay: 'He's amazing... He's a real activist, like me.' / Tobias: 'And she's a real actress, like me!'

Tobias:Tobias about DeBrie: 'Oh, she used to be in big movies, but then, like a lot of actors, the teeth go... But she is the perfect age to be a Hollywood actress, 42.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Marky Bark:Lindsay: 'Do I like Barter?' / Tobias: 'No, it means they don't deal with money.' / 'That's why I swiped that methadone tray.'

Swappigan's Waitress:C.W. Swappigan's description: 'like a Salvation Army meets a soup kitchen, meets a gastro pub, meets a Marxist- or Leninist-type social structure.'

Waitress:Waitress: 'We don't have the fish, and we're not taking any more lava lamps.' (on the menu board of barter goods)

Tobias:Tobias: 'Oh, no. He just took some methadone. He thought he was driving with a cocktail tray.'

Tobias · Waitress:The barter negotiation: 'Cocktail tray, light scratching — for mozzarella sticks. Six, no sauce.' / 'And maybe some sparkling water.' / 'I'm sorry, sir. We're no longer taking hotel soaps.'

Host · Tobias:A lot of people couldn't handle a dumpster dive for their first double date. / Is that what this is?

Marky Bark:Marky, coming out of his methadone haze: 'Now, wait a second. I wasn't driving?'

DeBrie · Tobias:DeBrie eats all the butter at the table — Tobias tries to improvise a scene with her. 'Oh, I'm out. She's too good. I don't know who my guy is. I don't have a guy.'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Marky: 'I thought you were one of those typical, uptight, snobby, Newport Beach, vapid... Nut-busters!'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Marky: 'one of those monsters that lives in a 10,000-square-foot house that they destroyed the wetlands for.' / Lindsay: 'Those were wetlands? That explains our Thanksgiving miracle.'

Lindsay · Tobias · Maeby:The Thanksgiving flashback/reference: a live duck wandered into the house, the family chased it into the oven — 'This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever.' / 'It's a miracle!'

Lindsay · Marky Bark:Lindsay to Marky: 'Well, I actually do live in a fairly large house right now. But we've never made a payment on it.' / Marky: 'So you're sticking it to big banking. That's cool.'

Lindsay · Marky Bark · Narrator:Lindsay: '...he turned into an ostrich at the end, so... / They're not going to have that at the Embassy Suites.' / Marky: 'That's funny. I actually run an ostrich farm.' / Narrator: 'Coincidence?' / Lindsay: 'That's not a coincidence.' / Narrator: 'Yes, it is.'

Marky Bark · Narrator:Marky: 'That's because I say what I mean, I do what I feel. No lies.' / Narrator: 'Marky felt guilty because it wasn't his motto. It was the motto of a surf and skateboard company.' — Cut to company logo: 'Live truthfully. Skate through life.'

Marky Bark · Narrator:That's why my motto is, 'Live truthfully and skate through life.' / Marky felt guilty because it wasn't his motto. It was the motto of a surf and skateboard company.

Lindsay · Marky Bark:Lindsay/Marky in the car: 'I can't believe we just did that.' / 'I can't believe how little give your teeth have.'

Lindsay · Marky Bark · Narrator:Marky/Narrator post-sex: 'Wow. That was so fast.' / 'Thanks.' / 'I didn't know how long we'd be stuck in traffic, so...' / Narrator: 'And it sounds like it's moving, so... Move it!'

Marky Bark:Marky: 'I was always just in such a rush to grow up and change this world, and foolishly, the teeth I pulled were my adult teeth.'

Marky Bark:Marky: 'I have this condition called face blindness. I mean, I can tell you're a woman. Oh, stop.' — and then declares he can tell Lindsay has 'a great heart.'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:I mean, I can tell you're a woman. / Oh, stop. / But, honestly, no, all I see is, eyes and nose, hair, ears and... / But I can tell you got a great heart, Lindsay.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Because I'm really pretty. I just thought I'd tell you that so the story made sense.'

Marky Bark:Marky: 'Also wanted to make sure you weren't a dude. I can tell with voices usually, but some guys, they'll fool you if that's what they want to do.'

Marky Bark · Lindsay:Lindsay is leaving Tobias a message on the phone. Marky throws open the bathroom door: 'You want to wrap this up? My lady needs to call her loser ex.' — then realizes Lindsay IS the person on the phone.

Marky Bark:Marky: 'Oh! I thought you were taking a dump. I must have scared the (BLEEP) off that lady in the bathroom when I threw the door open and told her I loved her.'

Marky Bark:I must have scared the (BLEEP) off that lady in the bathroom when I threw the door open and told her I loved her.

Lindsay · Marky Bark · Tobias:Lindsay: 'He loves me?' / Marky: 'Sorry. False alarm.' / Tobias on phone: 'I don't love you.' / Marky: 'I got to go. Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby?'

Narrator:Narrator: 'And soon, the lovers arrived and discovered the joys of their new desert home, dancing and making love all night.' / 'Now, that time was also very quick. And now we've freed the night up to dance again.'

Narrator · Marky Bark:Now, that time was also very quick. / And now we've freed the night up to dance again.

Marky's Mother · Lindsay:Ostrich farm: A female ostrich chases Lindsay. Marky's mother shouts: 'Get away from her. Don't mess with her! She's none of your business.' / 'Thank you.' / 'I said get away from her, you slut! You're scaring the bird.'

Marky Bark:Marky: 'No, Mom. She's with us. She lives with us now. And, Mom, she tells me she's pretty.'

Marky's Mother:Marky's mother: 'I have the worst (BLEEP) shaman.'

Judge · Barry Zuckerkorn:Defense attorney at trial: 'Mr. Zuckerkorn, Shrimp-Shooter Night starts in 15 minutes. Is your witness going to appear?' / Zuckerkorn: '"Appear."' / 'Oh, I thought the one on the pier was a Bubba Gump's.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'And, in an effort to be less glamorous, Lindsay cuts her hair, only to discover, much to her frustration... / Great. Even cuter.'

Narrator · Tobias · C.W. Swappigan's Employee:And Tobias becomes addicted to his new profession. / I'm an addict, and I'm starving. / Yes, you are starving, so would you like some butter? / I could give you some butter, and you can pay for it with a shoe.

Tobias · Waitress:Tobias at Swappigan's: 'I'm an addict, and I'm starving.' / Swappigan's waitress: 'Yes, you are starving, so would you like some butter? I could give you some butter, and you can pay for it with a shoe.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'Um, I'm sorry, but his guy's not giving my guy anything to react to. Could I get some more of that acting juice?'