George Sr. comes up with a get rich quick scam after his family falls apart.
Lindsay's narcissism drives 18 of 58 jokes, anchoring the episode's cringe-comedy backbone.
Directed by Mitchell Hurwitz, Troy Miller · Written by Jim Vallely, Richard A. Rosenstock
WAR
66.1
Wins Above Replacement
“Borderline Personalities” ranks #48 of 84 Arrested Development episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 81.0 — Elite. The episode packs 58 scored jokes at 1.8 per minute, averaging 7.3 on craft and 6.9 on impact, with George Sr. landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
George Sr.: How about you book me two nights for Ray Romano at your casino?
George Sr.: I don't know what you saw, but I got an ostrich and no boner.
Stan Sitwell: I also lost a perfectly good pair of human chest hair nipple tufts when we hit the water.
Michael · George Sr. · Lucille: You had sex seven weeks ago? They were remodeling my room, and I pulled my cot in there, just like camp. We yelled at you to leave. Yeah, but then you whispered, 'Don't pull out!'
George Sr. · CEOs: Hell, I was so weak, you guys, I was willing to spend $10,000 just a little... sip of this lemonade. Fifteen! But now I can spend two hours in brutal heat with a cup of this cold, refreshing lemonade and just pour it in the dirt.
All Jokes — 58 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ George Sr. · CEOs: So hot. Anybody hallucinating yet? Did anybody else hear that iguana speak? Let's kill it.
George Sr. · CEOs: I'm not an iguana. It's part of the process. They're ready. They're ready!
George Sr.: I got you. You know, guys, even I, Father B., when I first started these sweat lodges, I would come out of there thinking, oh, God, I wish I had a... a lemonade. Just like a child, you know. Cold water, some lemons, a little sugar, you know. That's what I gave my power to!
George Sr. · Heartfire: She is silent, but in that silence, there is strength. She needs no words to communicate to you. Boundless power to you, too, Heartfire.
George Sr. · CEOs: Hell, I was so weak, you guys, I was willing to spend $10,000 just a little... sip of this lemonade. Fifteen! But now I can spend two hours in brutal heat with a cup of this cold, refreshing lemonade and just pour it in the dirt.
George Sr. · Daniels: Ah, come on, Daniels! You ran Bear Stearns, for God's sake! I was like this. Just like this.
George Michael · George Sr.: How was the party? Mom stole it. The whole boat? She had.
Barry: I'm wondering if we shouldn't have a plan in regards to bookkeeping, in case we accidentally make a mistake or get caught. What if we were to become a... an-an... an NLC? A 'No Liability Corporation.' We just have no liability, just nothing...
Barry Character Comedy Absurdist Barry · Others: Take to the sea! Three miles out, and it's a free-for-all! No rules, pirate radio laws. Really! Is this true, Mr. Zuckerkorn? Sure.
Character · Barry: you can't try a husband and wife for the same crime, right? Sure. We have the best attorneys.
Lucille: She's fine. You're lucky we didn't have an autumn, otherwise she'd be colder. Look what they've done, George! Look what the homosexuals have done to me. A joyride. That's what they decide to do with the freedom this country has given them.
Barry · George Sr.: First of all, won't be cheap. It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees. What's the good news? Oh, yeah. Well, from your perspective, I can see where you think it's all bad news. It's all bad news.
Barry: Also, it turns out that stealing the Queen Mary comes under maritime law, which, I just found out, is an actual thing. It's a real thing.
Barry Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Stan Sitwell: I also lost a perfectly good pair of human chest hair nipple tufts when we hit the water.
Stan Sitwell: That's kelp; why would I put it onto my chest or head or anywhere else? I was gonna show those babies off at the Jacuzzi after-party.
Stan Sitwell: Well, maybe not Halliburton, but definitely Halliburton Teen.
Narrator: Halliburton Teen was a leading youth and lifestyle retailer, despite the fact that it was a rebranding of the tarnished Halliburton Penitentiary and Rendition Systems.
Narrator Absurdist Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Stan Sitwell: Oh... aah...! Ow, my hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My beautiful hair!
Stan Sitwell · George Sr.: This isn't what it looks like! Oh, really? Because it looks like a monument to George W. Bush. Well, you got me.
George Sr. · Stan Sitwell: It'll never stand. It's too thin. It'll never stand. You see, the W's and the word 'bush.' I mean, what else could it be?
Stan Sitwell: It's a wall, George; you're looking at it sideways. The W stands for 'wall.' The bushes... Stand for the bushes.
George Sr.: Ah--this explains the immigration booth 10,000 feet in the air.
Stan Sitwell: You said that right after Lupe got the bleach stain on your teal blazer.
George Sr.: Bluth for two--I mean, one.
Host: I thought I already seated you.
Host Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Oscar: George! Actually, we came in to use the bathroom, but they sat me. And they have mahimahi today. Will you join us? Will you have a mahimahi on me? On you.
Oscar Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Oscar · Heartfire: This is Heartfire; she's an aura specialist. She did Matthew Modine. I will.
Dr. Norman: The bigger crime would've been the patient didn't wake up and testify against me. But nobody cares about the part of the oath he kept.
China Garden: If he as bad as the state of California say he is, then why did I fall in love with him, huh? Yo, [bleep] the state of California! [bleep] 'em! Bunch of California [bleep], yeah.
China Garden: Oh, great. Now you're gonna make me cry. Oh, lizard! Look! Look, a lizard! Cute!
Lucille · George Sr. · Michael: We're getting a divorce. I want to know about the stimulus package. We haven't had sex since Christmas, Michael!
Michael · George Sr. · Lucille: You had sex seven weeks ago? They were remodeling my room, and I pulled my cot in there, just like camp. We yelled at you to leave. Yeah, but then you whispered, 'Don't pull out!'
Michael: You had sex seven weeks ago?
John Beard: I'm John Beard, and I'm a Gloomy Gus. I don't have a mustache.
Narrator · Lucille: having found a way around both the building's strict no-smoking policy... and the fact that her ankle monitor prevented her from approaching the balcony.
Lucille · Michael: I have to stop. I have to stop. So... But, finally, I just ordered... pastrami shortcake, like I said, but I didn't order... I didn't order sprinkles this-- Oh, Mother, please. Please.
George Sr.: I'd give $10,000 for a glass of lemonade right now. Sweat... and squeeze.
Character · Narrator: Dr. Norman, we have a hot mess. George Sr. had been passed out for two days after having a vision...
CEO · George Sr. · Narrator: Does it come with lemonade? It comes with all the lemonade you can drink. 'Squeeze' had two meanings.
CEO · George Sr.: Does it come with lemonade? It comes with all the lemonade you can drink.
George Sr. · Oscar · Narrator: Hey. Hey. He had his twin brother endure it. Did you bring me some lemonade? No, sir. It is crazy out there. For the first time we are out.
George Sr. · Lucille: My wife doesn't understand me. My angel. I haven't had an orgasm outside of my bathtub in 30 years. How's that? Although, at times, I do wish it were darker.
George Sr. · Lucille: I don't know what's going on. For some reason I'm just getting Richard Burton today. Oh, my God, what's that? That's the commode.
Ostrich Spirit · George Sr.: You trespass on sacred ground. The spirits command me to warn you. You must leave this land or the land will change you. Don't worry, he's probably from a local reservation. I'll, I'll take care of this.
Ostrich Guy: You trespass on sacred ground. The spirits command me to warn you. You must leave this land or the land will change you.
George Sr.: How about you book me two nights for Ray Romano at your casino?
George Sr. · Ostrich Spirit: How about you book me two nights for Ray Romano at your casino? The strong will become the weak, the weak will become the strong. And get us close to the front but not close enough that Ray talks to us.
George Sr.: I don't know what you saw, but I got an ostrich and no boner.
George Sr.: I don't know what you saw, but I got an ostrich and no boner.
George Sr. Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Callback George Sr. · CEOs · Heartfire: Come on, guys, I looked the other way on the bottled water because you look thirsty, but you got to play along here. Heartfire? Where's the lemonade? Shh!
Dr. Norman · George Sr.: No, have you seen China Garden? No. Did you kill that armadillo? No, no, he's just under.
Character · Dr. Norman: Did you kill that armadillo? No, no, he's just under. If only we could use some of his medicine for our own pain. Oh, wait, I've got a full syringe in the car.
George Sr. · Barry: Wait, wait, that rally is tonight? Mm-hmm. But I'm supposed to meet my wife tonight, which I am dreading, by the way.
Lucille: You're so ugly from behind.
Lucille Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Barry: Too bad you can't use a double. Oh, also I used a look-alike named Stewart to take the California bar for me. But you knew that, right?
Barry Character Comedy Escalation Oscar · George Sr.: I just can't go on pretending to be you, sitting silently... Shh. ...in a, in a 100-degree mud hut for an hour and a half.
Oscar · Barry: I just pooped in a hole and covered it up. I hope I did the right thing. There's a commode. It's, it's directly uphill from the maca root.
Lucille · Oscar: I love it when you call my name. George! Don't call me that. Call me Father B.
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