Whistlers Mother

Narrator:Narrator: 'Michael was preparing for a meeting with the Bluth Company board to decide what to do with some recently unfrozen funds. Wow. Exciting, huh?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay mentions 'Mother's neck' as a 'bad investment' and Michael corrects: 'No, that was a good investment. It is easier to look at now, isn't it?'

Lindsay · Michael:Lindsay: 'I want to have an affair. Now, I'm not sure with who yet, but I'll need lingerie, waxings...'

Lindsay · Michael:Michael: 'These are some real costs, Michael.' — narrator's line describing Lindsay's actual itemized affair budget

Tobias:Tobias to Lindsay dancing: 'Well, Lindsay, could you use it over there? I'm trying to grow.'

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Yeah. It's clear that's not gonna happen. We had sex once in the last year, and he just laid there.'

Michael · Lindsay:Michael: 'Why don't you pick something else to boost up your self-worth? How about charity? Why don't you get back to your roots?' Lindsay: 'Well, it has been a while.' Michael: 'You're gonna go get your hair done, aren't you?'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'Oh, that's funny. I meant a matter of L and D — Life and Death.' [the note read 'a matter of land']

Lucille:Lucille: 'What is the matter of life and death? Buster's jaw clicks when he eats. I think it's what's driving his friends away.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'You know, Mom, if you want an operation that's really gonna help him, you ought to have them finally cut that cord.'

Lucille · Narrator:Lucille: 'I seem to remember a certain someone running to Mommy when his algebra teacher made an example of him.' [Narrator: Michael had been suspended when another boy cheated off his test.]

Michael · Lucille · Narrator:Flashback young Michael: 'Tracy won't marry me. I won't get a job, and...' Lucille: 'Let Mama take care of it.' [Narrator: The next day, Mr. Vandenbosch was not in school. He was never heard from again.]

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'I seem to remember a certain grown man who completely fell apart two weeks ago when I taped over the Nova special that had the girl on it he liked.' Michael: 'That was Buster. That's my point.'

George Michael:George Michael spots someone at the banana stand: 'Pop-Pop? Sorry, miss. Pop-Pop!'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael's elaborate theory: 'He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunnelled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candy apple on his way to Mexico!'

Maeby · George Michael:Maeby: 'Of course!' (sarcastically, after George Michael's candy apple theory) — then George Michael: 'You're mocking me.' Maeby: 'Of course.'

George Sr. · Michael:George Sr. (on phone from prison): 'So listen. My twin brother's in town. I want you to take care of him. Give him ten grand from the uh, new cash. Just send him on his way.'

George Sr. · Michael:Michael: 'Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?' George Sr. 'Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful though.'

Michael · Jordan:Michael: 'Especially Jordan. He's just waiting for me to screw up, so he can blow the whistle on me.' [Jordan, who is present, says nothing — then immediately offers to be bought out]

Jordan · Michael:Jordan: 'You don't need a whistle-blower around here.' Michael: 'Interesting choice of words, Mr. Jordan.'

Board member:Board member immediately blows their whistle at the meeting

Michael · Board member:Board member: 'He kept one.' Michael: 'There's a good example of whistle-blowing. But you've kept yours, so it's hurting your case.'

Board member · unidentified man:Man: 'I was in the bathroom when you asked for it back.' Board member: 'No, he wasn't.'

Tobias · Michael:Tobias to Michael: 'I just need to prove to my wife that I can act like a man. And it's not about sex. I don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.'

Michael · Tobias:Michael: 'That's not what I was thinking.' Tobias: 'Sorry, I just...' [trails off]

Lucille 2:Lucille 2 telling Michael she left her husband for someone: 'It's not about money in the sense that I'm saying, Here, Michael, take some money. It's just more of a May I have some? kind of visit.'

Lucille 2 · Michael:Lucille 2's confession of love leads to a cascading confusion: 'I'm in love with your brother-in-law.' 'You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?' 'No. Your sister's husband.' 'Michael? Michael!' 'No, that's your sister's brother.' 'I'm my sister's brother.' 'You're in love with me. Me!' 'I'm in love with Tobias.'

Lucille 2:Lucille 2: 'Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola though. Oh, but give me an old pro, like a Robert Redford? Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.'

Michael:Michael: 'Actually, that time that was what I was thinking.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay, meanwhile, arrived at the salon hoping to increase her self-esteem. Unfortunately, her stylist had just been called up by his reserve unit.'

Lindsay · Stylist · Narrator:Lindsay: 'Come on! These salon wars have got to stop!' Stylist: 'The war, Lindsay. The real war.' Narrator: 'Lindsay was stunned, not just that she was losing her stylist, but that apparently, there was a war going on.'

Lindsay · Narrator:Narrator: 'And Lindsay found a solution to her self-esteem problem.' — cut to Lindsay holding an anti-war protest sign.

Lindsay:Lindsay: 'Well, I'm protesting this war. You're my friend and I'm not gonna let Shauna cut my hair. I'm going to take a stand.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'And Lindsay found a solution to her self-esteem problem.' [Lindsay puts on a protest sign]

Gob · Tobias:Gob: 'What is it that people need?' Tobias: 'People love to carbo-load.' Gob: 'The bagel place.'

Narrator · Gob · Tobias:Narrator: 'Gob and Tobias accidentally had Michael on the hook and they didn't want to blow the deal.' [cut to Gob and Tobias staring at each other in silence]

Oscar · Michael:Oscar's reunion hug with Michael: 'Wow, you are like, like a rock. Oh, the tension! Come on. Oh, okay. That's plenty. Okay. That's the pancreas right there.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael: 'I have lemons, I make lemonade.' Oscar: 'I hate the lemonade business. I hate the grind. You have to grind so many... lemons.' Michael: 'You're not a very metaphorical person, are you?'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I could give you the rights to All You Need Are Smiles. That was a song I wrote for David Cassidy; he was gonna sing it on The Mike Douglas Show. But he was too embarrassed to do it in front of John and Yoko.'

Oscar · Michael:Oscar: 'The love that was taken from me.' Michael: 'I hope that was the espresso machine.'

George Sr.:George Sr.: 'He has a worthless piece of property and, yes, a head of hair only because he's never had to work for a living.'

George Sr.:George Sr.: 'Occasionally, they stop for a little lemonade, but what's that? That's a buck fifty. You can't make much from that.'

Maeby · Lindsay:Maeby: 'Hey, isn't this the same sign you used to picket the cable company when they dropped the Style Network?' Lindsay: 'Actually, I used this one for Michael when he was too cheap to pay for the premium channels. But I added the bit about the stylists.'

Maeby · Lindsay · George Michael:Maeby tries to tell Lindsay about seeing Pop-Pop: 'You know that secret you have? The one about the hair that nobody's supposed to see? Hai...' Lindsay: 'I saw it.' George Michael: 'I saw Pop-Pop.'

George Michael · Maeby:George Michael: 'He might need us to help him, so we should go check out the prison and make sure he's not there.' Maeby: 'Oh. Hey, you know, I got cable. You won that one!'

Oscar · Michael:Michael's phone answering machine spiral: 'Hi, this is Oscar. I'm off, pursuing my lady love. Leave a message. I'll get back to you next summer.' Michael: 'Hey, it's Michael. I know that you think that you've disappeared, but I will find you.'

Michael · George Michael:George Michael walks in during Michael's suspicious phone call: 'Who's disappeared?' Michael: 'No one. Why do you ask? Have you seen someone?' George Michael: 'I've seen no one.' Michael: 'Then you haven't seen anyone that looks like Pop-Pop.' George Michael: 'No. Why? Has someone who looks like Pop-Pop disappeared?'

Gob:Gob reveals 'Gobias Industries' business name: 'As in, Go buy us some coffee.'

Tobias:Tobias: 'This is the first any of us at Gobias Industries have heard of a land deal.'

Gob:Gob: 'He steamrolled Gobias.'

Jordan · Narrator:Jordan: 'I'm afraid... this offer comes off the table at midnight tonight.' Narrator: 'Maybe the worst bluff I've ever seen. Even the members of Gobias agreed on that one.'

Protest official · Lindsay:Protest official: 'I ask you to make sure you're fully inside the free speech zone before beginning your protest.' Lindsay: 'Free speech zone? This is where we're protesting? This isn't right. Where are the cameras?'

Protest official:Protest official: 'They're using their right to cut through the lemon grove.' / 'Okay, have fun, enjoy your right to free speech. The armed forces welcomes your dissent.'

George Sr. · George Michael · Maeby:George Sr. at prison: 'Don't you think that if I got out of here, I might want to go home?' George Michael and Maeby: 'That's what we thought. But then my dad told us about that lemon grove you bought, and we thought you were going there.'

Maeby · George Sr.:Maeby: 'We would never blow the whistle on family.' George Sr.: 'What lemon grove?'

Michael · Board member:Michael at the board meeting: 'My dad screwed up... I guess that's why he's behind bars.' / 'It was his idea, and then I carried out the transaction.' Board member: 'That's even worse. Conspiracy to commit fraud.'

Secretary · Jordan:Secretary interrupts the board meeting: 'Excuse me. Your father's calling from prison. He wants to talk about the land deal you made with his brother.' [Jordan finds a whistle on Michael's desk] 'I found this on your desk. Can I keep this?'

Soldiers:Soldiers: 'Thought we were seein' a gay marriage.' Other soldier: 'We can still hose 'em down.'

Protester · Lindsay:Protester giving up: 'Face it, Lindsay. They've won.' Lindsay: 'Well, I'm not going anywhere! All your water's doing is whetting my appetite for protest.'

Soldiers · Lindsay:Soldiers: 'We'll drown you out with music. Crank it up!' [implied: music starts playing that Lindsay starts dancing to]

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'And Lindsay discovered that the activism that came out of her desire for prettier hair really did boost her self-esteem.'

Lucille:Lucille: 'I hope you're here to bring me a check for Buster's surgery. They made him stop eating after midnight, and he's hungry, and he's in a foreign land, and his jaw is clicking, and he's scared.'

Michael · Lucille:Lucille hugs Michael. Michael: 'Why are you squeezing me with your body?' Lucille: 'It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.' Michael: 'Why?' Lucille: 'Because you need your mother right now.' Michael: 'But I don't get along with my... Sorry. That was a knee jerk.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'No, Mom, come on. I don't want you to do anything. Hey! This isn't algebra.' Lucille is already on the phone. Michael: 'Mother! Do not make somebody dis... disappear.'

Lucille:Lucille hangs up, looks off at someone offscreen: 'Now there's someone who could have used a good mother. Whore!'

Oscar · Lucille:Oscar to Lucille: 'Lucille! You look fantastic! You still have the neck of a 20-year-old.' Lucille: 'And you still have the hair of a lion.'

Lucille · Oscar:Lucille to Oscar: 'Take back the land.' Oscar: 'That's it? But I thought we could have this brief moment to... reconnect.'

Lucille · Oscar:Lucille: 'Oscar. Your brother is in jail right now. My husband is in jail.' Oscar: 'You're right.' [beat] 'So what's the rush?'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'I'm sorry about yesterday. It was a moment of weakness.' Lucille reveals she bought out Jordan's shares. Michael: 'With what?' Lucille: 'With the money you tried to spend on that lemon grove.' Michael: 'You got it back. How?'

Lucille · Michael:Lucille: 'You know about what I was saying about how people outlive their usefulness?' Michael: 'That was out of line.' Lucille: 'I know. But you made a good point. Maybe I do need something to occupy my time, other than my children.'

Michael · Board member:Michael: 'Well, if you do want to spend it together, it's fine with me.' [Lucille joins the board; title card or visual implies Michael immediately regrets this] Board member at the end: 'Why have we been spending so much money on whistles?'

Lucille · Michael:On the Next Arrested Development: Lucille says 'I remember a young man who used to say But I don't have bad dreams in your bed!' and Michael says 'That was Buster.'

Lindsay:On the Next Arrested Development: Lindsay: 'I want to be a cage dancer.'

Tobias:'On the Next Arrested Development': Tobias: 'I want to be... a cage dancer.'

Oscar:Final teaser beat: 'Smile.' — likely a reference to Oscar's song 'All You Need Are Smiles' or a visual gag.