Colony Collapse

Narrator:Trout, a Southern boy who had a Northern man's taste in women.

Narrator:J.B.J., a weekend weatherman, all-week party boy and a huge disappointment to his father.

Narrator:Oakwood, a studio teacher, who might have had his own entourage, if his part hadn't been cut from the pilot of Modern Family.

Narrator:And, of course, there was the man they called Getaway.

Narrator · Gob:Gob had come far in the year since his girlfriend was less than an hour from turning 18.

Gob:While we run the clock down on this thing, why don't you just go change into something a little less unflattering.

Narrator:Ann less-unflattered herself up.

George Michael:You're lucky that I'm chasing after our girlfriend, or I'd have to flatten you!

Gob · Ann:Way to plant, Ann. You told me George Michael knew about us. Well, he does now, my darling plant. Ann.

Gob:And after I dazzle everyone tonight on the Queen Mary, my magic career will take off as surely as there's a mouse behind your ear. Well, as surely as there's a mouse behind your ear.

Narrator · Gob:A poll would confirm she was far from alone. For the fifth year in a row, your least favorite entertainers are magicians. A close second, talk show side-kicks. Hmm. You, too, America. 'cause I quit.

Gob:Gob: 'You, too, America. 'Cause I quit.'

Narrator:Of course, Ann's concept of fourth base was very different than Gob's.

Gob:You think I can't keep it in my pants in front of a bunch of doggy old women and my family? Don't be stupid. Who am I gonna hit on, stupid? My sister? Lindsay? Don't be stupid. She's my sister, that's gross.

Narrator:Now, the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Gob's Arrested Development.

Narrator:It seemed the only 'her' Gob would be getting off that day was the Queen Mary.

Gob · Insurance Agent:Two drowned white doves, for 'flowers to doves.' This was a rabbit for 'doves to rabbit,' also drowned. These were mice... For 'rabbit to mice.' No, that can't be done.

Gob · Insurance Agent:'Mice-a-laneous.' 'Mouse in purse.' 'Mouse in drink.' 'Here's a mouse, now it's gone.' How'd he do that?

Gob · George Michael:Gob repeatedly asking George Michael 'But are we good?' despite George Michael saying 'No' each time

Gob · George Michael:Are we good? No. No, how could we possibly be? But... But are we good? No! You stole my girlfriend. That's a tough thing, and, you know, sometimes you have to ask yourself, 'Are we good?' Is it over between you guys? No. But are we good?

Gob:I mean, yes, we are good... There it is! There it is! Ah! From a nephew to his uncle, and just the 'yes,' the much-vaunted 'yes,' that he gets. Look at you, full of 'yes.' Look at how much 'yes' is in you!

Narrator · Gob:And Gob realized there was finally nothing standing in the way of a loving, committed relationship with Ann. My life is a fallacy. ♪ It's just a fallacy ♪

Narrator:So, that night, as he broke into her house to break up with her...

Ann:Gob! For a second, I thought that was a real guy.

Narrator · Gob:But as she unzipped her pajamas, it reminded him of past situations which he'd successfully been aroused. Well, I could wait till after.

Ann · Gob:So how did you like your egg? I said you were fine.

Ann:Was there something you wanted to talk about when you came in through my window?

Gob · Ann:Gob's extended stammering attempt to break up with Ann while she interrogates him.

Gob · Ann · Narrator:Well, marry me. Yes. Yes, I'll marry you, Gob! Of course, Gob meant it in the showbizzy way his niece had always used when she was accused of being too young. What are you, like 15? Marry me. Marry me. Marry me.

Narrator · Gob:Gob was surrounded by unconditional love from a family for the first time in his life. [Beat of silence/reaction]

Gob:I've made a huge mistake.

Lucille · Gob · Family Member:I'm sure Gob helped himself to the money. Hey, I got mouths to feed. Mouths? Mouth. Her. Oh, hey, mouth. I didn't see you sitting there. We rode up in the elevator together. I'm blanking.

Gob:Yeah, me and Blank are getting the old Christian magic act back together. I mean, you don't expect people to actually believe that I'm Jesus if I'm walking around in rags.

Gob · Narrator:Tony Wonder's making a fortune with that gay magician act. Gob's long-time nemesis had come out of the closet and used it to great advantage in his act.

Family Member · Gob:Who's getting married? Her! Who's marrying her? Me. Did I not open with that? You sure didn't.

Pastor Veal · Father Marsala:My lovely Ann... Who? My daughter. Oh, I didn't know you had a daughter. You've met her several times. Oh! She's sitting right next to you. Oh! That's why she's there. I thought you were hair.

Gob:At our wedding, I will be performing one of my famous magical illusions. That once your eyes have beholden it, you will put no God before me, because of its spectacularity.

Gob:Love for and God. Ann. And God.

Narrator · Gob · Michael:Gob was feeling bolder, which was perhaps why Michael returned home to find this. [Gob is nailed to a cross in the living room]

Gob · Michael:And yea, as if to be arisen the third or fourth day with all the magic of... Jesus Christ! Sorry. Wasn't on there too good.

Michael · Gob:Yeah, what's the illusion? That you actually love the bride? Hey, that's good patter.

Gob:Except for I need people to root for the Jesus character.

Michael · Gob:I don't remember a biblical passage where Jesus came out of a boulder. Is it in there? Oh, no, no, no, the boulder's my escape plan. They think I'm somewhere else. I'm actually in the boulder.

Gob · Michael:I have a bee company. You stole my idea? Uh-huh, I did not steal your... We sell... It would take hours.

Gob:My bees are dropping like flies, and I need them to fly like bees.

Gob · Michael:What if I don't actually get married? I don't think you'd need a best man, then, right? No, I guess, at that point, it'd really be more assistant.

Gob:Marriage is a lot of pressure, and she's not into it. Meanwhile, I'm working out like crazy, my diet has become insane, and this Jesus character... I mean, he was shredded.

Gob:Meanwhile, we have sex one time, and then she's just, you know, over it. Lets herself go. Her stomach's out to here.

Michael · Gob:Yeah, I know you're in the boulder. But how'd I get in the boulder?

Ann · Gob:I know it's bad luck for you to see me in my gown before the wedding. Well, hopefully I haven't.

Gob · Ann:I didn't want to make a big deal about it. You haven't.

Tobias · Gob:I'm playing Roman Centurion Number Two. What are you playing? I'm the groom.

TV Announcer · Narrator:Father Marsala's John the Baptist. Then the antiabortion drama, Embryo Dan: It Would Have Been a Wonderful Life. And later, break out the bagels. It's time for Father M's lighthearted comedy, A Jew Came to Dinner.

Tobias:I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but His Word magazine called my Jew 'pitiful.'

Gob:It's true, this is a magical trick. If what Jesus did was a trick. I say it wasn't. It was an illusion.

Gob:Ooh! They did not like that one.

Gob:I am not the real Jesus. I am the Amazing Jesus!

Gob:Yes, the real Jesus came off the cross and went into his cave a dead man.

Gob · Pastor Veal:Pastor Veal, let me remind you that you are in a church in front of your daughter, your congregation, God. You cannot tell a lie. Right, nothing out of the ordinary? No, I didn't see anything.

Gob:I'm not going to lock myself in a cave for three days before this wedding ceremony. No, no. No, no, no. I plan on beating his record by two full weeks!

Pastor Veal · Ann:Well, I guess we'll wait two weeks and see if he's in there. Is that okay with you, Ann? He's not coming back.

Gob:Hey, kids. [Gob inside the boulder in the parking lot as children play bingo inside the church]

Narrator · Church Member · Ann:Eleven exciting days, although nothing's really happened. Day 11. Once he gets out, it's going to be a beautiful, beautiful wedding. He's not coming back.

Narrator:And a hoarse, weakened Gob was unable to stop them as the boulder was shipped to a storage unit in Tustin. Although a keen eye could see that Gob was alive but not well.

Narrator:And that's why this particular chair was empty at the trial of Lucille Bluth.

Congregation Member · Ann:There's a note. 'If I have not yet returned, I am in the Rapture.' Oh, and then it says... What does he think we've been doing?

Storage Auction Host · Bidders:Moment of truth, people. It's a masker. Jesus, there's a man in there. Pack, stack, and all that. Let's get the bidding started at $100. Anybody? Nope. It's hissing.

Gob:Our first fight, and like all fights, you're a little right, I'm a little right.

Ann · Gob:I sold your cave on Craigslist. So it was all worth it. We have money to start our life together.

Gob:Now we have our nest, Egg... Ann.

Gob:The Holy... [Gob's extended reaction to Ann's suggestion that he let the Holy Ghost inside him]

Gob:I'm ready to let the son of Gob enfold me.

Gob:Have you been to the club And, owned by Jeremy Pivan? I'm gonna be there tonight about 8:00. Maybe you could join me.

Narrator:Nah, he got it. Okay.

Gob:Lost my wife, lost my career. When I was in that storage unit at the bottom of that rock, it was like I hit... Rock bottom? No, no, not that. More like a trending downward moment that just... I don't know.

Gob · Bartender:Maybe I'm being tested like that guy 'Jawb' from the Bible. Job. Yes? Job. Yes, sir. Job. Yeah.

Gob:God, I dated a chick named Eve once. Biggest mistake of my life.

Gob · Steve:I'll be there at 6:45 with two cups of coffee. Oh, Dad, this is the greatest day of my life. No, this is the greatest day of my life.

Gob · Patron:I bet it's been a long time since you've seen your... Cherry. I have lupus.

Gob · Mark Cherry's Handler:No, it's an illusion. A trick is something a whore does for... Do a trick and I'll pay for your bar tab.

Gob · Rebel Alley:That is a David Spade. Check your purse. Oh! Nice.

Narrator · Rebel Alley:Never yell 'fire' in a crowded place. It's never funny. That's always funny.

Gob:Getting away is kind of my specialty. I'll have us out of here in a flash.

Steve:He's not coming back. [Steve watches Gob drive past]

Narrator:The next few months were a blur of partying. And shame.

Narrator:But Gob had a trick for helping him forget the shame. Unfortunately it also helped him forget that he tried to forget the shame.

Narrator:The roofie circle: Whereby a roofie is taken the day after a degrading event too late to erase the memory of the degrading event itself, but not too late to erase the prior day's attempt to erase the event. Thus, with no memory of taking the roofie, but the memory of the event very much alive, the victim of the roofie circle finds himself constantly trying to re-erase the memory...

Fan · Mark Cherry's Handler · Fan:Can I get a picture with him to show my five-year-old? You have a five-year-old? A granddaughter.

Narrator · Mark Cherry:♪ Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway... ♪ But the lyrics were too subtle for Gob to notice.

Narrator:He got a call that his bee colony wasn't doing much better from a very much alive Johnny Bark.

Johnny Bark · Narrator (implied) · Gob:They're sick. They're going to collapse the whole colony. Did you tell him about the sick bees? Jesus, I just said that!

Entourage · Gob:Guys, hurry before he sees us. Come on. Hey, guys, where we going? I'll drive, I just got to put my sick bees in the trunk.

Mark Cherry · Entourage:You know what'd be really cool? If you shut the partition. It'd be like a joke, like you're our limo driver... That would be hilarious, right?

Gob:A lot of traffic out here today, Miss Daisy.

Narrator:For Gob, however, it was an amazing night, and he couldn't wait to forget it.

Gob:Fun night. A fun night. Fun night. [Three separate beats across time, shown in sequence]

Narrator:Gob had slept through the seven ambulances that had arrived after Josh Abramson had swung by to pick up an old computer.

Narrator:It was then that Gob noticed the presence of a competitor from his past. T.W. Tony Wonder.

Narrator · Gob:And that's when Gob decided to take advantage of an unexpected diversion and have a little fun by wedging shut a panel on the podium he knew Tony Wonder would pop out of.

Gob · PSA Voice/Narrator:Well, it's just... A little alcohol poisoning never killed anyone. Actually, alcohol poisoning is responsible for over 4,000 deaths a year. Binge drinking, not cool.

Tony Wonder:I'm here, I'm queer. And now I'm in a speaker.

Narrator · Gob:♪ Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway... ♪ Great, and now my boss is up my ass.

Gob · Narrator:My cave. [Gob finds his boulder/escape cave in a storage unit] Why didn't you open? Only to discover that someone had wedged shut his secret compartment on the day he deserted his Christian bride. 'T.' Tony Wonder.