My Mother, The Car

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Narrator: 'Michael Bluth was fed up with his mother's extravagant spending.' Cut to Lucille asking for a yacht crew to throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen.

Lucille:'To throw the most lavish party this town has ever seen for my birthday.'

Michael:'I enjoy bicentennials as much as the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.'

Narrator · Buster · Lucille 2:Narrator describes Buster accidentally flirting with Lucille 2 while not wearing glasses, then accidentally bidding $10,000 on her at a charity auction, then accidentally entering her apartment thinking it was his mother's.

Buster · Lucille 2:'I need you right now. Fellas, take a powder.'

Lucille:'Oh, here comes the 10:15 conniption, right on time.'

Lucille:'Honest to God, Buster, it's like every little thing makes you seize up in terror lately. I have no idea where you get that from.'

Lucille:'Get away from that stove. You're going to light your hair on fire.'

Lucille:'He's weak.'

Michael:'Speaking of weak, Mom, what do you got in there, gold bars?'

Lucille:'Protein bars for your father. He's pumping up in prison.'

Lucille:'You're my third least-favorite child.'

Narrator:Narrator: 'Michael came home to find his mother's fourth least-favorite child.'

George Michael · Gob:George Michael walks into the yacht and finds Gob with two women in bikinis. 'Well, they got the Asian right. "Hotties" might be a stretch.'

Gob:'Well, let's start with the little one.'

Michael · Narrator:'I'm sure there'd be somebody else out there that would appreciate her.' / Narrator: 'In fact, Michael felt that man was himself.'

Gob:'Michael, do you have any idea what would happen if I were to visit prison? It would be pandemonium.'

Gob · Michael:'It'd just give Dad one more reason to think that I've got nothing to offer but my looks.' / 'Yeah, I got some of that... except he also didn't like my looks.'

Narrator · Lucille:Narrator: 'Lucille had recently been featured on Fox's World's Worst Drivers.'

Gob:'She didn't. I dummied her up a new one. Not my best work though. She wanted to look 48. I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion. We ended up checking "Albino" on the form.'

George Michael · Gob:'For Gangy?' (George Michael asks how he knew about the surprise party) / 'She called and invited us.'

Michael:'Come on. This is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Lindsay visits prison to tell George Sr. she's been undervalued for her intellect — but 'didn't get the reception she was expecting.' No heads turn in prison when she walks through.

Lindsay · George Sr.:'Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the...' [long pause] 'High-fastening pants.'

Narrator · Lindsay:Narrator: 'Lindsay was surprised once again that no heads were turned.'

Narrator · George Michael · Maeby:Narrator: 'George Michael was finally moving beyond his crush on Maeby and felt happy to have a cousin he could just see a movie with. It was a love between two cousins that the world thought was wrong. But it was the world that was wrong.'

George Michael · Maeby · AARP Man:George Michael and Maeby try to get into a movie. They are carded and turned away. Cut to: they are watching the movie with an elderly audience after an old man used his AARP card to get them in as 'guests.'

Michael:'Mom, you've already got two strikes on your record. You strike one more person, and it's technically a spree.'

Narrator · Buster:Buster recently brought home a large rock from an archeological dig but 'had yet to find a way to get it out of the car.'

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Surprise party #1: Michael arrives with Lucille at the restaurant. 'Surprise!' — and she was surprised that her family didn't show up.

Michael · Lindsay:'What about you? Neiman's?' / 'Prison. Then Neiman's. But only because I'm going back to prison, and they've seen me in this.'

Narrator · Buster · Lucille 2:Buster was so worried about running into Lucille 2 he never left his mother's apartment. Lucille 2 was waiting for Buster to emerge. They were in a mutual standoff neither knew about.

Gob:'What frail act got you this time, Michael? She couldn't open a jar? What, did a clump of her hair come out in your hands?'

Lucille · Michael:At dinner, Lucille delivers her guilting monologue — 'It's dry' / 'I've been a horrible mother' — and Michael immediately capitulates.

Gob · Michael:'Well, you know she's been a horrible mother, right?' / 'You don't have to tell me. But what was I gonna say?'

Gob · Michael:'Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom and not you? 'Cause I really like Mom.' / 'We know.'

Buster · Lucille 2:Buster breaks up with Lucille 2: 'I've already got a Lucille in my life.' / 'I understand. That's healthy.'

Lucille 2:'Am I needy? Are you sure I'm not needy? 'Cause I feel needy sometimes.'

Lucille 2 · Buster:'You know, we're probably not that different, you and me.' / 'You and I. Is it "I" or is it "me"?' / 'Buster, it's us.' / 'Yes. It is us. Us.'

Narrator · Michael · Lucille:Surprise party #2: Michael arrives again with Lucille at the restaurant. 'Surprise!' — and once again, no one showed up.

Lucille · Michael:'You did that for me?' / 'I let you drive, didn't I?'

Michael:'Hey. Is that Gob? It's an idiot on a scooter at night? It's gotta be Gob.'

Lucille · Michael · Random Man:Lucille leans out the window yelling at the scooter rider — turns out it's not Gob — and hits him with the car.

Random Man · Lucille · Michael:'Yeah. I guess. How's my mom? She's so frail.' / 'I'm fine. I'm fine. I was thrown clear.' / 'I only care about you.'

Michael · Doctor:'What did you give me?' / 'Your mother asked me to pump you full of... Children's aspirin.'

Michael:Michael can't remember the accident due to short-term memory loss. 'Scoot... Scooter. Was there a scooter involved?'

Michael Bluth · Lucille Bluth:Michael: 'I can't believe I did this. My insurance rates are gonna go through the roof.' Lucille: 'That's not what matters now.'

Lucille 2 · Buster:Buster and Lucille 2, in bed together. 'Buster, you remember when we were kissing last night? It was a wild, wild ride. But is this something we can do? Is this something society will allow?'

Buster:'I don't care what other people think. My God, for the first time in years I felt like I was standing on solid ground. My panic attacks have decreased. I feel confident. I'm feeling proud even...'

Lucille · Michael:'Rest up, sweetie. You gave me quite a scare.' / [Michael processes] 'Scare. Did somebody say, "Let's give him a sc..."' / 'What is the matter with me? Clumsy Clara.'

Michael:'Totally cool. Didn't feel a thing. You know, Mom, I'm crazy about this aspirin. I can't believe we give it to children.'

Gob · George Michael:Gob's yacht. George Michael visits to get fake IDs. A woman emerges: 'She's an Olympian... hopeful. Swimming and some coaching.'

Narrator · Gob · George Michael:George Michael tells Gob that Michael can't use the phone or go anywhere — he's trapped at Lucille's. 'That's when Gob decided to take the yacht to South America for the summer.'

Narrator · Gob:'I gotta alert this boat's crew.' [Cut to crew's devastated reaction.] 'They'll be devastated.'

Dr. Miller · Buster:'I just jumped through a plate glass window on a date.' / 'Oh. Well, women love to laugh.'

Buster:'Nothing. Gob was just teaching me how to hit it with a hammer.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael pieces together the accident: 'Gob was there. Gob was on his scooter. I think I wanted to hit Gob.' / Lucille (Bluth): 'Yes. That is exactly what happened. You wanted to give Gob a scare.'

Buster Bluth · Lucille Bluth:Buster: 'I think I do.' [Knowing why Michael wanted to scare Gob — implying he knows Lucille orchestrated it.] Then pregnant pause before: 'Thanks, Mom.'

Lindsay:'It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?'

Lindsay · George Sr.:'I haven't even been remotely harassed.' / 'That is not what I'm paying for.'

Lindsay:'Have I lost it? Did I ever even have it?'

George Sr. · Lindsay:'Your mother snuck 'em in here stuffed in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.' / 'Stabbed?' / 'In a way.'

George Sr. · Lindsay:'But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.' / 'That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy. For you to spend money on me.'

Gob · Michael:Michael tells Gob to move back onto the yacht: 'What makes you think I'd want to now?' Gob reacts with suspicion to the offer.

Gob · Michael:'Wow. How hard did you hit that steering wheel?' / 'I actually hit the back of my head.' / 'The back of your head?'

Gob:'I was halfway to South America, but I couldn't let you get away with it, because we're brothers, Mom, and we kind of like each other.'

Gob:'But "skiff" is appropriate, right?'

Gob Bluth · Michael Bluth:Gob rushes back. Michael: 'What are you doing?' Gob: 'Hey. Open this door.' [Banging.] 'You've been set up.' Michael: 'There's no way you were trying to hurt me. You don't hate me. Mom hates me. You kind of like me.'

Gob · Michael · Narrator:'Mom must have clubbed you with a champagne bottle or something so she could drive.' / 'Gob, how'd you figure it out?' / 'It's funny you should ask that...' / 'No. He didn't figure anything out.'

Narrator · Gob · Michael:'Hey, big shot!' [Flashback to Lucille yelling out the window.] Which was behind the passenger seat. Which means that she picked you up and dragged you over to the driver's seat.

Michael · Gob:'Mom can't pick me up. She could barely pick up that bag of protein bars.' / 'Guess what? They weren't protein bars. They were gold Krugerrands.'

Lucille Bluth · Michael Bluth:Michael: 'Mom, you and I were getting along so well. I was thinking so highly of you. How could you make me think this was all my fault?' Lucille: 'Because if you knew it was my fault, you would've turned against me. And I had finally gotten you on my side.'

Lindsay:'And Dad finally paid attention to my intellect.' (Lindsay celebrates that the Krugerrand scheme proves George Sr. valued her mind.)

Michael · Lucille:'Mom, you and I were getting along so well. I was thinking so highly of you. How could you make me think this was all my fault?' / 'Because if you knew it was my fault, you would've turned against me. And I had finally gotten you on my side. You were sticking up for me. I don't even remember you ever doing that before.'

Michael · Lucille:Michael: 'Stop lying. Stop manipulating. Just be nicer.' / Lucille: 'But...' / [long pause] / 'You're right.'

Lucille · Michael · Gob · Lindsay:'I'm a horrible mother.' / 'No, no, Mom. You're great.' / 'That's crazy talk.' / 'You're a fantastic mother.' / 'I can't believe what I'm hearing, Mother.'

George Michael · Maeby · AARP Man · Ticket Collector:'On the next Arrested Development': George Michael and Maeby sneak back into 'Les Cousins Dangereux.' The ticket collector tells an elderly AARP member that they 'will not be starting Les Cousins Dangereux until you leave.' The AARP man protests his card covers 'one and a guest.'

George Michael:'You know what? I knew society would never accept this. And they never will.'

Michael Bluth · Narrator:TAG: Michael's insurance takes another hit. Michael is in another accident. 'Ow!' Then: 'I was definitely driving that time.'

Michael:Michael's insurance teaser: car crash #2. 'Ow! I was definitely driving that time.'