The Scofflaw

Jerry:I don't understand eyeglass straps. If you need glasses, why would you want to take them off? That's the whole point of glasses - so you can see. Why would you want to remove them? 'Oh, I need to see better. Let me take off my glasses.' It makes no sense.

Jerry:You know, if eyeglass straps make sense, why don't we have straps for crutches? You're walking down the street, you trip, your crutch falls off. Now you're hopping around trying to pick it up.

Jerry:Or hearing aids! People just dropping their hearing aids everywhere. 'Oh, there goes my hearing aid again. Well, I guess I'm deaf for the rest of the day.'

Jerry:I mean, what's the deal with a toupee while water-skiing? You're out there on the lake, you're going 40 miles an hour, and your hairpiece just... bounces off into the water. Now you're bald AND wet. That's not a good combination. You look like a hard-boiled egg.

George:Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to reach you for days!

Gary:I've been in the hospital. I had a heart attack.

George:Oh. Well... I'll talk to you later.

Kramer:You pig! You slob! How dare you throw that on the ground!

Kramer:Oh, Officer, I wasn't talking to you. I was yelling at that guy who just littered.

Jerry:You're just gonna explain to them what happened, right?

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, I'll explain it to 'em.

Kramer:No, wait — I'm outta here!

Kramer:You gotta promise me something. You gotta promise me that no matter what happens, you're gonna tell me everything.

George:What are you talking about?

Kramer:I'm serious, George. I want to know everything. All your secrets, all your business. Everything.

George:Okay, okay, I promise.

Kramer:Good. Because I got a feeling about you, George. I got a feeling you're gonna have some stories.

George:You knew about Gary's cancer and you didn't tell me?

Jerry:George, why would I tell you about Gary's cancer?

George:Because we're friends! I'm supposed to know these things. I'm supposed to be in the cancer loop!

Jerry:There is no cancer loop, George.

George:Well there should be! And I should be on it!

George:How is Gary?

Jerry:He's fine.

George:So you're not gonna tell me what happened?

Jerry:George, it's like asking me to tell you about the air. It's all around us, but you don't really need to know about it.

Jerry:He didn't know he had cancer. He was happier not knowing. That's the thing about ignorance, it really is bliss.

Jerry:And now I have to be nice to him. Do you know how hard that is for me? I'm not a nice person. I don't have the physical capacity to be nice for an extended period of time.

Jerry:My face is actually hurting from smiling. I think I pulled a muscle in my cheek.

Jerry:You should be upset! They told you about the cancer?

George:They didn't have to tell me! I didn't ask to be informed!

Jerry:Of course they did. It's their legal obligation.

George:Legal obligation? What about my obligation to live in a state of blissful ignorance?

Jerry:Your right to ignorance doesn't supersede their duty to disclose.

George:Why not? Ignorance is a right! It's in the Constitution... somewhere. And if I don't know about it, it can't hurt me. That's just science.

George:You told her? You told Elaine about Gary's cancer?

Jerry:Well, yes, I—

George:Jerry, that's not your story to tell!

Jerry:I know, I know, I just—

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty... for discretion!

George:I can keep a secret. I'm very good at keeping secrets.

Jerry:George, you told Steinbrenner about your relationship with the cleaning woman on your first day of work.

George:That's different!

Elaine:You can't just wear glasses as a fashion accessory!

Kramer:Yeah, well I've also been thinking about getting into a wheelchair.

Jake:I know where to get the glasses, but I'm not telling you.

Kramer:Well, that's a shame.

George:Why didn't you tell me you had cancer?

Gary:Because you can't keep a secret. You're a blabbermouth.

George:That's not true!

Gary:George, you fold every time. You have no poker face.

Officer:I've been chasing this guy for 16 years. Sixteen years! He owes $2,847 in parking tickets.

Officer:I don't care if he's in Prague or Patagonia, I will find him.

Officer:That's my white whale.

Officer:I've been after this parking scofflaw for three years. Three years! He thinks he can just park illegally whenever he wants, but I will find him. I will catch him.

Officer:You know, I'm like Captain Ahab. He had his white whale. I have my parking violator. And mark my words — I will get my man.

Kramer:So you're telling me the police department is understaffed and underfunded?

Police Officer:That's right. Budget cuts have made it nearly impossible to maintain adequate patrols.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, that's terrible... but uh, how'd you lose the eye?

George:Kramer, you can't tell Jerry about this. This is between you and me.

Kramer:My lips are sealed.

George:I'm serious. Not a word to Jerry.

Kramer:George, I won't say anything. These pretzels are making me thirsty.

George:I've been living a lie. My whole life is a lie!

Kramer:Oh, that's nothing. I'm living about five or six lies right now.

George:I have something to tell you. Something I've been keeping inside for a long time.

Kramer:What is it?

George:I'm not who you think I am.

Kramer:Who are you?

George:I'm a bald man.

Kramer:So?

George:I've been wearing a toupee this whole time.

Kramer:Get out!

George:It's true!

Kramer:No, GET OUT!

Elaine:Wait, you told Jake I said hi? I never said hi! Why would you tell him that?

Jerry:Well, you did say hi.

Elaine:I said hi in general! I didn't say hi to Jake! There's a difference!

Jerry:I don't think Jake sees it that way.

Elaine:It's all about who made the last contact. That's the whole thing. If you make the last contact, you're interested. You don't want to be interested.

Jerry:So it's like a game?

Elaine:It's exactly like a game. It's like Marco Polo, except Marco Polo is fun.

Jerry:What's wrong?

George:Nothing's wrong.

Jerry:George, your eye is twitching.

George:So what? Everyone's eye twitches.

Jerry:Not like that. That's your 'I did something' twitch.

Jerry:You're bluffing.

George:I'm not bluffing.

Jerry:Your left eye is twitching.

George:So what? I always twitch.

Jerry:You've got a pair of fours, maybe a five kicker.

George:Lucky guess.

Jerry:No wait—you're sweating. You've got three of a kind. Three sevens!

Jerry:Let me see your cards.

George:I can't show you my cards.

Jerry:Why not?

George:Because I'm lying about having cancer.

Elaine:I don't have feelings for him!

Jake:So you're saying you don't care what he does?

Elaine:That's right, I don't care at all.

Jake:And it wouldn't bother you if he saw someone else?

Elaine:Of course not! I'd be happy for him!

Jake:So you want him to be happy?

Elaine:Well, yes— wait, no! I mean...

Elaine:I didn't say hi to you.

Jake:You just said hi to me.

Elaine:No, I didn't.

Jake:You're saying hi to me right now by denying that you said hi to me.

Jerry:You're telling me you can't even fake cancer as well as Gary Oldman?

George:I could fake cancer! I could fake cancer right now if I wanted to!

Jerry:Oh yeah?

George:Yeah! I'd be a great cancer faker. I'd get all the sympathy, none of the side effects.

Jerry:I was being nice! The guy's got no hair, I thought he was sick. So I said, 'Gary, you know what? Free dry cleaning. For life. No charge.'

George:For life?

Jerry:Yeah!

George:He's not even sick!

Jerry:I know that now!

Jerry:This is wrong. We can't do this.

George:I know it's wrong.

Jerry:So?

George:So... I'm doing it anyway.

Gary:I've been having some dental health concerns lately.

Jerry:Really? Let me see your teeth.

Gary:What? Why?

Jerry:Come on, open up. Let me look.

Kramer:You know, I've always wanted an eye patch. You look like a pirate.

Kramer:Arrr, that's what I'm talking about!

Kramer:Wait a minute, you're a police officer and you're wearing an eye patch. Doesn't that affect your ability to do your job?

Officer:Well, yeah, it's been a real pain. I can't find a good parking spot.

Kramer:Yeah, this was Prince's car.

Jerry:Prince's car?

Kramer:Yeah, I bought it from a guy who knew a guy.

Elaine:I said 'hi,' not 'regards.'

Jake:What's the difference?

Elaine:'Hi' is casual. 'Regards' is formal. They're completely different!

Jake:So you're telling me you ended an email with 'hi'?

Elaine:No! I started with 'hi.' I ended with 'regards.'

Jake:That's insane.

Kramer:Oh, you gotta get back at him! You gotta do it!

Gary · George:Gary wants to remove all his fillings because 'that mercury's toxic.' Tells George to open up so he can see his fillings.

Elaine:How much for the glasses?

Glasses Man:Twenty dollars.

Elaine:Fifteen.

Glasses Man:Eighteen.

Elaine:Sixteen.

Glasses Man:Seventeen. Final offer.

Elaine:Done.

Debby:I was attracted to his bravery. The way he faced his illness with such courage and dignity.

Debby:But then I found out he never even had cancer. He made the whole thing up.

Kramer:You know what a whip is in politics? It's a guy who keeps the party in line. He's like a sergeant-at-arms type thing.

Kramer:So I'm thinking, this guy's got an actual whip. He's cracking it in the Capitol, keeping everybody in shape!

Kramer:She won't talk to anybody. But she talks to Gary!

Officer:Newman!

Newman:Officer.

Officer:You're the one. You're the scofflaw I've been looking for.

Newman:I don't know what you're talking about.

Officer:Fifty-six unpaid parking violations. The biggest scofflaw in the history of New York City.

Kramer:You know, this is really something. This guy's been lying to everyone about having cancer. That's... that's despicable. You don't just make up something like that for attention. It's wrong, it's dishonest, it's...

Jerry:Kramer, he doesn't actually have cancer.

Kramer:I know that!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. Debby likes Gary, Gary likes Elaine, Elaine likes me, and I like Debby. It's like a human chess game, except nobody knows the rules and everybody's horny.

Elaine:I got the same glasses as you.

Jake:What? Where did you get those?

Elaine:Malaysia.

Jerry:You're gonna have to take this secret to the grave. When you die, they're gonna open up that casket, and that toupee's gonna be the first thing everyone sees.

Jerry:The mortician's gonna call your mother in: 'Mrs. Costanza, we have a situation...'

George:I need you to be honest with me. What do you really think of the toupee?

Jerry:George, it's a terrible toupee.

George:That bad?

Jerry:It looks like a dead animal on your head. It's horrible.

Jerry:You know, George, if you're going to wear a toupee, you might as well go all the way. Get yourself a pair of those huge glasses, some polyester pants, and a shuffleboard cue.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm saying commit to it. Don't be a half-measure old man. You look like you're trying to fool people. Just embrace it completely and at least people will respect the effort.

Jerry:You're not being helpful at all.

Toupee Salesman:Not helpful? I'm very helpful! Do you know what it's like to be bald? Do you know what it's like to have your hair fall out in chunks? To see it on your pillow? In the shower drain? To look in the mirror and see a little island of hair in a sea of scalp?

George:Why can't you give me the space?

Gary:Because you're a scofflaw.

George:A scofflaw? I'm not a scofflaw.

Gary:You have three parking tickets.

George:So do you!

Gary:That's different. I'm not going to enable that kind of behavior. You need to take responsibility for your actions.

Reporter:So Jake, your book is about the human condition. Can you tell us what inspired—

Jake:Well, I wanted to explore the complexities of modern life and—

Reporter:Wait, are those glasses new?

Jake:What? No, I've had these for—

Reporter:Because they're different. Did you get them adjusted? The frames look adjusted.

Jake:Can we talk about the book?

Reporter:I'm just saying, the left lens seems slightly higher than the right. Are you seeing okay out of the left one?

Jake:My vision is fine.

Reporter:Because that could be a real problem. You should get that checked. That's a safety issue.

Jake:There's no safety issue. Next question, please?

Reporter:You know what? I'm calling my optometrist right now. This is bothering me more than it's bothering you.

George:George explains what the Senate whip does: 'In the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way the party leaders wanted, they whipped them. "You better vote the way we want or there's gonna be big trouble."'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer says the silent woman 'won't say a word to anybody.' Newman: 'Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack.' — Gary, wearing his new toupee, has apparently picked her up.

Officer:The cop spots Newman's car and mutters: 'Well, well, the white whale.'

George · Newman:George says 'Oh look at this, there's no place to park around here. I don't know why they even sell cars here.' Newman responds: 'Don't complain. At least you have your health.'

George · Officer:George nearly hits a man with the car who then becomes the car chase target for the cop.

Officer:The cop shouts 'Newman? The white whale.'

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine can't believe the stranger sold his prescription glasses off his face. Kramer: 'Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig?'

Elaine · Kramer:'Would you do that?' Kramer: 'No, definitely not.' Beat. 'I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'She thinks a guy who lies about an illness so he can get some phony hair has perspective?'

Kramer:Kramer critiques toupees: 'You got natural curls on the bottom and that big phony mat coming down on top of it.' And: 'What if you got involved with a woman? How do you tell her?' Toupee salesman: 'The way they make them, I'll never have to tell her.' Kramer: 'So you keep it a secret your whole life?'

Kramer:'Then at your funeral, the mortician comes out: "Mrs. Costanza... I thought you might want this."'

Kramer:It's implied that Kramer (or Jerry) is at the toupee shop accompanying what turns out to be Newman being fitted for a toupee — the 'Mrs. Costanza' address suggests the conversation is about George or a stand-in.

Lippman · Elaine:Mr. Lippman's publishing house dream monologue: 'It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing house. If this Jake Jarmel book does what I think it's going to do...'

Elaine · Mr. Lippman:Mr. Lippman compliments Elaine's glasses, offers to give them to him, and then gives them away anyway — the glasses continue circulating

Kramer:Kramer steps forward in court: 'Well, don't you worry, Your Honor. He's in my custody.'

Jerry:Jerry looks at the person in the toupee and says: 'You look... stupid. I'm sorry.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Why not get white shoes, move to Miami Beach, and get the whole thing over with?'

Kramer · Toupee Salesman:The toupee salesman: 'I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.' Kramer: 'Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful.'

Kramer:Kramer's defense: 'I'm preventing him from becoming one of those guys people snicker at because they look ridiculous. No offense to you personally.'

Toupee Salesman:The salesman shouts: 'You people with hair think you're so superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look in the tub and see a fistful of hair? Start your day with that!'

Jerry · George:Jerry sees George in a toupee shop. George says he's 'just looking, really.' Jerry calls him 'Jack.'

Jerry · George:George walks into the Hair Team For Men wearing a toupee. Jerry: 'George, you decided to get a rug. Good for you, Jack.'

Gary · George:Gary tells George he can't give him the parking space. 'This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know, you can't fight city hall.'

Elaine · Gary:Elaine confronts Gary: 'I had a little chat with George the other day.' Gary panics: 'You didn't!' She says she did — and that George told her. Gary immediately pretends he's 'not 100 percent recovered yet.'

Elaine · Gary:Elaine physically yanks the toupee off Gary's head.

Jake Jarmel:Book launch press conference. Someone asks Jake about his percentage on the book. Jake starts to answer, then spots someone wearing his glasses frames — Elaine and/or Kramer have passed them around. He loses his composure completely.

Elaine:Jake is handed Elaine's prescription glasses by force, demands his own back, and Elaine's last line: 'I'm gonna go look for some socks.'