The Label Maker

Jerry:You know what I love about sports fans? The loyalty is amazing. These guys, they stick with their team through thick and thin, through all the trades, all the roster changes. But here's what I realized - they're not loyal to the team. They're loyal to the uniform. They're just cheering for laundry! That's all it is. The players change, the coach changes, but the laundry stays the same color, so they keep cheering. It's insane! If the team moved to another city and changed their colors, half these fans wouldn't recognize their own team.

Jerry:I'm telling you, I'm rooting for clothes now. I go to my closet, I'm like, 'Come on, blue shirt, you can do it! That's right, get wrinkled up real nice for me!'

Jerry:I've got my whole wardrobe in there, and I'm just... I'm coaching them. 'Okay, socks, here's the big game. You're going into the dryer. You're going to come out smaller, okay? That's the goal!'

Jerry:And the pants? The pants are my MVP. They're up there, hanging on the rod, looking all distinguished. I tell them, 'Listen, don't let me down on Tuesday. That's an important meeting.'

Jerry:Boo. Different shirt. Boo.

George:Row F? That's good, but I'm thinking Row A. Row A is where you want to be. That's the penthouse. Row F, that's like middle class. Row M, that's like you're living in a trailer park.

Jerry:I can't go to Miami. My girlfriend wants to talk about our future.

Jerry:I don't discuss futures. I barely discuss presents. I'm a 'right now' guy.

Tim:What are you up to?

George:Oh, I'm just sitting here, painting my nails, doing my hair, talking on the phone about my feelings.

Jerry:A label maker? That's great!

Jerry:I'm going to organize everything.

Kramer:That's the beauty of a label maker, Jerry. Everything in its place.

Jerry:You know what this means? My life is now... labeled.

Kramer:We need a neutral place to keep the Risk board.

Jerry:What are you talking about? Keep it here.

Kramer:No, no, no. Your apartment is like... it's like Switzerland. It's neutral territory.

Jerry:Switzerland? My apartment is not Switzerland!

Kramer:Yes it is. Everybody's always here. It's neutral.

Kramer:You're like Switzerland, Jerry. You don't take sides, you're neutral on everything.

Jerry:I'm nothing like Switzerland. Switzerland is a country!

Kramer:You can't just leave a Risk board lying around. It's a game of world domination. It needs to be stored in a neutral location.

Jerry:Kramer, it's a board game.

Kramer:A board game? JERRY, this is not a game. This is RISK. One wrong move and South America is vulnerable.

Newman:You want to know the secret to my success? I've never trusted anyone in my life. Not my mother, not my father, not even myself sometimes.

Newman:But you... I could trust you. We could have something special, Kramer.

Elaine:He gave you the same label maker you gave him?

Jerry:Yeah.

Elaine:That's re-gifting!

Elaine:You re-gifted my gift!

Jerry:I didn't re-gift it. I re-evaluated it.

Elaine:Oh, tube socks.

George:Velvet! My God, is this velvet? This is the most beautiful thing I've ever felt in my life. I'm never leaving this couch. You can bring me food here. I'll quit my job.

Girlfriend:George, it's just a couch.

George:Just a couch? JUST A COUCH?! Do you know what velvet does to me? I'm a velvet man. This is what I've been searching for my entire life. Velvet and I are meant to be together.

George:What's the difference? A roommate is a roommate. You're splitting rent, you're splitting utilities. The only difference with a woman is you might actually want to sleep with her, which complicates things. With a guy, there's no temptation, no sexual tension. It's just two guys living together, trying not to think about the other guy naked.

George:You know, we're like animals in a zoo. They keep us separated so we don't breed.

George:You know, Jerry, I think my roommate is stealing from me. Little things disappearing, food going missing...

Jerry:George, you're paranoid. But let's say he is stealing from you. What's he gonna take? Your stuff? You don't have any stuff.

George:I have stuff!

Jerry:You have a futon and a hot plate. That's not stuff, that's a dorm room.

Jerry:He recycled this gift. He's a re-gifter.

George:The velvet! Have you ever felt velvet? It's like touching a cloud made of luxury. The way it catches the light, the way it feels against your skin... I'm telling you, velvet is the fabric of the gods.

George:It's velvet. I'm telling you, it's like nothing you've ever felt before. It's incredible.

Jerry:George, it's velvet. It's been around for 400 years. It's not a new discovery.

George:You don't understand. This velvet is different. It's soft, it's luxurious...

Jerry:You've gone insane over a piece of fabric. This is what happens when you have no job and no girlfriend.

Elaine:So you're de-gifting?

Jerry:Yes! It's the opposite of re-gifting. Instead of giving someone a gift you received, you take back a gift you already gave them.

Elaine:That's horrible!

Jerry:I want those Super Bowl tickets back!

Jerry:You know what's funny about Risk? It's a game where you're trying to conquer the world. The whole world! But you're playing with people who can't even manage their own apartment. I'm sitting there going, 'You want to take over Asia?' You can't even take over your own life! You can't commit to a relationship, you can't hold down a job, but sure, let's talk about global domination.

George:It's like a magic trick, you know? The key is misdirection.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:Well, while she's looking at the right hand, you're moving with the left hand.

Jerry:That's not a magic trick, George, that's a con.

George:Same thing.

Newman:I got your Super Bowl ticket right here. Of course, I had to return the favor.

Newman:You know, Jerry, you really should think about getting a better lock on your apartment door. I mean, for security purposes.

George:What are you doing in the bathroom so long?

Roommate:I'm taking a shower, George.

George:A shower? For forty-five minutes? What's going on in there?

Roommate:I'm just cleaning myself.

George:Cleaning yourself? Or... cleaning yourself?

George:What kind of massage are we talking about here?

George:Because there's massage, and then there's... massage, if you know what I mean.

George:You know, I'm telling you, my roommate is driving me crazy. He's always there. Always. I can't even go to the bathroom without him somehow knowing about it.

George:It's like living with original sin. I'm Adam, he's the serpent, and my apartment is the Garden of Eden. And let me tell you, we've been cast out.

George:I need an exorcist, not a roommate agreement.

George:You need to use the bathroom?

Scott:No, I'm good.

George:You sure? We could be here a while.

Scott:Yeah, I'm fine. Hey, you mind if I sit down for a second?

George:No, go ahead.

Scott:Thanks.

Scott:You know, you're a good guy, George.

George:Yeah?

Scott:Yeah. We should hang out sometime.

George:You know how they get animals to reproduce? They just put them in the same cage.

Jerry:Newman got a Super Bowl ticket? How is that possible?

Jerry:Newman?! At the Super Bowl?!

Jerry:This is a travesty. This is an abomination.

Jerry:You know, Newman does have one thing going for him.

Jerry:He'll go anywhere.

Jerry:Maybe Tim misread the signals. You know, it's all about geography.

Elaine:Geography?

Jerry:Yeah, he thought you were sending out a 'come here' vibe, but you were really sending out a 'stay back' vibe. It's like he was looking at the map upside down.

Elaine:That's not geography, that's just bad directions.

Kramer:I've been watching Newman. Very suspicious activity. He's been going in and out of his apartment at all hours.

Kramer:I set up a little surveillance operation. Nothing fancy - just a peephole, some binoculars, a telephoto lens...

Kramer:It's like the CIA, but without the government funding.

Jerry:Newman, you can't just move your armies like that.

Newman:Why not? It's in the rules.

George:What rules? We've been playing this game for three hours and you keep changing them.

Newman:I'm not changing them, I'm interpreting them. There's a difference.

Kramer:The only thing you're interpreting is how to lose and still win.

Newman:Look, if you can't handle the heat, get out of Risk!

George:A cactus! Perfect gift.

George:Low maintenance, just like a relationship should be.

George:I give it water, maybe once a month, we're golden.

George:Unlike a dog, I don't have to take it out for bathroom breaks every four hours.

George:Can you imagine? 'Come on cactus, do your business. Good cactus.'

Jerry:So let me get this straight. George is in a serious relationship. This is like watching someone learn to swim by being thrown into the ocean.

Jerry:And now you're talking about moving in together? George, you can barely coexist with yourself.

Jerry:You know what this is? This is velvet. You're wrapped in velvet, and you don't even know it.

Jerry:You lost the ticket, Newman. You lost it.

Newman:Oh, that's real cute, Giddy-Up. You just made a big mistake.

Newman:You know, I can make your life very difficult.

Jerry:Oh please, how?

Newman:I'm a postal worker, Jerry. Mail tampering is a federal offense.

Kramer:My car! They're towing my car!

Kramer:Oh no, oh no, oh no! What am I gonna do?

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait! My Risk board is in that car!

George:Kramer, there's a man having a heart attack!

Kramer:I know, I know, but I'm in the middle of a game! Australia has been under attack all morning!

George:My velvet furniture! He took my velvet furniture!

Jerry:George, he took all the furniture.

George:I don't care about the rest! The velvet! Do you know how hard it is to find quality velvet in this city?

George:My roommate moved out.

Jerry:That's great! You have the whole place to yourself now.

George:Yeah, it's romantic. Just me and my crippling loneliness.

Bonnie:I love you, George.

George:Oh... wow. That's... that's great. I love you too.

Kramer:You're going down! Ukraine is mine!

Kramer:You play like a fool!

Kramer:You're a moron! A complete idiot!

Kramer:You're the worst player I've ever seen in my life!

Kramer:You're pathetic! You're a disgrace to your family!

Kramer:Ukraine is weak! Their army is a joke!

Ukrainian Man:Excuse me, what did you say about Ukraine?

Kramer:I'm just playing the game, man. It's Risk.

Ukrainian Man:You think this is funny? I am from Ukraine!

Kramer:Oh... oh, no, no, no. I was just... it's just a game.

Ukrainian Man:You insult my country and my people!

Jerry:You're a re-gifter!

George:What's wrong with that? Everyone re-gifts.

Jerry:It's tacky. It's like saying, 'I don't care enough about you to get you something new.'

Elaine:I re-gift all the time.

Jerry:See, you're all re-gifters. It's dishonest.

George:The gift I re-gifted was terrible anyway. Nobody wanted it the first time.

George:You know what? I have an idea. We should have a threesome.

George:That way, she'll see I'm willing to try new things, and it'll take the pressure off me.

George:What if we got another woman involved?

Scott:I'm in.

Newman:These boxes... they're not just containers. They're vessels of human emotion. A man sends a package to his mother, he's saying 'I love you.' A woman mails a letter to her estranged father, she's reaching out across the void. And me? I'm the gatekeeper of all this human connection.

Newman:So when I see a box that's taped incorrectly, or a letter with insufficient postage, I don't just see a violation of postal code 39.2.4.7. I see a cry for help. A desperate plea for guidance.

Newman:That's why I reject it. Not out of malice, but out of love.

Jerry:Could you move over a little bit?

Jerry:A little more?

Jerry:Just shift your weight to the left.

Jerry:I'm gonna need you to stand up for a second.

Jerry:Could you possibly leave the apartment?

George:A grown woman with a male roommate. It's unnatural. It's an abomination.

Scott:No. Just throw my bras out of the way. [Scott calls from off-screen right as George is present]

Tim Whatley · Elaine:No one could ever put a label on you, huh? / We'll see.

Jerry · George:Newman. He's going with Newman. / How does Tim Whatley even know Newman? / Newman's his mailman. / Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?

George · Jerry:Well, he's merry. / He is merry. I'll give him that.

Elaine · Jerry:We went upstairs to his apartment to look for the label maker — / How? Did you say you had to use the bathroom? / No. / Then how did you get up there? / I said, 'Do you wanna go upstairs?' / And there's your ticket.

Jerry:You go out with a guy one time. You ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West. Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend.

Elaine · Jerry:You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going downtown? / Obviously.

Jerry:I don't trust this guy. I think he re-gifted, and then de-gifted. Now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry, I'm watching your door. / My door? / Yeah. From my peephole. Fisheye. Sees all.

Jerry · Kramer:What was that? / Newman. Open it. Open it. Open. / Damn.

Newman · Kramer:The bedroom. [Newman sneaking through Jerry's bedroom to access the Risk board]

Kramer · Jerry · Newman:Get him. / I see you, Newman. I see you. / I'm taking the Congo as a penalty.

Elaine · Tim Whatley:So where are we staying? / Oh, the Ambassador. / Big room? / It's a regular room, but it's right downtown.

Elaine · Tim Whatley:What do they have there? A couple of beds? / Why? You bringing someone else? / No... but don't you think there should be two beds? There's two of us.

Scott:Oh, a cactus. They don't need any water, so you don't have to keep taking them to the bathroom.

Bonnie · George:I asked Scott to move out. [Long pause as George processes]

Jerry · George:She rearranged her whole life for you. / Yeah, I guess she did. / He's gone. Now I'm the man. / That's not a good role for you. / No, it's not.

Jerry:You wanted to be ensconced in velvet. You're buried.

George · Jerry:I gotta go help tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping. / Well, here. Take Whatley's label maker.

Kramer · Newman:Too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, huh, Newman? / Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.

Tim Whatley · Jerry:Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? Hey, Cosmo! They're towing your car.

Kramer:What? Not my car! [Kramer bursts out and runs after the tow truck]

Jerry · Kramer:What are you doing? / I'm taking the board with me. [Kramer grabs the Risk board while chasing the tow truck]

Bonnie · George:Hi, George. / Where-? What happened? Where's-? Where's all the stuff? / It's gone. It was all his. / Is this a label maker?

George:But the table, the stereo, the VCR — The velvet couch. Where's the velvet?

Bonnie · George:They were his. / Besides, we don't need any of those things. / We have each other.

Jerry · Kramer · Newman:Are you sure you know where the impound yard is? / Oh, stop stalling. Come on. / I-I can't think. There's all this noise.

Newman:Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland, I've driven you out of Western Europe, and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation?

Kramer · Newman:I still have armies in the Ukraine. / Yeah? The Ukraine. You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

Ukrainian Man · Kramer · Newman:I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak. / Yeah, we're playing a game here, pal. / Ukraine is game to you? How about I take your little board and smash!

Tim Whatley · Elaine:But you gave it to me. / But you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl. / Hand it over, Whatley.

Elaine · Tim Whatley:You don't have the label maker, do you? / No. / I knew it. / You're a re-gifter. / Oh, yeah. Some gift. That thing didn't work at all. You put a label on something, 10 minutes later it would peel off. It was the worst gift I ever got.

Elaine:Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work. The way you worked on my filling, you were so — so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.

Tim Whatley:Oh, Elaine. [Tim Whatley, moved, leans in]

Jerry:H... G... F. Seat four. One, two, three— [Jerry counts across the row to his seat]

Jerry · Newman:Hello, Newman. / Hello, Jerry. / Tim couldn't make it. He's in love. / Isn't that wonderful? / Oh, it's enchanting.

Bonnie · George:Here's the TV. / I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl. / Do you at least have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four-hour game.

Bonnie:George, Scott's gonna drop by. He said he never got his boxes.

George:How am I gonna get out of this? Think, Costanza. Think!

George:I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I believe it's ménage à trois?

Bonnie · Scott · George:What? / Hi. / Scott. / Remember what we talked about the other day? / George is into it. / Oh, really?

Newman:Great streak of luck I'm having. First Kramer almost beats me at Risk, but I narrowly escape. And then Tim Whatley gives me this Super Bowl ticket. Can you move over at all?

Newman:And then—just as I'm about to go—these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies! I got this great mini TV and a VCR.

Newman · Jerry:It's unbelievable. / An inch. / Can you move over an inch? / Oh, come on.