The Butter Shave

Jerry:You look like an unemployed adult film actor.

George:Well, you look like you're trying to hide a weak chin.

George:You could get a whole new look. Start fresh, you know?

Jerry:George, I'm not getting a makeover.

George:Why not? You could dye your hair. Maybe go blonde.

Jerry:I'm not going blonde.

George:Or get some lifts in your shoes, add a couple inches.

Jerry:George...

George:You could get a nice tan. Maybe some highlights. A goatee.

Jerry:A goatee? What is wrong with you?

George:You're a blank canvas. We could reinvent you completely. New wardrobe, new attitude, new personality.

Jerry:I don't want a new personality. I like my personality.

George:That's where you're wrong.

Kramer:You know, if you're gonna fake an injury, you gotta commit to it. You can't just limp on Tuesdays.

Jerry:You know, you're like a remora fish. You know what a remora fish is? It's a fish that attaches itself to a shark and it just lives off the shark.

George:So I'm the remora fish?

Jerry:You're the remora fish.

Jerry:I'm the shark.

Jerry:So you're saying that a relationship is like a car, and if you don't maintain it, it breaks down.

George:Exactly! And the transmission is like trust, and the engine is like communication.

Jerry:So what's the air freshener?

George:The air freshener is... affection.

Jerry:Right. And when the air freshener stops working, the whole relationship falls apart. That makes perfect sense.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, this job is going to be huge. I'm gonna be working with professional sports teams, major league stuff.

Jerry:That's great, George. What exactly will you be doing?

George:I'll be in charge of all the equipment maintenance and setup. It's a big responsibility.

Jerry:So where's the job? Which team?

George:It's at the playground on 5th and Main. I'm maintaining the seesaw and the monkey bars.

Jerry:You're back with Puddy? Again?

Elaine:Yeah, we're giving it another shot.

Jerry:Elaine, you and Puddy are like a baseball team. You keep getting back together in the off-season, but you never make it to the World Series.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:You're cycling through the same season over and over. Eventually someone's gonna trade you away.

Jerry:A month in Europe with Elaine? That's a nightmare. By week two, we'd be having screaming matches in train stations. By week three, she'd have destroyed my sense of reality. By week four, I'd be checking myself into a Swiss psychiatric facility, and she'd be laughing about it from a café in Paris.

Puddy:What time is it in California?

Elaine:Three hours behind.

Pudty:Three hours behind what?

Elaine:Behind here! Three hours behind here! It's always three hours behind here, that's what time zones are!

Elaine:If you ask me one more stupid question, I'm gonna break up with you.

Jerry:I can't wear these anymore. They touched the bathroom floor.

George:So what? Just wash them.

Jerry:Wash them? George, they've been on a bathroom floor. They're toxic. I have to throw them out.

Jerry:What happened to you? You're covered in butter.

Kramer:I'm out of cooking oil.

Jerry:You're putting butter on your face?

Kramer:It's a moisture mask.

Jerry:You're gonna ruin the furniture!

Kramer:It's butter, Jerry. It's got all the moisturizers. Feel your face.

Jerry:No, I'm not gonna feel my face.

Kramer:Just feel it!

Jerry:No!

Kramer:Feel your face!

Jerry:Get away from me!

Boss:George, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I've always admired your... your...

George:What?

Boss:Your courage. Coming to work every day despite your... condition.

George:What condition? I don't have a condition.

Boss:Right, right. I apologize. Your differently-abled status.

George:I'm not differently-abled. I'm just a regular guy.

Boss:Of course, of course. Your uniquely-challenged perspective on life.

George:I don't have a perspective. I have a job.

Jerry:You're telling me you're going to fake a disability?

George:It's not faking, Jerry. I have a very real psychological condition.

Jerry:What condition?

George:I'm George Costanza. That's disability enough.

George:And that's when he said to me, 'George, I'm going to be president of the company.'

Jerry:Wait, how did he write his name on the contract?

George:Well, he... he used his feet.

Jerry:His feet? George, you just said he had no arms.

George:I know what I said.

Jerry:So what's the truth here?

George:The truth? I may have exaggerated some of the details.

George:The bathroom is very accessible. The toilet is very high. I'm sitting there like a gargoyle.

Jerry:Who's Jenna?

Kramer:She's a butter face.

Jerry:A butter face?

Kramer:Yeah, you know, her face looks like butter.

Jenna:So you're the comedian Jerry's always talking about.

Bania:Yeah, that's me. Jerry says great things about you.

Jenna:Well, he must really like you. He doesn't usually associate with funny people.

Puddy:Yeah, I'm pretty good in bed. I mean, I'm not gonna brag, but... I get the job done. Women seem pretty satisfied. I've never had any complaints.

Airplane Passenger:That's... great.

Puddy:Yeah, I mean, I'm no porn star or anything, but for a regular guy, I'm pretty solid.

Newman:Jerry, I've been thinking about us. We've had our differences, our disagreements, but underneath it all, there's a mutual respect, a bond that transcends our petty squabbles.

Jerry:Newman, that's very touching.

Newman:I'm glad you see it that way. Perhaps we could start fresh, move beyond the—

Jerry:So, what do you want?

Newman:You pathetic, selfish, miserable worm! How dare you!

European woman:He couldn't even handle Norwegian currency. He was a real cement head.

European woman:Stupid! A real ciment head!

Kramer:I'm like a rotisserie chicken!

Jerry:You're like a rotisserie chicken?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm all red and I keep turning!

Kramer:I'm fried.

Jerry:You're not fried. Fried is a cooking method. You're exhausted.

Jerry:Did the doctor recommend some kind of treatment?

Kramer:No, no, no. I'm using a more holistic approach. I'm reading 'Gourmet' magazine.

Jerry:You're reading a cooking magazine for medical advice?

Kramer:Well, it's all about ingredients, Jerry. You put the right ingredients in your body, you get the right results out.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, I really hurt myself. This time it's real.

Jerry:George, you've been limping on and off for three weeks. How do I know this isn't just another bit?

George:Because I actually fell down the stairs at Pendant Publishing! I twisted my ankle!

Jerry:So now when you're finally actually injured, nobody's going to believe you.

George:That's the story of my life, Jerry.

Jerry:He's got material about waiting in line at the supermarket. Material about how they always ask 'Paper or plastic?' Material about how his uncle's got a really hairy back. Material about how his socks always disappear in the dryer.

Jerry:You like Bania? What is wrong with you?

George:What? He's funny!

Jerry:He's not funny, George. He does observational comedy about nothing. 'Why do they call it a building if it's already built?' It makes no sense!

George:I don't know, I think he's got something.

Jerry:You know what? You're right. He's hilarious. I'm sorry I ever doubted him.

George:Really?

Jerry:No. You have terrible taste. The fact that you like him proves he's awful.

George:That's not fair!

Jerry:You laughed at 'puke,' George. You laughed at the word 'puke.'

Magnus:I'd rather be dead than listen to this one more second.

Kramer:I'm like a chicken breast - I need to be kept in butter at all times or I dry out.

Jerry:He's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter.

Jerry:Where'd you get the wheelchair?

George:I bought it.

Jerry:You bought it? What, did you have an accident?

George:No, I just wanted one.

Jerry:You're taking a disabled parking spot? What are you doing?

George:I'm disabled.

Jerry:You're not disabled.

George:Oh, so now you're a doctor? You can tell by looking at me whether I'm disabled or not?

Jerry:George, you're walking. You're walking perfectly fine.

George:My brain is disabled. I could have a learning disability. I could have emotional problems.

Jerry:Even if that were true, you still couldn't park there. Those spots are for people in wheelchairs.

George:So if I was in a wheelchair, I could park there?

Jerry:Yes!

George:Well, maybe I need a wheelchair. Maybe I should be in a wheelchair.

Jerry:You don't need a wheelchair, George. You're not disabled.

Elaine:That's it! I'm breaking up with you, and I'm doing it at 30,000 feet so you can't leave!

George:Bania represents my generation.

Jerry:George, he's like two years younger than you.

George:So? He's still my generation. A younger generation, but my generation.

Jerry:So cancer, huh? What's the deal with cancer? Nobody likes it. I mean, you go to the doctor, he says 'You got cancer,' and you're like 'Well, that's not good.' You ever notice that? Cancer's bad!

Audience member:My father just died of cancer.

Jerry:...Well, I'm sure he had his good points too.

Newman:You hit me with a wheelchair!

George:It barely tapped you.

Newman:You know how much power those things have? None! If you got hit by a wheelchair, you must've been going pretty slow.

Kramer:Oh yeah, he killed! He absolutely killed! I'm telling you, Jerry, this guy is a comedy machine. The jokes just kept coming, one after another. The audience was on the floor!

Kramer:I'm not just walking around covered in butter and herbs, I'm a human seasoning rack!

Jerry:Kramer, you look like you walked through an Italian restaurant.

Kramer:That's the idea! I'm marinating myself for flavor!

Boss:Wait a minute... you've been walking fine this whole time.

George:Well, I—

Boss:You've been faking it.

George:No, I just felt better today—

Boss:You're a liar, Costanza. You're a liar and a fraud.

NBC Executive:Your material is fresh, it's different. You're not trying to be clever or smart. You're just being funny.

Jerry:Thank you.

NBC Executive:That's what we need. Not all this observational stuff. Just pure, mindless comedy.

Jerry:That is disgusting!

Bania:That is disgusting! I'm gonna use that in my act.

Elaine:Oh no. No, no, no. You've got to be kidding me.

Puddy:What? I need a ride too.

Elaine:There is no cab shortage that's bad enough for this.

Puddy:Oh, come on. We can share.

Elaine:I would rather walk into traffic.

Puddy:Your loss.

Elaine:Wait, wait. Is that... are you getting in this cab?

Puddy:Looks like it.

Elaine:Oh God. Oh God, no.

Jerry · Kramer:Oh, like what? Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel? / That's true. That always happens to me.

Jerry · Kramer:You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan. / Maybe I am. / Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Kramer · George:Puke? That's a funny word. Puke. / You don't have to think about that.

Elaine · Puddy:Puddy and Elaine awkward silence on the plane — she offers him something to read, he declines; offers nap, declines; they sit in strained silence staring at the seat back

Elaine · Puddy · Magnus:We've been together two hours and we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago. / Oh, tell me about it. I don't know why I ever took you back. / Oh, please. I took you back. / You know it. I know it. Vegetable Lasagne here knows it.

Elaine:That's it. I cannot take this. I mean, look at this. Nothing has changed. We've been together two hours...we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago.

Magnus · Elaine:Please, please. I don't want to get involved. / I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we ram right into it and end this whole thing.

Kramer:Just a few more squirts because I gotta stay juicy.

George · Kramer:That smell. / It's still with you, huh? / Oh, yeah, it's baked on in. / Put another stick of butter in. / Yeah. Yeah. / Would you? / Yeah. Stir it up so it'll melt.

Kramer:Oh, yeah. That feels good. / Yeah, now I'm simmering.

Play Now Executive · George:Is there something wrong with your other leg? / What? No, no. Just the old handicap acting up. / But your cane's on the wrong side. / Oh, well. That's... That's just because we're standing on opposite sides.

George · Play Now Executive:See, this looks right to you, doesn't it? / Yeah, I guess. / But, see, here. / Right. / Wrong. / Right. / Wrong. Right. / Right. Wrong. / Will you stop it, George? Just stop it.

Jerry · George:You mugged Steven Hawking? / Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house.

Jerry:It must be comforting to know you'll be going to hell at no more than three miles an hour.

Elaine:Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead.

George · Jerry:Listen, Jerry, with all due respect, Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation. / We're four months apart. / Nevertheless.

Newman:Butter. / Kramer. / Butter. / Kramer. [Newman on rooftop, looking between the butter supply and Kramer]

Jerry · Kramer:George tells me you're gonna throw your set? / That's right, Choochie.

Jerry:Hey, everybody, who's ready to laugh? / And what's the deal with lamp shades? I mean, if it's a lamp... why do you want shade?

Jerry:Hey, everybody, who's ready to laugh? / And what's the deal with lamp shades? / I mean, if it's a lamp...why do you want shade?

Jerry · Audience Member:And what's with people getting sick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what's the deal with cancer? / I have cancer. / Tough crowd.

George · Street Kids:You dented my ride. / What you got there, the four volt? / I did you a favour. / How about I do you a favour upside your head?

George · Street teens:Hey. You dented my ride. / What you got there, the four volt? / I did you a favour. / How about I do you a favour upside your head? / Oh, yeah? / Oh, yeah. / Get the bikes.

Kramer · Jerry:Well, that wasn't so bad. / What are you talking about? I bombed. / No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit. It was edgy. It was not my thing. But some of those people, they liked it. / Like who? / Well, that guy who yelled out. / He had cancer. / And laughter is the best medicine.

Jerry · George:Well, that wasn't so bad. / What are you talking about? I bombed. / No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit. / It was edgy. It was not my thing. / But some of those people, they liked it. / Like who? / Well, that guy who yelled out. / He had cancer. / And laughter is the best medicine.

Kramer · George:Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey up there. / Turkey? / A big, fat turkey.

Kramer:What is this? Oregano? / Look at me. I'm all covered in oregano and parmesan and it's sticking because of the butter.

Jerry:The sweet stench of failure.

Jerry:The sweet stench of failure.

Newman · Kramer:He bit me. Get off of me. / Get off me. [Newman attacking Kramer, apparently trying to eat him]

George:Come on. That stupid two-hour battery. Now I've got you. [George's scooter runs out of battery while chasing street kids]

Play Now Executive · George:George? / Your legs. / Are you a religious man, sir? / No. / Eat hickory.

NBC Executive:That thing you did, the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think about. Give us a call. We wanna be in the Kenny Bania business.

NBC Executive:That thing you did, the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think about.

NBC Executive:By the way, Jerry, the suspenders... a little hackey.

NBC Executive:By the way, Jerry, the suspenders...a little hackey.

Bania · Jerry:Looks like I'm following you again. / Oh, I'm gonna puke. / Puke? That's a funny word. Can I use that?

Elaine · Puddy:This has been the worst month of my life, and if I never see you again it'll be too soon. / Ditto. / Oh, that's original. / Go to hell.

Elaine · Cab Driver:86th and Broadway, please. / I'm sorry, lady, there's a cab shortage. The transit police are making everyone share.

Elaine · Puddy:Oh, no. / Hello. / Oh, no. / I'm sorry. / Oh, no. / No! [Elaine gets in the cab and finds Puddy already in it]