Mamma Mia

Jack · Liz:Jack congratulates Liz on reading his memo about including more catchphrases in her show, then immediately recites one: 'If your man leaves the house in tighty-whiteys and comes back in a thong, that's a dealbreaker, ladies.'

Jack:'If he wears an Atlanta Falcons jersey to your sister's wedding, that's a dealbreaker, ladies.'

Jack · Liz:Liz protests that the Dealbreaker phrase is hers, Jack says 'I respect that, Lemon' — then Liz asks 'Jack, is this really what you wanted to talk to me about?' implying there's something deeper he's avoiding.

Liz:'Stop acting like a repressed Irishman, be Italian for a moment. I'm Jack and I don't know who my father is. I'm very emotional and I want to smash these barrels.'

Jack:Jack: 'Do you know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment. Guilt.'

Jack:Jack: 'Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.'

Jack:Jack: 'I don't want her to have to relive that. Plus I want to whisper something cutting in her ear as she dies.'

Liz:Liz: 'I haven't experienced much in my life, but if I've learned anything from my family on The Sims...'

Liz:Liz continues Sims wisdom: 'When a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to act out, then his mental state deteriorates until he wets himself.'

Liz:Liz (to herself, after Jack leaves): 'Why don't I have any other friends?'

Tracy · Jack:Jack visits Tracy, who says 'I'm practicing sitting.' Tracy is literally just sitting in a chair, practicing it.

Tracy · Jack:Tracy on why he never looked for his father: 'He's dead.' Jack: 'How do you know?' Tracy: 'Because I'm rich. If that man were alive he'd be living in my house and I'd be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I know you're hiding something from me, Jack. Let me guess — you bought a sidecar for your motorcycle and your dog won't sit in it.'

Tracy:Tracy reveals he has an illegitimate son who tracked him down, saying he felt 'shock, fear, and anger — like a dog in a sidecar when it detaches from the motorcycle.'

Tracy · Jack:'But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.' Jack: 'Thanks, Tracy.' [immediately after Tracy's heartfelt speech]

Jenna:Jenna announces Brett Michaels likes 'Dealbreaker' and wants to come on the show wearing the same outfit and do it with her. She says it was also used on SportsCenter: 'The Rangers are playing violently — that's a dealbreaker, ladies.'

Jenna · Liz · Jack:Jenna claims the Dealbreaker phrase is 'ours,' Liz corrects her that she wrote it for Jenna. Jenna: 'Right, it's ours — that's what I meant.' Jack: 'There's a reason you're the writer.'

Tracy:Tracy announces his illegitimate son to the writers' room, saying he wanted to tell them before they read about it in next month's issue of 'Black Contractors and Booties' magazine.

Tracy · Jack:Tracy, addressing the staff about his son: 'Like a dog in a sidecar when it detaches from the motorcycle. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.' Jack: 'Thanks, Tracy.' — exact repeat of the earlier exchange.

Tracy:'I knew about this boy three years ago, but I've been supporting him financially since then. I want to introduce you all — you sons of bitches — to my son of a bitch. My little Donald Jordan.'

Donald · Tracy:Donald immediately asks Tracy for $1,000 for 'something I need.' Tracy: 'As long as it's for something you need.'

Lynn · Jack:Lynn thanks Jack for meeting him 'here.' Jack: 'This is my office.' Lynn: 'I know but since I'm in the building I can access the cafeteria, which means free ice.'

Lynn:Lynn reveals that no one has called his home number since Marsha left: 'I think she got all our friends in the divorce settlement.'

Lynn:Lynn: 'I gave my gun to my priest in case I feel depressed again.'

Jack · Lynn:Lynn gives Jack an envelope with his father's name in it, says he'll give him privacy, and the scene cuts to Jack opening it alone — his reaction is just 'Oh my God!'

Liz · Pete:Liz is skeptical about Donald's age: 'That guy is conning him, right? Maybe Donald just looks old.' Pete: 'I know, but I find it hard to tell the age of Black people.'

Pete · Liz · Black Extra:A Black extra in the hallway demonstrates the age-guessing problem: 'How old do you think I am?' Pete: '25.' Liz: '50.' Extra: 'I'm 33. How old is Samuel L. Jackson?'

Pete · Liz:Pete and Liz use the Samuel L. Jackson data to reason that maybe Tracy is actually 60, listing supporting evidence: can't rap, has diabetes, many dead friends, falls asleep sitting, can't use computers, always angry at TV, favorite show is NCIS.

Pete · Liz:Pete's theory: Tracy might actually be 60 years old — evidence includes bad rapping, diabetes, many dead friends, falling asleep sitting up, can't use computers, angry at TV, favorite show is NCIS

Liz · Jack:Jack reads the envelope: three potential fathers. Liz says 'It's like Mamma Mia.' Jack: 'What?' Liz: 'Nothing, don't push it, let it happen, there's going to be a Mamma Mia.'

Liz · Jack:Liz explains the Mamma Mia plan: 'They can come to you. We can trick them into coming here, then we can sing on the dock.' Jack: 'What are you talking about?' Liz: 'It's Mamma Mia, the musical film that was a global success, based on the stage musical using ABBA songs. It's a movie, Jack, let's watch it quickly.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: Plan is they win a competition. Jack: 'How do we get them here?' Liz: 'They won a contest — they won a trip to New York and tickets to TGS.' Jack: 'Fine, bring them here. And all I'm promising is a musical film, wild and noisy.' Liz: 'Dot dot dot fun. Dot dot dot gorgeous.'

Liz:Liz quotes the Mamma Mia movie tagline: '...fun. ...fabulous.' which was on the poster

Liz:Liz: 'That was written on the poster.'

Liz:Liz at a lottery machine: 'Why won't this stupid machine do what I want? I'm going to miss the jackpot drawing.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete: 'Tracy, you're 39, right?' Tracy: 'Of course. Why would I lie about my age? I work in entertainment.'

Pete · Tracy:Pete tries to verify Tracy's age by referencing a Rob Base song, 'It Takes Two' — 'everyone our age knows that song, right?'

Tracy · Pete · Liz:Tracy sings 'It Takes Two' lyrics confidently: 'I'm a woman lover, I'm a girl lover, even ladies who never seen me love me' — Pete and Liz confirm this doesn't help because he's using it in a song.

Tracy:Tracy raps about himself using rhyme: 'I also rhyme when I'm on TV — and I don't know why, so let's go because it...'

Tracy · Donald:Donald says he's 21. Tracy: 'Yeah, son, that's what his birth certificate says — the one I printed out for him.'

Donald:Donald says he's opening a martial arts academy, 'or whatever it's called.' Tracy asks 'Are you sure?' Donald: 'Yeah, I'll teach karate and whatever to kids or whoever.'

Kenneth:Kenneth enters: 'Miss Lemon, your contest winners have arrived — your three fathers.'

Liz · Jack:Liz introduces George Park — Jack: 'He's Korean.' The immediate reaction to George being Korean as a disqualifying factor (implied by the mutual look).

Fred · Jack · Liz:Fred O'Dwyer explains: 'In World War II, a hand grenade went off in my privates.' Jack: 'So you never reproduced.' Fred: 'Impossible.' 'My privates look like a plate of spaghetti.'

Milton · Jack:Milton Green clears his throat before speaking, then apologizes: 'Sorry, there was something in my throat. I'm Milton Green.' Jack reacts with clear recognition/interest.

Liz · Kenneth · Jenna:Liz: 'Jenna has a Time Out shoot — why do they want her?' Kenneth: 'No reason.' 'They're naming her Most Amusing Woman in New York.' Liz: 'What time do they want me there to make her look funny?'

Jenna · Liz:Liz: 'I know you're upset, but Jenna fully acknowledges that you co-wrote the Dealbreaker bits.' Jenna: 'Yes, we wrote it together — she texted her gay friends while I stayed up until 4am eating raisin bran dry to stay awake — and by the way, that's how I can ride the fart train to work every day.'

Liz · Jack:Jack, to Jenna, in his 'calm dad voice': Liz describes it that way — 'I like it when you use the calm, reasonable father voice.'

Jack:Liz says Jack should use the calm dad voice to tell Jenna that Liz will appear in the magazine with her. Jack pockets a muffin: 'I'll save this for later.'

Liz:Liz spots Donald with a half-wrapped muffin: 'Look at this con man. What 21-year-old wraps up half a muffin?'

Kenneth · Liz:Kenneth says he likes 'S and M magazines.' Liz: 'Excuse me?' Kenneth: 'S and M — I use that as shorthand for Sorcery and Magicalness.'

Donald · Pete · Liz:Donald says he'll get Jack's address 'from my dad' — 'instead of doing that now, good idea.' Pete and Liz exchange knowing looks.

Pete:Pete: 'I was trying to steal my dead neighbor's identity because sometimes things feel like too much and maybe I need to get in a car and drive away.'

Jack · Milton:Jack asks the three potential fathers if there's a history of mental illness in their family. Milton: 'Don't get me started — a relative of mine killed all his coworkers.'

Milton:Milton: 'The Greens are very sharp until the very end. Which makes the ending more terrifying. My father died screaming.'

Jack · Milton:Jack asks Milton if he knows many other Greens — 'In your church? At Christmas?' Milton: 'We're secular.' Jack: 'Of course, but if you had to choose...'

Jack · Milton:Jack notices a photo of Milton with Tom DeLay. Milton: 'I consider The Hammer a hero.' Jack: 'I'm sorry — did you just mock the House Majority Whip?' Milton: 'I never thought of him as such.'

Jack · Milton:Jack: 'Tom DeLay's legacy to America — raping the environment and waging illegal war.' Milton: 'History will vindicate the liberation of Iraq.' Jack: 'I was talking about the war on drugs, and by extension your hypocrisy.'

Jack · Milton:Milton attacks Jack's knowledge of single mothers, Jack retorts: 'What do YOU know about single mothers? What do you know about families?' — they're now screaming at each other in a full argument.

Milton · Jack:Milton: 'I won't be spoken to like this — I'm a contest winner.' 'And a professor at Bennington.' Jack: 'How's it going teaching people who couldn't get into Middlebury?' Milton: 'How dare you.' Jack: 'How dare YOU.' Both: 'How dare you!' in unison.

Milton:Milton storms out: 'To hell with you and your little contest!'

Jenna · Jack · Liz:Jenna tears her blouse at the photo shoot; Jack's reaction: 'Oh my god.' Jack says she looks beautiful. Jenna: 'I'll go get some tape.' Jack: 'Oh my God, Liz.'

Jack:Jack (to Jenna, after Liz warns her not to be photographed doing funny things): 'I'm glad you insisted on doing this. Thank you for including her with such grace. I know something like this is all she has in her life.'

Liz:Liz advises Jenna at the photo shoot: 'Don't use props. They always photograph you being funny and that's the photo they use and you look like an idiot.' Then: 'Open your mouth a little, try to look like Lindsay Lohan.'

Jenna · Liz · Photographer:The photographer: 'Now pick up the chicken, Jenna. Good try.' Liz is photographed holding a chicken over a toilet. The photographer: 'Amazing! Great!'

Jenna · Photographer:Photographer to Jenna: 'Flap your arms like a chicken laying an egg.' Photographer: 'Amazing! Great!'

Photographer:Photographer: 'Amazing! You're the funny girl!'

Latz · Donald:Latz challenges Donald to a kumite karate match.

Donald · Pete · Liz:Donald demonstrates 'forward kick, forward kick' in the kumite — and clearly knows karate. Then: 'Guilty fugitive!' Pete and Liz react.

Pete:Pete: 'Mama's boy! Help mama's boy! Help mama's boy!' — apparently shouting something to distract or label Donald during the karate match.

Jack · Liz:Jack asks Liz: 'What did you say to Milton?' Liz: 'I think he was leaving until I mentioned Cornell West at the New School.'

Liz · Milton:Liz: 'He's just like you — he's smart and sophisticated and he can actually make fun of my shoes.' Milton: 'When he saw the shoe, he asked me when my cult was going to commit suicide.'

Liz:Liz: 'You had a drink and got into a fight about politics. You call that personal when he disagrees with you? That's called having a father, Jack.'

Liz · Jack:Liz describes the two possible outcomes: 'Tell him and he rejects you, you come back Jack Donaghy and that's pretty great.' OR 'Tell him and he cries and you hug and you have a dad.' Jack: 'One of those two things.' Liz: 'There's no third weird thing.'

Jack:Jack (to Liz, after the emotional conversation): 'By the way, the medical supply store where you bought those shoes — do they carry women's items?'

Pete · Liz:Pete and Liz: 'Obviously Donald knows karate. We still don't know how old any African American is.' Pete: 'By the way, I got the birth certificate.' Liz: 'Really? How?' Pete: 'The clerk just gave it to me.' Liz: 'You'll understand when you get older.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'He's 40, don't sign it.' Tracy: 'Okay.' Tracy: 'I was going to put it in a birthday card from birthday-cards-dot-com but you're right.' 'The card is enough.' 'Happy 18th Birthday.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Liz Lemon, I may hug strangers and get lost in malls, but I'm not a dummy.' Liz: 'Sorry, what?' Tracy: 'Why have you been giving him all this money then?' Tracy explains Donald reminded him of someone — 'John Travolta in Grease, and me.'

Tracy · Liz:Liz: 'What do you consider giving Donald money — charity?' Tracy: 'Call it what you want, but in the last three years Donald has gone from conning celebrities to having a small business. The martial arts academy is real. And the community center is thriving.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Did you know he bought a chess set with the 80 dollars Kenneth gave him? And a box of protective cups.' Liz: 'Those kids are so lucky.'

Donald:Donald enters: 'Hi, Dad. Wanna go see the martial arts academy? Or as I call it — Tracy Jordan's Karate Academy for Black Kids?'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna sees the Time Out cover: a photo of Liz giving birth to a chicken over a toilet. 'Oh my God.' Liz: 'They chose the photo of me birthing a chicken over a toilet. Why didn't you listen to me?' Jenna: 'Because I thought you were trying to cut me out of the magazine.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'Why didn't you listen to me?' Liz: 'Because I thought you were trying to keep me out of the magazine.' Jenna: 'I was trying to prevent us BOTH from being embarrassed.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'My photo is on the cover.' Jenna: 'And these are the outtakes.' Jenna's cover photo is also embarrassing — presumably Jenna doing something equally absurd.

Milton:Milton recalls Colleen: 'That takes me back a few years — 1958? She rented me a room when I was in graduate school. I couldn't pay rent one month and she said maybe I could give her something else. So I gave her the radio. Two weeks later we got drunk and had sex.'

Milton:'Two weeks later we got drunk and had sex.' — Milton's complete, matter-of-fact origin story

Jack · Milton:Jack: 'I'm Jack Donaghy, Colleen's son. I was born about 9 months after you two... did that. God.' Milton: 'Oh my God — wait. Is this a contest to find out who your father is?'

Jack:Jack's reveal: 'I'm Jack Donaghy. I'm Colleen's son. And I was born approximately nine months after you did that.'

Milton · Jack:Milton: 'I have a son.' [long pause] 'I have a handsome son.' Jack: 'And I have a father.'

Milton · Jack:Milton: 'Fate has brought us together, Jack, to open a new chapter in my life.' Jack: 'Yes, isn't that amazing.' Milton: 'You don't know anything yet.' Jack: 'What?' Milton: 'I need a kidney transplant.'

Jack:Jack's reaction to the kidney request: 'This is really something.' [beat] — delivered with visible disbelief/resignation.