The Limo

Jerry:You ever notice airport stores have their own pricing system? A sandwich costs like $23.

Jerry:You complain about it, they're like, 'Well, you're in the airport. Different rules apply here. You think you're still in America? You're not. This is airport.'

Jerry:You ever notice how expensive airport food is? A sandwich costs like fifteen dollars. And you know what that means? The entire aviation industry exists just to support sandwich sales. That's it. Airlines aren't in the business of transportation. They're in the business of getting you trapped in a metal tube where you'll pay fifteen bucks for a sandwich that costs thirty cents to make.

Jerry:So the airlines, they're in on it with the sandwich companies. That's the real conspiracy.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Think about it. You're on a plane, you're trapped. They sell you a tuna sandwich for eight dollars. Eight dollars! On the ground, it's three fifty.

George:So what, they're working together?

Jerry:Of course they are. The airline delays the flight an extra hour, you get hungry, you buy the sandwich. Sandwich company kicks back a percentage to the airline.

Kramer:That's brilliant.

Jerry:It's diabolical is what it is.

Jerry:Excuse me, what time is it?

Airport man:It's 2:15.

Jerry:No, I mean what time is it by that clock over there?

Airport man:It's the same time. It's 2:15.

Jerry:Yeah, but I want to know what time it is by THAT clock.

Airport Man:You know, there are rules! There are conventions! We live in a society!

George:The car's breaking down. I'm telling you, it's having a nervous breakdown. It's stressed out, anxious... it won't start in the morning.

George:I think it needs therapy. Maybe some Prozac. A nice relaxing drive on the highway.

Jerry:So now you have no car, no job, no apartment...

George:I know, I know.

Jerry:You're like a non-person.

George:What if the chauffeur knows O'Brien? What if he mentions my name?

Jerry:George, he's a chauffeur. He's not going to know O'Brien.

George:You don't know that!

Jerry:Yes, I do. If he knew O'Brien, he'd have a sign that said 'O'Brien.' He's got a sign that says 'Costanza.'

George:What are you worried about? Nobody's going to find out.

George:I'm getting tired of being George Costanza. I think I should change my name to something cooler. Something Irish.

Jerry:Irish? George, you're not Irish.

George:I know, but I could be. What's wrong with that? I could be anybody I want to be.

Jerry:You could be, but you're not.

George:I could be. I could walk into any restaurant right now, and tell them my name is Foghorn Leghorn, and they'd believe me.

Jerry:They would not believe you.

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because you don't look like a Foghorn Leghorn.

George:I could look like one. I could get a hat. A big cowboy hat.

Jerry:Hey, didn't I see you at the airport?

Airport man:Yeah, so?

Jerry:So... nothing. Just making conversation.

Airport man:Well, don't.

George:I was in a limo. A real limo!

George:No, you don't understand. I was actually IN the limo. I got in it.

George:Why does nobody believe me? I'm telling you, I was in a limo!

George:It had a bar! A minibar! Inside the limo!

Jerry:So let me get this straight - you called her back, told her you were busy, and then she saw you at the coffee shop?

George:I panicked! I was getting a marble rye!

Jerry:A marble rye. The most important loaf in the history of bread.

Jerry:So how do we know if this partition is really soundproof?

George:I'll say something really inappropriate and sexual, and if you can't hear me, then it works.

Jerry:That's your solution?

George:What? It's the ultimate test!

George:I'm going to have the lobster bisque. It's a very sophisticated choice, you know. I find that the subtle notes of crustacean really speak to one's refined palate.

George:You know, I've been thinking about something George Bernard Shaw once said. He said, 'Some people see things as they are and ask why. I see things as they could be and ask why not.' It's brilliant, really.

George:Actually, wait. I think it's 'Some people see things as they are and ask why. I see things as they aren't and ask... uh... why... not?' No, that's not right either.

Jerry:I'm in a limo. I'm feeling pretty cool right now.

Driver:We have a party of six.

George:A party? Where's the music? Where's the hats?

George:It's a good jig.

Jerry:It's not a good jig.

George:It's a great jig.

Jerry:It's not a great jig.

George:It's the best jig I've ever seen.

Jerry:It's not the best jig you've ever seen.

George:What do you mean I don't look Irish? I'm Irish!

Jerry:You don't look Irish, George.

George:Well whose fault is that?

Jerry:What are you talking about? That's not my fault.

George:You're the one who casts me in these things!

Jerry:You know, like on those old TV shows, the guy jumps out of the car while it's still moving.

George:Yeah, like The Saint or something.

Jerry:Exactly! They make it look so easy.

George:Well, those guys were professionals.

Jerry:Oh yeah, The Big Game! Classic. I mean, what happens in that book is just... wow. Really something. The way he writes about, you know, the game and everything that goes on during it. That's what I'm talking about.

Elaine:So what do you make, George?

George:Why? Why would you ask me that?

Jerry:He makes $60,000 a year.

George:Jerry! What are you doing?

Jerry:What? You told me.

George:I did not tell you that!

Jerry:You absolutely did. You were complaining about taxes.

George:That's private information!

Elaine:$60,000? That's not bad.

George:It's not about the amount, it's about the principle!

Kramer:See, what Jordan does is he plants his left foot, then he goes up like this, and he twists his body in mid-air... (demonstrates with exaggerated movements) ...and the defender doesn't know where the ball is going!

Jerry:Kramer, you're knocking over the coffee table.

Kramer:That's the beauty of it, Jerry! The unpredictability!

Jerry:Nobody cares who's in limos. You could be sitting in a limo and nobody cares. But you put a dwarf in a limo, everybody's got to look. 'Oh my God, a dwarf in a limo!' Like somehow the dwarf is getting more out of the limo than regular people. Like the limo is a better value for a dwarf.

Jerry:You know what a limo is? It's just a car with a bar in it. That's it. It's like a 1970s bachelor pad on wheels. 'Oh, look at me, I'm in a limo!' No, you're in a shag-carpeted time capsule with a steering wheel.

Jerry:You know what I was thinking about in that limo? All the people who've been in that limo before me. I mean, think about it. A limo is like a mobile history of bad decisions.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:Well, you got your businessmen, your celebrities, your wedding parties... How many people you think have actually done it in the back of a limo?

George:Oh, come on!

Jerry:I'm serious! And that's just the people we know about. You got the upholstery, the carpet, the little bar...

Kramer:I once spilled a drink in a limo.

Jerry:That's not helping, Kramer.

Jerry:We're going to miss the tip-off.

George:Someone tipped me off about this restaurant.

Jerry:Tipped you off? About what?

George:That's what I'm saying — we got tipped off. We can't go to the game.

Elaine:Oh yes, it's a masterpiece. The way he... the prose, it just... it really captures the essence of the human condition. The symbolism is just extraordinary.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry (as O'Brien) asks Elaine about 'The Big Game' — she gushes that it 'changed my life' and he responds 'It's just a game. Remember that, kids.'

Kramer:What's the deal with this 'Bizarro Jerry' thing? Who is this guy?

Jerry:It's just a name I made up.

Kramer:A name you made up? Why would you make up a name?

Jerry:I don't know, I was trying to impress someone.

Kramer:Impress someone? By pretending to be someone else?

Kramer:Kramer's paranoid deduction: Jerry being neat and organized proves he's the secret head of the Aryan Union

George:This is a horrific Nazi speech.

Jerry:Yeah, but say it like you mean it.

Tim:Tim's response when Jerry asks about 'the myth of the Holocaust': 'Said so many things.'

George:Is that a Nazi gun?

Bodyguard:Yeah.

George:Nice gun.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me Jerry's obsessed with cleanliness?

George:He's got a whole system. Separate towels, separate sponges...

Kramer:That's not cleanliness. That's fascism.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:The obsession with order, the purity of the races— I mean, the purity of the bathroom. It's Nazi stuff, Jerry!

Kramer:Jerry's not who you think he is. I'm telling you, there's something going on.

Elaine:Kramer, what are you talking about? Jerry's just Jerry.

Kramer:That's what he WANTS you to think. But I know the truth.

Elaine:What truth?

Kramer:He's a cereal killer.

George:Wait, wait. She's a Nazi?

Jerry:Yeah.

George:How bad could it be?

George:I can't run. I injured my hamstring.

George:I was fighting with the fitted sheet on the hotel bed. It wouldn't go on right, so I'm pulling, I'm yanking, and then I felt something go.

George:These sheets are so tight, I can't move. I'm like a burrito. A very uncomfortable, overpriced burrito.

George:I tried to roll over last night and I couldn't. I'm lying there thinking, 'Is this a bed or am I in the linen section of a department store?'

George:And the corners! Who needs corners this tight? I feel like I'm being tucked in by my mother. Except my mother was nicer about it.

George:George, inside the limo with actual neo-Nazis: 'Kind of a cute Nazi, though.'

George:Now, the way I see it, we're not even going to get a table unless I start acting like a very important person. And a very important person does not eat in a booth.

George:So I'm going to sit at the counter, I'm going to order a tuna on toast, I'm going to look at the menu, I'm going to ask the waitress questions about it, and I'm going to make her very uncomfortable.

George:Then I'm going to tell her that I'm the leader of the World Union of Nazis, and I should be treated with respect.

Waitress:We don't have a booth.

George:That's fine. I'll sit at the counter. And I'm still the leader of the Nazis.

Waitress:...okay?

Tim · Jerry:Tim makes a point of waiting for Jerry to say 'I'm sorry' — Tim corrects the head of the Aryan Union for being rude

Kramer:You know, Jerry, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. And I think you're a very clean person.

Jerry:Thank you.

Kramer:Too clean. I think cleanliness is a fascist indicator.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:Yeah, the Nazis, they were very clean people. Very meticulous.

Elaine:So you're telling me Kramer thinks there's some elaborate Nazi conspiracy?

Jerry:Yes, and somehow it all makes perfect sense to him.

Elaine:What's the simple, reasonable explanation?

Jerry:There isn't one. That's the whole thing.

Neo-Nazi:You're not really Irish, are you?

Jerry:Well, I got drunk and fell down the stairs.

George:It's gold, Jerry! Gold! I'm telling you, this stuff is liquid gold! You take a little dab, rub it on your face, suddenly you're a different man. Women are looking at you, they're smiling at you. I walked past a mirror, I didn't recognize myself! That's the power of this stuff, Jerry. That's the power!

Jerry:My mother's side is Irish. She's always talking about the potato famine. I'm like, 'Ma, it was a tragedy, but come on — it's not like they ran out of Lucky Charms.'

Jerry:You know, I was reading about Irish bog bodies. These are people who died thousands of years ago and were perfectly preserved in the peat. And now museums are displaying them like they're fine art. 'Oh, look at the craftsmanship of the preservation!' No! This guy fell in a swamp!

Jerry:But the Irish are treating it like it's the Louvre. 'Isn't it magnificent? The way the bog has aged this corpse... such character, such depth.' It's a dead body! It's not a fine wine!

Kramer:Wait a minute. You're telling me that George Costanza, a man with no job, no money, and no prospects, actually exists as a real human being?

George:What are you talking about?

Kramer:I'm saying, nobody could be this pathetic. You gotta be part of some kind of experiment.

Kramer:It's a conspiracy! Jerry and George are in on it together!

Jerry:In on what? We barely like each other.

Kramer:That's exactly what you want people to think! But I've figured it out.

George:Kramer, what are you talking about?

Kramer:You two... you're working together to drive me crazy. It all connects!

Cross-eyed man:Are you talking to me?

Other character:Yeah, you.

Cross-eyed man:How do you know you're not talking to him?

I don't have enough context from the punchline description to accurately parse the dialogue. Please provide the actual text of the setup and punchline.

Jerry:We're not racist! We have nothing against Nazis. I mean, they're people too. We just don't want to offend them.

George:I mean, you have to consider their point of view. I'm not saying what they did was right, but they were doing what they thought was best for their country at the time.

Jerry:George, they were Nazis!

George:So? That doesn't mean we have to be rude about it.

George:I'm not George! I'm not George!

George:You got the wrong guy!

Jerry:You ever notice in movies when they show Nazis, they're always doing these big dramatic salutes? But what about regular Nazi office work? Like, 'Hey, did you get those reports?' HEIL! 'The coffee's ready in the break room.' HEIL HITLER! You can't just be a Nazi nine-to-five. It's gotta be performance art all the time.