The Robbery

Jerry:So this guy gives me the finger. The finger! What does that mean? I mean, if I really think about it, what is he saying? 'Hey, I'm gonna get you!' with one finger? That's not even a good threat. If someone's really mad at you, shouldn't they use all five fingers? 'Look out, he's got all five!' Now that's scary. But one finger? 'Ooh, I'm so threatened by your pinky.' It's ridiculous.

Jerry:So the middle finger is supposed to be offensive, right? But why? It's just a finger. I mean, if I point at you with my index finger, that's fine. But the middle finger? Suddenly it's a federal offense.

Jerry:What if someone just had really short index and ring fingers? They're walking around, they go to point at something, and everyone thinks they're being hostile. 'Hey, what's your problem?' 'No, no, I'm just gesturing!'

Jerry:What if instead of the finger, you gave someone the toe? Like, you're at a restaurant, the waiter brings you the wrong order, you just lift your shoe and give him the toe.

George:Nobody's gonna respect the toe.

Jerry:You could make it work. You'd have to build up to it though. Start with the finger, work your way down.

Elaine:How long would that take?

Jerry:Years. Years of finger before you could move to the toe.

Jerry:So what, I'm supposed to give you my toe? Like, 'Here, take my toe'? What am I doing, what is the gesture here?

Jerry:I'm like a machine. A packing machine. No wasted motion. I should be a professional packer. I could pack for the Olympics.

Jerry:Packing is like military strategy. You gotta think about troop deployment, supply lines, terrain.

Jerry:I mean, I'm basically a general. I'm looking at my suitcase like it's a battlefield.

Jerry:Socks go here, that's the north flank. Shirts are the south. Underwear is my reserve force.

Jerry:One wrong move and the whole operation collapses. Suddenly you're wrinkled, you've got no clean clothes, it's a disaster.

George:You know what's amazing about Jerry's apartment? The hot water. It takes like twenty minutes to get hot water in that shower.

George:Twenty minutes! I'm standing there like an idiot, waiting for the water to get warm. My whole life is passing before my eyes.

George:I could've showered, gotten dressed, made breakfast, read the paper... all in the time it takes for that water to get hot.

George:My refrigerator's been making this noise. I called the repairman, he said, 'Don't worry about it.'

George:So I don't worry about it. Next day, it's louder. I call him back, 'It's getting worse.' He says, 'It's just settling.'

George:Settling? It sounds like it's dying. Then he tells me, 'Could be the compressor.' Could be? COULD BE?

George:Now I'm worried. I open it up, and there's this cheese in there. Just sitting there. And I think, 'That cheese is the least of my problems.'

George:But you know what? That cheese... that cheese is REAL. That cheese is THERE. Unlike my refrigerator, which might not be here tomorrow!

George:You can't eat the tuna salad, it's been sitting out since Tuesday. And don't even look at the potato salad - I'm pretty sure something's growing in there. The chicken? Forget about it. It smells like a tire fire.

Elaine:So what, we just starve?

George:No uncomfortable sexual activity.

Elaine:It's not dinner theater, it's a dinner and a show.

Jerry:Oh, well that changes everything.

Elaine:My roommate got a part in A Chorus Line.

Roommate:♪ One singular sensation... ♪

Jerry:A two-bedroom apartment? What am I gonna do with two bedrooms? I don't even use the one I have. I just sleep in different parts of it.

George:You should really take a look at this apartment, Jerry. It's a great place.

Jerry:George, why are you suddenly so interested in me moving?

George:What? I'm just trying to help a friend.

Jerry:Come on, what's the real reason?

George:Alright, fine. If you move, my parents will think I'm not living in your apartment and I can tell them I have my own place.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry says he can't think about the apartment — 'I'm going to Minneapolis.' Then the scene cuts to the apartment already ransacked.

George:What's the difference? It's cold, it's desolate, I'm there.

Elaine:I can't believe I left the door open. I was just so distracted.

Elaine:I was going to return it, but then 'The Young and the Restless' came on, and Victor was about to confront Nikki about the affair, and I just couldn't leave!

Jerry:I don't have insurance. You know why? Because the lock on my apartment door has an obvious design flaw.

George:I'm only human.

Jerry:No, you're not.

Jerry:What bothers me most is that he's using my answering machine. He's out there committing crimes and I'm taking his messages.

Police Officer:So you're saying you didn't get a good look at the perpetrator?

Jerry:No, it all happened so fast.

Police Officer:Well, I'll be honest with you. Even if you had gotten a good look, we probably wouldn't catch him anyway.

George:My mother is like Ethel Merman, minus the talent.

Jerry:You ever notice when you get robbed, they give you a copy of the police report? What is that? Why would you want that? 'Oh great, thanks for the report. Now I know officially that I got robbed.' Like you needed documentation. 'Honey, I'm not sure if we got robbed.' 'Well, here's the report!'

Jerry:You know, Batman's got it easy. In his world, crime is simple. You got the Joker, you got the Riddler, you got the Penguin. These are guys in costumes doing crimes. In real life, crime is much more complicated. You got white-collar crime, you got organized crime, you got crimes of passion. It's a mess. Batman, he just throws some batarangs, problem solved. In real life, you need lawyers, you need forensics, you need years of investigation. Batman's fighting guys who announce their crimes ahead of time. 'I'm the Riddler, and I'm going to rob the museum on Tuesday.' Who does that? Real criminals don't send out press releases.

Jerry:You know what's great about Batman? All the criminals he fights are color-coordinated. The Penguin, he's in a tuxedo. The Riddler, he's in a question mark suit. If you're a cop in Gotham, you don't even need to solve crimes. You just wait for someone to walk by in a crazy outfit.

Jerry:So they're delivering wood? How much do you tip a wood guy?

Jerry:So you're telling me you tip your gardener?

George:Of course I tip my gardener. What, you don't tip your gardener?

Jerry:I don't have a gardener.

George:Well, if you did, you'd tip him.

Kramer:I tip my gardener fifty bucks a week.

Jerry:Fifty dollars? For what?

Kramer:He comes by, he waters the plants, he trims the hedges.

George:That's fair. I tip mine forty.

Jerry:Forty dollars? To pull some weeds?

George:He does more than pull weeds!

Kramer:Yeah, and the way the economy's going, you gotta show these guys respect.

Jerry:It's a yard, not a restaurant.

George:It's nice.

Jerry:I'll tell you what, George. I'll sell you the couch.

George:Really? How much?

Jerry:$900.

George:$900?! For that couch? Jerry, I can buy a new couch for $900!

Jerry:Not like this one, you can't.

Jerry:What's it worth?

George:Fifty bucks.

Jerry:Fifty bucks? George, this is a nice couch!

George:Look, I'm not a couch appraiser. You want to sell it, take fifty bucks. You want to keep it, keep it.

George:I want the apartment, but I don't want to want it.

Jerry:What does that mean?

George:If I want it, then I'm disappointed when I don't get it. But if I don't want it, then I'm not disappointed.

Jerry:So you don't want the apartment?

George:I want the apartment. I'm just not going to want to want it.

George:We'll flip a coin. Heads, you move out. Tails, I move out.

Jerry:What about the edge? What if it lands on the edge?

George:It's not going to land on the edge.

Jerry:But if it does, what happens? We need to establish the rules before we flip.

George:Jerry, it's a coin flip. It's the simplest thing in the world.

Jerry:Is it? Is it really? What if the coin is fake? What if it's weighted?

George:Why would I have a weighted coin?

Jerry:I don't know. That's why we need to have these discussions.

George:I can't believe I lost. I can't believe I actually lost. Why did I play? Why? I'm an idiot. I'm a complete idiot. I deserve to lose. I deserve to live in the streets.

George:So I'm doing a little detective work, you know? I follow this guy for three blocks. I'm ducking behind parked cars, I'm checking reflections in store windows...

Jerry:You're not a detective, George.

George:I know I'm not a detective! But I can act like one. So I go into this coffee shop where he went, and I order coffee. I sit at the counter. I'm reading the newspaper, but I'm really watching him in the mirror behind the counter.

Jerry:Did he notice?

George:Of course he noticed! I had the newspaper upside down!

George:She sneezed. A woman doesn't sneeze like that unless she's interested.

Jerry:George, she sneezed.

George:It wasn't a regular sneeze. It was a *meaningful* sneeze. There's a lot you can tell from a sneeze.

Jerry:What can you tell?

George:Everything! The sneeze is very telling. A woman sneezes like that, she likes you. I'm telling you, I know these things.

Jerry:Imagine if a judge enforced playground rules in court. 'Objection, Your Honor!' 'That's sustained, but you have to sit in timeout.'

Jerry:A lawyer presents evidence and the judge says, 'Okay, but he called dibs on the defendant first, so case dismissed.'

Jerry:The jury foreman stands up: 'We find the defendant... not guilty! And we're not giving back his lunch money.'

Jerry · George:You could take it? You want it? — No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it. — So you do want it. — I want it if you don't want it.

Jerry:My grandparents, they lived to like 100, and they never did anything right. They smoked, they drank, they didn't exercise. And here I am, I do everything right - I eat well, I exercise, I don't smoke. And they're living to 100! What is that about? I'm doing all this stuff and I'm gonna die at 50.

Jerry:You're worried about becoming like your father?

George:Terrified. I'm gonna end up just like him.

Jerry:George, you're already like him.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:You're bald, you're short, you have a temper.

Carol:Everyone, I'd like you to meet my neighbors, Jerry and George. They're the ones who thought it was a good idea to install a bidet in their apartment.

Jerry:We didn't install it, it came with the place.

George:And we haven't even used it.

Carol:That's the mistake I'm talking about.

Jerry:Yeah, it's a great location. You know what would make it even better? If it were near the park.

George:I'll tell you what, I'll choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it.

George:Why did I put out two? Why did I put out two?!

Kramer · Jerry:You know the Englishman who lives down the hall? I think he's avoiding me. — Hard to imagine.

Kramer · Jerry:I tested him, like, this is what I said, like this. I went: 'Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.' Very casual so he'll take me into his confidence. — So, what did he say? — 'What stuff?'

Jerry · Kramer:Case closed. — No, no. You don't understand. See, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed.

Kramer · Jerry:I'm gonna go over there. I'm gonna borrow some tea. If I don't get back in five minutes, you better call the police. — Okay. Starting now!

Jerry:One of them says, 'I got the front seat.' 'I wanted it.' 'I called it.' And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say. 'He called it. What can I do?' If there was a kid court of law, it holds up.

Jerry:'Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat.' And the judge would go, 'Did he call it?' 'Well, no, he didn't call it.' Bang. 'He has to call it. Case closed. Objection overruled.'

Jerry:I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting. I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

George:What can you eat? You can't have anything anymore. Look at this. Eggs, out. Coffee, out. French fries, out. BLT, out.

George:I'm so sick about losing that choose. You don't know. I... All right. Forget it. Forget it. I'm not taking the place.

Jerry · George:How can I live there? — Why not? — You're still thinking about it. — I'll never feel comfortable. — Oh, get out of here. — How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. — I won't mope. — You're already moping.

Jerry · Elaine:What apartment? — Oh, it's a great place. It's a two-bedroom, West 83rd, half-block from the park. — What's the rent?

George:I hate housewarmings. What are we doing here? This is ridiculous.

Jerry · George · Carol · Larry:Housewarming party: Jerry and George arrive to find Carol and Larry thriving — barbecuing, losing weight, masseuse next door.

George:I can't believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul and I threw out my couch.

Jerry · George:If only the coin hadn't hit the table. — The table is interference, you know it. — It is not. — It is too.

Elaine:My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carousel.

Carol:Diane gave me the greatest back rub today. She's a masseuse.

George:We're aware of the proximity to the park.

Jerry:How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe buying a new TV and smashing it over my head.

Jerry · George:So I get a call from Gilmore this morning. They're restructuring the organization in Atlanta. I gotta be there on the 1st. — Really? What about your apartment? — What can I do? I'll give it up. — What's the rent?