The Stake Out

Jerry:The profound answer is simply 'being out'

Jerry:So you're telling me you're 'out'? Like you're in the Federal Witness Protection Program?

George:What? No!

Jerry:Because that's what it sounds like. You're 'out.' You're in hiding. The Feds know about you.

Jerry:You ever notice how much effort it takes to go out? You gotta get dressed, you gotta find your keys, you gotta decide where you're going... And then the moment you get there, all you can think about is going back home.

Jerry:You look like you live with your mother

Jerry:You know, we treat a missing button like it's Watergate. We investigate it like the government. 'Where's the button? Who took it? When did you last see it?' It's a button! It's not classified information!

George:I don't understand decaf. If I'm going to drink coffee, I want the real thing. But I also don't want to be up all night. So what am I supposed to do?

Jerry:You could just drink decaf.

George:But how do I know it's really decaf? What if the restaurant just tells me it's decaf and it's not? What if they switched the canisters? I'd be drinking regular coffee thinking it's decaf, and then I'd be up all night wondering if it was decaf or regular.

Jerry:So taste it.

George:Taste it? How can you tell by tasting? It tastes like coffee!

George:This is challenging work. They can't just call it what it is.

Jerry:You know what your problem is? You're a man without a filter. Caffeine just speeds up the process. It's like putting a supercharger on a lawnmower.

Jerry:Obviously much better than talking to George.

Jerry:I'm telling you, nothing happened. We just sat there. And I'm like, this is great!

George:So she's keeping me as a backup option? That's what I am? A backup option? I'm not a backup option, I'm a... a contingency plan. No wait, I'm worse than that. I'm a last resort. Actually, I'm not even a last resort, I'm a 'if literally everyone else dies' option. I'm a post-apocalyptic choice!

George:You know, I've been thinking about my relationship with Susan. I think we need to have a serious talk about where this is going.

Jerry:Yeah, well, did you see that button that fell off my shirt earlier? I mean, that's a real problem.

George:Claire, you're a woman, right?

Claire:No, George, I'm a fire truck.

George · Jerry · Claire:Now, a woman calls me, right? She says she has to... come to New York on business... / You're beautiful. / And maybe... she'll see me when she gets in. Does this woman intend to spend time with me? / I'd have to say no.

Jerry · Claire · George:So why did she call? / Be polite. / To be polite. / I rest my case. / Good, good. Did you have fun?

George:I overdried them! They're gonna fall apart. The fibers are gonna disintegrate.

Jerry:George, they're not gonna disintegrate.

George:Yes they will! It's like when you shoot somebody. First they're alive, then they're dead. There's no in-between!

Jerry:You ever think about what happens in the washing machine? It's like a nightclub in there. All the clothes are dancing around, the hot water's pumping, the soap's playing, and by the end of the cycle, your socks are hooking up with your underwear.

Jerry:You ever think about socks? I mean, they're in there with the underwear, packed in like prisoners. And they're planning their escape. One sock's like, 'You take the left side of the dryer, I'll take the right.' Next thing you know, one of them is gone. Just gone. Where do they go?

Jerry:I have a theory about socks. I think they're escaping.

Jerry:Think about it - you put two socks in the dryer, one sock comes out. Where's the other sock?

Jerry:I think they have an underground network. They're planning their escape.

Jerry:One sock goes in the dryer and the other one's like, 'This is it. This is our chance.'

Jerry:'Go! Run! I'll cover you! I'll stay here and make them think I'm still a pair!'

Jerry:You know what escaped socks do? They become puppets with button eyes.

Jerry:If you have bloodstains, you have bigger problems than laundry

Jerry:You know, it's funny how we prioritize things. A bloodstain? Oh, that's terrible, we need to clean that immediately. But a harpoon wound? Well, let's just leave that for next Tuesday.

Kramer:Hey Jerry, did you see the game last night?

Jerry:No! No, don't tell me. I'm taping it.

Kramer:Oh, okay, okay...

Jerry:I'm gonna watch it tonight. So don't say anything.

Kramer:Not a word.

Jerry:I mean it, Kramer. Nothing. No hints, no gestures, nothing.

Kramer:I got it, I got it.

Jerry:Because if you ruin it for me, I'm gonna be really upset.

Kramer:Your secret's safe with me.

Jerry:Okay, good. See you later.

Kramer:The Knicks lost by three.

Kessler:I need some meat.

Jerry:So go to the store and buy some.

Kessler:The store? Why should I pay for it when I can hunt for it?

Jerry:Hunt for it? Kramer, you live in Manhattan.

Kessler:So? There's animals everywhere.

Jerry:You almost went to a game? Kramer, you never leave the building.

Kramer:That's not true.

Jerry:You live three blocks away and it takes you twenty minutes to get to the coffee shop.

Kramer:I almost became a lawyer.

Jerry:What do you mean you almost became a lawyer?

Kramer:I went to law school for a couple of weeks.

Jerry:My father, he had a very specific moving style. He'd stand there with a cigarette, just directing traffic. 'A little to the left. No, too much. Back it up.' Meanwhile, the cigarette's getting longer and longer, and he's not even acknowledging it's there.

George:Why don't you bring in an extra guy too? You know, balance things out.

George:What do you need, a flag? A big flag that comes down from the ceiling with an arrow on it saying 'You're interested'?

Jerry:I'm telling you, I need to clean this bathroom. It's disgusting.

George:You know what your problem is? You're thinking like a regular person. You gotta think like a rock star.

Jerry:A rock star? What does that have to do with cleaning?

George:Rock stars don't clean. They trash hotel rooms. They live in filth. That's the lifestyle.

Jerry:So you're saying I should just... not clean?

George:Exactly. Embrace it. Next time a woman comes over, you tell her 'This is rock star living, baby.'

Jerry:Dating is like a murder investigation. You're trying to figure out what happened, but everyone's lying. She says 'I'm fine' — that's not fine, that's a confession. You're looking for clues. Did I say something wrong? When did I say it? What was I wearing? It's forensic analysis of your own life.

George:Why does it always have to be a hug? Why can't it just be a handshake? A hug is very uncomfortable. You're squeezing a whole person. Rubbing your face against theirs. It's like you're molding them into your body shape. And what if you're different sizes? Then it's all crooked and awkward. One guy's got his face in the other guy's chest. What is that?

Jerry:You know what I hate? When someone shakes your hand and their palm is all wet. What is that?

George:Nervous sweat.

Jerry:But what does it mean? Are they sick? Are they dying? Why is their hand wet?

George:They're anxious. It means they're anxious about meeting you.

Jerry:Well that makes me anxious. Now I'm shaking hands with someone who's anxious, so I get anxious, and pretty soon we're just two anxious guys with wet hands.

Laura:Guess who?

Jerry:I don't know, who?

Laura:It's me, Laura!

George:You know, that's not really a greeting. That's more of a guessing game masquerading as a greeting.

Jerry:Can I get you something to drink? We have water, coffee, juice...

Laura:Do you have any salad dressing?

Jerry:Salad dressing? No, that's not a beverage.

Laura:How about we go on a five-hour boat ride?

Jerry:A five-hour boat ride? That's not a date, that's a hostage situation.

George · Jerry:Oh, give me it. Let me talk. / No. What's up? / Well, let me talk to her. / I'm always up at this hour.

Jerry:Wait, you're engaged?

Laura:Yes, we got engaged last month.

Jerry:You're engaged? You're engaged!

Jerry:I can't believe you're engaged.

Jerry:I don't understand women. I really don't. I thought I had it figured out, but I don't know anything.

Jerry:You know what a car horn is? It's an admission of failure. It really is. A man honks his horn, he's saying, 'I have no words. I have nothing intelligent to say to you, so here's a noise.' That's what that is.

Jerry:You know, it's amazing that we still get women. Because when you think about it, we're really not that good. We're not. We're just not that good. And yet somehow, women still go out with us.

Jerry:It's like we're a company, and women are like a resource that we're trying to get. And we're just incompetent middle managers trying to deploy our staff to get what we want.

Jerry:A woman will say, 'I'm going out with Jerry tonight.' And her friends say, 'Jerry? Why are you going out with him? He can't even remember to call you back.' And she says, 'I know, but I'm going anyway.'

Jerry:That's the only job where you can be completely incompetent and still keep it. You could show up late, you could leave early, you could do nothing while you're there, and the company would still have you on the payroll.

Jerry:You know, I think men are basically a service organization for women. We're like a 24-hour roadside assistance program. You need something moved, you call. You need something killed, you call. You need something honked at, you call.

George:You can't be serious. This is New York City. There must be 11 million decent hotel rooms. What do you need, a flag?

George · Jerry:This is the signal, Jerry. This is the signal. / This is the signal. / Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday? / I think I was affected by the caffeine.

Jerry · George:Hey, he really likes you, George. / Well, that's flattering. / He's getting a drink of water.

George:It's not how to score on spring break. Can we go? I'm double-parked. I'm gonna get a ticket.

George:So what? That's good. / How could that be good? / Because filth is good. What do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lying around the bathroom? You think they have a woman coming over, 'I gotta tidy up'? In these matters, you never do what instincts tell you. Always, always do the opposite.

Jerry · George:This is how you operate? / Yeah, I wish.

Jerry:Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? What a world it would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking. You know, instead I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation.

George · Jerry:If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. Anything in the lip area is good. A hug, definitely good. What if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders touch... the hips are eight feet apart? Brutal.

George · Jerry:Also, a shake is bad. Shake is bad. But what if it's the two-hander? Hand on bottom, hand on top. The warm look in the eyes. / Hand sandwich? / Right. It's open to interpretation. So much depends on the layering... the quality of the wetness in the eyes—

Laura · Jerry:Guess who. / Hey, hey. He... / Hey, hey.

Jerry · George:That was an interesting greeting. Notice that, George? / Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. / That wasn't in the manual.

Laura · Jerry:This place isn't so bad. / Yeah, it kind of motivates me to work on the road.

Jerry:So can I get you anything? Bread, water... salad dressing?

Laura:Never get engaged.

Jerry · Laura:You're engaged? / You know, you really have no idea what it's like until you do it. I'm on this emotional roller coaster. / You're engaged? / You know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of 'we.' It's a very stressful situation. / You're engaged. / Yeah, he's a great guy.

Jerry:I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I admit, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it.

Jerry:Women, they're so subtle. Their little... Everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle. We are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want. What do we want? We want women. That's it.

Jerry:We want women. How do we get them? We don't know about that. We don't know. The next step after that, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far.

Jerry:The car horn honk. Is that the beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car. The woman walks by the front of the car. He honks the... This man is out of ideas.

Jerry:I don't think she likes me. (delivered after miming the car-horn honk)

Jerry:I don't think she likes me.

Jerry:The amazing thing is that we still get women, don't we? I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women? Many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization.

Jerry:Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man... okay, we have a lot of areas to cover... but someone from our staff is on the scene.

Jerry:That's why men get frustrated when we see women reading articles like 'Where to Meet Men.' We're here. We are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.