Generalissimo

Tracy:You know it, Lady Broseph!

Jack:They're former investment bankers who were laid off after that economic crash that Nancy Pelosi caused.

Jack:They've got zero real-world skills, but god, they work hard.

Liz:Soap and spanish magazines? What, are you expecting a visit from the...

Liz:None of this is mine. I live in 3-B, this is 13-B. You know what, I'm gonna say it. Women should not deliver the mail.

Liz:He's a pediatrician, so you know he likes kids. Or feet. No, kids.

Liz:And he has a golf magazine, so you know he's not gay or poor.

unnamed character (possibly Pete or Cerie):That's a federal offense! And you already have 2 strikes.

Tour guide:Only the special tours get to see Conan without his wig.

Jack · Elisa:Is it because I'm white? I've had white boyfriends. Black, Cuban... Brazilian guys with German heritage...

Jack:He looks exactly like me. [Beat — Jack stares at the TV]

Elisa:He does look like you. [Another pause — Elisa also stares]

Brian (intern) · Tracy:'This honky grandma be trippin'.' When I quote lines from your movie, that's not racist?

Tracy:You shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition at. But yeah, I'm in.

Liz:He has an ice cream maker? Come on! Don't be weird-looking.

Oswald:I live in the basement, so I have all the nails.

Drew:Sorry, I smell like frosting. I just love to bake.

Liz:I want to go to there.

Liz:Boy, I hope those two don't eventually have a showdown that pits family against justice.

Elisa:As a child, my grandmother worked in a silver mine without proper ventilation. Now, her mind is squishy like a hacky sack.

Elisa:Even though sometimes she comes at me with a knife because of a silver frenzy.

Liz:Told him his haircut was exactly what I've been trying to describe to my barber.

Liz:He went to medical school at Columbia, all kinds of charity baloney... He gets all of the movie channels, including Starz.

Liz:He trains seeing eye dogs at home.

unnamed character (Pete/writer):That's no good for you. You're allergic to dogs. Guess I'll have to step in then.

unnamed TGS writer:He pulled an uncle Harland Parcell last night. Minus the wistful jug blowing.

Tracy:Have you ever tasted Scotch? It's terrible! And this thing they call 'box seats at the Rangers game,' it's so cold!

Tracy · unnamed writer:And what is Rohypnol? / Those are roofies! / So I shouldn't have taken two of them for my headache?

Tracy · Brian:There he is! Tonight, shooters at Blockheads, lay a base, meet up with my bro-hams at Cornell club? You know it, Bri-man! A'ight! / I have no idea what either one of us just said.

Tracy:Here come the roofies. You can do whatever you want to me.

Jack (or writer) · Elisa:What? Come on, you're a nurse? Some of us are hot.

Jack:He just blew up that kid!

Elisa:Metrocards are a real thing. You use them on the subway.

Elisa · Jack:Isn't that romantic? / Now, all I have to do is kill off the Generalissimo, and clear a path to Elisa's abuela.

Jack · Liz:He stole that girl's love letters and opened them. / Opened her mail? That is just shocking. He's a monster. / Or he has a really good reason to do it.

Liz · Jack:And how did he use her mail to do that, exactly? / He read her most intimate secrets, and turned himself into that which she desired.

Drew · Liz:My dog ran away! / Let me get my coat.

Liz:The funny thing is this is what I love about him.

Drew:I'm actually on the board of the Pediatric Restless Leg Syndrome Association. I forgot I even had this on. I have so many charity t-shirts.

Tracy:Shoot it, dog! I'm going to! I'm Tracy Jordan. Why would I be afraid of fire next to my mouth?

Hector Moreda (as Generalissimo) · Jack · Elisa:'And now, this potion's gonna make me live forever.' / What's happening? / El Generalissimo was supposed to die!

Jack:Morena has gone broken arrow. We really should have had somebody on the set who speaks Spanish.

Hector Moreda:This role has made me rich, famous and respected. I get to cut the line at Disneyland, if I come mid-week.

Hector Moreda:I have a lucrative endorsement deal with Sabor de Soledad!

Jack:Play ball, or you'll be back doing R-rated hypnotism at bull fights so fast, you won't know what hit you.

Jack · Hector:I see that we are not so different, you and I. / We laugh alike. / We think alike. / At times, we even drink alike.

Hector:You can lose your mind!

Hector:I am super gay, and I would totally switch for her. She's amazing.

Hector · Jack:El Generalissimo does not have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him. / But that's impossible. / Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo.

Hector:I will become everything that old hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.

Hector · Jack:Like Julie Harris in The Belle of Amherst. / You are surprisingly gay.

Jack · Liz:So did you ever find Buster? / What did you not understand? That picture is from a dog food ad.

unnamed writer · Elisa:Are you an actress? / I'm a nurse. / Good. Don't listen to anyone who says you should become an actress.

Elisa:The Generalissimo tricked her to the villa by inviting her to a fancy party. But when she got there, it was just the two of them. He drugged her champagne and had his way with her. Later, she gave birth to the devil. You know, sweeps week.

Liz · unnamed writer (possibly Frank):That's what I could do to Drew. / Drug him? Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Elisa · Liz:El Generalissimo was once a good man. But the years of loneliness drove him insane. / I am not the Generalissimo.

unnamed writer:I called my uncle Harland, and I got his hangover cure. 'Mix two cups boiled possum meat with one messload ragweed, stir in alcohol...'

Tracy:It's like I said in my not-hit comedy Cruise Boat, 'I'm getting too old for this ship.'

Tracy:Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?

assistant · Tracy:That would be terrible. / You leave him alone!

Liz:The party's tomorrow night. Tonight, I'm just hanging out, eating fondue by candlelight. But come in, I was just opening a bottle of wine to drink alone.

Drew:I guess one glass couldn't hurt.

Liz:Buster, you wang! Let's get you back in your special kitchen cabinet.

Drew:Man, that dog is giving me a headache. I have some aspirin in my white bag there if you need any.

Liz · Drew:You've been roofied! / You did what? / Not me. The pills!

Drew · Liz:Is this my mail? / You're not thinking clearly. / Why is it all open?

Drew · Liz:That's not your dog. / I can explain. Just relax.

Liz · Drew:I am the Generalissimo! / I don't know what that means.

Elisa:Abuela made you breaded calf's brains.

Grandmother (via Elisa translating):What are you going to do about the NBC news? It's too sad.

Jack:I'll look into it... abuela.

Liz · Drew:Monty Python, Live at the Hollywood Bowl. Classic. / Membership in the Cheese of the Month Club, and the Steak of the Month Club, and a copy of Vegetarian Times. / I'm a flip-flopper.

Liz:Also a response to your complaint about bad grammar in subway ads. The word 'whom' deserves a defender.

Liz Lemon:I know that I lied to you, and I accidentally roofied you, but... weirder things have happened, right?

Drew:I'm just saying that based on your mail, I actually would have wanted to meet this Elizabeth Lemon in 3-B.

Liz:I know that I lied to you, and I accidentally roofied you, but... weirder things have happened, right?

Drew · Tracy · news anchor · reporter:Isn't that Tracy Jordan? / The Lehman Brothers investment bank will reopen under the direction of comedian Tracy Jordan. / I'm doing this so no one will know I'm getting old. / But you just told us you're old. / This interview is over.

Drew:I guess weirder things have happened.

news anchor:And now to lighten things up, some pictures of beautiful latin babies, and the music of Tito Puente.

Liz · Jack:Jack this is ridiculous. / It's a date.