Liz insists that she and Drew have their first official date on Valentine's Day. Elisa brings Jack to church to celebrate the day, which is very different from the way he traditionally celebrates. Kenneth employs the help of Tracy to try to win the affection of a new worker.
Valentine's episode sustains 82-point pace with 48 jokes across character comedy and wordplay.
Directed by Don Scardino · Written by Jack Burditt, Tina Fey
WAR
119.7
Wins Above Replacement
“St. Valentines Day” ranks #100 of 138 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 95.9 — Elite. The episode packs 77 scored jokes at 3.9 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Jack Donaghy landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Kenneth: That you're the sweetest... prettiest, blindest girl I've ever met. And when I'm with you, my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt right before it dies.
Kenneth Character Comedy Absurdist Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: Can you imagine anything better? / I don't know. Have you ever put a donut in the microwave?
Jack Donaghy: I hit my mother with a car... possibly by accident.
Jack Donaghy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: Don't tell me you're one of those convenient Catholics that only goes to church every Sunday.
Jack Donaghy: And... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. / It feels good to say that out loud, actually. / That one was weighing on me.
Jack Donaghy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 77 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Drew Baird: Good morning, Regular Person Lemon.
Drew Baird Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Liz Lemon: Saturday is Valentine's Day? Norts!
Drew Baird: You sound so sexy when you say that. Say it again.
Drew Baird Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy · Elisa: The McFlurry metaphor — 'Some would say that describes us. Who would say such a crazy thing?' / 'We are us. The world's greatest dessert.'
Jack Donaghy: Actually, the world's greatest dessert is served in a restaurant right here in New York called Plunder. It costs $1,000.
Jack Donaghy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy: Don't tell me you're one of those convenient Catholics that only goes to church every Sunday.
Kenneth: Do I? I wouldn't have this job if it weren't for the mouth on my back.
Kenneth Absurdist Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Tracy Jordan: Yeah, I'm supposed to supervise some blind chick they hired to edit the reruns. But three of the dancers just found out they're all dating the same guy, so I'm going to go watch that.
Jennifer (blind woman): All my friends warned me about the big city. But, look. Right away, I meet a gentleman.
Jennifer (blind woman): Is everything okay? Because now, I smell burnt plastic.
Jack Donaghy: What is this, a green card thing? ... Closet case? ... Slut buster? ... Bundy-esque serial killer?
Liz Lemon: people in love and rings hidden in pastries... Ugh.
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: Nice? You mean, like, stew? / I certainly do not mean stew.
Jack Donaghy: If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking God, too.
Jack Donaghy: Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream in a pool of cognac drizzled in the world's most expensive chocolate — Amedei Porceleana — covered with shaved white, black and clear truffles and topped with edible 25-karat gold leaf.
Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: Can you imagine anything better? / I don't know. Have you ever put a donut in the microwave?
Tracy Jordan: NBC? Blah, blah, blah. Thank you. / Ken, you need to snap out of it and ask out that sexy Ms. Magoo.
Tracy Jordan: I saw it when I met Angie. I saw it the first time Dotcom laid eyes on Grizz's fiancee.
Tracy Jordan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Kenneth: There is something about Jennifer that just makes me all carsick inside.
Jennifer (blind woman): Oh! It's you again. I can tell.
Kenneth: Well, cotton and fiddles.
Kenneth: You may call me Kenneth the page because that is who I am.
Kenneth Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jennifer (blind woman): Yes, indeedy corncobs?
Jennifer (blind woman): ...except for looking at that eclipse.
Kenneth: It's a Valentine's date-li-doo!
Drew Baird · Liz Lemon: That was really good stew. / Thank you. It's my own recipe where I use cheddar cheese instead of water.
Drew Baird: Yeah, you still have that rotting jack-o-lantern in the hallway, so I feel like you don't have a great sense of what month it is.
Liz Lemon: Well, it's just gotten so small that I kind of want to see if it disappears.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Drew Baird: I feel like I should do the right thing here and tell you that your breast has fallen out of your blouse and I can see all of it.
Drew Baird Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Liz Lemon · Drew Baird: Okay. Well, I guess we just... jumped ahead to date four. / It's not the good one, either.
Jack Donaghy: Jonathan... our Jonathan, who art in the office / hallowed be my reservation. / If you are able... / hold my table / at Plunder / as we will not be there by seven. / Have them delay our heavenly dessert / and forgive us our lateness...
Liz Lemon: Oh, cheese stew. What was I thinking?
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Callback Reaction Beat Callback Drew Baird · Liz Lemon: I think your brownies are burning. You want me to take them out? / Oh, yes, please, um, but whatever you do don't open that kitchen window. / No! / Oh! Too soon!
Drew Baird · Liz Lemon: So, we skipped from date four to date... 20. / No, date never! I would never let that happen. / Liz, it's okay. I'm a doctor. I've seen much worse. / Really? / I'm just kidding. That was pretty bad.
Drew Baird · Liz Lemon: Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry. I have to get this. Hello? Mandy... / Mandy? Is that, like, a guy friend, like Mandy Patinkin?
Drew Baird: You will see her. You will say she's cute. But let me just say that she is... complicated.
Drew Baird Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Misdirection Bethany: Mom's keying your car.
Bethany Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Bethany · Drew Baird: Why don't you ever trust me? / Because, honey, you keep setting fire to things.
Priest: And now, a prayer for the pregnant members of our congregation: Anita Alvarez, Anna Alvarez, Annabelle Alvarez...
Priest Setup/Punchline Escalation Character Comedy Jack Donaghy: Honey, this is a Catholic church. We'll be here until morning.
Jack Donaghy · Priest: Okay, here's how this is going to go. We're going to sit here in silence for about three minutes. Then, I'm going to take my girlfriend to Plunder where the Pope himself could not get a table. / You sound troubled, my son. / Can it, Father. That was a nice try, though.
Kenneth · Jennifer: Man, can you believe we're working on Valentine's night? My fiancee is gonna be upset. Not to worry, I sent her flowers and a beautiful card. You're the best. Don't you have faith?
Jack Donaghy: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion.
Jack Donaghy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy · Priest: You want to have an intellectual argument? Fine. But I should warn you I went to Princeton. / I went to Harvard Divinity School. / You Crimson guys never miss a chance, do you?
Jack Donaghy: I hit my mother with a car... possibly by accident.
Jack Donaghy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. / I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange.
Jack Donaghy: I once claimed I am God during a deposition.
Jack Donaghy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Absurdist ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: And... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. / It feels good to say that out loud, actually. / That one was weighing on me.
Jack Donaghy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Priest · Jack Donaghy: Then what brought you here tonight? / What brought me here? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges? Why are there jets? / I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Jack Donaghy · Priest: Have you ever made love to a woman, Father? / Come on, man. / Imagine cradling your face into the curve of a velvety-soft neck / your hands cupping the warm heft of the greatest pair of... / I need backup! Harvard did not prepare me for this.
Bethany: I like your bracelets. Girls in my school get them for doing different things on the bus. Blue is for showing your boobs. Purple is for doing stuff over your clothes. Black is for doing stuff...
Bethany Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Drew Baird: Whoa. Wow, Liz, did you kill the whole bottle?
Bethany: That's my aunt. She is not going to like you.
Bethany Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Kenneth: Not just any entertainment — the best singer in the world... Michael McDonald.
Kenneth Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Setup/Punchline Kenneth: Wow, he does not sound good live.
Kenneth Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Elisa: You tortured that poor priest. / You want an intellectual argument? Fine. But I should warn you I went to Princeton. [callback to earlier confession scene]
Elisa Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Jack Donaghy · Elisa: No. / But I saw your photo with the Pope. / That's just good business. I have photos with a lot of people — The Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yossef, Toby Keith...
Elisa · Jack Donaghy: You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head. / Well, you have big boobs. / Which you will never touch again! / This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.
Elisa: How dare you say something like that so close to the statue of Santa Lucia... the patron saint of judgmental statues.
Elisa Absurdist Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Elisa · Jack Donaghy: Go to your stupid restaurant. Eat your gold ice cream. / Please come with me. / No. You blew it, Jack. And now, you will never see the crazy underwears I have on.
Jack Donaghy: Elisa! / What kind of God would let that happen?
Jack Donaghy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Nurse/Hospital Staff: I'm sorry... is this, like, a 'Sixth Sense' thing? Should I bring a place setting for your friend?
Mrs. Baird · Liz Lemon: The woman he thinks is his sister is really his mother. / What? / I'm his grandmother.
Mrs. Baird: You have to tell him or I won't get into Heaven.
Mrs. Baird Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Liz Lemon: Thank you for a truly unbelievable evening.
Kenneth: It doesn't have to end here, y'allsies.
Jennifer · Kenneth · Tracy Jordan: Wait, this isn't right. / Kenneth, why do you suddenly sound white? / I lied to you, Jennifer. I was too scared to talk to you so my sophisticated friend, Tracy said the things that I couldn't.
Kenneth: That you're the sweetest... prettiest, blindest girl I've ever met. And when I'm with you, my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt right before it dies.
Kenneth Character Comedy Absurdist Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jennifer · Kenneth: Can I feel your face? / Yeah. [Kenneth's reaction beat — presumably uncomfortable/delighted]
Jennifer: Oh, look at the time. I forgot I have a... a thing.
Jennifer Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Misdirection ★ Rewatch Tracy Jordan · Jennifer · Tracy Jordan · Jennifer: That is cold, blind lady! / Oh, and by the way... you are not so attractive, yourself. / No, I'm... I'm pretty sure I'm hot. / Yes, you are. I tried.
Drew Baird: Let's do this again sometime... except have it not be anything like this at all.
Drew Baird · Liz Lemon: Uh... Liz? You know, my mom did just die. / Funny story. Hear me out. / I'll have a, uh... ...a McFlurry, please.
Jack Donaghy: And I have a coupon. You know where I found it? In the collection plate. It was a sign.
Jack Donaghy Character Comedy Absurdist Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy: Someone's trying to tell us that we belong together. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's Ray Kroc. Maybe it's the Hamburgler.
Jack Donaghy: Boy, I hope that guy's not planning to kill and eat her.
Jack Donaghy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Elisa: Jack, you're such a romantic.
Elisa Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback 