Elisa Padriera

Elisa:Do you know what kind of clothes old Puerto Rican ladies wear around the house? No. Me neither, because she never wore any.

Elisa:Elisa's grandmother 'never wore any' clothes around the house — revealed as Elisa says 'but family is family'

Jack · Elisa:Jack: 'It's 7:00. Why don't I hear my mother yelling go home to the Asian contestant on Jeopardy?' / Elisa: 'Because she's asleep.' / Jack: 'Really? How did you do that?' / Elisa: 'I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people.'

Elisa:She fought me at first. But I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people.

Jack · Elisa:Jack receives gold shoes from Tracy as a thank-you gift

Elisa:Oh, good God. Oh. Gold shoes. My nephew just joined the Marines to try to pay for college, but... that's fun.

Jack · Elisa:Jack's life philosophy: 'You come in alone. You go out alone.' / Elisa: 'That's the saddest thing I ever heard.' / Jack: 'There's nothing sad about it at all, actually. I have a great life. Tonight, I'm going out with a Fox News correspondent. We'll have some dinner, some laughs, some sex... not necessarily in that order.'

Elisa:Elisa: 'Except that in Puerto Rico, a McFlurry is called a Señor Flurry.'

Elisa:Elisa: 'More embarrassing than your CD collection? I didn't know Michael Bublé had that many albums.'

Jack · Elisa:Jack: 'I found a lump.' Elisa: 'On your testicle? Let me see it.'

Jack · Elisa:Elisa does the medical exam in rapid Puerto Rican Spanish; Jack is subdued and confused: 'What?' / 'You're talking so fast' / 'Is that the subjunctive?'

Jack · Elisa:Elisa performing the medical examination in rapid Spanish — Jack bewildered: 'You're talking so fast. Is that the subjunctive?'

Elisa:Elisa's afterthought: 'And you forgot to put on your underpants.'

Elisa:Elisa: 'Oh, please. Don't try to be Señor Macho Solo. Which is actually what we call a McRib sandwich.'

Elisa:Elisa: 'Oh, I see your confusion! That is funny!' — laughing at Jack's mortal terror over the positive/negative mix-up

Elisa:Elisa watches Jenna sing the terrible knockoff song and says: 'Now, this, I like.'

Elisa · Jack:He's a sweet, old man with advanced dementia. Totally disconnected from reality. Oh, that reminds me. I owe Lou Dobbs a call.

Jack · Elisa:I'm sorry. What do you call yourself? / A Puerto Rican. / No, I know you can say that. But what do I call you? / A Puerto Rican. / Wow. That does not sound right.

Elisa:Of course I do. I've been living in New York for 15 years, and I've never seen a Broadway play, or been in a restaurant without a TV in it. Or had a romantic dinner with a man in a suit.

Jack · Elisa · Mr. Templeton:I had a wonderful time last night. / Yeah, I did, too. / Are you with Mr. Templeton now? / How I envy him. / I wish you would exercise my muscles... ...so they don't atrophy.

Elisa:I'd love to go out... get all dressed up, tip maitre d's, and be all like... 'Thank you, Roger. This table was super-duper.' / I live in the Big Apple. But I spend all my time with the Big Vegetable.

Jack · Elisa:# The night's like a banquet... Give it a try...? # Candlelight, caviar... You and I...? # And Templeton... Mr. Templeton...?

Elisa · Mr. Templeton:Oh! My purse! [Mr. Templeton grabbing Elisa's purse at the theater]

Elisa · Jack:It's Mr. Templeton's son. / I thought you said he didn't have any family. / Not here. He lives in London. But now, God has sent him to punish me for being so bad. / Or maybe it's a business trip.

Elisa:I'd have to go back to working the late shift at Dunkin' Donuts. Oh, the customers are so sad. 'Can I help you?' 'Yes. What time do you start throwing out doughnuts?'

Elisa:Well... he's stable, but vegetative. Totally unaware of his surroundings.

Elisa:You know, sometimes, they watch cartoons, and they think it's real. It's very common.

Jack · Elisa:# Strap your helmet on...?

Jack · Elisa:Is it because I'm white? I've had white boyfriends. Black, Cuban... Brazilian guys with German heritage...

Elisa:He does look like you. [Another pause — Elisa also stares]

Elisa:As a child, my grandmother worked in a silver mine without proper ventilation. Now, her mind is squishy like a hacky sack.

Elisa:Even though sometimes she comes at me with a knife because of a silver frenzy.

Jack (or writer) · Elisa:What? Come on, you're a nurse? Some of us are hot.

Elisa:Metrocards are a real thing. You use them on the subway.

Elisa · Jack:Isn't that romantic? / Now, all I have to do is kill off the Generalissimo, and clear a path to Elisa's abuela.

Hector Moreda (as Generalissimo) · Jack · Elisa:'And now, this potion's gonna make me live forever.' / What's happening? / El Generalissimo was supposed to die!

unnamed writer · Elisa:Are you an actress? / I'm a nurse. / Good. Don't listen to anyone who says you should become an actress.

Elisa:The Generalissimo tricked her to the villa by inviting her to a fancy party. But when she got there, it was just the two of them. He drugged her champagne and had his way with her. Later, she gave birth to the devil. You know, sweeps week.

Elisa · Liz:El Generalissimo was once a good man. But the years of loneliness drove him insane. / I am not the Generalissimo.

Elisa:Abuela made you breaded calf's brains.

Jack Donaghy · Elisa:The McFlurry metaphor — 'Some would say that describes us. Who would say such a crazy thing?' / 'We are us. The world's greatest dessert.'

Elisa:You tortured that poor priest. / You want an intellectual argument? Fine. But I should warn you I went to Princeton. [callback to earlier confession scene]

Jack Donaghy · Elisa:No. / But I saw your photo with the Pope. / That's just good business. I have photos with a lot of people — The Dalai Lama, Rabbi Yossef, Toby Keith...

Elisa · Jack Donaghy:You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head. / Well, you have big boobs. / Which you will never touch again! / This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Elisa:How dare you say something like that so close to the statue of Santa Lucia... the patron saint of judgmental statues.

Elisa · Jack Donaghy:Go to your stupid restaurant. Eat your gold ice cream. / Please come with me. / No. You blew it, Jack. And now, you will never see the crazy underwears I have on.

Elisa:Jack, you're such a romantic.

Elisa:It's a caricature of me on a skateboard.

Jack · Elisa:We're Jack and Elisa — Jalisa. That's really lame, Jack. Yeah, that was just a joke.

Jack · Elisa:I think tonight is going to be a very special night. — If you know what I mean... — I think I do.

Elisa · Jack:Because I'm sick of listening to you. 'Oh, I love you, Elisa.' This was all just another Jack Donaghy lie. Like when you said you could dunk a basketball? — I can, on a regulation hoop.

Elisa:No. You'll all just get poor like the rest of us. You'll eat cereal that comes in a bag, and you'll keep the free hand wipes from the casino. You might even have to spend some time with your children.

Elisa:I was about to do the whole run-to-the-airport thing like Ross did on Friends and Liz Lemon did in real life.

Elisa:The taxis want 500 bucks to go to JFK and the buses are worse. Everything's gone cocoa for cuckoo pops!

Jack · Elisa:Let's get married. — Jack! — I love you, Elisa, and I don't wanna be with anyone else. — Okay. But I want a ring so big that it gives me back problems.

Jack · Elisa:Hey, baby. My God. Look at your boobs.

Jack · Elisa · Jeweler:A woman (Elisa) hurls herself at the engagement ring display case and gets her finger caught in a vent — 'She's very spirited... like a show horse.'

Elisa:'My finger is caught in the vent!' — Elisa's line recurring after they've moved on

Tracy · Liz · Elisa:Tracy gives Liz a gift — implied to be something absurd/inappropriate (a Puerto Rican flag or novelty item based on reaction) — then Elisa appears unexpectedly

Elisa:'I haven't spoken English in two menses.'

Liz · Elisa:Liz guesses Elisa's terrible secret: 'Are you a man?' / 'Really? That's your guess? A man?' / 'You want to see me naked?' / 'Sort of.'

Elisa:'I don't think I have the strength to tell it to his head.'

Elisa · Liz:Elisa thanks Liz for doing 'what I cannot' and says 'Good-bye forever, Liz Lemon' — then leaves

Elisa · Jack:Elisa bursts in declaring 'I'm back. Let's get married.' and Jack plans to 'carbo-load for the reunion sex'

Elisa · Liz:Elisa to Liz: 'Now, don't dare say anything about what I told you about my secret.' / Liz: 'I'm not going to because you have to.'

Elisa:'I was married once and I killed my husband.'

Elisa:'You know me, Jack. I'm a Catholic. I take the bonds of marriage very seriously.'

Jack · Elisa:Jack: 'Why aren't you in jail?' / Elisa: 'They threw my case out. I couldn't get an impartial jury after that song about me came out.'

Elisa:The song 'Elisa, Elisa, La Viuda Negra' plays — apparently a real hit

Elisa:Elisa bursts in angry: 'How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?'

Elisa · Liz:Elisa accuses Jack and Liz of a sexual relationship: 'I knew your relationship was too weird not to be sexual!' / Liz: 'Yeah, I mean, come on. Look at me.'

Elisa:Elisa: 'Maybe this is my curse. I love too deeply... And eventually it makes me loco for Choco-Puffs.'

Elisa · Jack:Elisa: 'Is it my English or was that not a great breaking-up speech?' / Jack: 'It was your English. That was quite moving.'

Jack Donaghy · Nancy · Elisa:Nancy: 'What you're proposing is a sin, Jack, but she is wicked hot.' / Elisa: 'It would have to be a conjugal visit because I am in a Puerto Rican jail.'

Jack Donaghy · Nancy · Elisa:Jack's fantasy: 'Nancy, I know this is unconventional, but I think a group relationship could work.' / 'What you're proposing is a sin, Jack, but she is wicked hot.' / 'It would have to be a conjugal visit because I am in a Puerto Rican jail.'