Elisa Padriera

'Do you know what kind of clothes old Puerto Rican ladies wear around the house? No. Me neither, because she never wore any'

'She fought me at first. But I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people'

'My nephew just joined the Marines to try to pay for college, but... that's fun'

'Except that in Puerto Rico, a McFlurry is called a Señor Flurry'

'I didn't know Michael Bublé had that many albums'

'You forgot to put on your underpants'

'Don't try to be Señor Macho Solo'

'Which is actually what we call a McRib sandwich'

Which is actually what we call a 'McRib' sandwich.

Oh. You were not being rude. You were just being stupid.

I once had a very under-cooked fish sandwich at a parade.

Especially those whose grandmothers are addicted to online poker.

Is that a beak? - Yes! - No. Yes!

Thank you, Roger. This table was super-duper.

But I spend all my time with the BigVegetable.

Musical sequence about taking Mr. Templeton out

Oh! My purse!

Oh, the customers are so sad. 'Can I help you?' 'Yes. What time do you start throwing out doughnuts?'

Final musical sequence about Mr. Templeton

I've had white boyfriends. Black, Cuban... Brazilian guys with German heritage...

I get it. You've been with other men. Congratulations. Thank you.

He does look like you.

As a child, my grandmother worked in a silver mine without proper ventilation. Now, her mind is squishy like a hacky sack.

Even though sometimes she comes at me with a knife because of a silver frenzy.

her adorably broken english. Metrocards are a real thing. You use them on the subway.

I translated it, and took out the Star Wars references.

He drugged her champagne and had his way with her.

Later, she gave birth to the devil. You know, sweeps week.

Be very careful. El Generalissimo was once a good man. But the years of loneliness drove him insane.

I found your dog! He lost his collar, but I recognize him from the poster.

These McFlurries are amazing. I know-- the soft swirl of vanilla and the hard crunch of candy and cookies. You'd think they'd fight each other, but no. Together, they are perfecto.

Don't tell me you're one of those convenient Catholics that only goes to church every Sunday.

You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head. Well, you have big boobs.

the patron saint of judgmental statues.

It's a caricature of me on a skateboard.

We're Jack and Elisa - Jalisa. That's really lame, Jack. Yeah, that was just a joke.

I don't wanna go all 'Marc Anthony' on you, but I need to know how you feel.

It smells like dude in here.

You'll eat cereal that comes in a bag, and you'll keep the free hand wipes from the casino.

So am I.

Everything's gone cocoa for cuckoo poops!

But I want a ring so big, that it gives me back problems.

Aww, how do you turn this damn thing off?

Actually, Lemon... three weeks ago.

I'm afraid he's going to want to go through with his 'proposings' at marriage. Sorry. I haven't spoken English in two menses.

Are you a man? / Really? That's your guess? A man?

You want to see me naked? / Sort of.

I don't think I have the strength to tell it to his head.

Now, don't dare say anything about what I told you about my secret. / I'm not going to because you have to.

I was married once and I killed my husband.

They threw my case out. I couldn't get an impartial jury after that song about me came out.

How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?

I knew your relationship was too weird not to be sexual!

And eventually... it makes me loco for Choco-Puffs.

"It would have to be a conjugal visit, because I am in a Puerto Rican jail."