Elisa Padriera

Elisa:'Do you know what kind of clothes old Puerto Rican ladies wear around the house? No. Me neither, because she never wore any'

Elisa:'She fought me at first. But I find that authoritative, rapid Spanish subdues white people'

Elisa:'My nephew just joined the Marines to try to pay for college, but... that's fun'

Elisa:'Except that in Puerto Rico, a McFlurry is called a Señor Flurry'

Elisa:'I didn't know Michael Bublé had that many albums'

Elisa:'You forgot to put on your underpants'

Elisa:'Don't try to be Señor Macho Solo'

Elisa:'Which is actually what we call a McRib sandwich'

Elisa:Which is actually what we call a 'McRib' sandwich.

Elisa:Oh. You were not being rude. You were just being stupid.

Elisa:I once had a very under-cooked fish sandwich at a parade.

Elisa:Especially those whose grandmothers are addicted to online poker.

Jack · Elisa · Mr. Templeton:Is that a beak? - Yes! - No. Yes!

Elisa:Thank you, Roger. This table was super-duper.

Elisa:But I spend all my time with the BigVegetable.

Jack · Elisa:Musical sequence about taking Mr. Templeton out

Elisa:Oh! My purse!

Elisa:Oh, the customers are so sad. 'Can I help you?' 'Yes. What time do you start throwing out doughnuts?'

Jack · Elisa:Final musical sequence about Mr. Templeton

Elisa:I've had white boyfriends. Black, Cuban... Brazilian guys with German heritage...

Jack · Elisa:I get it. You've been with other men. Congratulations. Thank you.

Elisa:He does look like you.

Elisa:As a child, my grandmother worked in a silver mine without proper ventilation. Now, her mind is squishy like a hacky sack.

Elisa:Even though sometimes she comes at me with a knife because of a silver frenzy.

Jack · Elisa:her adorably broken english. Metrocards are a real thing. You use them on the subway.

Elisa:I translated it, and took out the Star Wars references.

Elisa:He drugged her champagne and had his way with her.

Elisa:Later, she gave birth to the devil. You know, sweeps week.

Elisa:Be very careful. El Generalissimo was once a good man. But the years of loneliness drove him insane.

Elisa:I found your dog! He lost his collar, but I recognize him from the poster.

Jack · Elisa:These McFlurries are amazing. I know-- the soft swirl of vanilla and the hard crunch of candy and cookies. You'd think they'd fight each other, but no. Together, they are perfecto.

Elisa:Don't tell me you're one of those convenient Catholics that only goes to church every Sunday.

Elisa · Jack:You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head. Well, you have big boobs.

Elisa:the patron saint of judgmental statues.

Elisa:It's a caricature of me on a skateboard.

Jack · Elisa:We're Jack and Elisa - Jalisa. That's really lame, Jack. Yeah, that was just a joke.

Elisa:I don't wanna go all 'Marc Anthony' on you, but I need to know how you feel.

Elisa:It smells like dude in here.

Elisa:You'll eat cereal that comes in a bag, and you'll keep the free hand wipes from the casino.

Elisa:So am I.

Elisa:Everything's gone cocoa for cuckoo poops!

Elisa:But I want a ring so big, that it gives me back problems.

Elisa:Aww, how do you turn this damn thing off?

Elisa:Actually, Lemon... three weeks ago.

Elisa:I'm afraid he's going to want to go through with his 'proposings' at marriage. Sorry. I haven't spoken English in two menses.

Liz · Elisa:Are you a man? / Really? That's your guess? A man?

Elisa · Liz:You want to see me naked? / Sort of.

Elisa:I don't think I have the strength to tell it to his head.

Elisa · Liz:Now, don't dare say anything about what I told you about my secret. / I'm not going to because you have to.

Elisa:I was married once and I killed my husband.

Elisa:They threw my case out. I couldn't get an impartial jury after that song about me came out.

Elisa:How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?

Elisa:I knew your relationship was too weird not to be sexual!

Elisa:And eventually... it makes me loco for Choco-Puffs.

Elisa:"It would have to be a conjugal visit, because I am in a Puerto Rican jail."