The Blood

Frank Costanza:He was only 96! He was too young to die!

Frank Costanza:If only he'd been in better shape. He was completely out of shape!

Jerry's mother:We have a very intensive fitness program. Every morning, we walk one block and we eat a plum.

Frank Costanza:We're in perfect health. You're the one who looks terrible.

Estelle Costanza:You've gained weight, haven't you?

Frank Costanza:I'm doing the program.

Jerry:What program?

Frank Costanza:The program. You know, the program. I carry a brick around with me all day for exercise.

Kramer:I'm not giving blood. I'm saving it. You never know when you're gonna need it.

Kramer:I need to have blood reserves on standby. You never know when you're gonna need it.

Kramer:I get into a lot of scrapes.

Elaine:You know, you should see him before he changes. He's getting all lurchy and awkward.

Vivian:Do you know anyone responsible?

Elaine:Well, I'm very responsible.

Vivian:No, I mean someone else.

Jerry:Oh yeah, the incense. That's gonna do it. Women love a man who smells like a burning pine tree.

George:It sets the mood.

Jerry:The mood? George, you could light a blowtorch in here and the only mood you'd set is 'evacuation.'

Elaine:I'm not responsible? I'm very responsible!

George:I had to leave. The vanilla incense, it was making me crazy. All I could think about was food.

Jerry:Vanilla incense made you hungry?

George:I couldn't help it! My stomach was growling so loud she could hear it. I had to get out of there.

George:My car broke down and I had to take the bus. I got on the wrong bus and ended up in Queens. Then I had to transfer twice to get back to Manhattan.

George:Am I getting fat?

Jerry:We?

George:I like the skin on the pudding.

Jerry:The skin? Who eats the skin?

George:I do. It's the best part.

Jerry:George, there's a whole layer of skin on top of pudding? That's disgusting.

George:It's not disgusting, it's delicious. It's like pudding skin.

Jerry:Well, you would know about skin. You've got plenty of your own.

Kramer:They're charging me a storage fee? A storage fee! For my own blood?

Kramer:You know what? That's it. I'm withdrawing all my blood. I'm keeping it at home, in the freezer, right next to my money.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:Besides, I'm gonna tell her it's like in Casablanca - we'll always have Paris.

George:Wait, no - like Ghostbusters. If someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!

Jerry:So what happened with the pastrami?

George:It didn't work out.

Jerry:Why not?

George:I don't know, it just... it wasn't right.

Jerry:You know, pastrami is a very sensual food. You don't just eat pastrami, you experience it. There's a give and take. A rhythm. It's not a commitment, it's a dance.

George:What's wrong with combining food and sex? They're both fun.

Jerry:Because it's wrong! Food is food, sex is sex. They have their own separate categories. You don't mix them.

Jerry:What is this?

George:Pudding skins. I peeled them off the top of puddings and packaged them individually.

Jerry:You're selling pudding skins?

George:They're a delicacy in some countries.

Kramer:You know, when you're a fat guy, you're expected to be jolly.

Jerry:I'm way more responsible than you, Elaine. I have my life together.

Elaine:Oh please, Jerry.

Jerry:No, it's true. I make smart decisions. I think things through.

Jerry:Alright, I'm gonna go try to teach my neighbor's parrot to say dirty words.

Jerry:I can babysit. I'm very responsible. I've got a system.

Kramer:What system?

Jerry:Well, first I establish dominance. Then I create a strict regimen of activities and bedtimes. The child will respect authority.

Kramer:It's a baby, Jerry.

Jerry:Exactly. Start them young. By the time they're five, they'll be the most disciplined child in the neighborhood. Their parents will be thanking me.

George:You're gonna compete with a toddler?

Jerry:I'm gonna crush them.

Jimmy:Pew pew pew! You're dead! You're dead! You're all dead!

Jerry:Yeah, this is gonna be a long afternoon.

Vivian:So how was babysitting?

Elaine:Oh, it was great! Really great. The kids were so well-behaved, and we had so much fun. I'd definitely do it again.

Vivian:Really?

Elaine:No, it was horrible. They were like little monsters.

Jerry:I now have Kramer's blood inside me.

Kramer:Yeah, and you're gonna like it.

Jerry:What are you doing? You're bleeding all over my apartment!

Kramer:It's just a little blood, Jerry.

Jerry:Just a little blood? Do you have any idea what's going through my head right now? I'm picturing your blood just... just hanging around, being inconsiderate, tracking dirt everywhere, making weird observations about nothing!

George:It's like a whole new thing. I'm a new man. I'm out there, I'm doing it all. I'm combining things.

George:Food and sex, together. It's the best of both worlds.

George:I'll have the tuna on toast and a little... you know.

Elaine:What if something happens to me? I'd be responsible for Vivian.

Elaine:She could fall down the stairs. Or get hit by a bus. Or choke on a grape.

Elaine:What if a chandelier falls on her? What if she's struck by lightning while holding a wet newspaper?

Elaine:What if she gets tangled in the shower curtain and drowns in three inches of water while a monkey throws coconuts at her head?

Kramer:You won't help me? After all I've done for you? We're supposed to be like blood brothers!

Jerry:We are not blood brothers.

Kramer:Well, we should be.

Kramer:I gave blood today.

Jerry:That's great, Kramer.

Kramer:Yeah, well, now I feel terrible about it.

Jerry:Why? You're helping people.

Kramer:Am I? Or am I just a patsy in some sick organ-harvesting scheme? They could be taking my spleen right now!

Jerry:They only take blood, Kramer.

Kramer:That's what they want you to think. Next thing you know, I'm waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a note that says 'Call 911.'

Frank Costanza:You're not eating right. You need to do what I do.

Jerry:What's that, Dad?

Frank Costanza:The Bizzaro thing. It's the opposite of everything I normally do.

Jerry:So you're telling me if I do the opposite of what you do, I'll be healthy?

Frank Costanza:It works for me!

Mr. Mandelbaum:These young punks, they don't know what real strength is. I could bench press any of 'em into next Tuesday.

Mr. Mandelbaum:You think those gym rats are tough? I'll take 'em all on. I got more power in my pinky than they got in their whole body.

Elaine:So I'm babysitting Jimmy, right? And he's like, 'Can we go to the roof?' I'm like, 'Sure, why not?' So we go up there, and he's running around near the edge, and I'm just sitting there eating a sandwich. He almost falls off like three times, but I figure, you know, natural selection.

Trainer:You're lifting like a girl. Here, let me show you how a man does it.

Mr. Mandelbaum:These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Mr. Mandelbaum:Let's go to the gym!

George:It's not you, it's me. I'm just going through some things right now.

Mr. Mandelbaum:What are you doing with those sausages?

Jerry:I was just... they're for later.

Mr. Mandelbaum:Sausages? You call yourself a man? From now on, you're Sausage Boy!

Jerry · Elaine:It's blood, isn't it? / This is tomato juice. Look. / Oh, you're sick. You're sick.

Jerry:You know what you are? You're a two-face.

George:What do you mean?

Jerry:You're a different person depending on who you're with. With me, you're one way. With your parents, you're another way. With a girl, you're a completely different person.

George:So what? Everybody's like that.

Jerry:No, no. Most people have an internal consistency. You don't have any internal consistency whatsoever.

Elaine:I can't see Jimmy anymore.

Jerry:Why not?

Elaine:He did something terrible. I have to break up with him.

Jerry:So just tell him.

Elaine:I can't do it face to face. I'll do it over the phone.

Jerry:That's a bush league move, Elaine.

Elaine:I know, but I have to do it.

Jerry:You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. This is minor league stuff.

Elaine:I don't care. It's happening.

Jerry:You know what? This is the big leagues now. You've gone triple-A. You're in the World Series of bad behavior.

George:I'm involved with several charities. I sit on boards. Important boards.

Elaine:George, you don't sit on any boards.

George:Well, I would, but I'm too busy with my other commitments. The charities understand. They're very accommodating.

Elaine · Vivian:Oh, he's a-- He's a joy. / Really? Some sitters have told me he's a bit of a handful. / Oh, handful of sunshine.

Mr. Mandelbaum:You ate the sausages! Now you do the penalty!

Jerry:Wait, what penalty?

Mr. Mandelbaum:You gotta work off those sausages! Drop and give me twenty!

Jerry:Twenty?! I thought you meant I had to give back the sausages!

Jerry:He's dragging me by my arm like I'm a suitcase at the airport.

Jerry:Who gave me blood?

Newman:I did.

Jerry:You?

Newman:Type O negative. The universal donor.

Jerry:Three pints of Kramer's blood? / I can feel his blood inside of me. / Borrowing things from my blood.

Jerry:Well, so much for purification week.

Jerry:So how's the fornicating gourmet?

George:Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft-boiled egg and a quickie.

George · Jerry:You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate. / George, we're trying to have a civilization here.

Elaine · Jerry:Scissor mishap, air show disaster, Chinese organ thieves. / It's a dangerous world.

Kramer:Look at this. Look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all brambly. See? It's like a thicket back there.

Kramer:And disappointed, blood brother.

Kramer:Would you like a kidney too? Because I'll give it to you. I'll rip it out right here and smack it on the table.

Jerry's Mother:Tell him to eat a plum.

Jerry's Father · Jerry's Mother:Jerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought you some sessions with a personal trainer.

Kramer:I'm taping Canadian parliament, you know, on C-SPAN.

Kramer:Is it all right if I watch in your bedroom? Because your bed is nice.

Jerry · Kramer:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, I do not want that in here. / Blood? / All right.

Mr. Mandelbaum · Jerry:Hello, doughboy. / Mr. Mandelbaum, you're the personal trainer? / I'm here to whip you into shape. So grab your jock if you need one.

Mr. Mandelbaum:It's go time.

Elaine:And then he put this plastic bag over his head and started running around until he got tired, and he laid down somewhere.

Elaine:It's probably why I can't hold a job or keep a man.

Mr. Mandelbaum:Drop your purse, honey, and pick up that medicine ball.

Jerry:Is this a gym or some kind of fitness museum?

Mr. Mandelbaum:All aboard the pain train.

Jerry · Mr. Mandelbaum:How many sessions did my parents pay for? / Not enough to make a man of you, daffodil.

George · Tara:Spicy mustard. [George uses mustard during lovemaking]

Tara · Kramer:What are you doing? / Pleasuring you. [Kramer and Newman are making sausages in Jerry's apartment]

Tara · Kramer:What is this? / We're making sausages.

Jerry:Blood over there, sausage over here. I'm living in a slaughterhouse.

Mr. Mandelbaum · Jerry:Tonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. / What in holy hell.

Mr. Mandelbaum · Jerry · Mr. Mandelbaum:Sausages. / Is this your diet? / No, they're not mine-- / Don't lie to me, butterbean. We're taking it up a notch.

Jerry · George:So the free love buffet is over? / I got greedy. I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.

Jerry:I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum. He's probably gonna make me box a kangaroo.

George · Jerry:This sandwich is making me flush. / Oh, no. I'll tell you what you did, Caligula. You've combined food and sex into one disgusting, uncontrollable urge.

Jerry:You've combined food and sex into one disgusting, uncontrollable urge.

George · Jerry:Are you gonna eat that? / No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it.

Elaine:Jerry, I tell you, if this woman dies, it is gonna be a major inconvenience.

Elaine:Jerry, I tell you, if this woman dies, it is gonna be a major inconvenience.

Elaine · George · Jerry:Sleepy. / I mean, no matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid. / Sleepy here's quite a weasel. Maybe he can bat for you. / Yeah. That's what I need. A pinch weasel.

Kramer:Well, Newman's not happy. He booted me out of his freezer.

Jerry · Kramer:All right, but this is the last favor. Okay? We're even. / All right. Even-Steven, okay? / Oh, by the way, when you get back to your apartment, keep it down because Newman's taking a nap in your bed.

Kramer:'If the engine begins to overheat, turn off air conditioner.' / Never. I can't do that.

Elaine · Vivian · George:This is my friend, George. / I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy. / You're up.

George · Vivian:It's a pity we won't be seeing much more of her. / Really? Why? / You haven't heard? No, she's going to live with her grandparents in Pennsylvania. / Her grandparents passed away five years ago. / Yes, they did.

George · Vivian:I was covering. / Elaine has been deported back to Scotland. / She's an American citizen. I've seen her passport.

George · Vivian:All right, no more lies. Elaine has been chosen to represent the Upper West Side in the next Biosphere project. / I haven't heard anything about another Biosphere. / That's because it's underwater.

Vivian · George:You are very knowledgeable. / I'm-- I'm also an architect.

Vivian · George:Is that pastrami? / Yes, it is. / I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted-cured meats. / Hungry? / Very.

Mr. Mandelbaum · Jerry · Mr. Mandelbaum Jr. · Mr. Mandelbaum:Vivian! / Is this really necessary? / If you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a piece of meat. / What if I can't keep up? / You lag, you drag. / Fire it up, son. / Mandelbaum. Mandelbaum.

Tara · Jerry:There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something on my feet. / Yeah. Some kind of red liquid. / Oh, my God. The blood.

Elaine · Jerry:So how far did they drag you? / Well, for the first quarter-mile they thought I was just dogging it.

Jerry · George:What's the kid doing here? / I'm babysitting. / Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it.

Jerry · Kramer:You put blood in the car? / Jerry, it was overheating. / You should take better care of that thing.

Jerry · Kramer:You put blood in the car? / Jerry, it was overheating. / You should take better care of that thing.

Jerry · Kramer:Well, they told me I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again. / You didn't get the blood from me. / Then who?

Jerry · Kramer · Newman:Well, they told me I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again. / You didn't get the blood from me. / Then who? / Hello, Jerry.