The Keys

Jerry:I bought something from an infomercial. I did. I actually did it. I bought something from an infomercial. I can't believe I did it. I bought something from an infomercial.

Jerry:Hello, I'd like to order the Ginsu knife.

Operator:Sir, are you sure?

Jerry:Yes, I'm sure.

Operator:We've never actually sold one of these before.

Jerry:If a knife needs to cut through anything, what does that say about the meat?

Jerry:You know what they call the worst cut of meat? The hoof cut. It's not even meat anymore, it's just... hoof. They grind it up, add some filler, and suddenly it's a hot dog.

Jerry:You ever wake up in the middle of the night thirsty? What is that? How can you be thirsty while you're sleeping? You're not doing anything. You're lying down, you're not moving. Where's the thirst coming from?

Jerry:And another thing — in your dreams, do you ever drink? You ever have a dream where you're drinking? Because I don't think you do. I think that's why you wake up thirsty.

Jerry:Wait a minute... something's not right here.

Jerry:What are you doing here?

Kramer:I'm making an entrance.

Kramer:I'm making popcorn.

Jerry:In my apartment?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm watching a war movie. The popcorn makes it better.

Kramer:I didn't break it.

Jerry:What are you doing in there?

Kramer:What do you mean? I'm just standing here.

Jerry:Kramer, why is my towel wet?

Kramer:I used it.

Jerry:You used my towel?

Kramer:Yeah, I took a shower.

Elaine:I'm so glad that movie was sold out.

Jerry:Why?

Elaine:Because now we can go back to my apartment and play that bizarre childhood game involving apartment entry.

Elaine:So the murderer is someone from out of town, and he comes to the city, and he stays in a hotel room. And he decides to call a girl...

George:Yeah, but where does he get her number?

Elaine:He gets it from a friend, or he meets her at a party...

George:Oh, I thought maybe he was from New Jersey.

Elaine:Wait, how do you know he's not a murderer?

Jerry:What?

Elaine:That guy. How do you know he's not a murderer?

Jerry:I don't know, he just looks like a regular guy.

Elaine:That's what they always say about serial killers. 'He seemed like such a normal guy.'

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about this key situation. I give you a key to my apartment - that's a gift. But gifts can be revoked.

Kramer:Revoked? You can't revoke a key!

Jerry:Why not? It's not like a house key comes with a lifetime warranty. It's a privilege, Kramer. A privilege that can be taken away.

Jerry:You know, they should have a system where if you lose your keys, they revoke them. Like a license. You lose your keys three times, you're out. No more keys for you.

Kramer:What do you mean they revoke them? How are you gonna get in your apartment?

Jerry:That's the point! You're locked out!

Kramer:Well, what if you need to get in?

Kramer:You're gonna regret the day you lost those keys!

Jerry:I'm not losing my keys again. I'm going to hide them somewhere really safe. I'm going to... keester them.

Kramer:I'm sorry, Jerry. You're right. Keys are sacred. A key is like a covenant between a man and his apartment.

Kramer:You see, I was like a river, flowing in one direction, always searching, always yearning. But then I realized - the river doesn't search for the ocean, the ocean searches for the river. And my keys? My keys are the ocean.

George:A key? You want to give me a key to your apartment?

Jerry:Yeah, what's the big deal?

George:What's the big deal? Jerry, a key is a big deal. A key says 'I trust you.' A key says 'You're important to me.' A key is like... it's like saying I want you to be part of my life in a permanent way.

Jerry:So you don't want the key?

George:I didn't say that. I'm just saying this is a big moment. We should do this right. Maybe we should exchange keys at a nice restaurant. There should be a ceremony.

Kramer:I don't have a key to my apartment.

Kramer:I don't need a key. I just walk in.

Kramer:My lock doesn't work. So I'm very secure, because no one can get in.

Kramer:But I can't get in either. So I have to wait for my neighbor to come home.

Kramer:It's not a problem. You know, it's like George's place. He's got the same lock.

Kramer:I'm telling you, George, we're all just floating through space on a rock. Nothing matters. We're born, we suffer, we die. It's all meaningless.

George:Yeah, well, some of us are suffering right now.

Kramer:Exactly! You get it!

Kramer:George lives in darkness.

George:What are you talking about?

Kramer:I can't see you. You're too dark.

Kramer:So you're yearning?

George:Oh, I'm yearning! I'm yearning all the time!

George:I'm not yearning. Yearning is a thing. You know what I am? I'm a man who wants something. That's different from yearning. Yearning is like... yearning is when you want something but you know you can't have it. I want something and I think maybe I can have it. So I'm not yearning, I'm... I'm hoping. No, wait. I'm not hoping either. Hoping is too... hopeful. I'm... I'm considering the possibility of wanting something. No, that's not right either.

Kramer:You're wasting your life.

George:I'm not wasting my life!

George:I have a whole life ahead of me.

Kramer:You know what your problem is, George? You're a quitter. You quit on everything.

George:I don't quit things.

Kramer:You quit your job at the Yankees!

George:That was different.

Kramer:You quit on your girlfriend. You quit on your apartment. You're a serial quitter, George. A quitter!

George:I'm not a quitter.

Kramer:You quit on your hair! Look at you! You gave up! You surrendered to the follicles!

George:Why is it that I'm always the one who gets screwed?

Jerry:Because you're George.

George:No, I'm serious. Every time something good is about to happen, something bad happens instead.

Kramer:That's because you're doing it wrong.

George:Doing what wrong?

Kramer:Life.

George:Why do we need a reason to live? I mean, we're here, we're alive. Isn't that enough?

Jerry:Well, most people like to have some kind of purpose.

George:Purpose? I have a purpose. Every morning I wake up and I buy a newspaper.

Jerry:That's your purpose?

George:That's my purpose. I get up, I buy the paper, I read it, I find out what's happening in the world. That's living.

Kramer:I was in a Woody Allen movie.

Jerry:You were an extra.

Kramer:I had lines!

Jerry:You said 'Giddy up.'

George:You're really going to California?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm going to drive out there.

George:Drive? You're going to drive to California?

Kramer:Yeah.

George:You're going to drive all the way across the country?

Kramer:Why not? I'll just get in the car and drive. I'll stop when I get tired, sleep a little bit, wake up, and drive some more.

George:That's it? That's your plan?

Kramer:Yeah. I mean, what else do you need? A car, a road, and the will to drive.

Jerry:So you're telling me there's a 'key brother' system?

Elaine:Yes! If you give someone your key, you become key brothers. It's like blood brothers, but with keys.

Jerry:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. What am I supposed to do, prick my finger and bleed on the key?

Elaine:You're not taking this seriously!

Jerry:I'm not taking it seriously? You invented a fake relationship based on copying metal!

Jerry:So you're saying the key opens the door?

Elaine:Right, but only if you have the door.

Jerry:But I need the key to get the door.

Elaine:Exactly! So you need the door to get the key.

Jerry:Wait, I thought I needed the key?

Elaine:You do! But you also need the door.

Jerry:I'm back to square one.

Elaine:No, you're back to the key.

Jerry:You know, I'm looking at my life right now and I realize something: I have three friends, and one of them just broke my coffee table.

Jerry:You're being coy with me, Newman.

Newman:Coy? I'm not being coy.

Jerry:You're being coy.

Newman:I'm not coy!

Jerry:Coy, coy, coy, coy.

Newman:Stop saying coy!

Jerry:Coy.

Jerry:Why do they call you Tiny?

Newman:I don't know.

Jerry:Well, it's a great name. Really suits you.

Newman:He left town. No forwarding address. No goodbye. Just gone. Like a shadow at dusk, fading into the neon-soaked streets. I watched him disappear into the darkness, and I knew... I'd never see him again.

Jerry:He went to visit his mother in Florida for a week.

Newman:A week? That's a lifetime in the underworld.

Jerry:So you'll tell people I tried to give the keys back?

Elaine:Yeah... sure. I'll tell them that.

Jerry:You don't sound very convincing.

Elaine:No, I will. I'll tell them. I'll say 'He tried to give them back.'

Jerry:Will you really?

Elaine:Yes! Yes, I will.

Jerry:What are you mumbling about?

Elaine:I'm not mumbling.

Jerry:Yes, you are. You're mumbling. I heard you mumble.

Elaine:I wasn't mumbling.

Jerry:Don't tell me I didn't hear something. I know what I heard. I heard a mumble. It was definitely a mumble. I've heard mumbling before. I know the sound of a mumble.

Jerry:Hi, Mrs. Kramer? It's Jerry Seinfeld. I was just calling to see how you're doing... Oh, you're having a cocktail? At two in the afternoon? Well, that's nice. What are you drinking? A vodka and tonic? Mmm-hmm. Well, don't let me keep you.

Mrs. Kramer:Oh Jerry, you're such a doll. I'm having such a nice time.

Motorcycle driver:So I'm driving down the highway, right? Nothing crazy. I just tap the brakes a little bit.

Motorcycle driver:Next thing I know, I'm flying through the air, tumbling over the median, my bike explodes in a fireball, and I land in oncoming traffic.

Motorcycle driver:But like I said, just a tiny tap on the brakes.

Kramer:So I'm riding my motorcycle, right? And this guy just cuts me off completely.

Kramer:I go flying over the handlebars, land right on my face.

Kramer:The doctors said my nose was completely shattered. Bone fragments everywhere. They had to reconstruct it with a piece of my hip.

Kramer:But the thing is, now when it rains, my hip hurts.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I was hit by a car. A Lincoln Continental! I was thrown up in the air, and I came down on the hood. Then I rolled off onto the street. I was lying there, and this woman comes up to me and says, 'Oh my God, are you alright?' And I said, 'Yeah, I'm fine!' Because I knew right then and there — I'm not a vegetable!

Motorcycle driver:I learned my lesson about safety.

Motorcycle driver:Now when we go around corners, you gotta lean with me. And don't grab the seat!

Jerry · George:"Maybe because it's a crock of sh--" / "What's that?" / "Nothing." — third iteration of the suppressed-truth running gag

Kramer:So I'm the handsome prince, right? And Jerry, he's the evil ogre.

Kramer:I go to rescue the fair maiden, but Jerry's blocking the castle entrance.

Kramer:So I say, 'Jerry, you gotta move. I got a maiden to save.' And he says, 'No way, Kramer. This is my castle now.'

Hippie:Yeah man, that's beautiful. But you know what? I'd kill that guy. I'd kill him dead.

Hippie:Did you ever kill anybody?

Kramer:Yeahhhh... I killed a guy. With a Dustbuster.

George:You're right, you're absolutely right.

Jerry:Of course I'm right. You know what your problem is? You're fu—

George:Whoa, whoa, whoa!

George:What do your keys look like?

Jerry:They look like keys, George. They're metal, they have little teeth on them. What do you want from me?

George:I've looked everywhere! The apartment, the office, the coffee shop...

Jerry:Have you checked the bedroom?

George:Of course I checked the bedroom! I've checked every possible place!

Jerry:Well, there's only one thing left then.

George:What?

Jerry:There must be a secret passage.

Jerry:What is this?

George:Is that Elaine's?

Jerry:It's a screenplay. She's writing a screenplay.

George:Elaine? Our Elaine?

Jerry:She's got ambitions, George.

George:This is shocking. I had no idea she had... dreams.

Elaine:You read my diary?!

Jerry:I was just looking for a pen.

Elaine:A pen? In my diary?

Jerry:I couldn't put it down. You're a really good writer.

Jerry:You know what I hate about Murphy Brown? She's always getting interrupted mid-insult. Like, just once I'd like to hear her finish calling someone a—

Jerry:What did you say?

Elaine:I didn't say anything.

Jerry:No, you said something. I heard you mumbling.

Elaine:I wasn't mumbling.

Kramer:Giddy up!

Jerry:You ever notice how they always say 'We're going to be taking off in a few minutes'? A few minutes? It's always at least twenty minutes. And then they say 'We apologize for the delay.' For what? You didn't say when we were leaving!

Jerry:And another thing - why do they dim the lights when we land? 'We're dimming the cabin lights so your eyes can adjust to the brightness outside.' My eyes adjust fine! I don't need the flight attendant making it dark like we're going into a cave.

Jerry:But here's what I really want to know - where's the ignition key on this thing? You're telling me they're flying a 747 with no ignition key? What if the pilot forgets how to start it? 'Oh no, I can't remember where I put the key!' We're all going down!

Jerry:You ever notice how pilots always seem so confident? They walk through the airport like they own the place. But I think they're all just faking it. I think every pilot is secretly terrified.

Jerry:Because think about it - they've got keys. Airplane keys. What if one day a pilot gets to the cockpit and realizes he left his keys at home? He's gotta go back. The whole flight is delayed because the pilot forgot his keys.

Jerry:And how embarrassing would that be? You gotta walk back through the terminal. Everyone's looking at you. 'Why's the pilot coming back?' You can see it on his face - total embarrassment. That's why pilots always look so serious.

Jerry:I forgot my keys on the airplane.

Jerry:You know what I don't understand? Airplane maintenance. They say the plane is safe, but then why do they have to keep fixing it? It's like, pick a lane. Either it's safe or it needs work.

Jerry:And another thing — if a plane breaks down, where do they keep the spare key? Do they have like a Hide-A-Key magnetic thing under the fuselage? 'Oh, the plane won't start... let me check under the left wing.'

Kramer:Kramer's actual Murphy Brown appearance: playing 'Steven Snell, the new secretary' — "Good morning, Miss Brown. I'm familiar, yes."

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up: 'Are there keys to the plane? Maybe that's what those delays are — the pilot left his keys in his apartment'

Jerry:"Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my God, I did it again." — Jerry's impersonation of the pilot who locked his keys in his apartment

Jerry:"Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna be delayed here a little while. I left the keys to the plane in my apartment."

Jerry:"They're looking for the magnet Hide-A-Key under the wing."