The Trip (1)

Jerry:You know what's crazy? People today will just casually move across the country. 'Oh, I'm going to move to Los Angeles, try acting for a summer.' Just like that. But the pioneers? They crossed the country in covered wagons for months. They didn't know if they were going to make it. And if they did make it, they stayed. They built a life. They didn't go, 'Well, this didn't work out. I'm heading back to Ohio for the winter.'

Jerry:So the pioneers are crossing the country, right? They're in these covered wagons, it's like 150 degrees inside, they haven't showered in six months, their feet are all cracked and bleeding, and I'm thinking... what did they talk about? What was the conversation? Because you can't just sit there in silence.

Jerry:So I imagine it was probably something like: 'Hey, this is really rough. My back is killing me. You know what would be great right now? Some Gatorade. Or maybe we could stop and grab a Cinnabon.'

Jerry:"We had a great summer. It took us 20 years...and now our lives are over."

George:Holy cow!

George:So what's the deal with Candice Bergen? She's on Murphy Brown, she does movies... How does she find time to be attractive?

George:I'm growing as a person. I can keep secrets now.

George:I kept a sexual secret for 28 seconds.

Jerry:I'm getting you a free trip to LA.

George:Free? What do you mean free? There's no such thing as free. What's the catch?

George:And it has to be first class. I'm not sitting in coach like some schlub.

George:The hotel - it better have a mini-bar. A full mini-bar. Not some pathetic selection.

George:And the room has to face the ocean. I'm not looking at some parking lot.

George:I need a rental car. A nice one. Not some compact. Something with legroom.

George:And the sunscreen - it has to be SPF 45 minimum. My dermatologist says so.

George:Plus, I'm not eating anything that isn't prepared in front of me. I have a sensitive stomach.

George:You know, I've been thinking about taking a trip. Maybe go somewhere I've never been before.

Jerry:Where are you thinking?

George:I don't know. Maybe the Grand Canyon? I hear it's pretty impressive.

Jerry:The Grand Canyon? George, you hate traveling.

George:I know, but they've got a gift shop there. A really nice one. I could get some postcards, maybe a snow globe.

Kramer:You see, I use a very specific method. Red is angry, blue is sad, green is confused, and yellow is... a little bit horny.

Kramer:I have a whole system. See, I use a very specific palette of colors.

Jerry:A palette?

Kramer:Yeah, it's all about the palette. You gotta develop a palette.

Kramer:You see, the key to acting is to find the truth in the character. You gotta dig deep, find what makes them tick.

Security:Sir, you need to leave the building.

Kramer:No, no, wait. I'm demonstrating a crucial technique here!

Security:Now!

Kramer:How are you doing?

Actress:How am I doing? I haven't worked in 58 years!

Helene:Last job was just a Three Stooges short

Helene:I was in the Three Stooges! I played one of the ingénues. We had this scene where they were supposed to hit me with pies, but Moe got a little too enthusiastic and hit me so hard I fell through a window. I was in the hospital for three weeks with a fractured skull and a collapsed lung. They cut that scene out of the final print, but apparently it's on the DVD now. People come up to me all the time saying they saw it and asking me to sign their copy. I tell them, 'That's not entertainment, that's a crime scene.'

Kramer:What are you talking about? The Three Stooges? They're funny!

Helene Benes:You're too sensitive, Kramer. You take everything personally.

Kramer:Me? Too sensitive? I'm not sensitive!

Helene Benes:Yes, you are. And another thing — your mother never wanted you to be an actor.

Jerry:What are you doing? We're only going for the weekend.

George:I like to be prepared.

Jerry:Prepared? You've got fourteen bags! You're like Diana Ross on tour.

George:What? I'm packing efficiently. I have a system.

Jerry:A system? You're just throwing things in a bag.

George:Exactly. It's called the 'controlled chaos' method. Very European.

George:What are you talking about? I rotate my clothes. I have a system. Monday through Friday, I wear this shirt. Then on Saturday and Sunday, I wear a different shirt. It's not the same clothes, it's a rotation.

Jerry:George, you're wearing that same shirt right now. It's Wednesday.

George:So? That doesn't mean I wore it yesterday. I could have worn it last Wednesday. The point is, I'm not wearing the same clothes every day. I'm wearing clothes that happen to be the same clothes, but on different days.

Jerry:What mood is that outfit supposed to represent?

George:I don't know, confidence?

Jerry:Confidence? You look like you're going to spray for insects.

TV Detective:We have no witnesses to the crime.

TV Detective:Wait... there were trees at the scene. Trees see everything. They're always watching, always listening. The trees will testify!

Jerry:You know what this security guy reminds me of? A cat burglar. He's so careful, so methodical. He's treating your carry-on like it's the crown jewels. 'Excuse me, sir, I'm going to have to swab your laptop.' A cat burglar would be faster.

George:I'm telling you, these metal detectors are reading my thoughts. I can feel it. They're scanning my brain right now.

Jerry:George, metal detectors detect metal. Not thoughts.

George:That's what they want you to think! Next thing you know, they're gonna find out I thought about stealing a pretzel from the food court in 1987.

Security Guard:Do you have any metal jewelry on you?

George:No, no metal jewelry.

Security Guard:Any anklets?

George:Anklets? Men wear anklets?

Security:What's this moisturizer doing in your bag?

George:Oh, that's... that's mine. I use it.

George:My skin gets very dry.

George:It's the buttons. They're making me go off. I have very strong buttons.

Jerry:You know, I've been watching these airport cart people, and I think they're like modern royalty. They're just riding around on those carts like they own the place. Everyone's bowing and scraping, getting out of their way. 'Oh, excuse me, cart person coming through!' It's like the peasants parting for the king.

Jerry:You know, the street vendors, the cart people, they're like royalty. They have their own little kingdom out there on the sidewalk.

Jerry:I watched a father teaching his son the proper way to approach a pretzel cart. He said, 'Now son, you have to show respect. Bow slightly, make eye contact, and always say please.'

Jerry:The kid goes up to the guy, does this little bow, and the cart guy just nods like, 'Yes, you have been taught well. You may have a pretzel.'

Jerry:You ever notice how at the airport, they have those little carts for people who can't walk? And there's always this one guy who's perfectly fine, just using it because he's lazy. Meanwhile, there's an actual elderly woman struggling with her bags, and he's zooming past her like he's in the Indy 500.

Jerry:I want to be the cart police. 'Excuse me, sir, you need to get out of that cart. You've got two perfectly good legs. That cart is for people who actually need it.' But then you feel bad, because what if he's got some invisible condition? So you just let him go, and you're angry the rest of the day.

Jerry:You know what these moving walkways are? They're like a theme park ride for lazy people. You just stand there and the walkway does all the work.

George:What's wrong with that? My legs work fine.

Jerry:Then why aren't you using them?

Receptionist:Name?

Kramer:Cosmo Kramer.

Receptionist:You're auditioning for the Woody Allen film?

Kramer:That's right.

Receptionist:We're all full up on that. But we do have some other things. We have a commercial, a TV movie, an educational video, a training film, an industrial video, and a hostage situation video.

Kramer:What's a hostage situation video?

Receptionist:It's a video for bank tellers on what to do in case of a robbery.

Kramer:That was a great scream!

Actor:Thanks! You too!

Kramer:Really? I wasn't even trying.

Kramer:It's a show about nothing. Well, not nothing. It's about this guy, he's got a girlfriend, she's... she's a Nazi. Well, not a Nazi, but she's got some Nazi tendencies. And every week, something comes up, and they have to figure out how to deal with it.

Jerry:She's got Nazi tendencies?

Kramer:Yeah, yeah. She was in the Hitler Youth. But it was just a phase.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about doing a miniseries on Eva Braun.

Jerry:Eva Braun? What's the angle?

Kramer:Well, nobody knows anything about her. I mean, she's Hitler's girlfriend, but what was she like? Was she funny? Did she like to dance?

Jerry:Kramer, I don't think that's a good idea.

Kramer:Why not? I could call it 'Master of Her Domain'.

Kramer:Fred, Fred! I got something for you. It's a treatment. It's gold, Jerry, gold!

Fred Savage:Uh, thanks... what is it?

Kramer:Well, it's about a man, a man who's got nothing, but he's got a dream. And he's gonna make it big!

Fred Savage:That's... that's great, but I'm actually—

Kramer:No, no, wait! There's more! He meets a woman, she's beautiful, she's smart, and she's got this laugh, you know, like—

Fred Savage:Really, I appreciate it, but—

Kramer:And then—and then he gets a job! A big job! With a big company! Pendant Publishing!

Fred Savage:Look, I really have to go—

Kramer:Just give me five minutes! Five minutes and you'll be a star! This thing is huge, Fred!

Kramer:Fred, Fred, Fred. You gotta take the treatment. Look, I'm not a doctor, but I'm not *not* a doctor. You know what I'm saying?

Fred Savage:That doesn't make any sense.

Kramer:No, no, no. See, that's the thing. It doesn't have to make sense. Life doesn't make sense. We're all just floating around on a big rock in space. You think *that* makes sense? So why shouldn't you take my treatment?

Lupe:You need more towels?

George:No, no towels. But I was wondering... do you have a blanket that's not too heavy, not too light, but just right? And it can't have that weird synthetic smell. And the thread count has to be between 400 and 600, but not 500 exactly because that's too round a number and it makes me suspicious. Oh, and it should be folded in thirds, not halves or quarters.

Lupe:I get you different blanket.

George:Wait, wait! One more thing. It can't have been washed more than twice. I can tell, you know. I have very sensitive skin.

George:I like to sleep on my stomach with one leg up. It's a very comfortable position. I wake up feeling great. Sometimes I switch to my back, but then I can't fall asleep. I'm up all night thinking about my life. So I stick with the stomach. One leg up.

George:I like my blankets tucked in tight. Very tight.

Jerry:That's because you're afraid of falling out of bed.

George:I am not! I just like the security of it.

Lupe:Mr. George, how tight you want the corners?

George:Hospital corners. Military precision.

Jerry:You're going to suffocate in your sleep.

George:Better than waking up on the floor like some kind of vagrant.

Lupe:What about top sheet? You want that tucked too?

George:Everything. Every sheet, every blanket. I want to be a burrito.

Jerry:A burrito that can't move his arms.

George:I can move my arms. I just choose not to.

Jerry:Lupe, did you see a napkin? A white napkin with some writing on it?

Lupe:Oh, the napkin? I threw it away.

Jerry:You threw it away? That napkin had all my jokes on it!

Lupe:It was just a napkin.

Jerry:You threw out my napkin!

George:She didn't throw out your napkin. Why would she throw out your napkin?

Jerry:I had it right here on the armrest!

George:Maybe you dropped it. Maybe it fell. She's not throwing out your napkin, Jerry. Lupe is a good woman. Why would she throw out your napkin?

George:The tuck is making a comeback. I'm telling you, it's a thing now. All the kids are doing it.

Jerry:George, no one is tucking.

George:They are! It's retro. It's ironic. It's a whole movement.

Detective:We have a 10-31 in progress at the corner of Fifth and Main.

Detective:I'm going to need backup immediately.

Ross:Wait, nobody actually talks like that, right?

Detective:No, not really. But it sounds cool on TV.

George:Oh my God, it's you! I can't believe it's really you!

Corbin Bernsen:Hey, thanks for the enthusiasm.

George:I'm so cool about this. I'm totally cool. I told my friends I'd be cool if I ever met you.

George:Can I get your autograph? And a picture? And maybe your phone number?

George:Okay, so here's the story: A man takes his dog to the groomer. The groomer leaves the dog in the sun too long, the dog dies from heat stroke. The man sues the groomer for negligence and emotional distress.

Corbin Bernsen:That's... that's a real case?

George:No, no, I made it up. But it could be on your show. You know, dramatic courtroom scenes, the grieving pet owner on the stand, the groomer's lawyer trying to shift blame...

George:Why can't you just get another cat? It's not like she's a person. You get another cat, problem solved.

Jerry:You can't just replace a cat like that.

George:Why not? What's the difference? You go down to the pound, you get a cat, boom, you got a cat again.

Jerry:It's not the same cat.

George:So what? It's a cat. They're all the same. You could even get a better cat. A cat without any problems. A cat that doesn't smell. A cat that doesn't shed.

George:I'm not saying she's lying. I'm saying I need proof. You can't just tell me the cat is dead and expect me to accept it. What if she gave it away? What if it ran off? What if it's living a better life with another family? I need to see a body. I need forensic evidence. A veterinary report. Something notarized.

George:You know what? Instead of meeting at a bar, the lawyers should meet at a community center.

Corbin Bernsen:Why would they do that?

George:It's more wholesome. Better for syndication.

George:I had a great conversation with this guy at the coffee shop. Very articulate, very intelligent.

Jerry:Who?

George:I can't tell you.

Jerry:Why not?

George:Because he asked me not to.

Jerry:So you had this great conversation, but you can't tell me who it was or what you talked about?

George:That's right.

Jerry:George, you were probably just talking to yourself in the mirror again.

Corbin Bernsen:And this man, George Costanza, admitted to me that he once hid in his parents' bedroom closet to spy on his mother changing clothes.

Corbin Bernsen:George, you're some sick nut.

Jerry:"I had the perfect wording of a joke I was gonna do about the airport. I was gonna do it on The Tonight Show. Now I can't remember it."

Kramer:You know, if you keep it up, I'm gonna kill you.

Kramer:You're soaking in it.

George Wendt:You know this guy?

Corbin Bernsen:Yeah, he's been following me around for weeks.

George Wendt:Following you? He's been at my apartment building three times this month.

Corbin Bernsen:What are you gonna do?

George Wendt:I don't know. I guess you just accept it. It's part of the job.

Corbin Bernsen:Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.

Jerry:So I'm up here, I've got this great joke, I'm doing the setup, the audience is with me, they're laughing... and then I just... I just blank. Complete blank. I'm standing here on national television and I've got nothing. So I do what any reasonable person would do—I just stare at the audience like they owe me money.

Jerry:That housekeeper took my napkin! That's the whole reason I bombed on stage. If she hadn't thrown it away, I'd still have my material.

George:Jerry, it was one napkin. You've written jokes on cocktail napkins before.

Jerry:Not like this one! This was gold! Pure gold! And she just... crumpled it up like it was nothing.

News Anchor:We interrupt this program with a breaking news alert. Cosmo Kramer, a man spotted entering and exiting numerous apartments throughout the upper West Side, is now wanted for questioning in connection with a series of murders.

Jerry:You notice talk show hosts are always checking how much time they have left? They're constantly looking at their producer, getting signals. 'We got five minutes? Four minutes?' It's like they're defusing a bomb.

Jerry:Meanwhile, you got Magnum P.I. in the middle of a shootout, and he's never once going, 'Hey, how much time do we have left in this scene? Do we have time for a car chase? Are we going to commercial?'

George · Corbin Bernsen:George's cat story: forgot to feed girlfriend's cat for 'five, six days, maybe a week,' cat died, refuses to buy replacement, offers to find one in the garbage in 15 seconds, demands autopsy report before buying new cat

George · Corbin Bernsen:George critiques L.A. Law's setting: 'It's enough with the bar already... Have they thought about changing the setting? Because people do meet in places besides a bar. What about a rec room? Or a community center.'

Jerry · George:Jerry claims he had two 'meaningful, intelligent conversations' with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt — then George notices toilet paper on Jerry's heel

Corbin Bernsen · Jay Leno:Corbin Bernsen retells George's dead cat story on Tonight Show but as an example of a 'nut' — calling George a 'sick nut' who killed a cat and refused to pay

George Wendt · Jay Leno:George Wendt retells George's rec room suggestion about L.A. Law on The Tonight Show, also calling him a 'nut'

George Wendt · Jay Leno:George Wendt on Tonight Show tells Jay about a 'nut' who suggested L.A. Law move from a bar to 'a rec room' — also unknowingly describing George Costanza.

Jay Leno:"So that's when I said, 'Hey, Kramer, dude...you ever kill a man before?' And he said, 'What do you think, junior? These hands have been soaking in Ivory Liquid?'"

Jerry · Corbin Bernsen · George Wendt:Jerry realizes both Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt talked to the SAME guy — George

Jerry:Jerry begins his Tonight Show set about airport conveyor belts — but stumbles and can't remember his material

Jerry · George:"I was terrible." / "What are you crazy? You were fine." / "I couldn't remember what I was trying to say. That whole thing about the..." / "Conveyor belt." / "Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin." / "I can't believe... You're blaming Lupe?" / "Yes. Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe."

News Anchor:News broadcast reveals Kramer is the suspect sought in connection with the 'Smog Stranglings' — he is 'known only as Kramer'

Jerry:Jerry's closing stand-up: Talk show hosts constantly asking how much time is left — then extending to Magnum P.I. checking time before strangling someone