The Trip (2)

Hotel Worker:So you prefer the top sheet folded down, the blanket tucked in on both sides, and the pillows fluffed but not over-fluffed.

Hotel Worker:This is very helpful information. We'll make a note of it in your file.

Asking about murder as casual small talk

Jerry:You ever notice how they always talk about crime scene investigation like it's some kind of desirable career? 'Oh, you should look into forensics, it's a great field.' Yeah, great field. I want to spend my day looking at dead bodies and collecting evidence. That's my dream job.

Jerry:You know what's great about being a crime scene chalk outline? Job security. Nobody's getting rid of you until the crime is solved. And in New York, that could be never.

Jerry:You know what the worst job in the police department is? Being the guy who draws the chalk outline. That's like the consolation prize for failed sketch artists. 'Well, your paintings didn't sell, but how would you like to spend the rest of your life drawing dead bodies on the pavement?'

Jerry:We got a body here, Johnson. Get me the chalk outline guy.

Jerry:What is this? A chalk outline or a Rorschach test? I've seen better work on a Kindergarten chalkboard.

Jerry:You call yourself a professional? My grandmother could do better than this, and she's been dead for five years!

Jerry:This is supposed to be a body? It looks like you were trying to draw a map of New Jersey.

Jerry:What is the deal with chalk outlines? I mean, you're lying there dead, and they're drawing around you with chalk. Like that's going to help identify you later. 'Well, we found a chalk outline shaped like a guy. Must be him.'

George:You really think Kramer did it?

Jerry:No! No, of course not. Kramer would never do that.

Jerry:George, how can you think about food at a time like this?

George:What? My stomach doesn't know about the situation. My stomach thinks everything is fine. My stomach is like a child - you can't just tell it bad news and expect it to understand.

George:What are you talking about? Eggs for lunch? Eggs are a breakfast food!

Jerry:George, you can eat eggs whenever you want.

George:No, no, no. There's a right time for eggs. Breakfast time. That's it. You start eating eggs at lunch, you've crossed a line. You've gone too far.

George:I'm not eating eggs for lunch.

Jerry:Why not?

George:Because I don't want to.

Jerry:They're eggs, George.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:It's not a lie if you believe it? What are you talking about?

George:I don't know, I just thought of it and I said it. It sounds good.

Jerry:It's ridiculous. Everything you just said is ridiculous.

Jerry:I need to find a pay phone. Do you know where there's a pay phone?

George:A pay phone? What is this, 1987?

Jerry:I know, I know. But my cell phone battery died.

Kramer:A pay phone in Los Angeles? You might as well be looking for a payphone on the moon.

Jerry:It can't be that hard. They used to be everywhere.

Elaine:Used to be. Now finding one is like discovering fire. People would gather around, amazed.

Jerry:I need to break a large bill. Can you break a hundred?

George:A hundred? That's like asking me to donate a kidney. I don't just give up a hundred dollars like that.

Jerry:It's just change, George.

George:Just change? Do you know what I could do with a hundred dollars? I could buy a new shirt. I could take a woman to dinner. And you're asking me to just hand it over like I'm some kind of philanthropist.

George:My breath is bad?

Jerry:No, no, no. Your breath is fine.

Jerry:I'm just saying, these mints are a good idea. For anyone. In general.

Jerry:I mean, I take them. Kramer takes them. Even Elaine—

George:So my breath IS bad!

Jerry:Nobody said anything about your breath specifically. You have very nice breath. Fresh. Clean. Minty, even without the mints.

George:Jerry, is this an emergency?

Jerry:George, a woman just accused me of being a serial killer. I'd say that qualifies.

Jerry:Hello, 911? Yes, hi, how are you?

911 Operator:We're fine, what's your emergency?

Jerry:Well, I hate to bother you, but I think there's a guy breaking into my apartment.

911 Operator:We'll send someone right away.

Jerry:Oh, thank you so much. Sorry to have troubled you.

Jerry:I gave them your name.

George:My name?! Why did you give them my name?

Jerry:I panicked. I had to give them a name.

George:You can't just give them my name! What if they look me up? What if they think I did it?

Jerry:Your name is a good, strong name. It has dignity, it has weight to it.

George:You think so?

Jerry:George Costanza. If I heard that name, I'd have to do a double-take. That's not a name that just anybody can carry.

George:You know, you're right. I never thought of it that way.

Jerry:Excuse me, do you know where the nearest bathroom is?

Stranger:Yeah, it's right between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Jerry:Excuse me, officer? Yeah, I'd like to file a complaint. This guy right here gave me some very wise advice, and I'd like to press charges.

Jerry:What street is this?

Woman:I don't know.

Jerry:You don't know what street you're on?

Woman:I don't know.

Jerry:How can you not know what street you're on?

Woman:I don't know.

Jerry:I'm gonna cruise by the precinct, see if anything's happening.

George:Oh yeah, that's great. You sound real tough. Maybe you can get yourself a badge and a gun while you're at it.

George:You got any breath mints in here?

Police Officer:Sir, you're under arrest.

George:I know, I know, but my breath is terrible. You got a Tic Tac or something?

George:Why would you bother the police? They're busy. They got murderers and rapists and people who steal cars.

Jerry:So?

George:So, if I got a problem, I go to the cops. They got time for me? No. But if I'm just standing around doing nothing, and a cop sees me, he's gonna think I'm up to something. So I avoid them.

George:You know, I wonder if sirens have evolved over time. Like, maybe they started out simpler and got more complex.

George:Weee-wooo, weee-wooo... Nah, that's too basic. How about: Wee-wee-wee-woo-woo-wee!

George:Or maybe: Weeeeeee-WOOOOOOO-weee-WOOOOOOO! That's pretty good.

George:Well, you see, the problem with sirens is they've reached a plateau in their effectiveness. You can only make something so loud before the human ear just shuts down, it's a defense mechanism. So what we really need is a siren that doesn't get louder, it gets more annoying. Like a sound that burrows into your brain and won't leave.

George:I'm telling you, they should test this. Get a guy, put him in a room, hit him with different sirens, measure his psychological deterioration. That's your data right there. That's science.

George:So what's the effective range on this thing?

Cop:About 50 yards.

George:Fifty yards? That seems short. What about accuracy? Does it have a good grip? I'm looking for something with a nice weight distribution.

Jerry:George, you're not shopping for a toaster.

George:Why not? Same principles apply. Ergonomics, durability, value for money...

George:You know, there's actually an 11-gauge shotgun. It's very rare, but it exists. I read about it.

Jerry:Wait, what are these? These are Milano cookies!

George:So?

Jerry:So? George, the NYPD is eating Milano cookies? Since when does the police department have gourmet snacks?

George:Maybe they're from the evidence room.

Jerry:The evidence room? These aren't evidence, George. These are a lifestyle choice.

Jerry:You know, they read you your rights, right? 'You have the right to remain silent.' Well, if you didn't have the right to remain silent, what would they do? Shoot you? 'Talk! Talk!' No, you have the right to remain silent. That's a good right to have.

Jerry:You know, I don't understand why they need to read you your rights. I mean, if you're arrested, you know you have rights. You know you can make a phone call. You know you can have a lawyer. Why do they have to tell you? It's like they're reminding you of a TV show you watched.

Jerry:They should just say, 'You have the right to remain silent. It's like the episode of Dragnet where...'

Jerry:So what's the deal with you and tipping? You never tip.

George:I tip when it's warranted. The service has to be exceptional.

Jerry:George, they bring you food. That's the job.

George:Exactly! So why should I pay extra for them doing their job?

Jerry:Because it's customary. It's expected.

George:Well I'm starting a new trend. No tipping. It starts here, with me.

Jerry:You're not starting a trend. You're just being cheap.

George:I'm not cheap, I'm thrifty. There's a difference.

Criminal:Wait a minute... you guys aren't cuffed. Are you... are you undercover?

Jerry:Yeah, that's right.

George:We're with the department.

Jerry:Deep cover.

Jerry:You think I'm a narc?

Criminal:No, no. I apologize. I can tell you're just a serial killer like the rest of us.

Jerry:Well, I appreciate that.

Criminal:I disagree with Ann Landers!

Jerry:You disagree with Ann Landers?

Criminal:Yes! I think she's way off base on the tipping issue.

George:A criminal is criticizing Ann Landers' advice?

Criminal:What, criminals can't read advice columns?

Kramer:I'm doing great! I just got back from my audition for that new cop show. The casting director loved me. He said I have real potential.

Jerry:That's great, Kramer.

Kramer:Yeah, the only thing is, there's this little murder rap they're trying to pin on me, but my agent says it's actually great exposure. He thinks this could really jump-start my career.

George:Murder rap?

Kramer:Yeah, but don't worry about it. My publicist is already spinning it. She thinks the trial will be great for my Q rating.

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm a player out there in LA. I got connections, I got style.

Jerry:A player? Kramer, you're in jail.

Kramer:So? I'm still a player!

Kramer:Yeah, so I'm in the holding cell, right? And I'm thinking, you know what? This is perfect timing. I've been meaning to get together with Kenny Bania anyway. We're gonna do a bit.

Jerry:Kramer, you don't understand. You're being charged with murder. This is serious.

Kramer:Oh come on, Jerry. It's not a big deal.

Jerry:Not a big deal? You could go to prison!

Kramer:Eh, I've been in worse situations.

Kramer:Oh, I'll get out of here. No problem.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait! I can't get out! Help me! Somebody help!

Kramer:I swear to God, I'm innocent!

Detective:Yeah? Well, God's my witness, and he says you're guilty.

Detective:You know, I've been a detective for twenty years. I've seen things that would make your head spin. Things that would keep you up at night.

Detective:And I'm telling you right now, if you don't cooperate with me, I'm going to make sure you regret the day you were born.

Detective:I'll find out where you live. I'll know what you had for breakfast. I'll know what brand of toothpaste you use.

Detective:And when I'm done with you, you're going to wish you never even heard the word 'detective'.

Detective:Oh, you're not Kramer? Then who are you?

Detective:The coffee table book about coffee tables? The bro/manssiere inventor? The cologne mogul? The rickshaw driver? The fake movie producer? The guy who lived in an office building? The 'close talker' expert? The pizza place pizza cutter? The makeup artist? The shoe repair guy? The fake tip jar operator?

Detective:Because all of those guys look exactly like you.

Detective:You know, I've been thinking about this case, and I've come to a conclusion. You didn't just kill this man. You murdered the very essence of his existence, extinguished the flame of his potential, snuffed out the candle of his dreams.

Detective:We're looking for a man in a blue car. Could be a serial killer, could be a serial rapist. We don't know. But we know he's out there, and we know he's something of a serial... consolidator.

Lieutenant:Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God protects the innocent and punishes evil scum like you.

Kramer:So you're saying I'm the pervert?

Kramer:Hey!

Jerry:So what are you going to do?

Kramer:What am I going to do? I'm going to do what I do.

Jerry:And what's that?

Kramer:What I do is what I do. That's what I do.

Kramer:You know, I was thinking about moving to LA.

Jerry:LA? What are you gonna do in LA?

Kramer:I don't know, it's just... I feel like I need a change, you know? Something different.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't even handle New York.

Kramer:Yeah, but in LA you got the sunshine, the palm trees...

Jerry:You also got the traffic. You'll be sitting alone in your car for three hours with thousands of people.

Kramer:So?

Jerry:So you'll be lonely AND stuck. That's the LA experience.

Kramer:I'm moving to Los Angeles.

Jerry:Los Angeles? What are you gonna do out there?

Kramer:I'm gonna become an actor.

George:An actor? Kramer, you can't act.

Kramer:Well, I'm gonna take acting classes. I'm gonna get headshots. I'm gonna network.

Elaine:Kramer, you're delusional.

Kramer:No, I'm not. I've got a good feeling about this. I can feel it in my bones. I'm gonna be big.

Jerry:You're gonna be big?

Kramer:Yeah. Big. I'm moving to Los Angeles, and I'm never coming back. I'm gonna be a huge star.

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, I met this girl, we really hit it off. I think this could be the beginning of something special.

Jerry:Kramer, she's been dead for three years.

Jerry:The girl was murdered.

Kramer:So? People break up all the time.

Kramer:I was on TV! That's a success!

Jerry:Kramer, they were charging you with being a serial killer.

Kramer:So? You and George, always so negative!

Kramer:You know what? I've been thinking about my future, and I realize I need to make some serious changes in my life.

Kramer:But first, let me tell you about this sandwich I had yesterday. The bread-to-meat ratio was completely off. The bread overwhelmed the turkey. It's a structural disaster.

Kramer:What are you, crazy? That's dill!

Jerry:That's not dill, that's parsley.

Kramer:Parsley? You're out of your mind!

Jerry:You know, I was thinking about all of this, and it's made me realize something. Life is like a big bowl of cereal, and we're all just trying to find the right milk. Sometimes you get the milk, sometimes the milk gets you. But in the end, we're all just floating around in this bowl together, you know? And that's... that's really beautiful when you think about it.

George:You know, I've been thinking about the perks of being a chambermaid. The soap, Jerry. The soap! You get all the soap you want. Fancy hotel soap. Imported. You could bathe in it.

Jerry:George, you're not a chambermaid.

George:I'm just saying, it's a perk. Free soap. That's a legitimate benefit.

Jerry:You can buy soap, George.

George:But I wouldn't have to. That's the point. It comes with the job. It's like... like dental.

Jerry:So what, next you're gonna tell me the shampoo is gonna help me move a couch?

George:I'd be like a great boss. My employees would be so devoted to me, they'd practically worship me.

George:It'd be like working for a Communist dictator, but with better benefits.

George:I forgot to tip Lupe! Oh my God, I forgot to tip Lupe!

George:You know, this is what's wrong with communism.

Kramer:I'm looking for mustard.

Kramer:No, no, no. That's too yellow.

TV News:We're looking for a man in his thirties, brown hair, about six feet tall. He's wanted for several murders in the area. Consider him armed and extremely dangerous.

TV News:He's also an excellent tipper.

Jerry:You ever notice how they have those smog alerts in LA? They tell you, 'Don't go outside, there's a smog alert.' So you stay inside. But then you think, 'Wait a minute... where does the air in my house come from? It comes from outside! So I'm sitting in my house breathing the same poison air, just filtered through my wall!'

Jerry:You know what I realized? We seal up our houses completely. We close all the windows, lock all the doors. We're like specimens in a jar. Except instead of formaldehyde, we're sitting in our own stale breath and the smell of whatever George had for lunch.

Jerry:So there's a smog alert, and they tell everybody to stay indoors because the air outside is poisonous. But then your parents are like, 'Go outside and get some fresh air!' Like there's some magical forcefield around our house that stops the poison from coming in.

George:I'll tell you, if I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me on the walls and in their home. Like Lenin.

Jerry · George · Jerry:How much did you wind up tipping her? — Oh, my God, I forgot. — That's why communism didn't work.

Kramer · Jerry:Got any mustard? This is empty. — Yeah, there's a new one in there. — No, no. I don't like this one. It's too yellow.

News Anchor:...somehow managed to escape from the police car in which he was being held.

News Anchor:He is described as 5'5", bald, and reputedly a very generous tipper.

Jerry:The thing about L.A. to me that kind of threw me was when they have the smog alerts out there. And they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert.

Jerry:What do they think? We live in a jar with a couple of holes punched in the top?

Jerry:Do you realize it is now possible for parents to say to their children: 'All right, kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air. Summer vacation. Everybody indoors.'