The Dog

Jerry:You ever notice how ventriloquists always give their dummies this wild, active sex life? The dummy's got more action than the ventriloquist! The wooden guy is out there dating, having relationships... Meanwhile the ventriloquist is going home alone with a piece of wood under his arm.

Jerry:The logical connection between being wooden and being kinky

Jerry:You know what I love about a CPR dummy? The specificity. It's not just 'broken' or 'dead' — it's always lying there with its head tilted perfectly askew, like it's been hit by a very polite car. And the feet! Always dangling just off the edge of the table, like it's trying to get one last look at what it's missing.

Jerry:This has to be a joke. A book from 1971? I was seven years old!

Jerry:Who keeps a book for thirty years? What am I, running a library?

Jerry:This is a prank, right? Someone's messing with me.

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're telling me that if I don't return this library book, they're gonna fine me fifty cents?

Jerry:Fifty cents! That's outrageous. Do they know what inflation is?

Jerry:And if I don't pay that, it goes to a dollar. A dollar! Now we're talking serious money.

Jerry:Then five dollars. Ten dollars. By the time they track me down, I'll owe them my car.

Jerry:It's like the mob, except they wear cardigans and shush you.

Jerry:I'm reading the book, and I realize I'm not even paying attention to what I'm reading. My mind is wandering. I look down, and I see I'm on page 47. I flip back to see where I started, and it's page 32. I've read fifteen pages and I don't remember any of it.

Jerry:So I'm thinking, maybe I should return the book. But then I think, no, I'll just keep reading. Maybe it'll get better.

Jerry:But I can't do it. I can't keep reading a book I'm not into. So I go back to the bookstore.

Jerry:And I'm standing there with this book, and the guy behind the counter—he knows. He knows I didn't like it. He can tell by the way I'm holding it. Like it's contaminated.

Jerry:So I say to him, 'I'd like to return this book.' And he says, 'Did you read it?' And I say, 'Some of it.' And he gives me this look like I just told him I murdered his family.

Jerry:Your vivid description

George:Memory burn.

Jerry:What is this, the library? I'm not going back there. You know what they do? They make you pay for books you lose. It's like a rental system, but they don't tell you it's a rental system. And if you don't return it, they hunt you down like you stole the Mona Lisa.

Jerry:And old people, they're using newspaper sticks to save money. Newspaper sticks! They roll up the newspaper, tie it with a string, and use it to prop open windows instead of buying air conditioning. That's not frugal, that's insane.

Jerry:You know what I don't understand about the library? The Dewey Decimal System. It's like they're trying to make it so complicated that you have to pay them to find a book. It's a money-making scheme! They're like, 'Oh, you want to find a book? That'll be $47.50. Here's your decimal number: 847.3. Good luck!'

George:You know, I've been thinking about those newspaper sticks. They're actually pretty useful around the house.

Jerry:Newspaper sticks? What are you talking about?

George:You know, when the newspaper comes rolled up with that little stick through it? I want to keep those.

Jerry:You want to keep newspaper sticks?

George:Yeah! For the apartment. You never know when you're gonna need a stick.

Kramer:She's a librarian. You know what that means? She's got to be organized, efficient, detail-oriented. Those are the qualities of a woman who knows what she wants in bed.

Kramer:You know, the librarian, she's got a lot of things on her mind. The Dewey Decimal System, the filing, the... the shushing. It's a lot of responsibility.

Kramer:What she needs is a man. A man to take care of things. A man to be there for her.

Kramer:I think... I think that man is me.

Jerry:So what's Kramer doing tonight?

George:He's got a date with that woman from the coffee shop.

Jerry:Oh yeah? Well, I hope he's been practicing safe sex.

George:Why would you say that?

Jerry:Because knowing Kramer, he probably thinks a condom is a type of apartment building.

Jerry:It's like if there was a proctologist named Dr. Butz.

George:Wait a minute... that's not just any homeless person. That's our old gym teacher, Mr. Heywood!

George:No whistle. That's how I know it's him. He's the only homeless guy in the city without a whistle.

Jerry:You got a teacher fired?

George:I didn't get her fired. She was already on thin ice.

Kramer:You're a menace to society, George. A menace!

Jerry:What did you do?

George:I may have made an inappropriate comment in class.

Kramer:Inappropriate? George, you're talking about a crime spree! The woman lost her pension!

Jerry:It's not that serious, Kramer.

Kramer:Not serious? He's a menace! A danger to the educational system! They should lock him up and throw away the key!

Kramer:So... you must be the head librarian. I'm looking to check something out.

Librarian:A book?

Kramer:No, you.

Elaine:Did you hear what he said to me? 'You look nice today.' Nice. Not beautiful, not pretty, but nice. Do you know what nice means? Nice means you're acceptable. You're tolerable. You're the human equivalent of a beige cardigan.

Elaine:And then he said 'Have a good one.' A good one what? One day? One week? He couldn't even commit to the full phrase 'Have a good day.' He abbreviated my well-being!

Mr. Lippman:The water cooler temperature has been inconsistent. It's unacceptable.

Elaine:Mr. Lippman, I actually wanted to discuss my—

Mr. Lippman:Not now, Elaine. This is about the water.

Marie:The last batch was barely cool enough.

Mr. Lippman:Exactly, Marie. We need to address this immediately.

Elaine:But sir, about my work performance—

Mr. Lippman:Elaine, can't you see we're in the middle of something here?

Elaine:George, I can't believe you forgot about lunch. I was counting on you.

George:Forgot about lunch? Elaine, lunch is just a concept. It's a made-up thing we do in the middle of the day to break up the monotony. It's not real.

Elaine:It's not real? George, I'm hungry!

George:You're not hungry. You're just conditioned to think you're hungry at a certain time. It's all a conspiracy by the sandwich industry.

George:She kept criticizing me in front of the class. So I told her, 'You're a real Steinbrenner!' She didn't appreciate it.

Jerry:I remember in gym class, they made us wear those horrible uniforms. And the worst part? The straps. These straps just hanging down the back. What was the point of those straps? You look like a pack mule.

Jerry:Her teeth were like... you ever see those old teeth in a corpse? You know, the ones that look like baked beans?

Jerry:There's the standard wedgie, the atomic wedgie, the reverse wedgie...

George:The atomic wedgie? What's that?

Jerry:That's when they pull it up so hard, your whole body lifts off the ground.

Elaine:Oh, we don't fight like that. We just stop talking to each other. That's it. We just completely ignore each other until one person caves and says 'I'm sorry.'

Jerry:That's it? That's your big move?

Elaine:That's devastating. That is devastating.

Jerry:You know what the library system is like? It's like that friend you had in childhood who was always desperate to hang out with you. You'd avoid them, but every once in a while you'd feel bad and agree to see them. Then you'd have a terrible time, remember why you were avoiding them in the first place, and feel guilty for the next six months.

Jerry:That's the library. You feel obligated to go back, but deep down you know it's going to disappoint you.

Jerry:You know what you are? You're like a government-funded library.

Bookman:You know, we're living in a SOCIETY. We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way. Now, you don't have instant coffee? What do you think this is, medieval times?

Bookman:You gotta have instant coffee. It's not a luxury item, it's a NECESSITY. When somebody comes to your house, you offer them coffee. Not some complicated brewing process. INSTANT.

Bookman:You think you're better than instant coffee? Is that what this is about? You and your precious fresh-ground beans?

Jerry:I just don't drink that much coffee.

Bookman:You DON'T drink that much coffee?! That's irrelevant! It's about being PREPARED. It's about respecting your guests. Instant coffee is the foundation of civilization!

Bookman:You see, back in 1971, I could leave my front door open. I could leave my car running, with the keys in the ignition. You know why? Because people had respect! They had a code of conduct!

Bookman:But you know what the real problem started with? The library card! People started not returning books. And then they stopped caring about anything. Watergate! Vietnam! The economy collapsed!

Bookman:I'm a reasonable man. I don't mind if you read in the dark, I don't mind if you bend the spine, I don't mind if you dog-ear the pages. But I draw the line at one thing — and that is putting your feet on my books. Feet off the books!

Bookman:You see, these books are not just paper and ink. They're windows into the human soul. And when a child picks up a book about pee-pees and wee-wees, they're learning about the most fundamental aspects of human existence!

Bookman:You see, according to the code, all the original due date gotta be marked clearly on the first page of the book. You owe me a looot of money.

Bookman:You think it's all a big joke, don't ya? You think you can just waltz into the New York Public Library, find a book that's 30 years overdue, and waltz out. Well, you can't. Because the library has to be protected from people like you, Joy-boy. So I'm gonna tell you something, and I want you to listen to me very carefully. Party time is over.

Jerry:No, no, I'm telling you, it happened! I remember it perfectly. It was a Tuesday... no wait, a Wednesday. There was a guy, he had a shirt on, I think it was blue. Or maybe it was... look, the point is, I was there, and something definitely occurred!

Jerry:It was an orange dress.

Sherry:It was purple.

Jerry:Orange.

Sherry:Purple.

Jerry:I remember exactly what gum it was. Doublemint. I was at the food court in the mall, and this girl walked by...

Sherry:That wasn't Doublemint, it was Juicy Fruit. And you weren't at the mall, you were at the laundromat.

Jerry:No, no, no. I specifically remember the Doublemint wrapper. The twins on the package. I can still see their faces.

Sherry:Jerry, you were alone. There was no girl. You dropped the gum in the sink.

Sherry:It's not 'Tropic of Cancer,' it's 'Tropic of Capricorn.'

Sherry:Let me read you a passage... 'The women here are like ripe fruit, waiting to be plucked, their bodies glistening in the moonlight, their moans echoing through the streets as I take them from behind, again and again, their breasts heaving with each thrust...'

Jerry:...

Jerry:I just realized I have two books. Two books! How did that happen? I was supposed to read one book.

Jerry:But wait... there's more to this story. Something happened between book one and book two.

Jerry:And I'm not even going to tell you what it is.

Jerry:So what happened to the book?

George:I don't know what you're talking about.

Jerry:The book, George. The book that was right here.

George:Maybe you misplaced it.

Jerry:I know where I put my book, George.

George:Well it wasn't me!

Jerry:George, I have it on good authority that you took that book.

George:That's a lie!

Jerry:Is it? Because I have a witness.

George:Who?

Jerry:Kramer saw the whole thing.

George:Kramer?! Kramer's insane!

Kramer:That was beautiful! That was really beautiful!

Kramer:I'm not kidding, that moved me. That really moved me.

Kramer:You know, you're a very talented woman. A very talented woman.

Kramer:Hello!

Marion:Hello!

Kramer:Hello!

Marion:Hello.

Kramer:Hello?

Marion:Hi.

Bookman:You see, we librarians, we're here to enforce quiet. We're the guardians of the stacks. I myself have been shushing people for thirty-two years. And I have seen it all. I have seen people treat books like they were toys. I have seen them bend the spines, crack the binding, break the very soul of a book.

Bookman:But you, you are worse. You took a book and you never brought it back. Do you know what that means? That means someone's mother never finished that book. That means someone's father never got to read the ending. And there was this one woman, she waited forty-two years for that book, and when you didn't return it, she just... she gave up. She didn't have a private life.

Bookman:You know, we're living in a SOCIETY. We're supposed to act in a CIVIL way towards each other. It's a lot to ask! It's what differs us from the animals! But, I don't care anymore. This book is 30 years overdue. I have issued you several notices. You have ignored them. You have an old outstanding library fine of $27.50 plus penalties. I am going to recommend that the library board file a suit against you for recovery of this fine, to which they can add a filing charge, a research charge, and a stack-handling charge. You think this is a joke? The man that made this book possible, spent many months in the library, reading and writing. And then you waltz in with the cavalier attitude that you're gonna keep it for 30 years? See that? That's the call number. That means it's logged. We have computers now. Knowing that book is gone is just as real to us as if you walked into our home and stole our VCR. And, you know, you're gonna have to pay.

Jerry:Maybe it'll go great. You could really impress him.

Elaine:Oh, yeah, and maybe I'll sprout wings and fly to the moon. And maybe I'll turn into a chocolate chip cookie. And maybe the sun will rise in the west and set in the east. You know, Jerry, anything is possible!

Jerry:Why do you look so upset?

Kramer:I just came from this poetry reading down at the coffee shop. It was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!

Jerry:It was that bad?

Kramer:Bad? Jerry, there was a woman up there reading about her feelings. Her feelings! And the way she was reading it, like she was experiencing some kind of emotional breakthrough. And nobody was saying anything! Everyone was just sitting there, nodding along like it was profound!

Jerry:Well, poetry isn't for everyone.

Kramer:It's not for anyone! It's just people saying things that don't rhyme, in a weird voice, and everyone pretending it means something!

Mr. Lippman:Columbus? Eurotrash.

George:He smells like... he smells like the Lindbergh kidnapping.

Jerry · George:The flashback reveals George was given the book with the instruction 'Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.' George: 'Jerry, it's me, George. Don't worry. I'll return it tomorrow.'

George:I'm telling you, it was the most humiliating moment of my life. There I am, in the middle of the coffee shop, and this guy just grabs my pants and pulls them up so hard...

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. You got a wedgie? Like in high school?

George:Yes! A full wedgie! I'm a grown man!

Elaine:I didn't even know that was still possible after puberty.

Kramer:Oh, it's always possible, Jerry. Always.

Kramer · Librarian:The library after hours — Kramer and the librarian note 'You don't have to be quiet' and shout 'HELLO!' at each other for the echo.

George:There's no hard feelings, right?

Heyman:Hard feelings? I was in the Korean War!

Heyman:I've seen things you wouldn't believe!

Heyman:Hard feelings is the least of my problems!

Bookman:You know, we're living in a SOCIETY. We're supposed to ACT in a CERTAIN way. You return the book. Four days later a new book. You don't even give the previous book a chance to come in from the STACKs.

Bookman:And another thing - if you take a book out, you gotta read it. You can't just take it out and not read it. That's like going to a restaurant, ordering a steak, and then not eating it!

Bookman:But the worst thing you did - you mutilated our books. A library book is not a toy. I've seen the condition they come back in. They look like they've been dragged behind a car for three miles.

Bookman:You know what I'm gonna do? I'm coming after you. And it won't be gentle. I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey. Because I am CRAZY!

Bookman:My name is Mr. Bookman. I'm the head librarian. And I've been hearing some TROUBLING reports about you. You got a book out in 1971 and never returned it.

Jerry:So I'm very careful.

George Costanza:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George Costanza:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

George Costanza:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Jerry:You know what's strange about gym class? It's like Lord of the Flies. You got all these kids, no supervision, just chaos. By the end of the semester, someone's wearing a conch shell and making laws.

Jerry:You know what they make you do in gym class? Climb the rope. Who needs this skill? When are you gonna climb a rope in real life? 'Honey, I'm home!' 'Where were you?' 'I had to climb a rope across town, traffic was murder.'

Jerry:And then they make you do the Presidential Fitness Test. That's not exercise, that's humiliation. They're just documenting your failures.

Jerry:And the worst part? You gotta do it in front of everybody. Everyone watching you struggle. It's like a public execution of your athletic dreams.

Jerry:By the end of gym class, you're not even trying to get fit anymore. You're just trying to survive.

George:I get up to run away...but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear.

George:George: 'I get up to run away... but something was holding me back. It was Heyman. He had my underwear.'

George:Here I was on the steps of the 42nd Street library... a grown man... getting a wedgie.

George:George: 'At least it wasn't atomic.' [beat] 'It was.'

Jerry:So, Georgie boy, guess what happened to Tropic of Cancer.

Bookman:Bookman's final confrontation: 'Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?'

Bookman:Bookman: 'I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle.'

Jerry:Jerry watching Bookman leave: 'That is one tough monkey.'

Elaine:Elaine gave Lippman Marion's poems — 'the ones that affected Kramer so much' — and he didn't like them either.

George:Final scene: George sits muttering to himself, 'Can't stand you. Can't stand you. Can't stand you.' — apparently still processing the events

Heyman (offscreen):The closing tag: the four characters in their natural habitat, and we hear 'Can't stand you. Can't stand you. Can't stand you. Can't stand you.' — the phrase repeated as a final refrain.

Jerry:Stand-up closing bit: 'Any day that you had gym was a weird school day... You have English, geometry, social studies... and then suddenly you're like in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. You're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on.'

Jerry:'Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you. You're trying to survive. Then it's history, science, language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.'