The Library

Jerry:You ever think about ventriloquist dummies? They're creepy. I mean, the guy's throwing his voice, but the dummy's got this dead stare like it's seen things. Terrible things. Like it knows about the ventriloquist's personal life.

Jerry:And you know what really gets me? These dummies must have sex lives. I mean, think about it. The ventriloquist goes home at night, puts the dummy in the corner... and then what? Does he leave the room? Does the dummy just sit there, waiting? Frustrated?

Jerry:That's gotta be the worst relationship. 'Hey, I'm going out for milk. You just... sit here. Don't move. Don't even blink.' The dummy's like, 'This is my life now.'

Jerry:A wooden dummy? Who's gonna want to date a wooden dummy? I mean, what's the pickup line? 'Hey baby, I'm made of pine.' And if things get serious, what do you say? 'I think we need to talk about our relationship... you're giving me splinters.'

Jerry:Because wood equals kinky and head spinning ability

Jerry:We're supposed to believe the dummy is real. But the feet give it away by just dangling.

Jerry:I don't think this thing is real

Jerry:I got a library fine notice. A fine! For a book I returned in 1971. I'm being hunted by the Dewey Decimal System.

Jerry:Thirty years! They're coming after me now? What, did they just alphabetize? 'Oh look, here's a Jerry Seinfeld from three decades ago.'

Jerry:I'm going to jail. A library jail. Where the only reading material is overdue notices.

Jerry:Wait, is this a prank? Did someone put you up to this? No, no, no... okay, you got me. You got me. I fell for it completely. That's a good one, that's a good one.

Jerry:I owe $50,000 in library fines? That's insane! What did I do, lose the entire card catalog?

Jerry:A hundred thousand dollars?!

Jerry:For what, a coffee maker?

Jerry:I remember Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress.

Jerry:I remember her hair perfectly. It was like a cloud of auburn silk falling down her back, and when she turned to me, her eyes were just...

Elaine:It was Susan. From accounting. You went out with her twice.

Jerry:These people in the library, they don't want to buy the newspaper. So they go to the library, they read it for free. They're saving a quarter. A quarter! They're so cheap, they come to the library just to read the newspaper. And then they get the newspaper stuck to their fingers from the ink, and they're walking around shaking their hands like this, trying to get it off. They look like they're conducting an orchestra made of newspaper.

George:You know, the way they've organized this whole thing... it's like Dewey made money off a scam.

Jerry:See? Newspaper sticks.

Jerry:What is this obsession with newspaper sticks? They're just sticks wrapped in newspaper.

Kramer:Are you kidding? I need those for my apartment. They're perfect for organizing things, propping up shelves, all kinds of uses.

Jerry:Kramer, they fall apart after five minutes.

Kramer:That's the beauty of it! When they deteriorate, you just wrap more newspaper around them.

Kramer:She's got the library smell on her. You know, that old book, dust, and shushing smell. And those glasses on a chain? That's not a fashion choice, that's a cry for help. She's been organizing the same card catalog since 1987. I think she's given up on life, Jerry. I really do.

Kramer:She needs a man in her life.

Kramer:She needs me.

Kramer:She needs a little Kramer.

Jerry:Yeah, well, I'm not sure that's the kind of thing you want to catch.

Mr. Bookman:You see, Giddy up. I have no sympathy for you. I look out my window and I see the sales people on the street. I see the victims. They come up to me on the street, they got a temper. A lot of times, they want to spit. I don't judge them. You know why? Because I understand. I too have felt the shame of falling behind in my payments.

Mr. Bookman:And you know what the worst part is? It haunts me still. So I don't sleep well anymore. I wake up at night. I'm bathed in sweat and every time I close my eyes I see the overdue book. I see it... I see it with my name written on the front cover.

Mr. Bookman:Here's the thing. We're living in a SOCIETY. We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way. You know what I found? You don't return a book to the library. You know what that makes you? You know what that makes you? A thief. A common thief.

Mr. Bookman:So don't come crying to me about the ice cream man. I've never heard of a Cone. You gotta pay your debts to society, Seinfeld!

George:I think I know this guy. Yeah, I know him from somewhere.

George:Wait, no. No, I don't think so. He doesn't have a whistle.

Elaine:She got fired? George got a teacher fired? George! How did you manage that? That takes a special kind of incompetence.

Jerry:You know, school tattling is like a crime noir movie. You got your stool pigeons, your informants. There's always some kid in the back of the classroom, wearing a tiny fedora, ratting everybody out to the teacher. 'Yeah, see, Tommy pulled Sally's hair. I got the whole thing on a napkin.' The teacher's like the crime boss, running the whole operation from behind the desk.

Jerry:A library cop? They have cops in the library?

Jerry:What do they do, they arrest people for overdue books?

Jerry:I didn't know they had the resources for that kind of detective work.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right. I do need to spend more time at the library. I'm gonna start coming here regularly, you know, really get into the whole library thing.

Librarian:That's wonderful.

Kramer:Yeah, I'm gonna check out some books. Maybe some magazines. Do you have any books on how to meet women?

Elaine:Wait, did you hear how he said 'hello'? He said 'hello' like he was mad at me. Nobody says 'hello' like that unless they're upset. And then he said 'how are you?' but he didn't MEAN it. I could tell by the inflection. If someone really cared how you were, they'd say it differently. He's definitely mad at me.

Marie Barone:The water is cold.

George:I'm not responsible. I didn't do anything. It's not my fault she couldn't handle the stress of dating me.

George:My name is George. It's funny, it's a name, comedy gold. But my last name, Costanza - it's actually Italian for 'constant.' So really, I'm George Constant. But nobody calls me that. They call me George Costanza. You know what that sounds like? 'Can't stand ya.' That's what it sounds like! So my whole life, I've been walking around with a name that sounds like people can't stand me. No wonder I'm not doing so well!

Jerry:I remember gym class. There was this one kid who could climb the rope. Just went up like nothing. Me? I couldn't even get off the ground. I'd grab the rope, these straps would come down from above, I'd be hanging there like a piñata at a kid's birthday party. Teachers would just walk by like, 'Keep trying, Jerry.' Keep trying? I'm three feet off the ground!

Jerry:Her teeth looked like an exhumed corpse. And they were the color of baked beans.

Jerry:There's the standard wedgie, there's the atomic wedgie... The atomic wedgie is when they pull it all the way up in the back, and then they come around and grab it from the front. It's like a wishbone effect.

Elaine:You know, women are cruel in a different way than men. Men, they just punch you or kick you. Women, they mess with your head.

Jerry:It's like a library. You know, the library is just a government-funded pathetic friend.

Bookman:Instant coffee? You think I'm gonna waste my time with instant coffee? I want the real thing. I want to see the beans. I want to smell them. I want to grind them myself. That's coffee!

Bookman:But instant? That's not coffee, that's a hipster beverage. That's what they drink at those coffee shops where they charge you five dollars for a cup of bean water.

Bookman:You know what instant coffee is? It's the death of civilization. It's what they'll be drinking when the world ends and there's nothing left but cockroaches and instant coffee.

Bookman:You see, this is what it's all about. I'm the worlds greatest library cop. I know the feeling of power, of control over the patron. But what good is it when these people have no respect? No respect for the books, no respect for the library, and most importantly, no respect for the libraries themselves.

Bookman:You know what I'm talking about? Hippies! They come in here with their long hair, their tie-dye shirts, their sandals. No shoes! I'm asking you, how hard is it to wear a pair of shoes into a public library?

Bookman:You see, these books are like the very organs of our civilization. Without them, we'd be nothing but animals, grunting and scratching. And you, you come in here with your 'ding-dong' dangling out, thinking you can just walk out with our precious books!

Bookman:You know you're a 'joy-boy,' right? You think life is one big party.

Bookman:But let me tell you something — party time is over. You owe the library money, and that's a serious situation.

Jerry:You should leave work early.

Elaine:I can't just leave work early.

Jerry:Why not?

Elaine:Because I work there!

Jerry:I remember that day perfectly. How could I forget? You were chewing gum.

Jerry:I remember it was an orange dress.

Sherry:It was purple.

Jerry:No, it was definitely orange.

Sherry:Jerry, I was there. It was purple.

Jerry:I remember Black Jack gum. You could chew it and your tongue would turn black.

Sherry:No, that's not what happened. Black Jack gum was just regular gum. It didn't turn your tongue black at all.

Jerry:Wait, you read Tropic of Cancer?

Sherry:Yeah, it's about this guy traveling through Europe.

Jerry:That's not Tropic of Cancer. That's Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller - it's... it's very explicit. There's all kinds of stuff in there.

Sherry:What are you talking about? It's about a man going through Paris and—

Jerry:You read the wrong book.

Jerry:Wait a minute... George has the book!

Marion:My love is like a red, red rose, but also like a brick.

Elaine:That's... that's really something.

Marion:There's more. 'A brick that bleeds.'

Elaine:Wow. Brick imagery. Very bold choice.

Marion:Do you think it's publishable?

Elaine:Oh absolutely. People eat this stuff up. Total bestseller material.

Kramer:Hello?

Kramer:Hello... hello... hello...

Marion:Shhhhh!

Kramer:What? I'm just testing the acoustics.

Marion:This is a library!

Kramer:Well, it's a great echo in here.

Bookman:You see, giddy-up, I'm very busy. I've got a lot of things to do. But I'm gonna tell you something, Marion. You're in a lot of trouble. Your book was due back two weeks ago. And I'm gonna tell you something else. You're never gonna return this book. You're gonna die, and your children are gonna die, and your children's children are gonna die, and the book's still gonna be on the shelf marked 'overdue.' And there's not a damn thing anybody can do about it.

George:Maybe she's getting a raise.

Elaine:A raise? I can't even get a wedgie out of this place.

Elaine:Oh my God, this is terrible! This is the worst thing I've ever read in my entire life!

Elaine:I mean, 'roses are red, violets are blue' — at least those poems RHYME! This doesn't even make sense!

Elaine:How does someone even... how do you write something this bad? It's like you're not even trying!

Mr. Lippman:Columbus? He's a murderer. He's a slave trader. He's completely vile.

Jerry:Yeah, but he did discover America.

Mr. Lippman:So what? If I discovered a new restaurant, that doesn't make me a good person if I'm serving poisoned food.

George:Hey, man!

Heyman:What?

George:Hey, man! Get it? Hey... man? Your name is Heyman?

Jerry:A wedgie? That's terrible. How did that happen?

George:I was bending over to pick up a pencil, and this kid just came up behind me and...

Jerry:Well, at least it's over now.

George:Over? Jerry, it was a full nelson wedgie. The worst kind there is.

George:Do you have any hard feelings?

Heyman:Hard feelings? I'll tell you about hard feelings. My father worked in the salt mines for forty years. Forty years! His hands were so calloused, he couldn't feel his own children when he hugged them. That's hard feelings.

Jerry:That guy's a little intense.

Jerry:You know what gym class is? It's Lord of the Flies. A bunch of kids with no supervision, no rules. You got the strong kids dominating the weak kids. There's a social hierarchy that forms immediately. The athletic kids are in charge, everyone else is just trying to survive.

Jerry:You know, gym class really disrupts the whole day. You're in math class, you're doing fine, then suddenly it's gym time. You go downstairs, you're all sweaty, you come back up, now you're supposed to do algebra. Your brain is like scrambled eggs at this point. And then lunch comes, but you're not even hungry because you just exerted yourself. So the whole day is just... off.

George · Bookman:George confronts Jerry about the book: 'I hope there's no hard feelings.' / Bookman emerges: 'Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?'

Bookman:Bookman's final warning: 'You better not screw up again, Seinfeld. Because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle.'

Jerry:Jerry watches Bookman leave and says: 'That is one tough monkey.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine tells Jerry she gave Lippman the terrible poems that emotionally devastated Kramer. He didn't like them either.

George · Jerry:George on whether Heyman is still out there: 'Was he out there?' / 'No, he's gone.' / 'I wonder what happened to him.' / 'I guess we'll never know.' — Cut to homeless Heyman.

Heyman:Tag scene: Heyman sitting on the steps of the library, chanting 'Can't stand you. Can't stand you. Can't stand you.' to himself.

Jerry:Jerry's closing stand-up: 'Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. You know what I mean? It started off kind of normal. You have, like, English, geometry, social studies... and then suddenly, you're like in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.'

Jerry:Jerry continues: 'You're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you. You're trying to survive.'

Jerry:Jerry closes: 'Then it's history... science, language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.'