The Baby Shower

Jerry:You know what I hate about sweepstakes? The false hope. They say 'You may have already won!' May have? You either won or you didn't. There's no 'may have.' That's not how winning works.

Jerry:So I open the envelope, and it says 'Congratulations! You are a finalist!' Finalist? I'm not a finalist, I'm a loser. Just tell me I lost. Don't make me a finalist in losing.

Jerry:Then it gets worse. 'Important notification inside.' I open it: 'We regret to inform you...' Regret? Don't regret! You didn't promise me anything! Stop regretting my non-win!

Jerry:And the final one, the one that really gets you: 'Your entry was not selected.' Not selected? I wasn't even entered! I was rejected before I even started!

George:I would help you, but I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy. My chiropractor said my back is very delicate.

George:Plus, I just ate. You're not supposed to exert yourself right after eating. All the blood goes to your stomach.

George:That would be anathema to everything I stand for.

Jerry:Anathema? What are you, reading the Word-a-Day calendar?

George:I use it in conversation.

Jerry:You just learned what it means yesterday!

Jerry:Breaking that statue was traumatic. But you know what was worse? The time I realized I'd been pronouncing 'worcestershire' wrong my entire life.

Jerry:Okay, okay, let's settle this like adults.

Kramer:You're right, you're right.

George:Yeah, we should be mature about this.

Jerry:Rock, paper, scissors?

Kramer:Best two out of three!

George:On three! One, two, three!

Jerry:Wait, so you're saying if I point at you, you're automatically out?

George:No, no, no. You point, but only if you say 'eeny meeny' first.

Kramer:I thought you had to close your eyes!

Jerry:When? Before or after the pointing?

George:There is no after. Once you point, it's over.

Kramer:So what am I doing closing my eyes?

Jerry:Apparently nothing. You're doing nothing.

George:I look like I'm ready to solve a crime from 1987.

George:Wait, you cheated? At inka-dink?

Jerry:Yeah, I cheated.

George:You cheated at inka-dink?! That's... that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

Jerry:Well, I was losing!

Elaine:Maybe he's dead.

Ray:Hello, my dear friends. What a magnificent gathering of souls we have here this evening. The ambiance is simply divine, the company most exquisite.

Jerry:Ray, it's just us. We're watching TV.

Ray:Yes, but the way you're watching it—with such passion, such dedication. It's like witnessing Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel, except horizontal.

Ray:I promise you, I will clean this place from top to bottom. Every nook and cranny will sparkle like a diamond.

Jerry:Yeah, just use the sponge.

Jerry:'I can't believe I won at inka-dink.'

Jerry:I could never be a maid. I'd go crazy. I'd be in someone's house, and I'd start thinking, 'Why am I doing this? These people don't appreciate me. I'm cleaning their toilet, and they're out having brunch.'

Jerry:And then I'd start leaving little messages. I'd write in the dust on their nightstand: 'I was here. I cleaned. You're welcome.'

Jerry:Then I'd get more aggressive. I'd rearrange their furniture. Move their bed three inches to the left. Just enough so they notice something's different, but they can't figure out what.

Jerry:And finally, I'd just snap. I'd be standing in their living room with a mop, screaming, 'You know what? Clean it yourself! I'm done! You want a clean house? Get a job! Oh wait, you have a job. You just don't want to clean!'

Jerry:He cleaned it so thoroughly, it became uncoagulated.

Jerry:How did Ray get in there and clean it?

George:He's like a contortionist or something.

Jerry:A contortionist? What, like Gumby?

George:No, not like Gumby. Gumby's not a real person.

Jerry:I know Gumby's not a real person. I'm saying he bends like Gumby.

George:Oh. Well, yeah, I guess.

Ray · Jerry:'Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your safe arrival, sire.' / 'The toilet brush is under the sink.'

Jerry:With that kind of dramatic personality, Ray, you should be suicidal.

Elaine:Jerry!

Jerry:

Elaine:Jerry?

Jerry:What? Sorry, what?

Ray:This tea is like a gentle whisper of exotic flowers dancing across the misty mountains of a far-off land, with notes of jasmine and bergamot that transport you to a serene garden where time itself seems to pause in reverent silence.

Jerry:'He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups.'

Jerry:So, uh, how about those Knicks?

Jerry:'Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole.'

Jerry:I don't eat dinner. Dinner is a scam. They want you to believe you need three meals a day, but really it's just a conspiracy to sell more food. Breakfast, lunch, dinner — it's a triangle of lies. I'm out.

Ray:I didn't do anything wrong with Rava!

Jerry:What does Finland have to do with this?

George:You're a real moron.

Ray:What?

George:I said you're a real Mormon.

George:You know what? I'm tired of this! I'm tired of the excuses, the delays, the nonsense! Ray, you've had months—MONTHS—to handle this simple task and what have you done? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

Ray:George, I can explain—

George:No! No explanations! I don't want to hear another excuse! You know what your problem is? You're a liar, Ray. A big fat liar! And everybody knows it!

George:Wait a minute, you told me you graduated from Columbia!

Ray:I did graduate from Columbia.

George:Then why does it say here you went to Hofstra?

Ray:I went to Hofstra for two years, then I transferred to Columbia.

George:Oh, so you're a transfer student. Why didn't you just say that?

Ray:Because nobody cares where you transferred from.

George:I care! I care! This is important!

Jerry:So what's the deal with this whole situation?

Ray:What do you mean 'what's the deal'? You know exactly what this is about!

Jerry:Yeah, yeah, I know, but... real quick — do you have a spare button?

George:So what'd you do last night?

Rava:Oh, we had sex. It was great. We did it three times. The first time was really passionate, the second time was more sensual, and the third time I was just trying to get it over with so I could watch Seinfeld.

Elaine:Jerry, you're like a two-minute man.

Jerry:Two minutes? I thought I was doing pretty well.

Elaine:Well, you're not. You're a premature ejaculator.

Elaine:I mean, what are the odds of that happening?

Rava:It's not really a coincidence, it's just a statue.

Elaine:Just a statue? Rava, two people buying the same statue is definitely a coincidence.

Rava:No, no. A coincidence is when two unrelated things happen at the same time. This is just... a popular statue.

Elaine:So you're saying there's no such thing as a coincidence?

Rava:I'm saying most coincidences aren't really coincidences. They're just probabilities playing out.

Jerry:Jerry calls Ray: 'Hello, Ray? Hi, Ray. This is Rava's friend, Elaine's friend, Jerry.'

Jerry:My mother says to me, 'You handle disappointment so well.' I said, 'Yeah, I do handle it well.' She says, 'No, you don't. You're a wreck.'

George:We gotta do something about Ray. We can't just let him keep doing this.

George:I say we kill him.

George:He's going to face justice in the afterlife.

Jerry:What, my parents?

Kramer:You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney...

Kramer:Now spread 'em.

Kramer:I'm a cop.

Kramer:I'm a real cop.

Kramer:I'm a cop, dammit!

Kramer:I did nothing to Ray. I simply showed him a little, you know, tough love.

Jerry:Tough love? What does that mean?

Kramer:Well, if this were "The People's Court," I'd be the defendant. But it's not. So I'm just a guy who maybe gave Ray a little shove.

Jerry:People always say, 'Keep your wallet in your shoe.' Like a mugger is going to say, 'Alright, I got your watch, your rings, your necklace... wait, let me check the shoe.' Nobody looks in the shoe. It's the first place they look! It's like a mugger's treasure map.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about security. And I realize, the best security is no security. Because if nobody knows you have security, then nobody knows to break through it.

George:George erupts: 'I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!'

George · Ray:George calls out that Ray is not enrolled at Columbia under 'Ray Thomas' — Ray reveals his full legal name is 'Raymond Thomas Wochinski' and 'Ray Thomas is my professional name.' George: 'You mean alias.'

Ray · Jerry:'You are starting to make me angry.' / 'Well... that was bound to happen.'

Ray · Jerry:After the whole ugly confrontation, Ray delivers a gracious exit speech: 'I hope you think about what you've done here today. And if you wanna call and apologize, you know where to reach me.' Then Jerry asks: 'Hey, Ray. How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.'

Elaine · Rava:Elaine tells Jerry: 'No, we made love on the floor like two animals.' / 'Ray is insatiable.' / 'They all are.' / 'Was Jerry?' / 'I can't remember.'

George · Jerry:George asks Jerry: 'Nervous?' / Jerry: 'Why should I be?' — before meeting with Lippman

Elaine · Rava:Rava and Elaine's debate about 'big coincidences' vs. 'small coincidences' vs. just 'coincidences': 'No, that's a big coincidence.' / 'That's what a coincidence is. There are no small coincidences and big coincidences.' / 'No. There are degrees of coincidences.' / 'No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.'

Rava:Rava threatens: 'Maybe I put it out on your face.' — in response to Elaine asking her to put out her cigarette

Rava:'It's just like Ray said. You and Jerry, you're jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us.'

Elaine:Elaine repeats Jerry's earlier line to Rava: 'Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?'

Jerry:Jerry's mother calls about the statue: 'Ma, will you stop? It's just a statue. How is it my fault? It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.' / 'I don't see why this should affect the potatoes.'

Jerry · George:'She doesn't react to disappointment very well.' / 'Unlike me.' / 'I'm not happy about this.'

George:'Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window.'

Jerry · George:'This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.' / 'Really?' / 'Sure. Why not?'

Elaine:Elaine laments that instead of editing a major young talent's first novel she is 'proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.'

Elaine:'He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he doesn't think you're funny at all.'

Jerry:Jerry responds to learning he's not considered funny: 'I'm not happy about this.'

Kramer · Jerry:'Perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.' / 'Yeah, he'll have my parents.'

Kramer:Police raid — 'Freeze, mama!' / 'Shut up! Spread them. I said, spread them! You're in big trouble, son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.' / 'And murder!' / 'Murder?' / 'Shut up! Keep them spread. You just make love to that wall, pervert.'

Ray · Kramer (as cop):'Hey, are you a cop?' / 'Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop!'

Kramer (as cop) · Ray:'And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?' / 'I don't know what you're talking about.' / 'Good, good. Let's keep it that way.'

Kramer:'All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?'

George · Elaine · Jerry · Kramer:'Kramer, I can't believe it.' / 'Oh, you're my hero!' / 'Kramer, what did you do?' / 'Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Jerry:Stand-up: 'People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But everybody has their own little personal security things... You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?'

Jerry:'"I tied a bow. They can't get through that." "I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on."'