The Reverse Peephole

Jerry:Don't touch that, it's hot.

Elaine:How hot?

Jerry:Very hot.

Elaine:Well, I have to know what your threshold is.

Elaine:What is that? What are you wearing?

Puddy:It's a fur coat.

Elaine:A fur coat? On a man?

Puddy:Yeah, what's the problem?

Elaine:The problem is you look like a pimp.

Puddy:I look cool.

Jerry:What is this, a coat made of fur?

Puddy:It's man fur.

Jerry:Man fur? There's no such thing as man fur. It's just fur. Fur is fur. If it's on a man, it doesn't become 'man fur.'

Puddy:This is man fur.

Jerry:No, it's not. A man wearing a fur coat is a man in a fur coat, not a man in man fur.

Elaine:He's like a Norwegian Olympic skier in there!

Jerry:So what's the real reason you're against the fur coat?

Elaine:I'm not against fur coats. I'm against looking like an idiot walking around the city with Puddy.

George:So what do you need for an apartment-warming gift?

Jerry:I don't know, George. A toaster? A plant? Why does every life event require me to buy something?

George:It's tradition.

Jerry:Tradition? It's extortion with a Hallmark card. Birthday, wedding, baby shower, housewarming... when does it end? When do I get gifts for just existing?

George:You're overreacting.

Jerry:Am I? Next thing you know there'll be a 'apartment-cooling-off' party where I have to bring a gift for when someone moves out.

George:I have a sixth sense for deals. I can sense when something's a good deal.

Jerry:That's not a sixth sense, George. That's just regular stupidity.

Elaine:I'm the DJ now. I'm spinning records, I'm dropping beats, I'm keeping the party live. I'm like, 'Yo, check it out, I got the mad skills on the turntables.' And everyone's like, 'Elaine, you're killing it!' And I'm like, 'That's right, I'm the dopest DJ in the room.'

Kramer:Jerry, can I borrow your pliers?

Jerry:What happened? Did Newman get his head stuck in the mail slot again?

Newman:You see, with a reverse peephole, I can see out into the hallway without anyone seeing in.

Kramer:That's genius!

Newman:I know. One night, some maniac comes by with a sock full of pennies, starts swinging it around like a madman. But I see him first through my reverse peephole.

Kramer:A sock full of pennies?

Newman:It could happen.

Kramer:Well, why not? People look in windows all the time. What's the difference?

Jerry:The difference is they're not supposed to!

Kramer:Says who? I mean, if someone's walking by and they happen to glance in my window and see me in my underwear, is that a crime?

Jerry:Yes!

Kramer:I don't think so. I think it's their loss.

Kramer:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Jerry:Yeah, well, you gotta leave something to the imagination.

Kramer:The imagination, that's overrated!

Jerry:Alright, well, I think that's our cue. Thanks for coming, everybody!

Jerry:Has Newman got another Army man stuck in his ear?

Kramer:Look at this. I got a roll of hundreds.

Jerry:Yeah, and ones underneath.

Jerry:You need a wallet. What are you gonna do, just carry your money in your pocket? Your cards, your license?

Jerry:It's like saying you don't need a case for your glasses. Well, okay, but then your glasses get bent. Your cards get bent. Everything gets bent.

Jerry:And then what? You're walking around with bent cards? Bent money? You look like you've been through a dryer.

Jerry:A wallet is protection. It's a shield. Without it, you're just a guy with loose change and a dream.

Elaine:Wait, let me see that wallet.

George:What? It's fine.

Elaine:George, this thing is huge! How many animals died for this?

Puddy:Yeah, and my coat's real fur.

Elaine:I think more animals died for that wallet than your entire coat.

Elaine:George, why do you have Irish money in your wallet?

George:You never know when you're gonna need it.

Elaine:When? When are you ever going to need Irish money?

George:I don't know. An emergency. What if there's an Irish emergency?

Elaine:What is this? A coupon for a free appetizer at Mendy's from 1987?

George:Hey, that's still good!

Elaine:George, Mendy's closed in 1989.

George:So? There's no expiration date.

Newman:I'm going to be out on the street! Out on the street! Do you know what it's like out there? It's a nightmare!

Newman:I'll be pushing a shopping cart with all my possessions. A bent wire hanger, a half-eaten baloney sandwich, a shoe with no laces...

Newman:And it'll be raining. Always raining. Cold rain. And I'll be talking to myself, laughing at jokes only I understand.

Newman:People will cross the street to avoid me. Mothers will shield their children. 'Don't look, honey, it's Newman.'

Newman:I'll be alone. So alone. Eating from dumpsters behind the Korean deli. Sleeping in the park under the 59th Street Bridge.

George:You can't go wallet-free, Jerry. You need a wallet.

Jerry:Why? I don't carry anything.

George:Because you're a man. Men have wallets.

Jerry:Well, if you're against it, then I'm definitely doing it. You're always wrong about everything.

Joe Mayo:I need someone to organize my sock drawer.

Joe Mayo:You, fold these napkins.

Joe Mayo:And you, alphabetize my spice rack.

Jerry:Wait, this is a party, right?

Joe Mayo:Not anymore. Everyone's working.

Jerry:I wanted to be a musician, you know? I really did. But I realized I had no talent whatsoever.

Jerry:So now I just tell jokes. Which is basically the same thing, except nobody's trying to sleep with you.

Jerry:Although last week someone said my act was 'the bomb.' I said, 'Thank you, I really appreciate that.' Then I realized they meant it literally.

Elaine:I'd like you to meet someone. This is Cornelius.

Other character:Cornelius? Like from Planet of the Apes?

Elaine:No, just Cornelius.

Elaine:So what are you getting her for a wedding gift?

George:A card.

Elaine:A card? George, you have to get an actual gift.

George:I'm getting her a card. I'll sign it real nice. Maybe I'll even put my name on the back of a chair at the reception.

George:I might go there.

Jerry:So now you're a rock star. You just throw things out the window?

Jerry:So you're saying it's not your responsibility?

Elaine:Well, I didn't do it intentionally. If I didn't intend to do it, then how can I be responsible for it?

Jerry:Because you did it.

George:My back is killing me. I think it's this wallet. I've been carrying it in my back pocket for years.

Jerry:You know, you could just take it out.

George:I like to have it there. It makes me feel like I'm sitting on a lot of money.

Jerry:You're sitting on a lot of money? You're sitting on a lot of Blockbuster Video cards and pictures of dead relatives!

Jerry:George, that wallet is disgusting. It's falling apart.

George:So what? It still works.

Jerry:It's got a picture of you from 1987 in it.

George:That's my ID photo. I like to remember who I was.

Jerry:You were fat and angry.

George:I've been through a lot with this wallet. It's been there for me. It's like a friend.

Jerry:A friend? George, it's deteriorating in your back pocket.

George:Yeah, well, so am I. But you don't see me throwing myself away.

George:What is that? What's that sound?

George:Oh, that's just my wallet. I got a $20 bill in there from 1987. Sometimes it pops.

George:I also got a Blockbuster card, expired. Two movie stubs, a condom from high school, and I think that's a petrified french fry.

Woman:Could you carry all this stuff for me?

Jerry:I feel like a Dungeons & Dragons character with all these keys and accessories hanging off me.

Kramer:Oh my God! What is that?

Newman:It looks like a dead animal.

Kramer:No, no, no... it's my coat! I've been looking for that!

Kramer:Newman, I didn't know you could climb trees like that.

Newman:Well, you see, I grew up in a small town upstate where we didn't have much. Tree climbing was how we got around. It was faster than walking, and it kept us off the roads where the mail trucks were.

Jerry:I'm not carrying a purse!

Elaine:It's not a purse, it's a European carry-all.

Jerry:George, you're not a very good liar.

Kramer:Newman, you're like a little squirrel up there.

Newman:Yeah, well, I'm coming down!

Newman:Your apartment is a study in mediocrity. The furniture placement lacks any semblance of feng shui. And these colors? They scream 'I have no taste whatsoever.' You need to completely redecorate.

Newman:You know, Jerry, I've been doing some thinking about that mail tampering thing...

Jerry:Newman, what are you talking about?

Newman:Well, technically, I didn't tamper with the mail. I just... redirected it.

Jerry:That's tampering!

Newman:Is it though? I never opened it. I never read it. I simply made sure it got to where it needed to go.

Newman:Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Elaine:That's not how it works!

Newman:Oh, it's a very simple rule, Elaine. I found it, you lost it. I keep it, you weep.

Elaine:You know, Newman, you're really the best of my male friends.

Newman:Really?

Elaine:Oh yes. I mean, compared to Jerry, George, and Kramer, you're like... a prince.

Newman:Elaine, I know what this is. You're making your move.

Elaine:Newman, no, I'm not—

Newman:It's okay. I'm flattered, really. But I have to tell you something. I'm in love with someone else.

Elaine:You are?

Newman:Yes. And we've been together for three years.

Elaine:Who?

Newman:Your mother.

Newman:Is that a purse?

Jerry:It's not a purse, it's a European carry-all.

Newman:You're not European.

Jerry:Well, I'm living European.

Elaine:So what was your job at the party?

Jerry:My job? To keep you away from the DJ booth.

Elaine:What? Why would they need that?

Jerry:They heard you DJ.

Elaine:I'm a great DJ! I know all the right songs to play.

Elaine:Just because I said 'jiggly puff' that one time doesn't mean I don't know what I'm doing!

Kramer:Who is it?

Silvio:It's me, Silvio.

Kramer:I can't see you through the peephole.

Silvio:Well, I installed a reverse peephole so you could see out and I could see in.

Kramer:That's a great idea!

Silvio:Yeah, now I can see everything you're doing in there.

Silvio:Who would wear fur?

Kramer:Jerry would wear fur.

Kramer:You know what the problem is with these celebrities? They think the world revolves around them. I'm walking down the street, I see a celebrity, they don't even look at me. They're too busy looking at themselves in every store window.

Kramer:I go to a restaurant, the celebrity walks in, suddenly it's like I'm invisible. The waiter brings them water, it's like they just saved their life. 'Oh thank you, thank you!' Meanwhile I've been sitting there for twenty minutes, nobody even knows I exist.

Kramer:And don't even get me started on the photo ops. You try to take a picture with them, they act like you just asked them for a kidney. 'No, no pictures!' Meanwhile they've got fifty publicists taking pictures of them eating a sandwich.

Kramer:You know, if you don't wear that fur, I'm out of your life.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:That's right. No more Kramer. You'll never see me again.

Kramer:Here, take the Walkman back. We're even.

Jerry:Oh, you're giving it back? That's great because it was already broken when you borrowed it.

Elaine:Wait, is Joe Mayo even a real person?

Jerry:Of course he's real. He's on the jar.

Elaine:That doesn't mean anything! Aunt Jemima's not a real person!

George:I'm telling you, I got screwed! They completely screwed me!

Jerry:George, you lied to them.

George:So what? That doesn't mean they can screw me!

Jerry:George, you need help. That's a wallet. A leather rectangle. It's not your good friend.

George:You're carrying a purse!

Jerry:It's not a purse, it's a European carry-all.

George:It's a purse.

Jerry:Elaine uses one.

George:Elaine's a woman.

Jerry:So what? It's practical. It holds my stuff. A man can have nice things.

Kramer:Is that a purse?

Jerry:It's not a purse, it's a fur.

Kramer:It's a purse.

Jerry:It's a fur coat.

Kramer:You look like a woman.

Jerry:I don't care what it looks like. I'm not putting it back.

Kramer:Yeah, and what's the deal with those pants? You look like you're auditioning for a dinner theater production of 'Guys and Dolls.'

Kramer:And that shirt—is that a rental? Because no one would actually choose to wear that voluntarily.

Jerry · Newman:Where did you learn to climb trees like that? / The Pacific Northwest.

Silvio:Who is Joe Mayo?

Kramer:Joe Mayo? He's a made guy.

Police:So you're reporting a stolen carryall?

Jerry:Yes, that's right.

Police:And what exactly was in this carryall?

Jerry:Well, my wallet, some keys, a few personal items.

Police:Sir, that's a purse.

Jerry:It's a carryall!

Police:It's a purse.

Jerry:A carryall! A man can have a carryall without it being a purse.

Police:It's a purse.

Jerry:Fine. It's a purse. My purse was stolen.

George · Kramer:What is that noise? / That's my toaster. I gotta go.

Puddy:Yeah, I'm not wearing the fur coat anymore.

Jerry:Oh really? What changed your mind?

Puddy:I don't know. I just thought about it, and it's not me.

Jerry:Well, that's great. I mean, good for you.

Puddy:Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't wear something like that.

Puddy:I ask it a question.

Puddy:It gives me an answer.

George:It's a coat.

Puddy:It's a lot more than a coat.

Elaine · Jerry:Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats. / Go down to 88th Street. They're free. / What are you talking about? / Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur.

Elaine:88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat.

Kramer · George:What was that pop sound? / Well, I had some hard candy in there.

Newman:This is very much as I imagined it to be. / Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.

Newman · Elaine:This isn't about my opening your mail? / What? / I don't. Never have. Anything I read was already open.

Newman:Sorry, climber's keepers.

Elaine · Newman:Of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years. / Well, it's interesting work. I don't mind it.

Newman:How I've waited for this moment. / But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife. / And I have given the coat to her.

Newman:For I am in love with Svetlana. I don't care if the whole world knows except for Silvio, who'd throw me out of the apartment where I'd be dancing...

Unknown · Jerry:Nice carryall. / It's European.

Jerry:I can never find anything in here. / Oh, here it is.

Kramer · Jerry:So that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? / What was your job? / My job was to keep you away from the music. / What? He doesn't like my taste in music? / Guess not.

Kramer:I can see you through the reverse peephole. [Kramer sees Silvio coming]

Silvio · Kramer:Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room, but I think it is a gift from that postman agitator. / Where is he? / Now, relax, Silvio. / No, that's it. You're both out.

Silvio · Kramer:What kind of a man would wear fur? / Oh, lots of them. / Would you? / No. / Then who? / What about Jerry? / Jerry? / Yeah, sure. He's a celebrity. / Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.

Silvio · Kramer · Newman:What kind of a man would wear fur? / Oh, lots of them. / Would you? / No. / Then who? / What about Jerry? / Jerry? / Yeah, sure. He's a celebrity. / Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.

Kramer:'It's all about me, me, me. Please look at me. I am so pretty. Love me. Want me.'

Jerry · Kramer:Something like that. / I have to do what? / All you have to do is wear the fur, so Silvio thinks it's yours.

Kramer · Jerry:Then Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building. Is that right? / All right. Why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?

Kramer · Jerry:Newman too. / Oh, come on, man.

Kramer · Jerry:If you do it, I'll give you that Walkman you're always asking about. / That's my Walkman. / And you'll get it back.

Jerry:Hey, and by the way, that Walkman was broke when you gave it to me.

Kramer · George:You get that chair? / It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop riding me? / Just call up and cancel it. I'm out. / Excuse me? / Joe doesn't like my taste in music. He's not getting a gift from me.

Newman:Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking about?

Newman:And frankly, it sounds made-up.

Kramer · George:I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us? / I needed it. My back is a little tweaked.

George · Jerry:I will just return the chair and it will be easy because the receipt is in my good friend. / Your good friend is morbidly obese.

George · Jerry:Well, at least I'm not carrying a purse. / It's not a purse. It's European.

Kramer:All right, Silvio's down there, he's shoveling the walk. All you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper and come back.

Jerry · Kramer:How do I look? / Odd.

Jerry:'Learn guitar. First lesson free.' [Jerry strolling in fur reads a flyer]

George:My receipts. The chair. My tiger poster.

Jerry:Hey, Silvio. Just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.

Silvio · Jerry:Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention. / That's true.

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry, you forgot your purse. / Oh, thanks.

Kramer · Jerry:Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. / Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.

Jerry · Silvio · Kramer:Maybe this isn't my coat. / Yeah, all right, you're not fancy. / No. He's very fancy. 'Want me. Love me. Shower me with kisses.'

Joe Mayo · Jerry:Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat. / No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy.

Silvio · Joe Mayo · Jerry · Kramer:If that is not his coat, who's coat is it? / It's Joe Mayo's coat. / Who's Joe Mayo? / It must be the man that's sleeping with your wife.

Jerry · Police Officer:Somebody took my European carryall. / Your what? / The black leather thing with a strap. / You mean a purse? / Yes, a purse. I carry a purse.

Elaine · Jerry:So Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo? / Yeah, he's waiting inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies. / Should have had a reverse peephole.

Puddy:Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy.

Puddy:Check it out. Eight ball. 'You got a question? You ask the 8 Ball.'

Elaine · Puddy:You're gonna wear this all the time? / All signs point to yes.