The Dealership

Jerry:You know what I realized? We were promised flying cars. Remember? When we were kids, flying cars were supposed to be here by now.

George:I know! I've been waiting my whole life for a flying car.

Jerry:And nothing! We got the internet, we got cell phones, we got... we got nothing that matters. No flying cars.

George:I would've settled for just one flying car. Just to see it.

Jerry:We're never getting them, George. It's not happening. We're stuck on the ground like animals.

Jerry:Wait, Ed Begley Jr. has a flying car?

George:That's what I heard.

Jerry:A flying car? Ed Begley Jr.?

George:Yeah, why?

Jerry:Well, it's electric.

George:So?

Jerry:So? It doesn't fly. It just... hovers three inches off the ground at two miles per hour.

Jerry:It's interesting how we talk about freedom in this country. On the ground, you can do whatever you want. You can walk around, you can run, you can skip, you can do cartwheels down the street. Nobody cares. But the moment you get in an airplane, suddenly the government has all these rules. 'You have to sit down. You have to keep your seatbelt fastened. You can't move around.' It's like, 'Hey, I thought this was America! I'm 30,000 feet in the air and I have less freedom than I do on the ground!'

Kramer:Nice car, Jerry.

Jerry:Thanks.

Kramer:You know, I could really use a car like this.

Jerry:Well, you can't have it.

Kramer:Oh, come on. Just let me take it for a spin.

Jerry:No. Absolutely not.

Kramer:Why not?

Jerry:Because the last time I let you borrow something, you returned it in pieces.

Kramer:That was one time!

Jerry:It was my good watch.

Jerry:I'm buying the car.

George:You're buying the car? Just like that? You're not gonna negotiate?

Jerry:What's to negotiate? He's got a price, I pay it.

George:You don't negotiate with a car dealer! That's like going to a hooker and paying the asking price!

George:I can't believe they want that much for this car! It's insane! Do you know what I could do with that money?

Jerry:Yeah, and look — there's your stress vein.

George:So Puddy's a car salesman now? That's perfect for him.

Jerry:Why is that perfect?

George:Because as a mechanic, he was ripping people off secretly. Now he can do it right out in the open.

George:My father's friend was supposed to help me get a car. Instead, he sold my father this ridiculous French sedan.

George:Do you know what it's like to be a kid and have your father pull up in a French car? The other kids laughed at me for years.

George:I'm still in therapy because of that car.

Rick:So you're Jerry's manager?

Kramer:No, I'm just a neighbor.

George:You see, the key is the clammy hands. It's a good non-verbal way of saying, 'I'm anxious, but I'm willing to do this.'

Salesman:Can I help you?

George:Yes! Yes, you can help me! Why are you touching me?! Get your hands off me! I know what you're doing!

Elaine:Jerry, this is romantic! Candlelight, soft music...

Jerry:Yeah, well, don't get too excited. I made reservations at Arby's.

Elaine:Arby's? That's not romantic!

Jerry:What? They have the roast beef sandwiches. It's like a five-star meal if you close your eyes and think really hard.

Puddy:I'm getting the salmon.

Jerry:I'm thinking about getting a new car.

Puddy:Yeah? What kind?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe a Saab.

Pudty:A Saab? High five!

Kramer:I gotta test drive this car on my route.

Jerry:Where are you going?

Kramer:You'll see.

Jerry:So what, I'm supposed to go in there and say 'Le George'?

George:Not 'Le George,' just George. But the way you say it — it's like you're doing me a favor.

Jerry:Oh, I see. So it's not about the name, it's about the attitude.

George:Exactly! And don't smile like that — they can see you through the glass!

Jerry:I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by 'grease monkey.' It's just a figure of speech.

Puddy:Well, you know, monkeys are actually very intelligent animals. They can solve problems, use tools...

Jerry:Yeah, I know, but—

Puddy:So if a monkey can get greasy working on cars, that's actually pretty impressive.

Jerry:Wait, you know about Koko the gorilla?

Puddy:Yeah, she's great. She understands sign language, she's got a kitten she takes care of...

Jerry:I know, she's incredible.

Puddy:We should high-five on that.

Jerry:No, no more high-fives.

George:What's going on here? You two are like best friends now.

Jerry:We were just talking about the monkey at the zoo.

George:The monkey?

Jerry:Yeah, Puddy was saying how the monkey kept staring at him, and I said maybe the monkey thought he was a monkey too.

Elaine:The copy machine is broken again.

Jerry:Broken? It's not broken, it's being sabotaged. Think about it — every time you need to make a copy, it jams. Every single time. That's not a malfunction, that's a conspiracy.

Elaine:Jerry, it's just a machine.

Jerry:That's what they want you to think. Who benefits from a broken copy machine? The copy machine company — they sell more machines. It's all connected.

Jerry:The high-five is just a primitive gesture. It's like a Nazi salute, except instead of 'Heil Hitler,' it's 'Heil-five!'

Elaine:You told that joke about the airplane peanuts five years ago!

Jerry:So? It's still funny. Besides, comedy is timeless. A good joke never gets old.

Elaine:Jerry, you can't just recycle material. You have to come up with new stuff.

Jerry:Why not? People forget. And even if they remember, they want to hear it again. It's like a song you love—you don't stop listening to it just because you've heard it before.

Puddy:Your girlfriend's been cleared by her doctor. You can have relations again.

Jerry:Oh, that's great news!

Puddy:High five!

George:You got change for a dollar?

Mechanic:No.

George:You don't have change for a dollar?

Mechanic:No, I don't.

George:How can you not have change for a dollar? You're a mechanic. You work on cars. You must make hundreds of dollars a day.

Mechanic:I don't have change.

George:Oh, that's beautiful. You know what? You're a very nice man. You know that? You're really nice. I mean, I don't know what I was thinking before.

George:You're scroogie? What kind of a name is Scroogie? That's a great name though, really. Scroogie!

Kramer:You see, this car has a supplemental restraint system.

Woman:What does that mean?

Kramer:Well, if we're driving and I have to stop suddenly, these straps will hold you in place so you don't go flying.

George:I got over it. I was lying face down in the dirt outside a vending machine, and I realized I had hit rock bottom. And I thought, 'You know, this is it. This is the lowest point of my life.' And I thought, 'It can't get any worse.' So, it didn't.

Jerry:So you're okay with it now?

George:No, I still have a weird hang-up about lying face down in filth.

George:It's like fishing. You cast your line out there, wait for a bite. The fish doesn't know he's being caught.

Jerry:So the customer is the fish?

George:Of course! And Puddy, he's reeling you in.

George:I want my dollar back.

Jerry:I can't give it back to you.

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because I already spent it.

George:You spent my dollar?

Jerry:Well, it got all wrinkled up. I didn't think you'd want it back looking like that.

Kramer:So I'm on this test drive, right? I'm cruising around, feeling good...

Rick:How long have you been out there?

Kramer:I dunno, few hours. But here's the thing - I haven't looked at the gas gauge.

Rick:You haven't looked at the gas gauge?

Kramer:Not once. I've just been enjoying the ride.

Rick:Kramer, you should probably check that.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah... Oh. We're on empty.

George:Where's my Twix? I put my money in, I pressed the button, nothing came out. So I pressed it again.

George:A Twix falls out. I pick it up, I'm satisfied. I go back an hour later, the Twix is gone!

George:Someone took my Twix out of that machine. And I know who it was.

George:It was Kramer. He's the only one who knew about it. He probably came down here, saw my Twix, and took it.

Puddy:High five!

Elaine:No.

Puddy:Come on, on the flip side.

Elaine:What does that mean?

Pudty:Don't leave me hanging.

Elaine:You can't just high-five everybody. You're not a golden retriever.

Puddy:You, stupid.

Puddy:Yeah, I think we should see other people.

Elaine:What? Why?

Puddy:I don't know, I just think it's time.

Elaine:But... we're good together.

Puddy:Yeah, but... high five!

Elaine:What?

Jerry:Wait, how do you start the car without keys?

Puddy:You push the button.

George:You ate my Twix!

Mechanic:I did not eat your Twix.

George:There's chocolate on your shirt!

Mechanic:I like chocolate, I eat chocolate all the time.

George:Not Twix chocolate. This is a very specific chocolate. I can tell by the nougat density.

George:It's not nougat! You're making this up! I know candy. I know the five main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.

Mechanic:You see that vein?

George:Yeah, I know about the vein.

George:It was like Mad Max Thunderdome out there! Two men enter, one man leaves!

Kramer:I coasted into a gas station on fumes. I'm passed out on the steering wheel, and when I come to, the tank is full!

Jerry:Someone filled your tank?

Kramer:Yeah! Some good Samaritan. I never saw who it was.

Jerry:George, you gotta use the vein. You know, when you get angry, that vein in your forehead pops out. That's your weapon.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm serious! Women find that intimidating. Next time someone upsets you, just let that vein do the talking.

George:I'm starving. My stomach is eating itself.

Jerry:That's not possible.

George:My pancreas is filing a lawsuit against my liver. My kidneys have already retained counsel.

Kramer:I'm alive, baby! I'm alive!

Rick:Kramer, you need to get gas.

Kramer:No! No, I'm not stopping now. I've got a good feeling about this.

Rick:You're going to run out of gas in the middle of nowhere!

Kramer:That's the beauty of it, Rick. That's the beauty.

Kramer:It's like Thelma and Louise.

Rick:They drove off a cliff.

Kramer:Yeah, well, they didn't jump. They drove off a cliff. There's a difference.

Kramer:That's what I'm saying - they went out on their own terms. No one made them do it.

Jerry:You gotta get back with Puddy.

Elaine:What? Why would I do that?

Jerry:He's got a great deal on a car. You'd be doing me a favor.

Elaine:Oh, so let me get this straight. You want me to get back together with a man I broke up with so you can save a few hundred dollars on a car?

Jerry:When you say it like that, it sounds bad.

Elaine:Oh no, that's very sweet. That's really considerate of you. I'm gonna go cry now.

Manager:When did you bring your car in?

George:Three weeks ago.

Manager:Three weeks? What have you been doing?

George:What have I been doing? I've been watching you people throw my money down the toilet! It's like flushing hundred dollar bills!

George:The thing about a Twix is the cookie. It's got a snap to it. A crunch. When you bite into a Twix, you hear a crunch. That's what makes it special.

Manager:Mr. Costanza, you stole a candy bar.

George:I didn't steal it. I forgot to pay for it. But the point is, the Twix has this unique cookie structure that you don't get with other bars. It's not just chocolate. It's the combination of the caramel, the chocolate, and that cookie crunch.

George:I want justice! This coffee cost 75 cents and it's not even hot!

Cashier:Sir, it's just coffee...

George:Just coffee?! Do you know who I am? I'm George Costanza. I demand to speak to the manager.

Manager:What seems to be the problem?

George:The problem is your employee sold me cold coffee. I think they should be fired.

Manager:Fired? Over 75 cents?

George:It's not about the money. It's about principle. Standards! If we let this slide, what's next? Cold soup? Stale donuts? Chaos!

Manager's father:It's a Twix. You have two sticks. Two for me, one for you.

George:What are you talking about? There's no coconut in a Twix.

Manager's father:Of course there's coconut! It's a Twix!

George:No, there's caramel and chocolate. That's it. No coconut.

Manager's father:You're crazy. I've been eating Twix my whole life. There's definitely coconut.

Jerry:Look, I've been thinking about you two, and I have to be honest with you.

Jerry:You're both unbearable. Elaine, you're critical and overbearing. Puddy, you're dense and annoying.

Jerry:You deserve each other.

Elaine:Excuse me?

Puddy:Yeah, what's your problem, man?

Jerry:My problem? You're my problem. Both of you.

Jerry:So you're having issues with your girlfriend?

Jerry:Look, here's what you do. You use the car salesman close. You say, 'I can get you into this relationship for the same monthly payment as your last one.'

Jerry:Then you throw in the undercoating - that's the couple's massage package.

Kramer:You know, we're living in a world of bladders, Jerry. A world of bladders. But some men, some men choose to run on empty. They don't need the petty concerns of a full tank. They're free. They're alive. And when they finally sputter to a stop on some desolate highway, their legacy lives on. Not in the things they accomplished, but in the sheer audacity of their emptiness.

George:I got it. I got the answer key. I'm gonna hold it right here. And I'm gonna make them sweat.

George:I've arranged these candies in a very specific order for a reason.

Employee:What reason?

George:To determine which one is the best. Now, nobody touch anything.

Employee:Got it.

George:I'm serious. This is a scientific study.

Employee:We'll leave it alone.

George:Thank you.

Employee:Hey, these look good!

George:No! Stop! You've ruined everything!

George:Wait a minute. These are all Twix.

George:You sold me a box of all Twix!

Employee:So?

George:So? So you can't just put all the same candy in a box. That's false advertising!

Employee:It's a Twix box.

George:I thought there was variety! I thought I was getting a nice assortment!

George:Twix!

Kramer:The gas gauge needle broke off from going so low.

Elaine:Why won't you give me a high-five?

Jerry:Because once you start doing high-fives, where does it end? Next thing you know, you're doing the wave at baseball games, you're wearing a foam finger, you're going to monster truck rallies.

Elaine:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:Is it? Is it really?

George:Well, I was trying to set up Elaine with... you know what? I don't even know what I was thinking. The whole thing was ridiculous from the beginning.

Frank Costanza:I remember when a loaf of bread was a nickel.

Jerry:Yeah, and I remember when you had hair.