The Dealership

Jerry:You know what I realized? We were promised flying cars. Remember? When we were kids, flying cars were supposed to be here by now.

George:I know! I've been waiting my whole life for a flying car.

Jerry:And nothing! We got the internet, we got cell phones, we got... we got nothing that matters. No flying cars.

George:I would've settled for just one flying car. Just to see it.

Jerry:We're never getting them, George. It's not happening. We're stuck on the ground like animals.

Jerry:Wait, Ed Begley Jr. has a flying car?

George:That's what I heard.

Jerry:A flying car? Ed Begley Jr.?

George:Yeah, why?

Jerry:Well, it's electric.

George:So?

Jerry:So? It doesn't fly. It just... hovers three inches off the ground at two miles per hour.

Jerry:It's interesting how we talk about freedom in this country. On the ground, you can do whatever you want. You can walk around, you can run, you can skip, you can do cartwheels down the street. Nobody cares. But the moment you get in an airplane, suddenly the government has all these rules. 'You have to sit down. You have to keep your seatbelt fastened. You can't move around.' It's like, 'Hey, I thought this was America! I'm 30,000 feet in the air and I have less freedom than I do on the ground!'

Kramer:Nice car, Jerry.

Jerry:Thanks.

Kramer:You know, I could really use a car like this.

Jerry:Well, you can't have it.

Kramer:Oh, come on. Just let me take it for a spin.

Jerry:No. Absolutely not.

Kramer:Why not?

Jerry:Because the last time I let you borrow something, you returned it in pieces.

Kramer:That was one time!

Jerry:It was my good watch.

Jerry:I'm buying the car.

George:You're buying the car? Just like that? You're not gonna negotiate?

Jerry:What's to negotiate? He's got a price, I pay it.

George:You don't negotiate with a car dealer! That's like going to a hooker and paying the asking price!

George:I can't believe they want that much for this car! It's insane! Do you know what I could do with that money?

Jerry:Yeah, and look — there's your stress vein.

George:So Puddy's a car salesman now? That's perfect for him.

Jerry:Why is that perfect?

George:Because as a mechanic, he was ripping people off secretly. Now he can do it right out in the open.

Kramer · Jerry:That's good suspension. / Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it.

George:My father's friend was supposed to help me get a car. Instead, he sold my father this ridiculous French sedan.

George:Do you know what it's like to be a kid and have your father pull up in a French car? The other kids laughed at me for years.

George:I'm still in therapy because of that car.

Rick:So you're Jerry's manager?

Kramer:No, I'm just a neighbor.

George:You see, the key is the clammy hands. It's a good non-verbal way of saying, 'I'm anxious, but I'm willing to do this.'

Salesman:Can I help you?

George:Yes! Yes, you can help me! Why are you touching me?! Get your hands off me! I know what you're doing!

Elaine:Jerry, this is romantic! Candlelight, soft music...

Jerry:Yeah, well, don't get too excited. I made reservations at Arby's.

Elaine:Arby's? That's not romantic!

Jerry:What? They have the roast beef sandwiches. It's like a five-star meal if you close your eyes and think really hard.

Puddy:I'm getting the salmon.

Jerry:I'm thinking about getting a new car.

Puddy:Yeah? What kind?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe a Saab.

Pudty:A Saab? High five!

Kramer:I gotta test drive this car on my route.

Jerry:Where are you going?

Kramer:You'll see.

Jerry:So what, I'm supposed to go in there and say 'Le George'?

George:Not 'Le George,' just George. But the way you say it — it's like you're doing me a favor.

Jerry:Oh, I see. So it's not about the name, it's about the attitude.

George:Exactly! And don't smile like that — they can see you through the glass!

Jerry:I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by 'grease monkey.' It's just a figure of speech.

Puddy:Well, you know, monkeys are actually very intelligent animals. They can solve problems, use tools...

Jerry:Yeah, I know, but—

Puddy:So if a monkey can get greasy working on cars, that's actually pretty impressive.

Jerry:Wait, you know about Koko the gorilla?

Puddy:Yeah, she's great. She understands sign language, she's got a kitten she takes care of...

Jerry:I know, she's incredible.

Puddy:We should high-five on that.

Jerry:No, no more high-fives.

George:What's going on here? You two are like best friends now.

Jerry:We were just talking about the monkey at the zoo.

George:The monkey?

Jerry:Yeah, Puddy was saying how the monkey kept staring at him, and I said maybe the monkey thought he was a monkey too.

Elaine:The copy machine is broken again.

Jerry:Broken? It's not broken, it's being sabotaged. Think about it — every time you need to make a copy, it jams. Every single time. That's not a malfunction, that's a conspiracy.

Elaine:Jerry, it's just a machine.

Jerry:That's what they want you to think. Who benefits from a broken copy machine? The copy machine company — they sell more machines. It's all connected.

Jerry:The high-five is just a primitive gesture. It's like a Nazi salute, except instead of 'Heil Hitler,' it's 'Heil-five!'

Elaine:You told that joke about the airplane peanuts five years ago!

Jerry:So? It's still funny. Besides, comedy is timeless. A good joke never gets old.

Elaine:Jerry, you can't just recycle material. You have to come up with new stuff.

Jerry:Why not? People forget. And even if they remember, they want to hear it again. It's like a song you love—you don't stop listening to it just because you've heard it before.

Puddy:Your girlfriend's been cleared by her doctor. You can have relations again.

Jerry:Oh, that's great news!

Puddy:High five!

George:You got change for a dollar?

Mechanic:No.

George:You don't have change for a dollar?

Mechanic:No, I don't.

George:How can you not have change for a dollar? You're a mechanic. You work on cars. You must make hundreds of dollars a day.

Mechanic:I don't have change.

George:Oh, that's beautiful. You know what? You're a very nice man. You know that? You're really nice. I mean, I don't know what I was thinking before.

George:You're scroogie? What kind of a name is Scroogie? That's a great name though, really. Scroogie!

Kramer:You see, this car has a supplemental restraint system.

Woman:What does that mean?

Kramer:Well, if we're driving and I have to stop suddenly, these straps will hold you in place so you don't go flying.

George:I got over it. I was lying face down in the dirt outside a vending machine, and I realized I had hit rock bottom. And I thought, 'You know, this is it. This is the lowest point of my life.' And I thought, 'It can't get any worse.' So, it didn't.

Jerry:So you're okay with it now?

George:No, I still have a weird hang-up about lying face down in filth.

George:It's like fishing. You cast your line out there, wait for a bite. The fish doesn't know he's being caught.

Jerry:So the customer is the fish?

George:Of course! And Puddy, he's reeling you in.

George:I want my dollar back.

Jerry:I can't give it back to you.

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because I already spent it.

George:You spent my dollar?

Jerry:Well, it got all wrinkled up. I didn't think you'd want it back looking like that.

Kramer:So I'm on this test drive, right? I'm cruising around, feeling good...

Rick:How long have you been out there?

Kramer:I dunno, few hours. But here's the thing - I haven't looked at the gas gauge.

Rick:You haven't looked at the gas gauge?

Kramer:Not once. I've just been enjoying the ride.

Rick:Kramer, you should probably check that.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah... Oh. We're on empty.

George:Where's my Twix? I put my money in, I pressed the button, nothing came out. So I pressed it again.

George:A Twix falls out. I pick it up, I'm satisfied. I go back an hour later, the Twix is gone!

George:Someone took my Twix out of that machine. And I know who it was.

George:It was Kramer. He's the only one who knew about it. He probably came down here, saw my Twix, and took it.

Puddy:High five!

Elaine:No.

Puddy:Come on, on the flip side.

Elaine:What does that mean?

Pudty:Don't leave me hanging.

Elaine:You can't just high-five everybody. You're not a golden retriever.

Puddy:You, stupid.

Puddy:Yeah, I think we should see other people.

Elaine:What? Why?

Puddy:I don't know, I just think it's time.

Elaine:But... we're good together.

Puddy:Yeah, but... high five!

Elaine:What?

Jerry:Wait, how do you start the car without keys?

Puddy:You push the button.

George:You ate my Twix!

Mechanic:I did not eat your Twix.

George:There's chocolate on your shirt!

Mechanic:I like chocolate, I eat chocolate all the time.

George:Not Twix chocolate. This is a very specific chocolate. I can tell by the nougat density.

George:It's not nougat! You're making this up! I know candy. I know the five main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.

Mechanic:You see that vein?

George:Yeah, I know about the vein.

George:It was like Mad Max Thunderdome out there! Two men enter, one man leaves!

Kramer:I coasted into a gas station on fumes. I'm passed out on the steering wheel, and when I come to, the tank is full!

Jerry:Someone filled your tank?

Kramer:Yeah! Some good Samaritan. I never saw who it was.

Jerry:George, you gotta use the vein. You know, when you get angry, that vein in your forehead pops out. That's your weapon.

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm serious! Women find that intimidating. Next time someone upsets you, just let that vein do the talking.

George:I'm starving. My stomach is eating itself.

Jerry:That's not possible.

George:My pancreas is filing a lawsuit against my liver. My kidneys have already retained counsel.

Kramer:I'm alive, baby! I'm alive!

Rick:Kramer, you need to get gas.

Kramer:No! No, I'm not stopping now. I've got a good feeling about this.

Rick:You're going to run out of gas in the middle of nowhere!

Kramer:That's the beauty of it, Rick. That's the beauty.

Kramer:It's like Thelma and Louise.

Rick:They drove off a cliff.

Kramer:Yeah, well, they didn't jump. They drove off a cliff. There's a difference.

Kramer:That's what I'm saying - they went out on their own terms. No one made them do it.

Jerry:You gotta get back with Puddy.

Elaine:What? Why would I do that?

Jerry:He's got a great deal on a car. You'd be doing me a favor.

Elaine:Oh, so let me get this straight. You want me to get back together with a man I broke up with so you can save a few hundred dollars on a car?

Jerry:When you say it like that, it sounds bad.

Elaine:Oh no, that's very sweet. That's really considerate of you. I'm gonna go cry now.

Manager:When did you bring your car in?

George:Three weeks ago.

Manager:Three weeks? What have you been doing?

George:What have I been doing? I've been watching you people throw my money down the toilet! It's like flushing hundred dollar bills!

George:The thing about a Twix is the cookie. It's got a snap to it. A crunch. When you bite into a Twix, you hear a crunch. That's what makes it special.

Manager:Mr. Costanza, you stole a candy bar.

George:I didn't steal it. I forgot to pay for it. But the point is, the Twix has this unique cookie structure that you don't get with other bars. It's not just chocolate. It's the combination of the caramel, the chocolate, and that cookie crunch.

George:I want justice! This coffee cost 75 cents and it's not even hot!

Cashier:Sir, it's just coffee...

George:Just coffee?! Do you know who I am? I'm George Costanza. I demand to speak to the manager.

Manager:What seems to be the problem?

George:The problem is your employee sold me cold coffee. I think they should be fired.

Manager:Fired? Over 75 cents?

George:It's not about the money. It's about principle. Standards! If we let this slide, what's next? Cold soup? Stale donuts? Chaos!

Manager's father:It's a Twix. You have two sticks. Two for me, one for you.

George:What are you talking about? There's no coconut in a Twix.

Manager's father:Of course there's coconut! It's a Twix!

George:No, there's caramel and chocolate. That's it. No coconut.

Manager's father:You're crazy. I've been eating Twix my whole life. There's definitely coconut.

Jerry:Look, I've been thinking about you two, and I have to be honest with you.

Jerry:You're both unbearable. Elaine, you're critical and overbearing. Puddy, you're dense and annoying.

Jerry:You deserve each other.

Elaine:Excuse me?

Puddy:Yeah, what's your problem, man?

Jerry:My problem? You're my problem. Both of you.

Jerry:So you're having issues with your girlfriend?

Jerry:Look, here's what you do. You use the car salesman close. You say, 'I can get you into this relationship for the same monthly payment as your last one.'

Jerry:Then you throw in the undercoating - that's the couple's massage package.

Kramer:You know, we're living in a world of bladders, Jerry. A world of bladders. But some men, some men choose to run on empty. They don't need the petty concerns of a full tank. They're free. They're alive. And when they finally sputter to a stop on some desolate highway, their legacy lives on. Not in the things they accomplished, but in the sheer audacity of their emptiness.

George:I got it. I got the answer key. I'm gonna hold it right here. And I'm gonna make them sweat.

George:I've arranged these candies in a very specific order for a reason.

Employee:What reason?

George:To determine which one is the best. Now, nobody touch anything.

Employee:Got it.

George:I'm serious. This is a scientific study.

Employee:We'll leave it alone.

George:Thank you.

Employee:Hey, these look good!

George:No! Stop! You've ruined everything!

George:Wait a minute. These are all Twix.

George:You sold me a box of all Twix!

Employee:So?

George:So? So you can't just put all the same candy in a box. That's false advertising!

Employee:It's a Twix box.

George:I thought there was variety! I thought I was getting a nice assortment!

George:Twix!

Kramer:The gas gauge needle broke off from going so low.

Elaine:Why won't you give me a high-five?

Jerry:Because once you start doing high-fives, where does it end? Next thing you know, you're doing the wave at baseball games, you're wearing a foam finger, you're going to monster truck rallies.

Elaine:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:Is it? Is it really?

George:Well, I was trying to set up Elaine with... you know what? I don't even know what I was thinking. The whole thing was ridiculous from the beginning.

Frank Costanza:I remember when a loaf of bread was a nickel.

Jerry:Yeah, and I remember when you had hair.

Puddy · Jerry:Just left out a couple of things. Rustproofing. / Rustproofing? / Transport charge. / Storage surcharge. Additional overcharge. / Finder's fee. / Finder's fee? It was on the lot. / Yeah, that's right. / And floor mats, keys. / Keys?

Puddy:How are you gonna start it?

George:Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. / It was dangling and when you purchased your Twix bar...you got a little freebie and you never bothered to ask why...or seek out its rightful owner.

Mechanic:First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar.

George:You must think I'm pretty stupid. / That's no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb in the corner of your lip. / Now, that is a cookie and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar...with the cookie crunch.

Mechanic · George:That's a little nougat. / Nougat? Please. I think I've reached a point in my life...where I can tell between nougat and cookie. / So let's not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.

Mechanic · George:You know you're getting a little vein there? / I know about the vein. This guy.

George:There's no law in this place. Anything goes. It's Thunderdome.

Salesman · George:Is someone helping you? / Stay back.

Rick · Kramer:Where is it now? / There's overlap between the needle and slash below the E. / How low are you gonna go? / Oh, I've been in the slash many times. This is nothing.

Rick · Kramer:Have you ever been completely below the slash? / Well, I almost did once and I blacked out. When I came to the car was in a ditch and the tank was full. / I don't know who did it. And I never got to thank them.

Jerry · George:If you wanna play hardball, I got my friend George...and he can play pretty hard. Ball. / George. Vein it up.

George:I'm starving. I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.

Puddy · Jerry:Well, I need your signature here...and we'll get you that yellow car ready to go. / Yellow? I wanted black. / I can't give you black at that price.

George:Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch does not imply transfer of ownership.

Kramer · Rick · Kramer:Let's just go for it like Thelma and Louise. / They drove to a dealership? / No, they drove off a cliff. / You are one sick mama. I like it.

Jerry:You gotta get back with Puddy so I can make this deal.

Elaine:You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.

Jerry:You don't have to see him again until my 15,000-mile check.

Elaine · Jerry:Will you pay my cab fare out there? / Fine. / I didn't like that roast beef so how about lunch? / No, no lunch. / I'll hang this phone up right now. / All right, lunch. / See you. / Bye. Everybody's ripping me off.

George · Service Manager:I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics. / When did you bring your car in? / Yeah, right. I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. / Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet?

George:One of your guys, Kip or Ned...Short name. Stole my Twix candy bar.

George · Service Manager:Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. / What about the $100,000 bar? / No, rice and caramel. / Nougat? / No. Please. / You know they changed the name from $100,000 bar to Hundred Grand?

George:All I want is my 75 cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired.

Old Man:I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.

Old Man · Service Manager · Old Man:What's the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial? / They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial. / Not Skittles.

Service Manager · George · Old Man:Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don't talk. / You make your father sit here all day? / He likes it. / All right. Do you mind? / I have the window.

George · Old Man · Service Manager:Now, what're you gonna do about my Twix? / Twix has too much coconut. / No, there's no coconut! / I'm allergic to coconut. / I'm not.

Elaine · Puddy · Jerry:Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy. / I'm with a customer. / No, no, no. Elaine, the car can wait. / What's important is you two getting back together. / Then we'll talk about the car.

Puddy · Elaine:I don't wanna get back with her. She's bossy. / David.

Jerry:Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you.

Jerry:Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today?

Kramer · Rick:Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? / I'll get us a couple of Twix bars. / No. / No coconut for me.

Kramer · Rick:No, man, not the gas. / But it needs it, Kramer. It needs it bad. / You really think this will make you happy? Because it won't. / You should go on without me.

Kramer:Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership...and that tank is bone-dry, I want you to be there with me...when everyone says, 'Kramer and that other guy...they went farther to the left of the slash than anyone ever dreamed.'

Kramer · Rick:Maybe we'd better get moving. / It's good to have you back, Stan. / It's Rick, by the way. / No time.

George:Now, if this mechanic guy was, in fact...eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims...wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy lineup?

George:Now, if this mechanic guy was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue bar as he claims, wouldn't you agree he would have no problem picking one out from a candy lineup?

George · Service Manager:I've spent the last hour preparing 10 candy bars...with no wrappers or identification of any kind...for him to select from. / That took you an hour?

George:Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities. / And so without further ado...I give you...the candy lineup.

George:And so without further ado...I give you...the candy lineup.

Mechanic:Hey, Willie, check it out, free candy.

George · Mechanic · Other Mechanics:That's my candy lineup. Where are my cards? / They're all on the floor. / And you? How many Twix does that make for you today? / Like, eight Twix? / No. / Hey, this Clark bar is good. / It's a Twix. / They're all Twix. It was a setup. / A setup, I tell you. And you've robbed it. / You've all screwed me again. / Now, give me one. Give me a Twix. / They're all gone.

George:Twix!

Kramer · Rick:What was that? / There's a mental hospital right near here.

Jerry:All right, Elaine, David...I believe we have a deal here in principle. Arby's no more than once a month...and in exchange Elaine comes to your softball game...and doesn't read a book.

Jerry · Puddy:All right, all right, that's enough. Now, let's get back to my deal. / That undercoating, that's a rip-off, isn't it, David? / Oh, we don't even know what it is.

Jerry · Puddy:All right, all right, that's enough. Now let's get back to my deal. That undercoating, that's a rip-off, isn't it, David? / Oh, we don't even know what it is.

Jerry · Puddy:So I'm getting the insider's deal? / The insider's deal. / High-five.

Kramer · Rick:There's the dealer. / We did it. We pulled it off. I can't believe it. / Where's the needle? / Oh, it broke off, baby.

Rick · Kramer:Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I learned a lot. Things are gonna be different for me now. / Well, that's a weird thing to say.

Kramer · Rick:I wonder how much longer we'd have lasted. Yeah, yeah, I wonder.

Jerry · Elaine:This is nice. What kind of car is this? / Caprice Classic.

Elaine · Jerry:This is nice. What kind of car is this? / Caprice Classic.

Elaine · Jerry:You couldn't just give him one high-five? / And where does it end? Then everyone's doing it. It's like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, 'Don't go there.' Someone's gotta take a stand.

George:This Arby's is good.

Jerry · Elaine · George:So, George, I still don't understand. How is that a setup? / Who were you trying to setup anyway? The mechanic or the manager? / I don't know. All of them, they're all crooks.

George:I couldn't get all different candy bars anyway.

Jerry · Elaine · George:What was that? / I think there's a mental hospital near here. / Yeah, very near.

Rick · Kramer:Well, I think we stopped. / You can probably let go of my hand now. / Well, I'll think about it.

Rick · George:Do you have my card? / A nickel.