The Handicap Spot

Jerry:So we're all at the strip club for the bachelor party, right? And I look over and there's the bridal shower happening at the same place.

George:What are the odds?

Jerry:We're all wearing the same outfit. The guys, the girls - matching outfits. It's like we coordinated it.

Kramer:That's gotta be some kind of sign.

Jerry:A sign of what? That we have no fashion sense? Because I could've told you that without paying for a strip club.

Jerry:You know the difference between a single guy and a married guy? A single guy is like a dictator. He's got absolute power. He can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. A married guy is like a committee member. Everything has to be discussed, debated, voted on.

Jerry:Marriage is like a government committee system. Everyone's got their role, there are rules, procedures, endless meetings about nothing.

Jerry:And divorce? That's impeachment. Except there's no presidency. You're just removing someone from a job they never had.

Jerry:You know what I've noticed? Beautiful women walk faster than regular women. It's true! They have this little motor on their ass.

Jerry:So now I have to buy Drake an engagement present. Do you know what this means? This is the beginning of an endless cycle. He gets engaged, I buy a gift. He gets married, I buy a gift. He has a kid, I buy a gift. He buys a house, I buy a gift. Where does it end?

George:It doesn't end.

Jerry:Exactly! I'm locked in! For the rest of my life, every time Drake does anything, I have to buy him something!

Jerry:I hate Drake. I hate everything about Drake.

George:What? Drake's great!

Jerry:Drake is not great. Drake is the opposite of great.

Kramer:I like Drake.

Jerry:Of course you do.

Elaine:Who's Drake?

Jerry:Exactly! Who IS Drake?

George:Look at this. Perfect triangle. I drew this.

Jerry:That's a triangle, George.

George:A *perfect* triangle. Do you know how hard it is to draw a perfect triangle?

Jerry:I really don't.

George:It's very hard. This is my greatest achievement.

George:She's lukewarm. The fiancée is lukewarm.

Jerry:Lukewarm?

George:Yeah, I'm not hot, I'm not cold. I'm lukewarm on her.

Kramer:A Drakette!

Kramer:You know, I like the name Isosceles. If I ever have a son, I'm gonna name him Isosceles.

Jerry:Isosceles? That's a triangle!

Kramer:No, it's not, it's a name!

Jerry:It's a triangle!

George:I'm not giving up this spot. I don't care what happens. I'm staying right here.

George:You know, I could live here. I really could. I've got everything I need - a car, a spot, some snacks in the glove compartment.

George:Why would I leave? Out there, it's chaos. People fighting for spots, circling like vultures. But here? Here I'm safe. Here I'm home.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I can park in the handicapped spot. I'm handicapped.

Jerry:You're not handicapped.

Kramer:Oh no? I can't even parallel park. That's a handicap!

Jerry:That's not what handicapped means.

Kramer:Well, if I can't parallel park, how am I supposed to drive? And if I can't drive, I'm handicapped!

Kramer:You know, handicapped parking is a lot like feminism.

Kramer:They want all the special privileges, but when the check comes, they're nowhere to be found.

George:It's not a loaf, it's a loaf of crumbs. They give you a loaf of crumbs.

Bystander:Yeah, I'm double-parked out there. I'm just gonna be a minute.

George:I'm not responsible for this!

Jerry:What are you talking about? You caused the whole thing.

George:Look, between me causing an accident and me killing someone with an axe, I think the accident looks pretty good right now.

George:The man's got a dead battery in his wheelchair. What does he expect me to do about it? He's a rich guy, he can buy a new battery. Or better yet, maybe if he got out of the chair once in a while and walked around, he wouldn't have this problem in the first place.

Frank Costanza:My car! My beautiful car! Look at it! It's destroyed! Destroyed! Do you know how long I've had this car? Do you know how many times I waxed it? Waxed it to perfection! A pristine condition! Pristine! And now look at it!

George:I was at a stoplight and this guy, he just came out of nowhere. He hit me. The guy just drove away. I got a good look at him though.

Frank:Did you get his license plate?

George:No, but I remember he had a swastika on his car. Yeah, he was a Nazi. A real Nazi.

Estelle:George, you have to be careful. You could get hurt out there.

Frank:What is she talking about? The boy's forty years old!

Estelle:Frank, he's our son. We worry.

Frank:Worry? I don't have time to worry. I'm trying to invent a bra for men.

George:The show is about a man who's struggling with his life, trying to make it work in New York. He's not very successful with women, he's got a dead-end job, his parents are driving him crazy.

Jerry:So it's a show about nothing.

George:No, it's about a man trying to get his life together.

Jerry:But George, that's you.

George:So?

Frank:A dent... a ding... a scratch... another dent...

Estelle:Mahjong!

George:I'm so happy for Drake!

Jerry:Really? Because I find that when good things happen to other people, it's annoying.

Kramer:How is she?

George:She's doing okay. She's in a lot of pain, but the doctors say she's gonna be fine.

Kramer:Well, that's good.

Jerry:Yeah, we felt really bad about the whole thing.

Kramer:You know, I'm glad I could help.

Woman:Thank you so much for helping me. You're a hero.

Kramer:Well, I... you know, it was nothing really. But hey, maybe when you get out of here, we could grab some coffee or something?

Jerry · George · Kramer · Elaine:Visual reaction beat: The gang returns to find Frank Costanza's car has been destroyed by the mob.

Jerry:Wait a minute. Kramer's girlfriend can't walk. Kramer can't sit still. This is a perfect match! She can't go anywhere, he doesn't want to stay anywhere.

Kramer:You know, I feel terrible about that woman in the wheelchair. I mean, I could've bought that chair.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't feel guilty about not buying a wheelchair for a stranger.

Kramer:But what if she needs it? What if she's crawling around out there?

George:I'm buying a wheelchair. I'm tired of standing.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:My feet hurt, my back hurts. This is perfect. I get to sit down all day, people feel sorry for me, I get the good parking spots.

Jerry:You can't just buy a wheelchair because you don't feel like standing.

George:Why not? There's no wheelchair police. Besides, I've been complaining about my legs for years. Now I'm doing something about it.

George:Look at this thing. It's beautiful. It's got cup holders, leather seats, chrome... You know, if I ever end up in one of these, at least I'll be comfortable.

Jerry:George, you're making a luxury wheelchair sound appealing.

George:Well, why shouldn't it be appealing? If you're gonna be stuck in a chair, it might as well be a nice one.

Wheelchair Salesman:This is our top-of-the-line model. We've got celebrity endorsements.

Wheelchair Salesman:Stephen Hawking uses one.

Wheelchair Salesman:Actually, he IS in one.

Jerry:Drake, we got you a wedding gift.

Drake:Oh, that's very nice of you.

Chandler:It's a big-screen TV.

Drake:Wow, a big-screen TV! My fiancée is going to love this!

George:Yeah, well, don't get too excited.

Drake:Why? What do you mean?

Jerry:We have some bad news. Your engagement is off.

Drake:What?! But we just delivered the TV!

Kramer:Yeah, and now you get to keep it.

Jerry:So... that's it then?

George:Yeah, I guess so.

Jerry:You know, this is strange. Here we are, sitting in silence after you just broke up with her, and all I can think about is how clear the picture is on this TV. Have you noticed that? HD really changes everything.

George:You're talking about the TV right now?

Jerry:What? I'm just saying, even in a moment like this, you gotta appreciate good technology.

Used Wheelchair Salesman:This beauty's got low mileage, only been used by a little old lady on Sundays.

Used Wheelchair Salesman:One careful owner, never been in an accident.

Used Wheelchair Salesman:I can let it go for you today, but you gotta act now. I got another guy coming to look at it.

Used Wheelchair Salesman:Tell you what, I'll throw in the cup holder and we'll call it even.

George:This is fantastic! I'm going so fast!

George:You know, I could get used to this. People are getting out of my way. Nobody's bothering me.

George:This is the best thing that ever happened to me!

Used Wheelchair Salesman:You know, I've been selling wheelchairs for thirty-two years. Every chair that leaves this lot, it's like saying goodbye to a part of my family.

George:That's very touching.

Used Wheelchair Salesman:I never thought I'd see the day when I'd have to let one go to someone who just wanted to test drive it around the block.

Jerry:You know what's great about TV? It gives you something to talk about with people you don't know. Drake and Drakette are in Chicago, they don't know anybody, but they can watch TV and have something in common with everyone else watching.

George:She bought me the TV as a gift, right? So it's my TV.

Jerry:Right.

George:But we were going out when she bought it, so it was a gift to 'us.' It's an 'us' gift.

Jerry:It's an us gift?

George:Yeah. And now that we're broken up, it reverts back to her.

Jerry:That's not how gifts work, George.

George:Why not? If it was an us gift, then us is dissolved, the gift is dissolved!

Jerry:I'm telling you, Drake is a bad guy. He's been a bad guy from the beginning.

George:Jerry, you're overreacting. Drake's fine.

Jerry:No, George. I know bad guys. Drake is bad.

Jerry:And you know what? I was right. I was RIGHT about Drake.

Elaine:Wait, why do I have to be the dull one?

Kramer:I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.

Jerry:Okay.

George:I'm donating my TV to charity.

Elaine:That's very generous, George.

George:Well, not really. I'm doing it for the tax write-off.

Elaine:So you're not actually being charitable?

George:No, I'm being selfish. But at least I'm honest about it.

Kramer:God blessing.

Jerry:It's 'God bless you.'

Volunteer speaker:Frank has graciously raised twenty-two thousand dollars, which converts to exactly four hundred and forty wheelchair units.

Police Officer:Frank Costanza, you're under arrest.

Frank Costanza:For what? I'm being honored here!

Police Officer:For the exact thing you're being honored for helping with.

George:My father wants me to pay him back for the damages to the car.

Jerry:So pay him back.

George:I don't have it right now.

Jerry:Well, you're gonna have to tell him.

George:I can't tell him. He's gonna kill me.

Jerry:He's not gonna kill you.

George:You don't know my father. He's got a temper.

Jerry:So what are you gonna do?

George:I'm thinking of just not telling him and hoping he forgets about it.

Jerry:He's not gonna forget about it.

George:Well, maybe I'll just make up a story. Tell him I got mugged or something.

Jerry:That's not gonna work.

George:Why not? It happens all the time.

Jerry:Because your father knows you. He's gonna know you're lying.

George:Not if I'm a really good actor. I could be an actor. That's what I always wanted to do anyway.

George:She dumped me because I'm in a wheelchair.

Kramer:Well, you know, these things happen. Sometimes relationships just... roll downhill.

Kramer:So what, she called you fat?

Jerry:Yeah.

Kramer:Well, are you?

Kramer:Am I beautiful?

Jerry:You have a certain... quality.

Frank:So what happened? You fell out of the wheelchair?

George:No, I didn't fall out.

Frank:Then how'd you get hurt?

George:I was trying to move it and I pinched my finger.

Frank:You pinched your finger on a wheelchair? What kind of accident is that?

Frank Costanza:These people! These morons give me a wheelchair, it's defective! The wheel's crooked, it pulls to the left. I'm going in circles like an idiot!

Frank Costanza:I'm gonna call 'em up, I'm gonna tell 'em what I think of their operation. You know what? I built this wheelchair myself in my garage!

Jerry:You know what handicapped parking is? It's a mirage. It's like when you're driving through the desert and you see water on the road ahead. You think, 'Oh great, there's a spot!' But when you get there, it's just a handicapped sign. And you're like a thirsty person in the desert who just found a cactus.

Jerry:So we're parked in the Special Olympics lot, and I'm thinking - how do they stack the cars? Do they just pile them on top of each other? Is there a guy going, 'Okay, we got a Corolla, we got a Civic - stack 'em!' And then some car comes in and he's like, 'Okay, we got a Suburban - everybody out!'

Elaine · George · Jerry:Elaine is designated to call Allison and demand the TV back. 'What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?' / 'Because that's your thing.' / 'Calling people I hardly know and demanding they return expensive gifts? That's my thing?' / 'Yeah, that's your thing.'

Elaine:Elaine's resigned 'That's my thing.' after hanging up — accepting her social role.

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine's brief yo-yo exchange: 'You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah.' / 'I could see that.'

Elaine · Allison:Elaine calls Allison. 'I gave all the gifts to charity.' / [beat] 'Oh, okay. Well, thanks a lot. Sorry again about you and the Drake.'

Allison (phone) · Elaine · George:Allison gave everything to charity. Elaine reports this; George's response: 'Charity? That's appalling. How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate.'

Elaine · George · Jerry:'She gave it to charity.' / 'Charity? That's appalling.' / 'How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate.'

Kramer · George:'So you see, George, the whole incident was a God blessing.' / 'You mean a blessing in disguise?'

Frank Costanza · Police Officer · George:Frank Costanza receives the United Volunteer Representative of the Month award — raised $22,000 for wheelchair access — then immediately gets arrested for parking in a handicapped spot.

George · Jerry:'Your father got arrested. For what?' / 'Parking in a handicapped spot.' / 'Right in the middle of his United Volunteer's meeting.' / 'When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.'

George · Jerry:'Between the car being totaled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I could ever pay him back.' / 'So, what are you gonna do?' / 'I agreed to become his butler.'

Kramer:Kramer announces that Lola broke up with him. 'She rolled right over me.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'It's over.' / Jerry: 'What's over?' / Kramer: 'Me and Lola.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:'Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?'

Kramer · George · Jerry:Kramer pleads: 'Am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?' — the extended reaction beat as George and Jerry grapple with answering.

George:'You're very attractive.'

Kramer · Jerry:Lola told Kramer to 'drop dead.' / 'Boy, even I never heard that one.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:'Well, we just blew $240 on a wheelchair.' / '$240 bucks?' / 'Well, it was slightly used.' / [George's disgusted reaction]

George · Frank Costanza:Frank shining shoes as George's butler — George criticizes the shine: 'I don't think you did such a good job on these.' / 'What? Supposed to see your face there. Do you see your face in there?' / [long beat] 'Yeah.' / 'Oh, really?'

Frank · George:Frank's butler-polishing scene — George is polishing shoes that Frank can already see his face in, but Frank is dissatisfied.

George · Jerry:Wheelchair goes down a hill on its own — 'How about that. Went right down a hill?'

Frank Costanza · George:Frank, as winner of the United Volunteer award, is now sending George (his butler) to deliver a big-screen TV to the wheelchair woman — using the engagement gift that started the whole chain.

Frank Costanza:'Sons of bitches!' — Frank's reaction to hearing about the defective wheelchair given to the injured woman.

George · Frank Costanza · Allison:George and Frank/another volunteer arrive to retrieve the TV — it's the same big-screen TV given to Drake, given by Drake to Allison, given by Allison to charity, now being reclaimed.

George · Jerry:'I hate this mall. There are never any spaces here.' / 'Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?' / 'What if there's a fire?' / 'Now what are the chances of that?'

Jerry:Stand-up closing: 'The handicapped parking spot is the mirage of the parking desert... a big wide spot by the entrance. Somehow everybody missed it.'

Jerry:'What is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? They must have to just stack, like, a hundred cars into those two spots.'