The Pilot (1)

Jerry:You know what I'm afraid of? Success. I'm afraid of succeeding.

George:What do you mean you're afraid of succeeding? That's crazy.

Jerry:No, it's true. I have this fear that if I become successful, everything will change.

George:Change how?

Jerry:I'll have to get a nice apartment. A really nice one. With good light.

George:That's bad?

Jerry:And then I'll need nice furniture. Real furniture, not this stuff. And rugs! Expensive rugs!

Kramer:What's wrong with that?

Jerry:What's wrong? Everything! I'll be worried about the rugs all the time. 'Don't step on the rug, Kramer, it's an Oriental!' I don't want that kind of pressure.

Jerry:So according to this survey, people fear public speaking more than death. Which means, logically, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Jerry:Well, I can't act.

Kramer:So what? I can't act either.

Kramer:Watch this, I'm gonna show you some real acting.

Jerry:Oh, this should be good.

Kramer:[dramatic pose] I am a man... consumed by passion!

Jerry:[deadpan] Wow. Incredible. I'm moved. I'm actually crying. See the tears?

Jerry:You know what I've been thinking about? Mars. It's just sitting there, right? Red, cold, nobody living on it. And we're supposed to be excited about it. 'Oh, there might be water on Mars!' Well, there's water here! In my sink! Why don't we get excited about that?

Kramer:Because it's Mars, Jerry!

Kramer:A hospital line? I waited in that line for twenty minutes!

Russell:So, uh, Elaine... do you think ketchup is more of a condiment or a lifestyle choice?

Russell:I've been thinking about you constantly. I can't eat, I can't sleep. You mean everything to me.

Elaine:Yeah, yeah, that's great. But have you noticed they don't put enough of the good stuff in snack mix anymore? It's all just those little brown cubes now. Where are the peanuts? Where are the raisins?

Elaine:Oh, you know Jerry? Yeah, he's a comedian. His whole act is just 'What's the deal with this? What's the deal with that?' I mean, that's it. That's the entire thing.

Russell:So the show is about nothing. It's just a show about everyday life.

Elaine:But my life isn't interesting. I just go to work, grab coffee, talk to friends...

Russell:Exactly! That's perfect. That's the whole idea.

Elaine:You want to put that on television?

Russell:Why not? People watch TV to see real life.

Jerry:Why are you wearing sweatpants? Did your pants leave you? Is there a pants-related situation I should know about?

Kramer:They're comfortable.

Jerry:Comfortable? You know what that means, don't you? You've given up. You've surrendered. Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. They're like a white flag for your legs. Once you put on sweatpants, you've essentially said to the world, 'I have accepted mediocrity. I no longer believe in myself.'

George:I believe in God.

Jerry:You do?

George:Yeah, but only for punishment purposes.

Therapist:George, I noticed you have a white spot on your lip.

George:What? A white spot? What do you mean a white spot? I don't have a white spot.

Therapist:Right there. It's been there the whole session.

George:You're just trying to make me paranoid. You're a sadist. That's what this is about, isn't it? You get off on making people anxious.

George:You know what? I think you want me to have cancer.

George:I really do. I think that's what this is about.

George:You sit there with your stupid notepad, and you nod your head, and you want me to have some horrible disease so you can write about it in one of your little psychology journals.

Jerry:You should see a doctor.

George:A doctor? I'm not going to a doctor. Doctors are always telling you things you don't want to hear. I don't need that in my life.

Jerry:George, you're sick.

George:I'm not sick, I'm fine. If I don't go to the doctor, then I'm not sick. The doctor can't tell me I'm sick if I don't go.

Kramer:Oh no, not him again!

Squeegee Man:Your windshield, buddy?

Joe Davola:I hope you have a nice day.

Joe Davola:I hope everything works out for you.

Joe Davola:I hope you get everything you want in life.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, this is gonna work. We start a company, we make business cards, we get an office...

Jerry:An office? George, we don't have any money.

George:That's not the point. The point is to create the illusion of success.

Jerry:What kind of company?

George:I don't know... latex. We're latex manufacturers.

Jerry:Latex? George, I don't know anything about latex.

George:Neither do I. That's the beauty of it.

Michael Barth:Yeah, I'm really excited about this role. I've been preparing for weeks. Though I gotta be honest, next week I'm having my left leg amputated, so I might need to reschedule callbacks.

George:I can't do this. I can't go to a male massage therapist.

Jerry:Why not?

George:Why not? Because I'm not comfortable with it. There's gonna be... hands.

Jerry:They're professional hands.

George:I don't care if they're professional hands, magic hands, or the hands of Jesus Christ himself. I'm not getting a massage from a man.

Melissa:Wow, there are a lot of bald guys in here.

Melissa:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say anything about your friend's baldness.

Jerry:Oh, don't worry about it. George is very comfortable with his baldness. He's been bald for a long time.

Jerry:So you're saying the actor has to look concerned about his looks?

Elaine:Well, yeah. He's supposed to be worried that he's not attractive enough.

Jerry:But he IS attractive enough. That's why he's an actor.

Elaine:So what's he supposed to do?

Jerry:He's gotta fake it. Pretend he's insecure. Which is ironic, because he's reading lines about being insecure, while looking completely secure.

Tom:I'm thinking Egyptian. You know, very minimalist. Hieroglyphics on the walls, maybe some sarcophagus shelving.

Casting Director:For your apartment?

Tom:Yeah, I want to walk in and feel like I'm entering a tomb. It's very calming.

Kramer:Oh, it's very comfortable. You know, the Egyptians slept like this for thousands of years.

Jerry:So you're telling me someone stole the raisins from the box?

George:Not just stole them. They ate them. Right there in the audition room.

Jerry:How do you know they ate them?

George:Because they're gone, Jerry! And I know I brought a full box.

Jerry:Maybe you miscounted.

George:I don't miscount raisins. That's not a thing I do.

Casting Director:Wait a minute. You're the guy from the underwear commercials!

Kramer:No, no, no. You got me confused with somebody else.

Casting Director:No, I never forget a... body.

NBC executive · Jerry · George:NBC casting begins. Russell is notably absent. 'I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him. He walked right past me.' — because Russell is obsessing over Elaine.

George:George's first auditioner, Mark Matts, walks in. George's immediate reaction: 'They've gotta be kidding. This guy's perfect!'

Jerry · Mark Matts:The Vandelay Industries scene is auditioned. Jerry reads with the actor, delivering lines about fake employment at a latex manufacturer.

Michael Barth · Jerry · George:Second George auditioner, Michael Barth, arrives and immediately announces: 'I just came from the podiatrist. I got something wrong with my foot. I got a little gangrene. They're probably gonna have to amputate.'

Casting director · George:Casting director asks about the George character: 'Is this guy like a real loser?' George immediately, defensively: 'No, not a loser!'

Michael Barth · Jerry:Michael Barth reads the massage scene: 'A man gave me a... massage.' Long pause. 'He had his hands, you know... touching and rubbing.' Another long pause. 'I think it moved.'

Melissa Shannon:Elaine's auditioner Melissa Shannon arrives and immediately observes the room: 'It's like a bald convention out there!'

Melissa · George · Jerry:Melissa tries to recover: 'Sorry. I made a faux pas.' George: 'No, you didn't. He knows he's bald.'

Melissa · George:Melissa asks about the sweatpants guy ('Did he do that for the part or does he walk around like that?'), implying Kramer must be one of the auditioners.

Jerry · NBC executive:Jerry offers to read with Melissa for the Elaine audition. Everyone in the room immediately overreacts with enthusiasm: 'Oh, great! Oh!'

Jerry · Melissa · George:Jerry reads with Melissa. She gives him a look during the reading. George calls it out immediately: 'What was that look?' Jerry denies it. George insists. Melissa says 'Thank you! Thank you very much.' and they move on.

Tom (Kramer auditioner):Kramer auditioner Tom arrives and immediately pitches 'Levels': 'I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. I'm building levels... with steps. Completely carpeted... with pillows.'

Tom (Kramer auditioner):Tom's Levels monologue ends with: 'Like ancient Egypt.'

NBC executive · Jerry · George:After the Levels reading, the NBC executive says 'Very nice! Very good! Very nice!' — and then looks around confused: 'What happened to the raisins?'

Jerry · George · NBC executive:Realization that Tom (the Kramer auditioner) walked out with the box of raisins. 'Did he just steal the raisins?' 'Do you think he stole them?'

Kramer · NBC executive · Jerry:Kramer himself walks into the audition under the alias 'Martin Van Nostrand,' and the NBC executive recognizes him from Calvin Klein underwear ads.

Kramer · NBC Casting Person:The Calvin Klein underwear model reveal: One of the casting people recognizes Kramer/Van Nostrand as 'the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.' Kramer confirms: 'That's true.'