The Mango

Jerry:Seedless watermelon. Now that's a scientific achievement. We can put a man on the moon, but we can't figure out how to make a watermelon without seeds. And when they finally do it, what do they do? They act like they just cured cancer. 'Hey, look at us, we made a seedless watermelon!' Meanwhile, people are dying of AIDS.

Jerry:And another thing about watermelon seeds - they're always wet. You're trying to spit them out, but your mouth is all wet, so the seed just kind of... slides around in there like you're playing some kind of disgusting game of pinball.

Jerry:Scientists working on seeds, they're trying to eliminate the rind problem. You know what the logical progression is? Next thing you know, they're gonna be working on eliminating the rind on watermelons. Then they'll move on to oranges. Pretty soon, they'll have eliminated all the rinds. And then what? Then we'll have seedless, rindless fruit. We'll just be eating fruit pulp.

Jerry:So they're eliminating all the components of fruit. The skin, the pit, the seeds. I mean, what's left? Pre-packaged fruit cups from trees.

Jerry:So you're telling me you scrubbed the bathtub?

George:I scrubbed it!

Jerry:You never scrub the bathtub.

George:I know!

Jerry:You must really like this Karen.

George:I do. I really do.

Jerry:A man scrubs the tub, that's love. That's the real thing right there.

Jerry:You know, I think we've been overcomplicating this whole thing. At the end of the day, it all comes down to three words: clean the tub.

George:It's not you, it's me. I'm going through some things right now.

Jerry:Like what?

George:I don't know... I just feel like I'm losing my edge.

Jerry:Your edge? George, you never had an edge. You're like Pennsylvania.

George:What's wrong with Pennsylvania?

Jerry:Nothing. It's exactly in the middle. Nobody gets excited about Pennsylvania.

Jerry:You know what the difference is between men and women? Men don't know what they're doing and women know men don't know what they're doing.

Jerry:So there's this gap of panic where men are just hoping nobody finds out. That's why men pray. 'Please God, don't let her notice I have no idea what I'm doing.'

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:I'm telling you, it's all about confidence. You just gotta sell it.

Kramer:The tap!

George:What tap?

Kramer:You gotta use the tap. Light little tap on the back of the head.

George:The tap! The tap!

Jerry:What tap?

George:The tap on the table. It's a tap!

Jerry:A tap? What are you talking about?

George:It's like a manager taking a player out of the game. He's gotta do it, but nobody likes it.

Jerry:So what are you, the manager?

George:I'm the player! She's taking me out of the game!

Jerry:I can tell. I can always tell.

Elaine:Oh, come on.

Jerry:No, I'm telling you, I know. It's like a sixth sense. I can feel it.

Elaine:You know, it's not that hard to fake.

Jerry:Not for you to fake, no. But I can tell.

Elaine:It's not that big a deal.

Jerry:Not that big a deal? Do you know how much pressure that is on us? That's all we care about!

Elaine:Well, it's easy. I just fake it.

Jerry:You fake it?

Elaine:Yeah.

George:Fake it? You don't fake it?

Elaine:Oh, all the time.

George:Really?

Elaine:Sure. It's not a big thing.

Jerry:Not a big thing? How do you fake that?

Elaine:Oh, it's easy. The breathing gets heavier, you moan a little bit, and then you say dirty things.

George:Dirty things?

Elaine:Oh, you know. 'Oh, that's so good, oh that's so good.'

Jerry:Wait, you're telling me you've never seen Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Elaine:No, I haven't.

Jerry:You've never seen Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Elaine:No.

Jerry:Elaine, it's a classic! Audrey Hepburn!

Elaine:I know who's in it.

Jerry:I can't believe you fooled me! I trusted you!

Elaine:What can I say? I'm a natural.

Jerry:Look, I have all the evidence right here. The whole thing makes perfect sense.

Elaine:Fake.

Jerry:What do you mean fake? I have documentation!

Elaine:Fake.

Jerry:But the witnesses—

Elaine:Fake.

Jerry:The photographs are real!

Elaine:Fake.

Jerry:I'm out there, Jerry!

Jerry:You know what I hate? When someone lies to you about their sexual experience. It's like false advertising. You think you're getting one thing, you're getting something completely different. It should be illegal!

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm serious! There should be a law. 'Misrepresentation of Sexual Capability' — it's fraud!

Kramer:Yeah, she's very good. She had me completely fooled.

Jerry:You know, you're a pretty good actress.

Elaine:Thank you.

Jerry:I mean, you really had me convinced. That's the kind of performance I'd like to see in the bedroom.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:I'm saying you should bring that same level of commitment and intensity to your intimate moments that you bring to your acting.

Kramer:You gotta treat it like a button. You just gotta find the right button.

Jerry:It's not a button, Kramer.

Kramer:Well, what is it?

Jerry:I don't know, it's not a button!

Kramer:Well, you're pressing it like it's a button.

George:Do you ever fake it?

Renee:Fake it? I don't know what you mean.

George:You know, fake it.

Renee:Oh! You mean like when I go to a Broadway show and pretend to enjoy it?

George:No, no, no...

Jerry:Women fake it all the time!

Kramer:Oh, men fake it too.

Jerry:Men fake what?

Kramer:I don't know... interest. Happiness. Life satisfaction.

Kramer:These are the worst bananas I've ever seen! Look at them! They're all brown and spotty!

Jerry:Kramer, they're from the fruit bowl. What do you expect?

Kramer:Yeah, this peach is subpar. I demand restitution.

Jerry:Restitution? It's a peach, Kramer.

Kramer:I don't care. This is unacceptable fruit.

Kramer:This peach is mealy! I want a refund!

Joe:A mealy peach is still a peach. God doesn't make mistakes with fruit.

Kramer:Oh, so God is responsible for this?

Joe:Everything that comes from the earth is a gift from above. You don't question the gift.

Kramer:They banned me from the fruit store. Me! Can you believe that?

Jerry:What did you do?

Kramer:I don't know! I went in, I picked up a mango, I squeezed it a little bit...

Jerry:You squeezed it?

Kramer:Yeah, to see if it was ripe! That's what you do with mangoes!

Kramer:Now I can't go back there. Where am I supposed to get my fruit, Jerry? Where?

Jerry:So was it good for you?

Karen:You're an enigma, Jerry.

Jerry:It's like when you go to a restaurant and you order something, and it comes out and it's not what you expected. You're disappointed.

Karen:So you send it back.

Jerry:Well, you can't send back sex.

Karen:Why not? If it's not what you ordered, send it back.

Karen:Meryl Streep is so authentic, so real in her performances.

Jerry:Yeah, well she's also a very good faker.

Jerry:I need another chance. I'm telling you, I can do better. Just give me one more shot.

Elaine:Jerry, it's not about getting another chance. It's about what happened.

Jerry:I know what happened! And I'm saying it was a fluke. A complete anomaly. I'm usually great at this.

Elaine:You're not getting it. You can't just redo it like it's a scene in a play.

Jerry:Why not? Athletes get replays. Why can't I get a replay?

Jerry:What, a relationship would ruin our friendship? I think it would enhance our friendship.

Jerry:Come on, just give me another chance. I can change.

George:How much time do you need?

Jerry:I don't know, a week?

George:A week? That's too long. I can do three days.

Jerry:Three days? Come on, split the difference — five days.

George:Four days. Final offer.

Kramer:Kramer comes in eating a peach, dramatically spitting it out: 'Bad peach? It's terrible!'

Jerry:Yeah, well Meryl Streep can go take a nap!

Karen:I'm upset.

Jerry:Yeah, well, even your emotions are fake.

George:Come on, work with me here. Just this once. I'm begging you.

Jerry:You know, it's like he's not listening to you.

Jerry:You know, it's like being a magician. Sometimes the trick works, sometimes it doesn't. But the key is, you gotta believe in yourself.

George:I don't want to be a magician, Jerry. I want to be a man!

Jerry:You are a man. You're just a man who occasionally needs a little more time to escape from the locked box.

Jerry:You know, it's funny. We spend all this time worried about psychic phenomena, ESP, telekinesis... But you know what's harder to achieve? An erection. That's right. I'd rather move a table with my mind than get it up on a Tuesday afternoon.

Kramer:I can't shop at the supermarket anymore. Last week I bought some apples, they were mealy. The week before that, oranges, they were dry. And then I got some papayas - I don't even know what a papaya is supposed to taste like!

Jerry:I'm calling all my ex-girlfriends to ask them one simple question.

Jerry:Did you ever fake it with me?

Jerry:I need to know the truth. I'm conducting a comprehensive survey.

Jerry:Hello? Yeah, it's Jerry. Listen, I have a very important question for you...

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about getting Kramer some fruit.

Joe:Fruit? What kind of fruit?

Jerry:I don't know, whatever he likes.

Joe:Well, you're going to have to do some detective work. Find out what his preferences are.

Jerry:Detective work? It's fruit, not a murder investigation.

Joe:Everything requires detective work. You think people just randomly like things? No. There's a method. There's a system.

Jerry:I'm telling you, this mango is unbelievable. I mean, this is the best mango I've ever had in my life.

Jerry:I don't know what it is about this mango, but I feel... I feel like I could do anything right now.

Jerry:I've got energy! I've got focus! I feel like I could run through a wall!

George:It's back. It's back!

Jerry:What's back?

George:It's back. My confidence. My mojo. It's all back!

Kramer:No!

George:Yes! I'm back, baby!

Elaine:No, no, no. Sex would ruin the friendship.

Jerry:Well, what if we had sex to save the friendship?

George:You were faking it.

Karen:I was not faking it.

George:You were faking it. I know faking when I see it.

Karen:George, I wasn't faking.

George:Oh, come on. You were faking the whole thing.

George:You were faking it! I know you were faking it!

George:Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes! That's it! That's it!

Jerry:Women, they're like the Batcave. You know where the entrance is, but once you're inside, you have no idea where you're going. You're just stumbling around in the dark, hoping you don't accidentally activate some elaborate security system.

Jerry:You know, sex is like a car accident. It happens so fast, you don't even see it coming. One minute you're driving along, minding your own business, the next thing you know — CRASH! It's over.

Jerry:And just like a car accident, there's a lot of paperwork involved. You gotta fill out a report. 'Where were you going? What was your speed? Did you see the other party approaching? Were there any witnesses?'

Jerry:And the worst part — just like a car accident — your insurance rates go up!

George · Karen:George enters Karen's apartment having clearly performed poorly. 'It's Jerry's fault.' / Karen: 'Jerry?' George: 'Jerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.'

Karen:Karen says she's okay, 'Well, it's not like after the risotto.'

Elaine · Jerry:'Oh, what, you're upset? Yes, I'm upset. Can't you tell?' / 'No, I can't. Maybe you're faking.'

George:George complains that Meryl Streep is 'such a phony baloney' — an echo of the faking/authentic debate.

George:George's stream of consciousness about impotence: 'I was talking to him. "Please wake up. Do something."'

Jerry · George:'They're mysterious little fellows, aren't they?' / 'I hate him.'

Jerry:'You know, it happens to everybody. Happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk with his hands in chains. But he had a problem with that.'

Jerry:'And he could get out of a trunk with his hands in chains. But he had a problem with that.'

Jerry · George:'The miracle is that it ever happens.' / 'It's like a magic trick.' / 'Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer asks Jerry to buy fruit for him because he's been banned. 'What am I gonna do for fruit?' Kramer can't go back.

Jerry · Kramer · George:Jerry creates a fruit list for Kramer: five mangoes, avocado, plums red on the inside, plantains. George protests each item.

George:George at the fruit store nervously reciting 'Just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome...natural, chock-full of vitamins.'

Joe · George:Joe catches George: 'This fruit isn't for you. Mangoes, plantains, plums with the red on the inside? That's Kramer.'

George · Joe:'Are you banning me from the store?' / 'That's exactly what I'm saying.' / 'I'm banned?' / 'You're banned.'

George:George tastes the mango: 'This mango is delicious.' Then immediately: 'That reminds me. I'm not getting you guys any more fruit.'

Jerry:'Gee, sorry, I don't have any cash. I only got hundreds.'

Kramer:Kramer tries the mango: 'I feel like I got a B12 shot.' / 'This is like a taste explosion.' / 'I think it moved.'

George:George eats the mango, runs out immediately: 'I'm back, baby! I'm back!'

Jerry:'Well, well. If it isn't the first lady of the American theater.' (Jerry greeting Elaine at the door.)

Jerry · Elaine:The elaborate exchange of each other's belongings: fins, poker chips, goggles, cards — all itemized with deadpan precision.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine: 'All right, let's go. I'll give you half an hour.' / 'What?' / 'Come on. Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.'

Jerry:'Sex to save the friendship.' Jerry echoes the phrase in stunned disbelief/acceptance.

George · Karen:George: 'Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute.' / Karen: 'You think I was faking?'

George · Karen:George: 'Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into the performance.' Karen: 'I'd like you to leave.'

George · Karen:'I can't find my glasses.' / 'Well, hurry up.' / 'Let me look for my glasses.' / 'Get out.' 'Get out.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry tells Elaine the sex failed: 'It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence...it's a lot of pressure.' Then: 'I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?'

Jerry:Stand-up: 'The female orgasm...it's kind of like the Batcave. Very few people know where it is. And if you're lucky enough to see it, you probably don't know how you got there...and you can't find your way back after you leave.'

Jerry:Stand-up: Sex is like a car accident. 'What did you see after the car went out of control?' 'I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end, my body was thrown clear.'