The Subway

Jerry:There's always that one kid at the bumper cars who can't figure it out. He's just stuck there, crying, while the attendant's trying to help him with this big pole, like 'Come on, just push the pedal!' And the kid's like 'I don't know what I'm doing!' Meanwhile, all the other kids are smashing into each other having the time of their lives, and this one kid's having an existential crisis over a bumper car.

Jerry:Who's on the wheel?

George:I'm on the wheel!

Jerry:Well who's pressing the gas?

George:You're pressing the gas!

Jerry:Then why aren't we going anywhere?

George:I don't know, you're not steering!

Jerry:I am steering! You're not pressing hard enough!

George:I'm pressing as hard as I can!

Jerry:You take the F train to 42nd Street, then transfer to the A, get off at 59th, take the crosstown bus to Park Avenue, then the 6 train downtown to Brooklyn, transfer to the G...

Other:Or you could just take the D train straight there.

Jerry:Yeah, but where's the fun in that?

Jerry:You know, when you go into an interview, you want to make a good impression. Be confident, make eye contact, and maybe throw in an obscure literary reference.

George:Like what?

Jerry:I don't know, something like 'I'm kind of a Bartleby the Scrivener type.'

George:Bartleby? The guy who just sits there saying 'I would prefer not to'? That's the biggest loser in literature!

George:So how does this work? I mean, which one of them is the guy?

Jerry:George!

George:What? I'm just asking a simple question. Somebody's gotta be the guy.

Elaine:I'm exhausted. I think I'm a terrible person. I think all lesbians hate me.

Kramer:Speeding, reckless driving, failure to yield...

Kramer:Expired registration, broken taillight...

Kramer:Driving with headlights off at night, operating without a license...

Kramer:No doors!

Kramer:They stole my car and they improved it! They put in a new engine, new transmission, new interior. It's better than when I had it!

Jerry:So you're saying the thieves did you a favor?

Kramer:Yeah! I should report my car stolen more often!

Kramer:Come on, George, let's go to Coney Island!

George:Coney Island? Are you out of your mind? You're like the devil himself, tempting me with these ridiculous schemes!

Jerry:So what, you're not going to Coney Island?

George:I can't. I have that interview.

Jerry:George, you're killing me here. You know what this is? This is Death of a Salesman. You're Willy Loman.

George:I'm not Willy Loman.

Jerry:You are Willy Loman. You're so worried about this job, you can't even enjoy Coney Island. That's tragic, George. That's real tragedy.

Mysterious Woman:What are you reading?

George:The classifieds. I'm looking at the market.

Mysterious Woman:Oh, you invest?

George:Heavily. I'm very successful in the market. Made a killing last week.

Mysterious Woman:That's impressive.

George:Yeah, I have a real knack for it. My broker calls me all the time for advice. I'm thinking about going into it full-time.

Mysterious Woman:Really?

George:I'm considering starting my own firm. I'd call it Banes & Company. Very exclusive. Only the most sophisticated investors.

Woman:Which market do you work in?

George:The stock market. I'm a... broker. I deal in... commodities. Pork bellies, that sort of thing. Buy low, sell high. It's all about timing, you know? The margin calls, the upticks, the downticks. I've got my eye on some emerging markets. Very volatile. But that's where the real money is.

George:The brokerage houses killed my father!

George:Well, hurt his feelings.

Elderly Man:You know what's ironic? Society these days, it's all changed.

George:What do you mean?

Elderly Man:Well, it's ironic, that's all. Everything's ironic now.

Jerry:But what specifically is ironic about it?

Elderly Man:You know... ironic. Like, the opposite of... not ironic.

Elaine:It's a wedding. Two women getting married.

Elderly Man:Two women? Getting married? To each other?

Elaine:Yes.

Elderly Man:Well, I don't know what the world is coming to.

Elaine:I'm the best man? There's no men at this wedding?

Elaine:I can't be the best man. I'm a woman.

Elaine:Shouldn't it be the best woman? Or the best person?

Elderly Man:Of all people to finally talk to, it's someone involved in a lesbian wedding.

Man:Oh, you must be a model.

Elaine:No, I'm not a model.

Man:An actress?

Elaine:No.

Man:A dancer?

Elaine:No, I work in an office.

Man:An office? What do you do in an office?

Elaine:I'm a secretary.

Man:You're a secretary? But you're so... beautiful.

George:Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you were reading the new Zagat guide. I'm actually a very successful importer-exporter.

George:My name is T. Bone Mcflintock, and I'm in the processindustrial business.

Kramer:You see, a mudder is a horse that runs well on a wet track. My father was a mudder. My mother was a mudder.

Jerry:Kramer, what are you talking about?

Kramer:I'm a mudder! I like to run through the mud.

George:Why is he naked?

George Costanza:You know, we're all pretty much the same down there. We all have the same basic equipment.

Naked Man:Yeah, well, I'm not ashamed of my body.

George Costanza:That's the problem! A little shame is good. It keeps society functioning.

Naked Man:I don't see what the big deal is. It's just a body.

George:What is this, a concentration camp? We're packed in here like sardines! I can't breathe, I can't move... This is a hostage situation. We're hostages on the subway!

George:Make myself comfortable? I'm at a woman's apartment. Do you know what that means? That's a trap. A velvet trap. She says 'make yourself comfortable,' but what she really means is 'sit on the edge of the couch and don't touch anything.' If I sit back, I'm too comfortable. If I lean forward, I'm not comfortable enough. It's a psychological test.

Kramer:So what do you think about the Mets this season?

Naked Man:I think they've got a real shot at the playoffs.

Kramer:Yeah, their pitching staff is looking pretty solid.

Naked Man:Absolutely. And that new guy in left field, he's got some real potential.

Kramer:I'm telling you, the Mets are going all the way this year.

Jerry:Kramer, they're in last place.

Kramer:I'm so confident, I'll make you a bet. If they don't win the World Series, I'll run through Times Square naked.

Jerry:You'd do that anyway.

Kramer:That's true.

Elaine:One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi...

George:You know, I've been thinking about what makes a woman attracted to a man. It's not just looks, it's confidence. It's knowing who you are.

George:Like, my mother, she's always telling me I'm a disappointment. She walks around the house in her underwear, eating tuna fish straight from the can. The smell is unbelievable.

George:And my father, he just sits in his chair yelling at the TV. They have no chemistry whatsoever.

George:They used to call me 'Frank.' They'd say, 'Hey Frank, your mother's a TV Guide!'

George:So... what do you say?

Woman:Fifty dollars.

George:Fifty dollars?! For what?

Woman:What do you think? I'm a working girl.

George:A working girl? You're a prostitute?

Woman:That's right. And fifty dollars is my rate.

George:Fifty dollars? That seems awfully cheap.

Woman:Cheap?! I'll have you know I'm very selective about my clients!

George:Wait, wait! Can I at least keep the socks?

Kramer:Yes! Yes! I told you! I told you Pappernick had it in him! Look at him go! Look at that form! That's a champion right there! I knew it! I KNEW IT! You all doubted me, but not Kramer! Kramer believes!

Mugger:Your money or your life!

Kramer:You know, I'm gonna have to think about that one.

Police Officer:Freeze! Drop your weapon!

Hare Krishna:Hare Krishna, hare Krishna.

George:Yeah, yeah, hare Krishna. How about you Krishna this!

George:I'm gonna beat you like a dog!

Naked Man · Jerry:Naked man suggests 'a couple of deep knee bends, maybe some squat-thrusts' and Jerry fires back: 'Who's got time for squat-thrusts?'

Jerry:I went to Coney Island, right? I'm so excited about this thrilling ride. I take the subway there—forty-five minutes of my life I'm never getting back. I finally get there, I sit down on the ride, and... I fall asleep. I actually fell asleep on the ride.

Jerry:Jerry: '...long as you don't wind up trapped in a room in overalls and pigtails being counselled by Dick Gregory.'

Naked Man · Jerry:Naked man: 'I'm not ashamed of my body.' / Jerry: 'Exactly. That's your problem. You should be.'

Naked Man:Naked man magnanimously stands to give his seat to a woman: 'Don't get up. Please, allow me.'

Elaine:Elaine's subway breakdown: 'This guy really smells... Doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard? You take the cap off, you roll it on.'

Elaine · Stranger on Subway:Elaine: 'These disgusting animals. These people should be in a cage.' / Stranger: 'We are in a cage.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Think about people in concentration camps, what they went through. And the hostages! What would you do if you were a hostage?'

Elaine:Elaine: 'No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare. Help me! Move it! Come on! Move this f****** thing! Why isn't it moving?! What could go wrong with a train? It's on tracks. There's no traffic!'

George:George in the hotel room, post-handcuff, internal monologue about 'Make yourself comfortable': 'Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take mine off and she still has hers on? I'd look like an idiot.'

Kramer · Man on Subway:Kramer repeats the mudder exchange verbatim on the phone with his bookie: 'His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.' / '...His mother was a mudder?' / 'What did I just say?'

Man on Subway · Kramer:'If they win it this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.' / 'It's a deal.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Why couldn't I take a cab? For $6, my whole life could have changed.'

Elaine:Elaine counting bananas to will the train into motion: 'One banana, two banana, three banana, four banana, five banana. No. I'm still here. Still here. When will they start moving?'

Elaine:Train finally moves and Elaine yells: 'Yes! Yes! Mother——!' with full catharsis

George:George handcuffed to bed tells the woman his mother walked around in her bra and panties: 'She was really disgusting, really bad body. You know, if you can imagine an uglier, fatter version of Shirley Booth.'

George:George recounts the taunts he received about his mother: 'Hey, your mother's uglier than Hazel.' / 'Hazel really puts your mother to shame.'

George:'Hey, your mother's uglier than Hazel.' / 'Hazel really puts your mother to shame.'

Woman · George:The woman reveals she's a con artist — takes George's money ($8) and his clothes: 'I wasted my whole morning on you for $8?'

George:George: 'No, no, that's my only suit! It cost me $350! I got it at Moe Ginsburg!'

George:George, naked and handcuffed, calls after the fleeing con artist: 'Will I see you again?'

Kramer · Man on Subway:Kramer and the man's escalating celebration as Pappernick wins: 'Yes! Yes! Yes! I won. Hey!'

Jerry · Mugger:Jerry gets robbed at gunpoint immediately after arriving at Coney Island

Kramer:Kramer never picked up his car because 'we had such a good time' — the car pound was closed by the time they finished at Coney Island

Kramer:'You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's.' — Kramer reporting on the naked man from Jerry's subway car (implied to now be at Coney Island with them)

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer showing everyone the stuffed animal he won at Coney Island — Jerry: 'Get that out of my face.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'So you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris.'

George:George threatening a Hare Krishna: 'How'd you like a Hare Krishna fist down your throat, you little punk?'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'Biff.' / George: 'What, did you whistle on the elevator?'

Jerry:'Biff.' — Jerry greeting George after his disastrous day

Jerry:Jerry's closing stand-up: 'So I take the subway down to Coney Island to go on the Cyclone. I'm sitting on the D train for an hour and 15 minutes to go on a scary ride. How dumb is that? You know that first sharp drop on the Cyclone? Fell asleep.'

Jerry:Stand-up closer: 'So I take the subway down to Coney Island to go on the Cyclone. I'm sitting on the D train for an hour and 15 minutes to go on a scary ride. Okay, how dumb is that?'