The Virgin

Jerry:You know, they should make breakup cards like Monopoly cards. 'You have been dumped. Go directly to therapy. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars of emotional baggage.'

Jerry:And then the other person has a counter-card: 'Prolonged suffering. Lose three turns and cry in your apartment.'

Jerry:What is that?

George:It's a ski lift ticket from six years ago. I keep it on my jacket so people think I ski.

George:Women love a man who skis. It's adventurous, it's dangerous.

Jerry:George, you have a girlfriend.

George:So?

Jerry:So you're not trying to attract women anymore.

Jerry:So how's the closet business?

George:It's not a business, it's a lifestyle.

Jerry:What do you mean it's a lifestyle?

George:I mean, I'm not in it for the money. I'm in it for the closet.

George:I mean, what do I need a closet organizer for? I don't have anything to organize.

Jerry:Everyone, I'd like you to meet Marla and Stacy.

George:Marla, Stacy, this is Jerry.

Marla:Nice to meet you Jerry.

Stacy:Hi Jerry.

Jerry:And George, this is Marla and Stacy.

George:We just met.

Jerry:Right, right. Marla, Stacy, George. George, Marla, Stacy.

Marla:Is he okay?

George:I think he's having a stroke.

Jerry:Stacy, Marla, George, Marla, Stacy, George, Jerry!

George:I was going to go to Berlin for the wall coming down, but then I thought, why? I saw it on TV. I got all the satisfaction of going without the aggravation of actually having to go.

Marla:He went to Berlin.

Marla:He's been there for three weeks.

Marla:I haven't heard from him.

George:Writing? It's easy. I sit down, the words just flow out. It's like I'm Mozart or something.

George:These sitcom writers, they think they're composing symphonies. They're not. They're just... typing jokes.

Jerry:You know, I think I can tell if a guy has a girlfriend by looking at his apartment. There's certain things... signs.

George:What signs?

Jerry:Well, there's pictures on the nightstand, books on the coffee table, plants... fruit in a bowl.

George:I have fruit in a bowl.

Jerry:Yeah, but is it real fruit or decorative fruit?

George:What's the difference?

Jerry:Real fruit rots. Decorative fruit just sits there. Anyway, the real test - the definitive proof - Tampax in the bathroom.

George:This is the thing about relationships. The more successful you become, the more trapped you feel.

Jerry:So what are you saying?

George:I'm saying the woman doesn't want you when you have nothing. But the second you have something, she doesn't want to let you go.

Jerry:So it's a catch-22.

George:Exactly! You can't win! You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Jerry:You know, George, with an attitude like that, you're going to make a wonderful father someday.

George:I got it. I got it. I'll get her to break up with me.

George:I'll start dating someone else. She'll find out, get angry, and dump me.

George:Then I call Letterman, tell him I'm available, and boom — I'm on the show.

Jerry:That's your plan? That's insane.

George:It's foolproof! Susan will be so mad she won't even want to see me again.

George:Perfect setup for Letterman.

George:I'm just thinking about the Letterman plan.

Jerry:Well, there's your problem right there.

Marla:Everything on hooks. That's the system. Clothes, shoes, bags, everything.

Jerry:So you're saying... all hooks, all the time?

Marla:Yes! It's revolutionary. No drawers, no shelves, just hooks.

Jerry:Right. Well, that's... that's certainly a choice. A choice that someone might make.

Kramer:Hey Jerry, what's with no TV? You sick or something?

Jerry:I gave it away. I was watching too much.

Kramer:You gave it away? What am I supposed to do now?

Jerry:I don't know, Kramer. Read a book?

Kramer:A book? What am I, your grandmother? I'm coming over to watch your TV.

Jerry:I don't have a TV anymore, remember?

Kramer:Well, get one. I'll be here at eight.

Jerry:Why don't you go outside?

Kramer:It's raining.

Jerry:So?

Kramer:So? I'm not going out in the rain just to stand around getting wet. I need a reason to go outside. I need a destination.

Jerry:So her boyfriend never came back from Berlin? That's rough.

Marla:I know! He just disappeared.

Jerry:Well, I mean, at least you can say you were dumped for the Berlin Wall. That's a good story.

Marla:I can't move in with him.

Jerry:Why not?

Marla:Because I'm a virgin.

Jerry:You're a virgin?

Marla:Yes.

Jerry:How is that possible?

Elaine:I want to return this video tape. I know it's a couple weeks late.

Video Store Clerk:That'll be $47.50 in late fees.

Elaine:Forty-seven dollars? The movie cost eight bucks!

Video Store Clerk:Late fees accumulate daily.

Elaine:Oh no!

Guy:What is that?

Elaine:That's... that's my diaphragm.

Elaine:You never know when you're going to meet someone. I could be at the grocery store, I could be at a movie theater. I like to be prepared.

Jerry:How was I supposed to know? It's not like there's a big sign. You know, it's not like a toupee where you can spot it right away. 'Oh, that's a toupee!' No, virginity, you can't tell. There should be something. There should be a little indicator light that goes off.

Jerry:I don't want to be someone's first. I don't want that pressure. I want to be like the third or fourth. That way, they already know what they're doing, and I don't have to explain anything.

Jerry:George, you need that pioneer spirit, like Lewis and Clark.

George:Lewis and Clark? What do you want me to do?

Jerry:Some explorers die on their missions.

Jerry:No, no, no. I'm not eating anything called chow fun.

Kramer:Why not?

Jerry:Because I don't like the sound of it. Chow fun? It sounds like something you'd order at a pervert's restaurant.

Jerry:I don't want a noodle. I want a real meal. You're offering me a noodle like it's some kind of culinary achievement. It's a noodle! It's string! You boil string!

Elaine:They're like farmers! 'I gotta get up at 5 AM, I got cows to milk.' No you don't! You work at a desk!

George:So the judge says I have to be his personal servant? For how long?

Judge:Until the debt is paid in full.

George:This is involuntary servitude! This is illegal!

Judge:You should have had insurance.

George:I'm gonna be someone's slave because of a fender bender?

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, it's foolproof. I hire a butler, he lives in my apartment, handles all my affairs, and I pay him minimum wage. It's like having a personal assistant but completely legal.

Jerry:George, that's not legal.

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because you just described indentured servitude.

George:It was specifically George's enemy dish

Kramer:You hit him with your car!

George:Me? You told me to back up!

Kramer:I said go forward!

Delivery Boy:I'm calling my lawyer!

George:Do you realize what this means? If this meeting goes badly, I could be blacklisted! Blacklisted! I'll never work in this town again. Never! I'll have to move to... to Portland or something. I'll be making lattes at some coffee shop, living in a studio apartment with three roommates, eating ramen noodles for the rest of my life!

George:My sister was killed by an immigrant.

George:Yeah, he was just driving around looking for somebody to kill.

George:He didn't know her. It was completely random.

George:He just saw her on the street and he killed her.

George:Jerry, I'm telling you, I have a good feeling about this. This is the one. I can feel it.

George:We're a team. You and me. We're like a well-oiled machine. I do the thinking, you do the talking.

George:They're gonna love us. We walk in there, we're gonna own that room.

George:This is it. This is what we've been waiting for. Our shot.

Jerry:So we're waiting for a table at a Chinese restaurant. And while we're waiting, we run into someone we know, but we're not really friends with them. So there's that awkward thing where we have to make conversation, but we don't really want to.

George:Yeah, and they keep asking us questions about our lives, and we have to pretend we care.

Jerry:Exactly. We're trapped. We can't leave because we're waiting for the table, and we can't ignore them because they saw us.

George:The butler could trip over things. You know, physical comedy. A vase breaks, he slips on the water...

George:But here's the thing - every time he falls, he's gotta catch himself on something. A chair, a table, the wall. Because if he just goes down, that's slapstick. But if he's struggling to stay up, that's character.

George:What do you mean 'less medication'? I'm not on any medication.

David Letterman:Well, maybe you should be. Or maybe you should be on less of it.

Kramer:What is the Magna Carta?

Kramer:Yes! I'm on fire!

Kramer:Who is Napoleon Bonaparte?

Kramer:Oh yeah, I got it!

Kramer:What is a Bundt cake?

Kramer:Ha! I'm the best!

Susan:He's not a moron. He's only a case study.

George:She got fired? Susan got fired?

George:I didn't think it was possible. I mean, she's a network executive. How do you get fired from that?

George:Wait a minute... I got her fired. Me. I did that.

George:I'm a bad employee and a bad boyfriend, but I'm an excellent bad influence.

George:It's like The Godfather. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!

Jerry:You know, Elaine's giving relationship advice? That's like taking financial tips from a guy living in a cardboard box.

Jerry:She comes from a broken home.

Jerry:I mean, literally broken. The door doesn't close, the sink leaks... I think there's a hole in the wall.

Jerry:Susan's had a great relationship with George.

Elaine:Are you kidding? She's been a disaster since they started dating.

Jerry:What are you talking about? Name one thing.

Elaine:One thing? Her job, her apartment, her car, her family — everything has fallen apart.

Jerry:That's not George's fault.

Elaine:Jerry, she met him and her life imploded. That's cause and effect.

Jerry:So I'm a sitcom writer.

Woman at bar:Sitcoms are garbage.

Jerry:So you're telling me ancient cultures were sacrificing virgins to volcanoes? That's insane. I mean, imagine if that was a game show in heaven.

Jerry:"Welcome back to Volcano Roulette! Our next contestant, a 23-year-old virgin from Peru. Tell us, what do you do for a living?"

Jerry:"Oh, you're a shepherd? Well, let's see what you've won today... A TRIP DOWN THE VOLCANO!"

George:George's breakdown rant: 'A month and a half we had. We did nothing. We put it off until today. Then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs to apologize to a virgin, crosses against the light and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. And now we're gonna go make fools of ourselves. We got nothing.'

Jerry · George:'You're not even in show business. I got a reputation. You're dragging me into the sewer with you.' / 'I've been on TV, buddy boy.'

Jerry:Jerry faking a back injury to get out of the meeting: 'My back! My back! I can't move my back!'

George:George invents an elaborate lie: 'My sister died. She was standing on the street, and then she was laughing, and then they shot her! That's the kind of sick city we're living in! They shoot you for laughing!'

George:George's dead sister speech — 'My poor sister died. She was standing on the street, and then she was laughing, and then they shot her! That's the kind of sick city we're living in! They shoot you for laughing!'

George:George spots David Letterman walking by and abandons the meeting prep entirely to chase him

Jerry:'Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star.' [said sarcastically as Jerry is called into the meeting alone]

Rita · Jerry:'There's a problem on the set at Blossom.' / 'Oh, poor Blossom.'

Jerry:Jerry pitches the Chinese restaurant waiting concept to NBC executives — and the room falls silent

Rita · Executives:The long awkward pause after Jerry pitches the Chinese restaurant idea — 'When is Russell coming back?'

Jerry:Jerry pitches the butler idea to the executives — the one he called 'the stupidest idea I ever heard'

Jerry:'Those collars are funny. You see somebody in one of those, you start laughing immediately.'

George · Jerry:'That butler idea, that's beautiful, isn't it? Is that a killer?' / 'I thought I was getting the butler.' / 'Don't worry. We'll find something for you.'

George:'He said there was nothing he could do and next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half.'

Kramer:'Who is Joseph Cotten? Giddyup.'

George:'This is great. He fired her! This is incredible. I'm out, baby! I'm out!'

George:'Finally, my stupidity pays off!'

Jerry · George:'You can't break up with her. Her life is shattered. You gotta wait until she gets another job.' / 'Another job? A couple of interviews.' / 'Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck.'

George:'Every time I think I'm out... they pull me back in.'

Marla · Jerry:Marla asks Jerry if he'll want to leave after sex. Jerry: 'Leave? Where? Why? You know, the apartment.' / 'Why would I? This is my apartment.'

Marla:'Well, what if it was my apartment?' [Marla pushes the logic further]

Jerry:Jerry's dismissal of Elaine: 'I wouldn't put stock in anything Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home. And I mean that literally. A tree fell on the roof and cracked the structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but the house was in bad shape.'

Jerry:'More like a dope was giving it to her straight.'

Elaine · Jerry:'What about leaving after sex? Did I leave with you?' / 'You might have, if I had stayed.'

Elaine · Jerry:Recounting Susan's disaster run since meeting George: 'She's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, learned her father's a homosexual, and got fired from a high-paying job.' / 'Yeah, they had a real good thing going.'

Jerry · Party guest:Jerry at the party: 'What do I do?' / 'Well, actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.' / 'A sitcom? How can you write that crap?'

Party guests:'Carol. This guy's writing a sitcom.' / Group laughter / 'A sitcom.' / 'Can you imagine?' / 'And he actually tried to use it to hit on me.'

Jerry:Stand-up closer: Ancient tribal cultures sacrificing virgins — 'they would find some girl that had never been with anybody and throw her into a volcano. There's a first date you'll never forget.'

Jerry:'She winds up in heaven, talking with Chuck Woolery, so... "Tell me, Lisa, how did the date end?" "Not well, Chuck. Not well."'

Jerry:'Well, if you'd like to be thrown into a volcano again, we'll pay for it.'