The Sniffing Accountant

Jerry:The government is like parents. The IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver, and we're all like the kids. We're running around doing whatever we want, and they're just waiting for us to mess up so they can ground us.

Jerry:The accountant is like Eddie Haskell - the scheming troublemaker. He comes in all polite: 'Hello, Mrs. Cleaver, those are lovely casseroles.' But he's really thinking about how to hide money in the Cayman Islands.

Jerry:So I'm in the IRS office, right? And the agent looks at my returns, and suddenly he turns to me with this big smile...

IRS Agent:Well, gee whiz, Mr. Seinfeld, that's quite a creative deduction there. Why, that's almost as creative as Eddie Haskell's excuse about the broken lamp!

Jerry:And I realize - this guy's doing the Eddie Haskell! The fake politeness while accusing you of fraud!

IRS Agent:Of course, I'm sure you didn't *mean* to claim your apartment as a home office *and* your car *and* your lunch expenses...

Jerry:That's the move! You soften them up with 'Mrs. Cleaver, that's a lovely casserole,' and then - boom - you hit 'em with the audit.

Jerry:You know, the government is like your parents. When you're young, they tell you what to do. And when you break the rules, they punish you. It's the same thing. If you break a law, you go to jail. That's like being sent to your room.

Jerry:You know, if Leave It to Beaver took place in prison, that would be a very different show. The Beaver would have a completely different meaning.

Jerry:There's nothing wrong with him.

Elaine:Oh, there's gotta be something. There's always something.

Jerry:Nope. I got nothing.

Elaine:Well, keep looking. You'll find it. You always do.

Elaine:They're a very common shoe. It's actually quite attractive. It has a little sling in the back.

Elaine:So Jake feels my jacket and he's like, 'Wow, this is cashmere.' And I'm thinking, this guy really knows his fabrics. This is sophisticated.

Elaine:Turns out he works at a dry cleaner. Our entire relationship was based on him identifying fabric content.

George:What is he, a fabric salesman? Who touches fabric like that?

George:That's not romance, that's a textile convention.

Jerry:I found a sweater in the back of my closet. I don't even remember buying it. It's like archaeologists discovering a new layer of civilization. Except instead of pottery shards, it's a crew neck with a stain that looks like it has its own zip code.

Jerry:So how's my money doing?

Barry:It's green.

Barry:Hey, can I use your bathroom?

Jerry:Sure, it's down the hall.

George:Why is he sniffing like that?

Jerry:I don't know. Just... let him go.

George:I'm going to my parents' house.

Jerry:Oh, you're going home to mommy?

George:I'm a grown man. I can go to my parents' house whenever I want.

Jerry:Does mommy pack your lunch?

George:That's not funny.

George:I like a lot of ketchup on my fries, okay? Is that a crime? I'm an independent person. I make my own decisions. And I decide to use a lot of ketchup.

Estelle:You're going on an interview for a bra company? What do you know about bras?

George:I know a lot about bras. I wear one.

Estelle:You wear a bra?

George:Yes, I do.

Estelle:Well, you're not getting the job, so don't bother going.

George:I know about fabrics. I know about bras.

Frank:What are you talking about? You don't know anything about bras!

George:I know more than you think.

Frank:You don't know the first thing about bras!

Frank:What's taking so long? I can get a pair of underwear in two minutes!

Estelle:That's because you don't care what you look like!

Frank:I care! I care!

George:I'm basing my whole life on this. This is very important information.

Estelle:I told you so!

George:I don't understand the engineering. It's just two cups and a wire. How much science can there be?

Jerry:It's a little more complicated than that.

George:What? You got the cups, you got the wire, you hook 'em together. I could make a bra. I could make a bra right now.

George:I'm not doing anything wrong here. I'm just looking at it.

Estelle:What are you doing with that bra?

George:I'm examining it. There's ketchup all over it.

Estelle:You got ketchup on my bra?

George:I didn't get it on there. It was already like this.

Kramer:You know, there are certain signs. The eyes, they get real wide. The pupils dilate. There's excessive sweating, paranoia, and then there's the laughing. Oh, the laughing! It starts low and builds. And the movements become jerky, spasmodic.

Kramer:You gotta watch for the sudden interest in salt and vinegar potato chips. That's a dead giveaway.

Kramer:Yeah, well you know, drug users, they're always going to the bathroom. I read it somewhere.

Elaine:Oh my God, Jake! This is incredible! You cleaned the whole apartment AND made dinner? This is like... this is like you're a different person!

Elaine:I mean, look at this place! It's spotless! And what is that smell? Is that... did you make that from scratch?

Elaine:You know what? You're amazing. You're literally the perfect guy. I don't know why I ever complained about anything.

Elaine:From now on, this is what I expect. Every single day. This right here. Every day, Jake.

Elaine:Wait, wait, wait. Did they say 'We're having a baby' or 'We're having A baby'?

Jake:What?

Elaine:The article! Did they use 'a' or no article? Because 'we're having a baby' means they're expecting. But 'we're having baby' — that's just weird phrasing. That could mean anything!

Elaine:You see, the exclamation point is a very powerful tool. It's like emotional currency. The more exclamation points you use, the more invested you are in what you're saying.

Elaine:One exclamation point means you're mildly interested. Two means you're excited. Three or more and you're basically screaming at the person through the written word.

Jake Jarmel:Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

George:You didn't write down the message?

Jake:No, I didn't write down the message. What am I, a secretary? Do you want me to file your nails too? Maybe I could style your hair?

George:It was important!

Jake:Oh, so now I'm supposed to be psychic too? I should've transcribed your emotions while I was at it. 'Caller seemed moderately frustrated, possibly ate a tuna sandwich.'

Elaine:You see, the exclamation point is a very serious punctuation mark. It should only be used in cases of extreme excitement or importance.

Elaine:You see, the exclamation point is the most powerful punctuation mark. It's like a verbal exclamation!

Jake:So if I understand correctly, I should use exclamation points to emphasize my points!

Elaine:Exactly! You're getting it!

Jake:Well then, I'm breaking up with you!

Jerry:You broke up with him because of an exclamation point?

Elaine:It wasn't just the exclamation point!

Jerry:What was it then?

Elaine:It was the way he used it. He wrote 'I had a great time!' Like he was surprised!

Jerry:So you're saying... a man cannot use an exclamation point in a note to his girlfriend.

Jerry:I told you! I said you'd break up with him. I said, 'You're gonna find something wrong with him.' And you did! You found something wrong with him!

Kramer:I got it. I got it. You call him up, right? And you listen very carefully to the tone of his voice.

Jerry:The tone of his voice?

Kramer:Yeah, if he's on drugs, there's a certain inflection, a certain way he'll pronounce his words.

Jerry:That's your big plan?

Kramer:It's foolproof!

Jerry:Hello? Yeah, hi Barry. I'm calling because I wanted to ask you something. Where are you going this weekend?

Barry:I'm going to the Hamptons.

Jerry:The Hamptons? Really? That's interesting because I heard you were going to be in the city.

Barry:No, no, I'm definitely going to the Hamptons.

Jerry:Uh-huh. And you're sure about that?

Barry:Yes, I'm sure!

Jerry:Well, that's weird because Kramer saw you at the bus terminal with a suitcase heading towards Atlantic City.

George:People go to South America.

Kramer:Yeah, to smuggle drugs.

George:Hey, hey, hey! South America is a continent. You can't just lump it all together like that. There's Brazil, there's Argentina, there's... Chile. These are sophisticated nations with rich histories and cultures. You think they're all just sitting around waiting to smuggle drugs? That's offensive!

George:You know, I think you're a communist.

Kramer:Yeah, I know.

Newman:He's going to South America? What's he doing down there?

Jerry:I don't know, something about a job.

Newman:A job? In South America? He better be careful. That's where all the cocaine comes from.

Newman:You know, he's gonna need some winter equipment. A heavy coat, a scarf, some gloves... Maybe a little something to keep him warm on those long nights, if you know what I mean.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, I'm on it. I got a whole FBI operation going on down there.

Kramer:I got surveillance equipment, I got a wiretap, I got the whole thing.

George:The Abscam! You know about Abscam? It was an FBI sting operation in the late seventies. They set up this fake company, pretended to be Arab sheiks with money to invest, and politicians would come in offering to do favors for bribes. It was beautiful! It was a beautiful sting!

George:But Kramer, you're not an Arab sheik. You're a guy who lives above a bagel shop!

George:Tuesday has a feel to it.

Jerry:Tuesday has a feel? What are you talking about?

George:You know, Tuesday just has a certain feel.

Jerry:Well, if Tuesday has a feel, then every day has a feel. Monday's depressing, Wednesday is in the middle of the week so you're not sure about it, Thursday you're getting close to Friday so you're getting excited, Friday you've made it, Saturday is god's day, and Sunday you're already afraid it's going to end.

Jerry:Tuesday has no feel. Tuesday is just sort of there.

George:What do you mean 'no feel'? Tuesday has a feel.

Jerry:No it doesn't.

George:Yes it does. Tuesday has a very specific feel.

Jerry:What feel?

George:Tuesday feels like... Tuesday.

Kramer:You stay in the car.

Newman:I'm not staying in the car! This is a challenge to the whole power structure of the Eastern Seaboard!

Newman:Why should I listen to you? What gives you the authority?

Kramer:I'm tall, I'm mysterious, I wear an overcoat... these things command respect!

George:Why do you need me in the car?

Jerry:In case I need someone to tell me stories about their day.

Kramer:So, uh, what's your name, chief?

Bartender:It's Frank.

Kramer:Frank, right, right. Hey Frank, how about another one, my man? You're a real... uh... Ferdinand, you know that?

Bartender:It's Frank.

Kramer:Yeah, yeah, Ferdinand. We're pals now, Ferdinand.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about us bonding over a few beers.

Jerry:Yeah? What kind of bonding?

Kramer:Well, you know, just two guys, talking about life, the universe... dangerous things we've done.

Kramer:I don't smoke. I never touch them.

Kramer:Well, except for a little drag now and then. You know, I like to take a few puffs, maybe even inhale a little bit.

Kramer:Hey everybody, I'd like to make a toast. To the man who introduced me to the white powder... that changed my life.

Kramer:My good friend, my dentist, Dr. Whatley. He gave me this wonderful cocaine— I mean, this wonderful coke... I mean, this wonderful Coca-Cola... for my tooth sensitivity.

Kramer:Hey, you got any... you know, stuff?

Barry:Stuff? What kind of stuff?

Kramer:The good stuff. The real deal.

Barry:Oh! You mean this new whitening toothpaste? It's fantastic. Really gets your teeth bright.

Kramer:That's... that's what you have?

Barry:And I've also got this amazing floss. Mint flavored. Changes your life.

Kramer:I thought you were a dealer.

Barry:I am! In premium dental hygiene products. Best margins in the city.

Kramer:You gotta try this new floss, Barry. It's got a little mint flavor to it.

Barry:I don't know, Kramer. I've been using the same floss for twenty years.

Kramer:Twenty years?! That's insane! Your gums are probably deteriorating as we speak!

Barry:My dentist says I'm fine.

Kramer:Your dentist is an idiot! These new products, they're engineered! Scientists have been working on this for years!

Barry:I'm going to the bathroom.

Kramer:Yeah, you do that. I'll be out here scoring some... uh... getting some... you know, taking care of business.

Barry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Nothing! Just hanging out, man. Real cool. No big whoop.

Barry:Are you high right now?

Kramer:High? No! I'm just... you know... keeping it real. Living on the edge.

Kramer:Hey Barry, you wanna grab some coffee?

Barry:No, I don't think so.

Kramer:Come on, it'll be fun!

Barry:Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm gonna have to pass.

Newman:I'm switching to Glide. It's a better floss.

Jerry:Glide? Newman, you can't just switch brands like that.

Newman:Why not? Glide is superior.

George:Because you're a Reach man, Newman. You've always been a Reach man.

Newman:Well, maybe I don't want to be a Reach man anymore.

Jerry:This is about loyalty, Newman. You stick with your floss.

Newman:I'm telling you, Glide changed my life!

Newman:You two are arguing about dental floss? DENTAL FLOSS?! This is what you people do with your time?

George:I think I could do this job. I have a real passion for brassieres.

George:My whole life, I've always been very passionate about brassieres.

George:I'm telling you, it started in the seventh grade. Mrs. Henderson's bra strap was showing, and I became transfixed. From that moment on, I was a bra man. It's not about the woman, it's about the architecture, the engineering. The way it supports, the way it lifts. It's a marvel of modern science.

George:You know, people don't realize what they have with a good bra. It's not just a garment, it's a philosophy. It's about support, it's about confidence, it's about knowing that when you walk out that door in the morning, you're not just wearing fabric — you're wearing a promise. A promise that says 'I believe in myself.'

George:I've seen what a quality bra can do for a woman. I've seen the transformation. It's like watching someone discover religion, except better, because you can actually see the results.

George:You see, the underwire is the key to the whole operation. Without it, the whole thing collapses. It's like a suspension bridge.

George:And the clasp in the back? That's precision engineering. You can't just hook it anywhere. It has to be exact.

George:Most women don't even understand the structural integrity of what they're wearing. It's actually quite complex.

George:I'll be there Monday at 9.

George:Actually, you know what? I'll come in a little early that day, just to show you how dedicated I am.

George:How about 8:30?

Ms. De Granmont:What were you doing with those bras?

George:I was just... looking at the construction.

Ms. De Granmont:You're a very strange man.

Boss:Elaine, I've noticed you use an excessive number of exclamation points in your editing. Why is that?

Elaine:Well, I think they're necessary! They convey enthusiasm! And urgency! People need to know when something is important!

Mr. Lippman:Look at this. 'I'm wearing a new shirt!' 'I had a salad for lunch!' 'I'm going to the dry cleaners!'

Elaine:So?

Mr. Lippman:So? You're killing me with these exclamation points! A woman is going to the dry cleaners. That's not a news flash!

Elaine:What? The exclamation point is warranted! You're reaching into a vending machine, you're expecting a Clark bar, and it doesn't come out! That's a betrayal! That's an emergency!

Jerry:Dear Barry, comma, I am writing to inform you that effective immediately, period, you are fired, period, exclamation point.

Pizza Guy:So what's with all the sniffing?

Kramer:What sniffing? I don't sniff.

Pizza Guy:Everyone on the block thinks you're sniffing something.

Kramer:I'm not sniffing anything!

Barry:I have allergies.

Jerry:Allergies?

Barry:Yeah, pollen, dust, mold. My sinuses are a mess.

Newman:I can't believe I wrote that letter with all those exclamation points!

Jerry:What's wrong with exclamation points?

Newman:What's wrong?! I sound like an idiot! Every sentence screams desperation!

Jerry:It's not that bad.

Newman:Not that bad?! I also mentioned my feelings about her in graphic detail!

Jerry:What is this? What are you doing?

Jake:What?

Jerry:You're rubbing the fabric. Why are you rubbing the fabric?

Jake:I'm checking the quality.

Jerry:You're checking the quality? What are you, a fabric expert? Do I look like I need fabric validation from you?

Jerry:Why do people do this? You go to a fabric store, you pick up a bolt of fabric, and you just... feel it. Feel it like it means something. Like the fabric is going to tell you a secret.

Jerry:What are you learning? What information is being transmitted through your fingertips? 'Oh yes, this is... linty.' That's it. That's all you ever get.

Jerry:And then you put it back. You don't buy it. You just needed to feel it to confirm that it was, in fact, fabric.

Jerry:Chapter 11? That's just a fancy way of saying you're broke. It's like saying 'I'm not poor, I'm just financially challenged.' No, you're broke. You spent all your money and now you don't have any. That's broke.

Jerry:It's 100% cotton.

Jerry:It's 100% polyester.

Jerry:It's 100% wool.

Jerry:It's 100% nylon.

Jerry:How is that possible?

Jerry:An accountant on drugs? That seems like a contradiction. I mean, you need drugs to make interesting things more interesting. An accountant? An accountant on drugs is just... an accountant.

Jerry:So the accountant gets caught with drugs, right? And he goes to court, and the judge says, 'Sir, we're very sorry. We've made a terrible mistake. Here are your drugs back.'

Jerry:Turns out they were his business expenses.

Kramer:You know, you are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.

Barry Prophet:Sorry I'm late. I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.

George · Jerry · Kramer:He's filing Chapter 11? / What's going on? Why is he filing Chapter 11? / Bankruptcy. / Bankruptcy. As in, 'I've taken your money and spent it on drugs.'

George:What? I thought it was the sweater.

Jerry:Which I would've done if a certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter.

Newman:Pair of bear claws, please.

Jerry · Man in Coffee Shop:Think so? / Yeah, what is it? / Half silk, half cotton, half linen. / How can you go wrong?

Jerry:My accountant actually did take a big chunk of money from me and use it to buy drugs. The thing that was hardest for me to comprehend about this is the life choice of drug abuse and accounting.

Jerry:It makes sense. Why would an athlete or musician take drugs? They have an interesting job. But an accountant? If ever a job required hallucinogenic support, this is the job.

Jerry:That should be the legal defense. 'You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics.' 'But, Your Honor, I'm an accountant.' Bang. 'Case closed. Bailiff, give this man his peyote and tequila back for the drive home. Sorry to bother you, sir. Terribly sorry.'