The Non Fat Yogurt

Jerry:Who got glasses before they were ten?

Audience Member 1:Eight!

Audience Member 2:Five!

Audience Member 3:Three!

Audience Member 4:Two!

Jerry:So when were you born?

Baby:Well, I came out of the womb, and the first thing I noticed was the lighting was terrible. Very harsh. And these hands kept coming at my face. I said, 'Personal space, people.' Then they handed me to my mother, and I said, 'Nice try, but you're not the real thing.' Then they put these drops in my eyes, and I said, 'What is this, some kind of joke? Do you have a lens cloth?'

Jerry:So what's in this coffee yogurt?

Elaine:Coffee beans.

Jerry:Coffee beans? How did they get coffee beans in yogurt?

Elaine:I don't know, they just... put them in there.

Jerry:Well, that's what makes it coffee yogurt.

Elaine:Oh! Oh my God, I never realized that!

Jerry:Here, taste it.

Elaine:Oh, you're good. You let me taste your yogurt so that later when you want to taste my dessert, I'll feel obligated to let you. It's a yogurt quid pro quo.

Elaine:This yogurt is amazing! It's so creamy and delicious, I could eat this every single day!

Elaine:Oh for f—! I mean... hello there, little one.

Jerry:Elaine!

George:Lloyd Braun! Hey, how are ya?

Lloyd:George! Great to see you!

George:Yeah, yeah... so what are you up to these days?

Lloyd:Oh, I'm doing really well. I just got promoted at work.

George:Promoted? That's... that's nice. I mean, it's not that big of a deal. Promotions happen all the time. I could get promoted tomorrow if I wanted to. I just don't want to.

Lloyd:You still living at home?

George:Yeah.

George:My mother, she makes my breakfast, my lunch... she irons my clothes. I'm very happy.

George:So, you like the Yankees?

Lloyd:What's wrong with your arm?

George:My arm? Nothing's wrong with my arm.

Lloyd:You keep jerking it like that.

George:Oh, that. Yeah, it's a condition. Very rare. The doctors don't even have a name for it yet.

Lloyd:Really?

George:They're calling it George Costanza Syndrome. It comes and goes. Very unpredictable.

George:I have this condition where my brain is getting smaller.

Lloyd:Yeah, well, a lot of people have that.

Elaine:Lloyd is so attractive.

George:Are you kidding? Look at him! He's a mess!

Jerry:George, he left five minutes ago.

Jerry:I was thinking about the Ottoman Empire, right? And I realized - nobody ever talks about Ottoman furniture. You know what I mean? It's an empire, but we only know it from a piece of furniture. That's all we got out of it. No other empire has that problem. You don't sit on a 'Roman Empire.' You don't put your feet up on a 'British Empire.' But the Ottomans? That's what we remember them by. Four hundred years of history, and we're like, 'Yeah, but did they make a good ottoman?'

Elaine:I bit my mouth.

Jerry:How do you bite your own mouth?

Elaine:I was eating and I wasn't paying attention.

Jerry:Well, you've been eating your whole life. You'd think you'd be better at it by now.

Kramer:You know, you're getting a little thick around the middle.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:Yeah, I'd say you've put on... what, fifteen, twenty pounds?

Jerry:I have not!

Kramer:No no, maybe thirty. Thirty-five tops.

Kramer:You know, you really should do something about that hair. It's not doing you any favors.

Elaine:Excuse me?

Kramer:I'm just saying, a little conditioner wouldn't kill you.

Jerry:Okay, we're getting on the scale. Right now.

Elaine:I don't want to get on the scale.

Kramer:Come on, get on the scale.

Jerry:I've gained eight pounds!

Elaine:I've gained seven!

Kramer:I told you! I told you people were getting fatter!

Elaine:Oh, come on! I've seen you! You sit there with a glass of milk, you twist it open, you scrape the filling out with your teeth, and you throw the cookie part over your shoulder!

Elaine:Why do you think I gained weight?

Kramer:You eat too much.

Elaine:The yogurt has fat in it.

Kramer:Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.

Kramer:It's non-fat yogurt. I'm telling you, it's non-fat.

Jerry:How do you know?

Kramer:I know. I can tell by the way it feels.

Jerry:You can tell by the way it feels?

Kramer:Yeah, non-fat has a different... viscosity.

Jerry:Viscosity?

Kramer:I'm so confident, I'll bet you fifty bucks it's non-fat.

Jerry:You're on.

Kramer:If I'm wrong, I'll never eat yogurt again. Ever.

Kramer:Giddyup!

Frank:Tap dancing? That's not a skill. Any idiot can bang their feet on the ground.

Estelle:Frank, that's not true. It takes coordination and rhythm.

Frank:Coordination? Estelle, I've seen you walk to the kitchen. You nearly took out the china cabinet last week.

Frank Costanza:You know, I've been thinking about this tap dancing thing. The taller you are, the better you tap dance.

George Costanza:Dad, that makes no sense.

Frank Costanza:Why not? More leg to work with! It's simple physics!

Estelle:What is that? What are you doing?

George:Nothing, nothing, it's just a little thing I do.

Estelle:Well, stop it. You look like you're having a stroke.

Frank:George, why are you walking like that?

George:I have a bad back. I threw it out at work.

Estelle:You never told us about this!

George:It just happened. It's very serious.

Frank:Well, you should see a doctor. I know a guy.

George:No, no doctors. I'm handling it my own way.

Estelle:George, you're sweating. Are you in pain right now?

George:Yes! Yes, terrible pain. Especially when I... when I bend like this.

Frank:But you just bent like that five minutes ago.

George:That was before it got worse.

Frank:The Mayor knows who you are?

Frank:Mayor Dinkins knows about you!

Frank:This is incredible! My son, the Mayor knows about him!

Mary:My son, he's picked up this terrible habit. He curses at everything.

Mary:Yesterday I asked him to pass the salt. You know what he said?

Mary's Son:Pass the f***ing salt!

Mary:The salt! Who curses at salt?

Jerry:Does this yogurt have fat in it?

Mary:Well, you know, I wish you wouldn't use that kind of language around me. I find it very offensive.

Jerry:What language? I didn't say anything.

Mary:Well, I don't give a damn what you said, just watch your f***ing mouth!

Newman:I said to him, 'I don't care how old you are. You're not getting my yogurt!'

Newman:I'm telling you, this nonfat yogurt is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I feel like I've discovered something profound, like I'm making a real contribution to society. This yogurt... it's changed my life.

Kramer:Oh, you're a real smart guy! You got your doctorate from a Froyo cup!

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer rushes the yogurt sample to the lab, worried it's melting. Jerry says 'So what?' Kramer: 'It changes the molecules.' Jerry: 'You don't know what you're talking about.' Kramer: 'Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology.'

Jerry:I'm going to ask out the lab technician.

Kramer:You can't just ask her out. You need to establish a pattern of behavior first.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:It's like a trial. You need evidence, precedent. You can't just spring it on her.

Jerry:This isn't a courtroom, Kramer.

Kramer:Everything's a courtroom. Even yogurt testing. You think they just taste it once and make a decision? No! They do it multiple times, build a case.

Kramer:What is that smell?

Jerry:What smell? There's no smell.

Kramer:That smell! It's everywhere!

Jerry:Kramer, there is no smell. You're imagining things.

Kramer:I'm not imagining it! Don't you smell that?

Jerry:No! And you know what? I don't care anymore!

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Elaine:I'm not going to lie about your arm.

George:What? Why not?

Elaine:Because it's wrong, George. If I lie about your arm, what's next? Am I going to lie about other things? And then one day we're married and I'm lying about everything!

George:We're not getting married!

Elaine:I know, but if we were!

Kid:Hey, you're a really funny guy. That's some good shit.

Jerry:Thanks... I think.

Elaine · George:Elaine reveals Lloyd Braun called her and they're going out

Kid:Are you kidding me? That's the best part!

Kid:*launches into elaborate string of profanities*

Elaine:You know what the problem is with the city? People are so alienated, so disconnected from each other.

Lloyd:What do you suggest?

Elaine:Well, what if everyone just... smiled at each other more?

Lloyd:That's your solution?

Elaine:Yeah! Just smiling. That would solve everything. Urban alienation: gone.

George · Elaine:Elaine: 'What if we get married? We'll always have that between us.' George: 'Already you're marrying this guy?' Elaine: 'You never know.' George: 'Believe me, you're not gonna marry him.'

Kramer:See, with nametags, you know who you're dealing with. It's all very civilized.

Jerry:Yeah, except now the serial killers know our names too.

Kramer:Positive.

Doctor:You're not sick. You're a hypochondriac.

Doctor:Actually, you're worse than a hypochondriac. You're a liar.

Doctor:And not just any liar. You're a petty, small-minded, conniving little man who wastes people's time with his ridiculous made-up ailments.

Doctor:I should report you to the medical board for wasting my time. But frankly, you're not worth the paperwork.

TV Reporter:We're getting reports that Rudy Giuliani's cholesterol is at an extremely dangerous level. Doctors say if it gets any higher, he may have to drop out of the race.

Giuliani:This yogurt has ruined my health! My digestion, my energy levels—everything!

Kramer:Wait a minute... if Giuliani's been sick this whole time, he couldn't campaign properly.

Kramer:We changed the entire election with a cup of yogurt!

Frank:A nametag? Why would I wear a nametag? I'm Frank Costanza, everybody knows who I am.

Estelle:But Frank, a nametag is professional. It shows you care about customer service. Lloyd wore one and look how well he did!

Frank:Lloyd? Lloyd got fired!

Estelle:Yes, but it wasn't because of the nametag.

Newman:You think you can just walk away from this? That yogurt was supposed to be non-fat!

Newman:I'm going to expose you, Jerry. I'm going to tell everyone what you did.

Jerry:Newman, it was just yogurt.

Newman:JUST yogurt? This is about integrity! Your reputation will be ruined!

Kramer:A lab mistake that actually helped Giuliani win the election?

Child:You ruined my family's yogurt business, you son of a bitch! My father lost everything because of you, you bastard! Now my mother's working three jobs and my sister had to drop out of school. I hope you're happy, you goddamn son of a bitch!

Jerry:Cursing as a kid is like getting car keys. You know your parents have them, you see them use them all the time, but you can't have them. And when you finally get them, it's the best thing in the world.

Jerry:You know what I've realized? As a kid, you can say any curse word you want. But as an adult, you can't. So what do we do? We come up with these ridiculous substitute words. 'What the frick?' 'Son of a biscuit!' 'Dag nabbit!' We sound insane. We're grown men yelling 'Shoot!' at traffic.

Jerry:What's the deal with 'diddly'? It's not even a real curse word. You say 'diddly' and nobody knows what you mean. It's like saying 'yippee' - it's a celebration!

Jerry:You know what I've noticed about traveling? Everyone says you should learn the language. 'Learn the language, Jerry, it shows respect.' So I try. I get a phrase book. You know what I learn first? 'Where is the bathroom?' That's it. That's my cultural exploration. I'm reducing an entire civilization to their plumbing infrastructure. I don't know their history, their art, their literature. But I can tell you exactly where to take a dump in seventeen different languages.

George · Elaine · Lloyd:George explains the nametag idea: 'One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear nametags to make the city friendlier. Everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town.'

George:George hears Dinkins has adopted the nametag policy from the news: 'He's becoming a laughingstock! The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. Nametags!'

Jerry:Jerry, correcting George's mockery of the nametag idea: 'I don't think it's so bad. People should wear nametags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How you doing, Joe?"'

Jerry:The yogurt verdict call: 'Well... the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!'

George:George's arm 'involuntary spasm' continuing the next morning: 'The next morning, I woke up and it was going like this. I can control it if I really concentrate... but otherwise...'

Doctor · George:The doctor confronts George directly: 'May I suggest the possibility that you're faking.' George: 'Faking? What makes you think I have time to see doctors, take x-rays, make appointments when there's nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?'

George:What makes you think that I have time... to see doctors take x-rays, make appointments... when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that?

Doctor · George:The doctor's withering dismissal: 'Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time.' / 'Goodbye.' / 'Now see here, doctor' / 'I said, goodbye.' / 'Fine.'

News anchor (voice):Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today... when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375.

News Announcer · Giuliani:Giuliani's press conference reveals his cholesterol is '375' — and his only dietary indulgence was the nonfat frozen yogurt

News anchor (voice):In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top adviser, Lloyd Braun, who was believed responsible for the nametag fiasco.

Kramer:Kramer is still furious about the yogurt losing its nonfat status — 'Nametags! Nametags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in that idea?' — not realizing he's ranting about George's idea

Jerry:Jerry (unaware of everything) earnestly defends the nametag idea again: 'Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How you doing, Joe?"' — while the political world burns over it

Lloyd · George:Lloyd notices George's arm spasm again: 'Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away.' George: 'I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The group mourns the yogurt being confirmed as fat: 'The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.' 'Oh, it stinks.' 'Mine too.' 'I got one more day.' 'I can't eat this.'

Newman · Jerry:Newman confronts Jerry: 'Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. It was good! I was enjoying it. Had to interfere, couldn't leave well enough alone. I will get even with you for this. You can count on it.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The news report reveals Giuliani's high cholesterol was caused by blood from the yogurt lab sample contaminating his test tube — and this yogurt scandal 'probably clinched the election for the Republican.'

Kramer:I can't eat this. [Kramer suffering through his all-yogurt diet]

Matthew · Jerry:Final scene: Matthew the child shouts at Jerry: 'Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat f**k.'

Matthew:Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat f**k.

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up closing: 'There's nothing more fun than cursing when you're a kid. It's like getting the keys to the car.' / Adult cursing: 'Fudge! Sugar! Consarnit!'

Jerry:Stand-up closer: 'If you've been to a foreign country, the first thing you learn are the curse words... You travel halfway around the world to experience some exotic civilization, the first thing you ask is, "How do they say doodie here?"'