The Barber

Jerry:You know what's happening to barbershops? They're disappearing. And I'll tell you why — it's economics. A barber has to invest thousands of dollars in equipment. Chairs, mirrors, clippers, the whole setup. Thousands of dollars. And what does he get? A tip. 'Here's three bucks, thanks for the haircut.' Three dollars! The guy spent more than that on the chair you're sitting in.

Jerry:You know what your problem is? You're thinking like a barber. You gotta think like a businessman.

Jerry:That chair is an asset. You depreciate it over time. You don't just throw it out because it's a little worn.

Jerry:What you do is, you sell it to another barber shop. They get a used chair, you get some money back. Everybody wins.

Jerry:It's basic economics. It's not rocket science.

Jerry:You know what I never understood? Barber licenses. What are they licensing? The ability to cut hair in a straight line? That's not a skill, that's a direction.

Jerry:I mean, we license doctors, we license lawyers, we license people to drive cars. But a guy with scissors and a comb? 'Here's your license. Try not to give anyone a mohawk.'

Jerry:There are no laws in hair cutting.

Jerry:But there is one law: you cannot look in the mirror for the first 15 minutes. That's the one law.

Jerry:You know what's crazy about the barber mirror? They show you the back of your head with that second mirror. You see it for like two seconds, and that's it. You'll never see the back of your head again in your life.

Jerry:Think about it - that's the only time. It's like they're doing you this huge favor, 'Here, Jerry, get a good look at it, because you're never gonna see it again!' And you're like, 'Thanks, I'll treasure this moment.'

Jerry:What if it looks completely different? What if you turned around and it was like a Picasso painting back there? You'd never know!

Jerry:It's like when you go to buy pants. The salesman lifts you up to show you the hidden seams.

Jerry:You know what the problem is? Everyone's always looking at things from their own perspective. Nobody ever considers what it would be like to see everything from a completely different angle.

Jerry:A fly though... a fly's got it figured out. Eyes on the sides of its head, sees in all directions at once. They're the only creatures that actually have a comprehensive view of what's going on.

Jerry:We're stuck here, limited vision, missing half the world. Meanwhile a fly lands on your wall and it's got the premium seating to everything. That's the real way to live.

Boss:We're a small but prestigious company.

George:Small but prestigious. That's how I describe myself.

George:Thank you, sir. I pride myself on my understanding. It's something I've been working on for years. I've read books, taken courses. Understanding is really my passion.

George:Of course...

Jerry:You'll be working with a lot of people.

Jerry:So I'm thinking, 'You know, maybe she meant... I'm going to call you later... and we're going to commit insurance fraud together.'

Jerry:You know, when you're applying for a job, they ask you all these questions. 'What are your strengths?' 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' But nobody ever asks the important questions.

Jerry:Like, 'Are you comfortable with mild sexual harassment in the workplace?' Because that's the real interview question. That's what separates the candidates.

Jerry:The guy who gets the job is the one who says, 'Yeah, I'm fine with that. In fact, I was hoping for it.'

George:If I call her back, I'm too eager. If I don't call her back, I'm not interested.

Jerry:So what are you gonna do?

George:I'm gonna do nothing. It's my best move.

Jerry:Who cut your hair? It looks terrible.

Kramer:Your barber.

Jerry:My barber? He's not a butcher!

Kramer:Well, he butchered my hair.

Jerry:I've been going to the same barber for 12 years. Twelve years! And he's terrible. He's always been terrible. I don't know how this happened. How do you stay with someone for 12 years when they're bad at what they do?

Jerry:But I can't leave. I can't just not show up. That would be rude. So I'm trapped. I'm in a relationship with my barber and I hate it.

Jerry:It's like a bad marriage, except every six weeks I have to go back and let him ruin my hair again.

George:I would've gone for at least $500. Maybe $600. I'm very sought after.

George:There are women out there who would pay good money to spend an evening with me.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, I could cure polio. I really could.

Jerry:George, they already cured polio.

George:Well, yeah, but I could do it again.

George:What? Polio's been cured? Since when?

Gino · Jerry · Kramer:Gino: 'You've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had.' — immediately followed by Kramer's horrified reaction

Enzo:Jerry! You come to see me! You look fantastic, my friend. I give you the best cut in all of New York!

Jerry:Actually, Enzo, I was just—

Enzo:No, no, no. Sit down. You need a trim. I can see it. Come, come!

Jerry:But Enzo, it's your day off. I don't want to bother you.

Enzo:My day off? For you, Jerry? Never! You are my favorite customer. Twenty years! Twenty years you come to Enzo. I would close the whole shop for you!

Jerry:Really, I appreciate that, but—

Enzo:The way you trust me with your hair, Jerry. It means everything. My own sons, they don't have this kind of loyalty!

Jerry:Well, when you put it that way...

Jerry:Just take a little off the top, okay? Not too much.

Enzo:Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

Jerry:I'm serious. Just a trim. A light trim.

Enzo:You tell me, I do. You don't tell me, I do anyway. Either way, I do.

Kramer:This guy, he is the best barber in the city. I mean, he's an artist. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Jerry:Yeah? So what's the problem?

Kramer:There is no problem. I'm telling you, this guy is great.

Kramer:What did you do to your hair?

Jerry:I got a haircut.

Kramer:A haircut? You look like a 12-year-old Dutch boy!

Jerry:I got a bad haircut today. A really bad one. So I'm thinking, maybe if I use a really good shampoo, it'll somehow... fix it. Like the shampoo's got some magical properties that can reshape hair that's already been cut off. I'm standing in the shower thinking, 'Come on, shampoo, work with me here. Make it longer. Make it fuller. Make it not look like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket.'

Kramer:You gotta break up with him.

Jerry:I can't break up with my barber. He's been cutting my hair for ten years.

Kramer:So what? You break up with people.

Jerry:It's not the same. Besides, he knows my hair. He knows exactly what to do with it.

Kramer:That's what they all say.

Jerry:And I'd feel terrible. He'd be devastated. What would he do without me?

Kramer:You sound like you're in a relationship.

Jerry:Look, I know we've had our ups and downs, but you're my barber. That means something to me. I can't just walk into another barbershop. That would be like... cheating.

Barber:It's just a haircut, Jerry.

Jerry:Just a haircut? Just a haircut?! We have history! Remember when you gave me that bad cut before my date with that woman from the coffee shop? You apologized! You felt terrible! That's not nothing!

Jerry:I'm willing to work on this relationship. Maybe we could see someone. A mediator. Someone who understands the barber-client dynamic.

Jerry:Look at this haircut. It's a disaster.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. Let me see that. Hmm. Yeah, I know who did this.

Jerry:You do?

Kramer:Oh yeah. That's Gino's work. You can tell by the way he tapers the sideburn. It's like a signature. See, every barber has their own style. It's like authentication.

George:I'm just going to walk in there and pretend I work there.

Jerry:What do you mean pretend? You didn't get the job.

George:So? I'll just show up tomorrow, sit at a desk, act like I belong there.

Jerry:They're going to figure it out.

George:Not if I'm confident. Confidence is key. Nobody questions a confident man.

George:I'm going to go in there, I'm going to sit down, and I'm going to tell her that I'm very impressed with the way she handles herself in the office, and I'm going to suggest that we go out to dinner.

George:And if things go well, I'm going to be very direct. I'm going to suggest we go back to my apartment, and I'm going to ensconsce myself on the couch.

George:What's the worst that could happen?

Jerry:I don't know, you could humiliate yourself in front of the entire world, lose your job, your apartment, your friends...

Jerry:You could end up alone, eating cereal for dinner every night, watching TV by yourself...

Jerry:That's the worst that could happen.

Jerry:It's the little things. It's supposed to be something that would be, you know, a little uncomfortable.

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Jerry:Wait, I just realized something. You have no shame, do you?

George:Not a shred.

Jerry:This is actually brilliant. Most people, they live their whole lives afraid of embarrassment. You've just... opted out.

George:I find once you've humiliated yourself in public, it's quite liberating.

Jerry:You're like a man who discovered a loophole in the human condition.

Receptionist:Can I help you?

George:Yeah, I work here.

Receptionist:You do?

George:Yeah, I'm a statistical analysis and compression company.

Receptionist:Oh, okay. Let me just add you to the system.

Mike:So you're a marine biologist?

George:Yes, that's right.

Mike:That's fantastic. What kind of work do you do?

George:Well, I work with marine mammals. Primarily whales and dolphins.

Employee:I should check with Jack about the office assignment.

George:No, no, no. Jack doesn't know anything about this. I'll handle it.

George:I think I'll take the smaller office.

George:I like to be in a smaller space. It makes me feel secure, like I'm being hugged. I love to be nestled.

George:Oh yes, the Pensky file. I'm familiar with it. Very familiar. I've been up to my neck in the Pensky file for the last couple of weeks.

George:Oh, Pensky? Yeah, I know Pensky. We go way back. I'll take care of it.

George:Don't worry about Pensky. Me and Pensky, we're like that. I'll smooth it over.

George:I'm very popular there. People really enjoy having me around.

Jerry:That's great, George.

George:Yeah, I made up this thing where I give toasts at the office. You know, for birthdays, engagements, that sort of thing.

Jerry:You give toasts?

George:Yeah, I'm very good at it. I have a very good sense of humor. People come up to me and they say, 'George, we're going to need you to say a few words.'

Kramer:Gino, I need you to fix Jerry's haircut.

Gino:I can't do that. My uncle, he's the master barber. If I touch Jerry's hair, he'll know. He'll know!

Kramer:So what? Just fix it.

Gino:You don't understand. In our family, the barber hierarchy is everything. My uncle, he's at the top. If I cut hair without his blessing, he'll disown me.

Gino:This movie, Enzo! This movie is incredible! I've seen it four times already!

Enzo:Four times? Gino, the movie came out last week.

Gino:I know! I'm going again tonight. You have to come with me.

Enzo:Gino, I can't keep doing this. Every time I see you, it's about this movie.

Gino:But you don't understand—

Enzo:No, YOU don't understand. I have a life!

Enzo:I don't understand this movie. The guy has scissors for hands. How does he go to the bathroom?

Gino:You know, I think Edward Scissorhands would make a great barber. No combs to buy, no scissors to sharpen. He's got it all built in! The man is a genius!

Gino:You know, having scissors for hands... there's something romantic about that. It's like you're always ready to cut through the noise of the world.

Enzo:Yeah, but how does he wipe his ass?

Jerry:You know what would be more practical than scissor hands? Spatula hands. You could flip pancakes, scrape ice off your windshield, spread peanut butter...

Jerry:With scissor hands you're limited. You can cut things. That's it. But spatula hands? Now you've got versatility.

Enzo:What is this hair doing on my floor?

Gino:It's not hair, it's... it's lint. From the chair.

Enzo:Gino, I can see it's hair.

Gino:Okay, okay, it's hair from my head. I was nervous, I was pulling it out.

Enzo:That's your hair?

Gino:Yes. I have a condition. Very stressed lately.

Enzo:This hair... where have I seen this before?

Enzo:Wait a minute. This is... this is my hair!

Jerry:What if Enzo recognizes me by my hair? I mean, what if he sees me on the street and he's like, 'Hey, that's the guy with the hair!'

Kramer:Jerry, nobody cares about your hair.

Jerry:You don't think so?

Kramer:No.

Elaine:I mean, what is that? You look like you stuck your finger in a socket.

Jerry:It's not that bad.

Elaine:Not that bad? You look like Bozo the Clown had a nervous breakdown.

Kramer:I think it's got a certain charm.

Elaine:Charm? Kramer, he looks like he lost a fight with a weed whacker.

Newman:You know, I've been going to the same barber for fifteen years. Fifteen years! And you know what he said to me last week? He said, 'Newman, you've got good hands. You could be a barber.' A BARBER! Can you imagine? Me, a barber. I could do it too. I've got the touch, the sensitivity. But no, I'm a mailman. A mailman! Delivering other people's letters while my true calling goes unrealized.

Newman:I am special.

Enzo:You know, Jerry, there's a difference between being funny and being a liar.

Enzo:One makes people laugh. The other makes people leave.

Enzo:I give you free haircuts, you come to my barbershop, I cut your hair.

Newman:That sounds great!

Enzo:But first, I need a hair sample from Jerry Seinfeld.

Newman:What? Why would you need Jerry's hair?

Enzo:I need to study it. The texture, the wave, the character. I must understand the hair before I can cut the hair of his friend.

Newman:I want your hair, Jerry.

Jerry:My hair? Newman, what are you talking about?

Newman:You heard me. I want it. I'm prepared to make you an offer.

Jerry:Newman, my hair is not for sale.

Newman:Everything's for sale. Name your price.

Jerry:There is no price!

Newman:Alright, I'll throw in the comb.

George:Mr. Pensky, I presume?

Pensky:Yes, that's right. I've heard a lot about you from Mr. Steinbrenner.

George:Well, I hope it's all been positive. I've been working very hard on the Biscayne account.

Pensky:The Biscayne account? We don't have a Biscayne account.

George:Oh, well... maybe it's under a different name.

George:I went by T-Bone in college.

Mr. Pensky:You know, Costanza, I've been watching you. You've got moxie. You're exactly the kind of go-getter this company needs.

George:Well, thank you, Mr. Pensky. I try to give 110% every single day.

Mr. Pensky:That's what I'm talking about. You're worthy of Pensky & Associates.

Newman:There's nothing here! Not a single hair! How is this possible?

Newman:I've seen crime scenes with more evidence than this!

Jerry:Newman, what are you doing with my hairbrush?

Newman:It's a conspiracy, Jerry. Nobody's hair is this clean.

Jerry · Gino · Kramer:Who is it? / It's Newman. / He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here. / Go in the bedroom. / Use the fire escape.

Newman · Jerry:Newman comes to use Jerry's bathroom: 'My toilet's clogged.' 'You can't unclog it?' 'No.' 'Did you ask Kramer? He's out.' 'Number one? Yes, yes, yes. May I go?' 'Go ahead.' 'I gotta go very badly. Flush twice!'

Auctioneer:Do I hear fifty dollars? Fifty dollars for this young man? He's got all his teeth!

Auctioneer:Come on, forty? Forty dollars? He can tie his own shoes!

Auctioneer:Twenty-five? Anyone? He has a job!

Auctioneer:Ten dollars? He's breathing! He's breathing on his own!

Auctioneer:Here we have Jerry Seinfeld, a single male in his thirties. He likes fruit.

Auctioneer:He just got a haircut.

Auctioneer:Starting bid is five dollars!

Enzo:I know about the haircut, Jerry. I found hair in your apartment.

Jerry:What? That's impossible. I was very careful.

Enzo:I had it analyzed. Follicle structure, texture, curl pattern. It's not your hair.

Jerry:Well, of course it's not my hair. Whose hair is it?

Enzo:According to the lab, it belongs to someone with an unusually large head and a tendency toward static electricity.

Jerry:Newman.

Enzo:Who?

Jerry:It had to be Newman. That son of a gun.

Newman · Enzo:It was a cinch. Where you going? Io voglio vendetta!

George:Mr. Tuttle, I can explain everything.

Tuttle:George, what are you doing in my office?

George:Your office? This is my office. I work here.

Tuttle:You work here? George, you were hired three weeks ago. You've been sitting in the wrong office the entire time.

George:The wrong office?

Tuttle:Your desk is down the hall.

Boss:George, you haven't completed a single report this week. What's the problem?

George:The office is too small. I can't work in these conditions. My creative process requires space. I need room to think, to breathe, to exist as a human being.

Boss:Your office is the same size as everyone else's.

George:Exactly my point.

George:You know, I worked with Pensky. Great guy. We go way back.

Boss:Pensky? I know Pensky. Pensky sucks.

George:Yeah, well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!

Jerry:If you're lying about your height, you're basically committing a crime.

Tuttle:I'm not lying. I'm a very big man.

Jerry:You're not a big man. You're a short man with a very big watch.

George Costanza:My car! They're towing my car!

Receptionist:Yes, it's in a no-parking zone.

George Costanza:No-parking zone? I've been parked here for three hours!

Receptionist:Well, you can't park here anymore.

George Costanza:This is unbelievable. First I get humiliated, now I lose my car. What's next, are you going to take my shoes?

Jerry · Enzo:Jerry's pathetic cover story: 'Well, I was there, but I was just dropping off a book.' Enzo: 'Don't, Jerry.'

Enzo:Enzo: 'I'm gonna kill the both of you!'

Tuttle · George:Tuttle returns from vacation to find George ensconced: 'I'm surprised to find you here.' 'You are?' 'Oh, I thought you would've taken the larger office.' 'Oh. Oh. Really? I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you.'

Tuttle · George:Tuttle examines the Pensky file: 'What have you been doing all week?' George: 'Well, you missed a lovely party we had for Grace.' Tuttle: 'You haven't done anything with this.' George: 'Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office.'

Tuttle · George:What have you been doing all week? Well, you missed a lovely party we had for Grace. You haven't done anything with this. Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office.

Tuttle:Tuttle: 'I'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.' — callback to the original interview compliment

George · Tuttle:George: 'You are aware that, uh, Pensky is interested in me.' Tuttle: 'You're not Pensky material.' George: 'Really? Well, we'll just see about that.'

George:Obviously.

Clarisse:Immediate cut: 'Yes? Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.'

Jerry · Enzo:Final scene: Jerry asks when he can go out again. Enzo: 'Not for a while.'