The Letter

Jerry:Yeah, hello, I'd like to order the Ginsu knife.

Operator:You're actually buying this?

Jerry:Yes, I want to order it.

Operator:Hold on, let me get my supervisor. We don't think anyone actually orders these things.

Jerry:If you need a knife that can cut through shoes, maybe your meat quality is questionable

Jerry:You know what they should have? A meat grade called 'hoof cut.' Like a haircut, but for meat. 'I'll take the hoof cut, medium length, feathered on the sides.'

Jerry:You ever wake up in the middle of the night, you're like dying of thirst? Your mouth is completely dry, and you have to get up and drink some water. And I'm thinking to myself, what was I doing in that dream? Was I running a marathon? Was I in the Sahara Desert? Because apparently my body thinks I just went through some kind of physical exertion.

Kramer:Hey Jerry, you want some popcorn?

Jerry:Kramer, what are you doing in my kitchen at three in the morning?

Kramer:I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd come over and make some popcorn.

Jerry:You couldn't sleep, so you broke into my apartment?

Kramer:I didn't break in, I used my key.

Jerry:Kramer, what were you thinking? You can't just break into my apartment!

Kramer:Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. I was locked out of my place. I needed to get through to your kitchen to get to my kitchen.

Jerry:That doesn't make any sense!

Kramer:Sure it does. The walls are thin. I figured I could just knock through, grab some supplies, and be back in an hour.

Jerry:Kramer, get out of my bathroom!

Kramer:What? I'm using the bathroom.

Jerry:It's MY bathroom!

Kramer:So? I gotta go.

Jerry:Kramer, what are you doing with that beret?

Kramer:I'm French now.

Jerry:You're French? Since when are you French?

Kramer:Since this morning. I woke up and I said, 'I'm going to be French.' So now I'm French.

Elaine:I'm so glad the movie was sold out. I didn't want to see it anyway.

Jerry:Then why did you want to see it?

Elaine:I didn't say I wanted to see it. I said I didn't want to see it.

Jerry:So you're happy it's sold out?

Elaine:Yes! When I was a kid, we used to play a game where we'd pretend movies were sold out. It was very exciting.

Elaine:We used to play this game called 'Levels.' You'd stand at one end of the hallway and try to get to the other end without touching the ground.

Jerry:How do you do that?

Elaine:You jump on the furniture, the walls, whatever you can grab onto.

Jerry:That sounds dangerous.

Elaine:It was. Come on, I'll show you.

Jerry:Now?

Elaine:Yeah!

Jerry:Alright, alright.

Jerry:That was incredible.

Elaine:I know, I know.

Kramer:Hey!

Jerry:I need those keys back, Kramer.

Kramer:What? These keys? Finders keepers.

Jerry:Those are MY keys. Give them back.

Kramer:No way. I'm keeping them.

Jerry:Kramer, I'm serious.

Kramer:So am I!

Jerry:You know what? Fine. Hand them over.

Kramer:Make me.

Jerry:Oh, that's it!

Kramer:I don't want the keys back. You see, once you give someone keys to your apartment, that's like a sacred trust. It's a covenant. And I'm not going to be the one to break that covenant.

Kramer:You see, Jerry, I've been thinking about keys. They're not just metal objects that open doors. They're a metaphor for the human condition. We're all trapped in our own apartments, Jerry, searching for the key to spiritual liberation. And when you finally find that key... you realize the door was never locked.

Kramer:Jerry's apartment? That's not just an apartment, George. That's a world. That's a universe. I go in there, and suddenly I'm not in New York anymore. I'm in Jerry's world.

George:So what are you saying?

Kramer:I'm saying those keys? They're the keys to paradise. Without them, I'm stuck out here in reality with the rest of you people.

Kramer:You know, I don't have a key to my apartment. I mean, why do I need a key? I don't lock my door.

Kramer:I'm out there, Jerry. I'm living in the moment. Keys are for people who are afraid of the world.

George:So you just leave your door open?

Kramer:That's right. And you know what? You should too. You and me, George, we're the same. We're both prisoners of the material world.

Kramer:So George, do you ever yearn?

George:Yearn? What do you mean yearn?

Kramer:You know, yearn. Yearn, yearn, yearn.

George:Yearn? Yearn! YEARN?!

Kramer:Yearn... yearn... yearn...

George:There's a difference between craving and yearning. Craving is when you want something. Yearning is when you want something you can't have.

George:I'm not craving a pastrami sandwich. I'm yearning for it.

Kramer:Do you have a job?

George:No.

Kramer:Do you have a girlfriend?

George:No.

Kramer:Do you have a apartment?

George:No.

Kramer:Do you have a car?

George:No.

Kramer:Why are we here? What's it all about? What's the point of existence?

George:I don't know, Kramer. I guess... I just want to have a nice apartment, maybe meet a woman who doesn't think I'm a complete idiot, and grab a good marble rye from the bakery on the corner.

George:You? An actor? Kramer, you can't even hold a conversation without going off on three different tangents!

Kramer:What are you talking about? I was great in that scene!

George:You were an extra! You stood there! A potted plant could've done your job, and frankly, it would've been more convincing.

George:You're really going to California?

Kramer:I'm going to California, and I'm never coming back. I'm gonna be a actor.

Elaine:If you give me your key, then I give you my key, we each have a key to the other's apartment.

George:Right.

Elaine:But if you don't give me your key, then I don't give you my key, and we don't have keys to each other's apartments.

George:Okay...

Elaine:But if you give me your key and I don't give you my key, then you're out a key and I have access to your apartment. That would make me a criminal.

George:So what are you saying?

Elaine:I'm saying you have to give me your key first, and then I'll consider giving you mine.

George:My friends are crazy. I'm surrounded by lunatics. And I'm the sanest one in the group. That's what frightens me the most.

Jerry:Where's Kramer? He's not answering his door.

George:I don't know, maybe he went out.

Newman:He's not coming back.

Jerry:What do you mean he's not coming back?

Newman:I'm living here now. I'm Kramer.

George:You're Kramer?

Newman:That's right. I've got the whole thing going. The sliding doors, the coffee, the beautiful women. It's all mine now.

Jerry:Newman, you better watch it.

Newman:Oh, what are you gonna do, Jerry? We're in a public place. You wouldn't dare.

Jerry:Where's Kramer?

Newman:He went to Los Angeles. It's a hot, sticky city where men sweat through their shirts and the women smell like coconut. I didn't ask any questions.

Jerry:I tried to give him the keys back!

Elaine:Yeah, that's bull— that's... that's not gonna work.

Jerry:She's dead, George.

Kramer:So how'd you get into driving cross-country?

Motorcycle driver:Well, I was riding through the desert outside of Vegas, right? And this tumbleweed the size of a Buick comes rolling across the highway. I swerve to miss it, my front tire catches the edge of the road, and I'm airborne. I'm tumbling end over end, my bike's exploding in a fireball behind me, I land face-first in a cactus patch. Blood everywhere. Somehow I crawl out, flag down a semi, the guy takes me to the nearest hospital three hours away.

Kramer:Wow.

Motorcycle driver:Yeah. Fifteen stitches in my face, broken collarbone, two cracked ribs. But you know what? That's when I decided life's too short to be stuck in one place. So I bought this rig and I've been driving ever since.

Motorcycle driver:So I'm riding my bike, doing about 60, and this truck comes out of nowhere...

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You gotta lean into it!

Motorcycle driver:What?

Kramer:Lean into the turn! Come on!

George:You can't go in there.

Jerry:What do you mean I can't go in there? It's Elaine's apartment.

George:Exactly. It's her apartment. She has the key. You don't have a key. Therefore, you cannot enter.

Jerry:She invited me in.

George:An invitation is not a key. A key is a key. Without a key, you are keyless. Keyless people cannot enter apartments that require keys.

Jerry:She's right here, she'll let me in.

George:But then she has to open the door. That means she's responsible for you. If something happens to you in that apartment, it's on her. Are you really going to put that on her?

George:My face! I gotta protect my face!

Jerry:What about the rest of your body?

George:I don't care about the rest of my body!

Kramer:So Jerry takes my keys, right? My car keys. Just takes 'em.

Hippie:That's not cool, man. That's a violation of your personal space.

Hippie:I'd like to take those keys and shove 'em down his throat. Then I'd tie him to the hood of his car and drive it off a cliff.

Kramer:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought you were a peace-loving hippie!

Hippie:Yeah, well, keys, man. Keys bring out the dark side in all of us.

Hippie:Have you ever killed a man?

Kramer:I know a guy.

Kramer:But he's got very soft hands.

Jerry:I have a key to my apartment, a key to the office, a key to the file cabinet, and a key to the closet in the office.

George:Why do you need a key to the closet?

Jerry:So people don't steal my stuff.

George:Who's gonna steal your stuff? We work in an office!

Jerry:You'd be surprised.

George:I'd be sur— are you out of your f— I'm not even cursing! I didn't curse!

Kramer:You know, you're a very attractive woman. You know that?

Female Truck Driver:Why are you telling me this?

Kramer:Well, I just thought... I mean, I figured you'd want to know.

Female Truck Driver:That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

Kramer:Oh. Well, forget I said anything.

George:You know, it's possible there's a secret passage. You ever think about that? These old buildings, they were built during a different time. They could have passages built right into the walls.

Jerry:George, there's no secret passage.

George:You don't know that! The keys could've fallen through a crack, ended up in some hidden compartment. My keys did that once.

Jerry:Elaine, where are my keys?

Elaine:I don't know, check the couch.

George:Wait, what's this? 'Seinfeld - The Pilot'?

Elaine:Oh... that. Yeah, I've been writing some stuff.

Jerry:Writing? TV scripts?

Elaine:Why is that so hard to believe?

George:Because you can barely write a grocery list without messing it up.

Elaine:What do you mean 'what'? You read my script without asking me?

Jerry:We were just trying to help.

Elaine:Help? You invaded my privacy! That's my personal work!

George:Come on, Elaine, we loved it.

Elaine:I don't care! You don't just read someone's stuff without permission. That's like going through my diary!

Jerry:Whose keys are these?

George:Those are mine.

Elaine:No, those are my keys.

George:Your keys? Those are definitely my keys.

Jerry:How can you not know your own keys?

Elaine:I know my keys, Jerry. Those are my keys.

George:We've been standing here for five minutes. Nobody knows whose keys anybody has.

Jerry:You know, in show business, you have to develop a thick skin.

Elaine:Yeah, well maybe if you weren't such an—

Elaine:—a person who gives unsolicited advice all the time!

Kramer:I'm telling you, I got a real shot at this thing. My screenplay, my pitch — Hollywood's gonna eat it up.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't even pitch a decent idea for dinner.

Kramer:This is different. This is big. I can feel it.

George:He's delusional.

Elaine:Wait, Kramer actually made it? In Hollywood?

Kramer:I'm a produced screenwriter now, baby. Giddy up!

Jerry:Do planes have keys?

Jerry:I mean, can you imagine a pilot frantically patting down the fuselage looking for a Hide-A-Key magnet under the wing?

Hitchhiker:Hitchhiker responds to Kramer's fairy tale: 'If that ogre dude pulled that crap on me, I'd stab him! I'd cut him in half! I'd gut him like a fish!'

Hitchhiker · Kramer:'Have you ever killed a man?' / 'What do you think? You think these hands have been soaking in Ivory Liquid, huh?'

Companions · Kramer:Oh, don't leave, Kramer. Stay with us. Oh, you know so much about the world. We need you. / Please, Kramer. / Well, now, Star Cloud... / Okay, wait a minute. / No, no, no. / Please, Kramer.

Jerry · George:The 'avoiding the middleman' key logic speech: 'See? You're avoiding the middleman. You'd give her her keys, which she would give to me...'

George:'You're right. How did I miss that?' — George's sarcastic response to Jerry's convoluted key logic.

George · Jerry:Third iteration of the 'I heard something' gag — George nearly says 'crock of sh---' and cuts himself off.

Kramer · Truck Driver:'Well, nothing's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi.' / 'Nothing?' / 'Well...'

Kramer:Kramer says he always wanted to drive a semi and used to watch commercials during reruns of Gomer Pyle.

Kramer:Kramer gets behind the wheel of the semi truck and drives it.

Jerry · George:'They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. What do they look like?'

George:'Jerry, unless I pull down on this statuette and a hidden wall opens up, we have checked every square inch of this apartment.'

Jerry · George:Jerry and George discover Elaine has been secretly writing a Murphy Brown spec script.

Jerry · George:'Give me half!' — Jerry and George dividing the script between them to read it simultaneously.

Jerry · George:Elaine is writing a sitcom? / [beat] / Give me half!

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine catches Jerry and George in her apartment reading her Murphy Brown script; George says 'It was funny'

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine's enraged reaction to finding Jerry and George in her apartment having read her script: 'You weasels!'

George · Elaine:'It was funny.' / 'It's just a first draft!'

Elaine · Jerry · George:The four-way key exchange argument explodes: 'Oh, here's your damn keys. I don't want them anymore.' / 'I want my keys back.' / 'You can't be trusted.' — keys thrown around, nobody knows whose is whose.

Jerry · Elaine:'Let me tell you something about show business.' / 'I can't believe it.' / 'It's hard work. You don't just write a Murphy Brown. You gotta watch the show, get a sense of the characters...'

Elaine:'Okay, can I just watch the show?' — Elaine's reaction to Jerry's show-business lecture.

Jerry:Jerry reacts to the Murphy Brown script: 'Oh, God, what an ass...' — another near-cutoff.

George · Elaine:What did you say? / I didn't say anything. / I heard something.

Jerry · Elaine:'Kramer's on Murphy Brown! Elaine, it's Kramer! He's sitting at the desk!'

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up about keys to the plane — 'Maybe the pilot is up in the cockpit: Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my God, I did it again.'

Jerry:'They tell you it's mechanical. They don't want to come on the PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed. I left the keys to the plane in my apartment.'

Jerry:'You see technicians, you think they're servicing it...but they're looking for the magnet Hide-A-Key under the wing.'