The Ex Girlfriend

Jerry:You ever notice how some people are just lane switchers? They can't stay in one lane. They're constantly moving around, looking for the perfect lane.

Jerry:And it's not just about getting there faster. It's like they're searching for meaning. 'Is this the right lane for me? What about this one? Maybe... this one is my lane.'

Jerry:No, I'm not in the right lane. I gotta switch lanes. This is not my lane. I gotta find my lane. This is a lane I'm in, but it's not... my lane. For my life!

Jerry:Oh, you know what? Go ahead, switch lanes. Yeah, I've discovered a secret lane that only I know about. It's very fast. That's why I'm going so slow—it's a decoy.

Jerry:You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see traffic go backwards. Just once, I'd like to see all the cars going in reverse. Wouldn't that be something? Everyone just backing up. 'Excuse me, pardon me, backing up here.' That would solve everything. No more traffic jams. Just everyone in reverse.

Jerry:So now the guy's got to make a decision. Does he continue backwards on the highway, or does he try to turn around? Because turning around means admitting he made a mistake. And no man wants to do that.

Jerry:So he's just gonna keep going backwards. Fifty-five miles an hour in reverse. Passing cars on the left.

George:I gotta love her. Come on, I gotta love her. Just love her. It's not that hard. People do it all the time. I can do this. Just... love her. Feel it. Feel the love. Come on, George, you can do this. You're a man. Men love women. So love her. Do it. Love her right now.

Girlfriend:I love you.

George:I know.

Girlfriend:Is that all you have to say?

George:What do you want me to say? You sprung it on me. I don't like surprises. They make me uncomfortable. I'm not good under pressure.

George:I'm telling you, it's like a switch. It's either on or off. When it's on, nothing can stop me. I could be in the middle of a sentence and I'll just go do it.

George:And the worst part? I know it's wrong. I know I should stop. But I can't. It's like my body has a mind of its own.

George:So how do I break up with her?

Jerry:It's like removing a Band-Aid. You can do it slowly, which hurts less in the short term but prolongs the pain. Or you can rip it off all at once—it hurts like hell for a second, but then it's over.

George:So what do I do?

Jerry:Rip it off.

Elaine:I have to sit in the back seat? Why do I have to sit in the back seat?

Jerry:Because we need the front seat.

Elaine:So what, I just have to sit back here like some kind of child?

George:Well, you're smaller than us.

Elaine:I'm not smaller! And even if I was, I'm not sitting back here with my chin sticking over the seat like some kind of turtle.

Elaine:You're a homophobe.

George:I am not a homophobe! Why would you say that?

Elaine:Oh come on, George.

George:What? It's obvious?

Jerry:You know, I think our relationship is deteriorating. We used to talk about everything, and now we can barely look at each other.

Kramer:So what happened?

Jerry:I don't know. It's like we're going through the stages of grief, except there's no death. We're just... dying.

Kramer:That's called a relationship.

Jerry:You know what the worst part about a relationship ending is? It's not the sadness, it's not even the loneliness. It's the hatred. Pure, concentrated hatred based on absolutely nothing. She hates me because I chew too loud. I hate her because she breathes.

Jerry:We've created this perfectly balanced ecosystem of contempt. It's actually kind of beautiful in a twisted way.

Elaine:It's like The Blob. You know, that thing just keeps growing and growing, and it consumes everything in its path. That's what's happening here with Kramer.

Jerry:Would you ever confront somebody?

George:I don't know. I confront people all the time. But I always end up apologizing. So I guess confrontation for me is just an opening act to a bigger apology.

Kramer:Hello? Hello? Who is this?

Voice on Phone:Who is this?

Kramer:No, you tell me who you are.

Voice on Phone:I think you have the wrong number.

Kramer:Well, how did I get this number? Let's trace back through this. What's your number?

Kramer:Hey, hey! Wait a minute. Why'd you hang up on me? I just wanted to know what you were doing there.

Kramer:You know, you could use a shopping cart.

Jerry:A shopping cart? What am I, an old lady?

Kramer:Well, you'd have more room.

Jerry:I'm not pushing a shopping cart through the grocery store like some blue-haired woman in a muumuu with a fanny pack and orthopedic shoes.

Jerry:You know, I don't think fruit was meant to be returned. I think once it leaves the store, that's it. You made your choice. You're stuck with it.

George:You know, it's not you, it's me. I need some space.

Marlene:Space? George, we're in the kitchen!

George:I know, I know. But there's a knife right there on the counter. I don't want to say anything that's going to make you reach for it.

George:You know, breaking up is like a game. And I'm hearing this voice in my head, like a coach: 'Okay George, you're doing great. Just stay calm. Don't get emotional. Keep it simple.'

George:And then she starts crying, and the voice is like: 'Alright, alright, she's emotional now. That's good for you. Sympathize. Nod. Show concern. But don't cave!'

George:And right when you think you're in the clear, she says something that makes you second-guess yourself, and the voice is screaming: 'STAY THE COURSE, GEORGE! DO NOT WAFFLE!'

George:It's like a prison break. You're trying to escape, and they're shooting at you from the towers. You're crawling through the mud, bullets whizzing past your head, and all you can think is 'I gotta get out of here.'

Jerry:She's attractive, isn't she?

George:No, no, no. She's not attractive. She's got a weird nose.

George:I want my books back.

Jerry:Why do you need books? Books are just a way for people to feel smart. You don't own books, books own you. You're just storing them for the next person who's going to pretend to read them.

George:They're my books.

Jerry:No one really owns books. We're all just temporary caretakers in the great library of life.

Marlene:What? What are you all looking at?

Marlene:We should stay friends.

Jerry:Yeah, absolutely. Friends. Great idea.

George:You ever re-read a book?

Jerry:Sometimes, yeah. Why?

George:I was thinking about re-reading 'Of Mice and Men.'

Jerry:Why would you do that? You know how it ends.

George:Yeah, but what if this time Lennie doesn't die? What if George just lets him go and they open up a petting zoo?

Jerry:George, that's not how books work.

George:I know, but a guy can dream.

Jerry:She's on the phone, and she's talking, and talking, and talking. And I'm sitting there thinking, 'When is this going to end?' And then she does something that just kills me—she hangs up in the middle of a sentence. Mid-sentence! Who does that? You're in the middle of telling someone something, and you just... click. Gone. It's like she forgot there was another person on the phone.

Jerry:So I said, 'Well, these pretzels are making me thirsty.'

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Jerry:Well, I really should go. I have a lot to do today.

Marlene:Oh, just a few more minutes!

Jerry:No, I really can't. I have to...

Marlene:Come on, we're having such a good time!

Jerry:I know, but I really have to go now.

Marlene:You know what your problem is? You put up a wall.

Jerry:A wall?

Marlene:Yeah, a wall. You don't let people in. You just keep building this wall.

Jerry:I'm not building a wall. I'm just trying to get off the phone.

Marlene:See? That's the wall right there.

Jerry:You just have to be honest with her. Tell her the truth.

George:Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell her the truth.

Jerry:Good.

George:I'm gonna tell her that it's not her. It's me. I'm going through some things right now, and I think we should see other people.

Jerry:That's good. That's very good, George.

George:Yeah. You know, maybe if I just rip the band-aid off...

Jerry:That's the way to do it.

George:So when are you gonna tell Marlene?

Jerry:I don't know. Soon.

George:You just have to be honest with her. Tell her the truth.

George:Oh great, I'm being called to see the 'doctor.' (with air quotes)

Jerry:I'm in the waiting room, and there's a sign that says 'Please Be Quiet.' But how do I know to be quiet if I can't read the sign while I'm being quiet? It's circular.

Jerry:You ever notice in a waiting room, there's always this weird competition with magazines? Like, you're sitting there, and you see someone pick up a magazine, and you're like, 'Oh, they got the good one.' So you have to wait for them to put it back. But they're reading it really slowly just to mess with you. And meanwhile, you're stuck with a magazine from 1987 about water damage prevention.

Jerry:They call your name from the waiting room, and suddenly you feel like the chosen one. Like you've been selected for something special. You walk out there like you're about to receive an award or discover a cure for something.

Jerry:But no - you're just going to sit in another room and wait some more. You've been promoted to a different waiting area. That's your achievement.

Jerry:So the doctor calls you in, right? You think you're finally going to see the doctor. You walk through that door, and there's another waiting room.

Jerry:Another waiting room! It's like a nesting doll of waiting rooms. How many waiting rooms does one doctor need?

Jerry:You know what I hate about going to the doctor? The examination rooms keep getting bigger and bigger. First room, you're in a closet. Then they move you to a slightly larger closet. By the time they're done with you, you're in an auditorium. I'm thinking, 'What is this, a broadway show? Am I interesting enough for an audience?'

Jerry:Doctors would love that. They'd be like, 'Hey, did you see that gallbladder removal last night?' 'No, I missed it. Was it good?' 'Oh, it was incredible. They found stones the size of grapes. You should've been there.'

Jerry:And then you'd have scalpers outside the hospital. 'Tickets! Get your tickets! I got two great seats for the kidney transplant tomorrow. Fifty bucks apiece!'

Jerry:People would be calling in sick to work. 'I can't come in today, I'm going to see the triple bypass. It's supposed to be a real bleeder.'

George:You know, I went to this chiropractor, and he charged me a hundred and fifty dollars for one visit. A hundred and fifty dollars! For what? He cracked my back. My mother cracks my back for free.

George:For a hundred and fifty bucks, I should get Frank Sinatra in there singing to me while he's doing it.

Jerry:So... that was nice.

Marlene:Yeah, it was nice.

Jerry:I mean, not like, earth-shattering or anything.

Marlene:No, no. Just nice. Pleasant.

Jerry:Right. Like a handshake, but with lips.

Marlene:Exactly. Very casual.

Jerry:We could probably do that again sometime. Or not. Whatever.

Marlene:Totally up to you. I'm very flexible about it.

Kramer:This is bad fruit. This is really bad fruit.

Kramer:You can't just throw this out. This is a hazard. This could kill somebody.

Kramer:We gotta call the police, we gotta call the FBI. We gotta call somebody!

Marlene:Hi, it's Marlene. I was just calling to see how you're doing. Oh, and I wanted to ask you - do you have any good recommendations for soap? I've been using this one brand, but I think it might be making my skin dry. Anyway, call me back!

Marlene:Oh wait, I meant to ask - is it the soap or the water? Because my neighbor says it's the water, but I think it's definitely the soap. Let me know what you think!

Jerry:I mean, what is this? I'm attracted to her, so now I have to delve into my childhood, my parents' relationship, my toilet training? It's not that complicated. I like her. She's got great hair.

Elaine:It's not entirely your fault.

Jerry:Well, that's good to know.

Elaine:It's partly your fault.

Jerry:You know what I've noticed? Apartment elevators are completely different from office building elevators.

Elaine:What do you mean?

Jerry:In an office building, the elevator is like a little town square. People talk, they make eye contact, they're friendly. In an apartment building, nobody says anything. Everyone just stares straight ahead.

Elaine:That's because you live with people. You see them all the time.

Jerry:Right, so you'd think you'd have more to say to them, not less. But no, it's like this unspoken rule. The only exception would be if you were married to a dictator.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:Then you'd have plenty to talk about on the elevator.

Jerry:You know that saying, 'lucky in cards, unlucky in love'? Well, I'm unlucky in cards AND unlucky in love. But I did get a really good cantaloupe at the supermarket yesterday.

Elaine:You know what you are? You're a little phoney.

Jerry:You know, I'm really impressed with how you handled that. You just went right up to her and said what you felt.

Elaine:Well, sometimes you just have to be honest.

Jerry:Yeah, you're right. You know what? I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to go find Marlene and I'm going to tell her the truth.

Elaine:That's great, Jerry.

Jerry:I'm going to tell her that I used her deodorant.

Jerry:I feel terrible about this. She's your ex-girlfriend.

George:No, no, it's fine. Really. I mean, she's a beautiful woman.

Jerry:You're not upset?

George:Why would I be upset? You think I don't know she's attractive?

Elaine:Oh my God, oh my God! I swallowed a fly!

Elaine:I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What do I do?

Elaine:It's in my stomach. It's flying around in my stomach right now!

Marlene:I'm ending things with you because I didn't like your comedy act.

Marlene:I just don't think I can respect a man who tells jokes for a living.

Jerry:Oh, that's funny, because I don't think I can respect a woman who doesn't know that I tell jokes for a living.

Jerry:I don't care what a woman does for a living. If she's attractive, I'm interested. A woman could be a serial killer. 'Oh, she kills people? That's interesting. But look at those legs!'

Jerry:A guy would be like, 'Yeah, she kills people, but she makes a great cheeseburger.'