The Shower Head

Jerry:You know what the problem is with aging parents? Communication. They can't hear you, you can't understand them. It's like trying to have a conversation with a broken walkie-talkie.

Jerry:My mother says to me, 'Jerry, you need to keep your mouth moving.' I said, 'Ma, what are you talking about?' She goes, 'Keep your mouth moving - it keeps the food down and the words out!'

Jerry:That's it. That's the secret to longevity. Keep your mouth moving. Eating, talking, doesn't matter - just keep it in motion. It's like a perpetual motion machine, but with dentures.

Jerry's Mother:You don't like pumpkin pie?

Jerry:I didn't say I don't like it. I just said I don't usually order it.

Jerry's Mother:So you don't like it.

Jerry:No, I like it. I'm just saying I don't usually get it.

Jerry's Mother:If you liked it, you'd get it.

Jerry:That's not how it works!

Elaine:I'm knocking off Masai sandals.

Other:Knocking them off?

Elaine:Yeah, I'm copying them. Making knockoffs.

Kramer:Africa? You're going to Africa?

Kramer:It's so hot there, you get these boils on your skin. Boils! And they ooze, and they're filled with pus. You can't wear clothes because of the boils. You have to walk around naked with these oozing boils all over your body!

Jerry:Low-flow showerheads? What are you, an environmentalist now?

Jerry:Uncle Leo has a girlfriend? Uncle Leo is having sex? That devalues sex in general. If Uncle Leo is having sex, sex means nothing.

Frank:What do you mean it's taped? I thought it was live!

Jerry:No, it's taped. It's been taped for like thirty years.

Frank:Thirty years?!

Jerry:Yeah, it's common knowledge.

George:My parents have no reason to stay in New York anymore. My father's retired, my mother doesn't work. They could move to Florida, Arizona, anywhere.

Jerry:So what's stopping them?

George:Me. I'm stopping them. As long as I'm here, they have a reason to stay. But if I ever leave New York, they're gone. They're through with me. They're through ruining my life.

Jerry:My parents are in town, they call me constantly. I've realized I need a 1200-mile buffer zone from my parents.

Uncle Leo:This burger is overcooked! You know, I've been coming here for years, and this is how they treat me? This is anti-Semitic!

Uncle Leo:You see this burger? This is what happens when you let a goy run the kitchen. Goebbels couldn't have done worse!

Jerry:Uncle Leo, you have to break up with Lydia. You're wasting your life with her.

Uncle Leo:What are you talking about? Lydia is wonderful.

Jerry:You could be out there! You could be meeting people, having fun. You're a bachelor!

Uncle Leo:I don't want to be a bachelor.

Jerry:Think about it, Uncle Leo. You, out on the town, 'Open for business' sign on your chest...

Peterman:I'm concerned about appearing too tall to the Bushmen.

Peterman:Elaine, we need to talk about your drug test results.

Elaine:What? What is it?

Peterman:Well, it seems you've tested positive for opium. Or as it's known on the street: 'O', 'The Big O', 'Aunt O', 'O-Boy', 'Señor O'...

Elaine:Stop! I don't do opium!

Peterman:Elaine, I'm afraid I can't let you go to Africa. The catalogue has a very specific image, and sending you to the Dark Continent would undermine everything we've built here at Pendant Publishing.

Elaine:The Dark Continent? Mr. Peterman, that's a completely outdated term.

Peterman:Well, it's darkly lit. I didn't ask for a geography lesson.

Peterman:I need a urine sample.

Elaine:Oh! Well, I can't do it right now. Can you come back in like twenty minutes?

Frank:What extremities? Look at you, you're like a block.

George:I couldn't feel my hands or my feet.

Frank:Your hands and feet, that's it? You got two hands, two feet, that's four extremities. What else you got?

Frank:According to the latest statistics, the average life expectancy for a man is seventy-one years old.

George:What are you saying? You think I'm gonna die before I get my money?

George:You know, the dolphins in Florida, they're very intelligent. They could probably walk on land if they wanted to.

Frank:Walk on land? What are you talking about?

George:I'm serious! They're smart enough. You could see them just strolling down the sidewalk, maybe stopping for a coffee.

Estelle:A dolphin getting coffee? George, what is wrong with you?

Estelle:You want to get rid of us?

George:Get rid of you? Mom, I want you to be happy. I want you to enjoy your golden years. That's why I'm suggesting Florida. It's 1200 miles away!

Kramer:I'm not Kramer. I'm not myself without good water pressure.

Newman:I'm not myself.

Kramer:Can I use your shower?

Elaine:Sure.

Peterman:Wait, wait, wait. You're asking to use someone else's shower? What's next, you'll be asking to use their toothbrush? Their toilet?

Kramer:I just need a quick shower.

Peterman:Oh, 'just a quick shower.' That's what they all say. First it's one shower, then it's two showers a week, then you're showering at all hours of the day and night!

Peterman:I was searching for a Mongolian horsehair vest. Took me three years. I was in Tibet, I was in Nepal, I was in a small village outside of Sumatra. Finally found it in a bazaar in Marrakech. Put it on, and I felt like a new man. So I went back to that bazaar to find the merchant. Couldn't find him. But I found opium. And I became addicted to opium.

Peterman:Denial. It's a toll road. And the toll? Your soul.

Frank:You know, you remind me of Toscanini.

Jerry:I do? Why?

Frank:I don't know. You got the same kind of thing going on. The whole presentation.

Frank:No condos available? In the entire development? That's baloney!

Morty:Frank, what are you talking about? They said—

Frank:I'm talking about you two! You don't want us moving down there!

Estelle:Frank, that's ridiculous.

Frank:Is it? Is it ridiculous? Because it seems to me like you're keeping us out!

Morty:We're not keeping you out, Frank.

Frank:Then why can't we get a condo? Huh? Why?

Helen:The poppy seeds! That's what did it! The poppy seeds in the muffin!

Jerry:My Uncle Leo, he's paranoid. He thinks everyone's against him because he's Jewish. The cook at the restaurant? Anti-Semitic. The guy at the toll booth? Anti-Semitic. Even the racehorse that threw him off? Anti-Semitic. Even the animal!

Jerry:Even the rabbi at temple being accused of anti-Semitism

Jerry:So I do this bit about Uncle Leo's paranoia, right? And I'm telling it, and Uncle Leo's there with his girlfriend, and she starts laughing. But Uncle Leo, he leans over to her and goes, 'What are you laughing at? Are you laughing because you think I'm paranoid? Do you think I'M paranoid?'

Uncle Leo:Why are you laughing? What's so funny?

Jerry:Now his girlfriend can't even enjoy the joke because she's worried he thinks she's mocking him.

Kramer:I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth.

Kramer:I'm standing there with all these microscopic organisms, and they're all having sex around me.

Kramer:Yeah, well, the hot tub killed all life forms.

Newman:Not here. Come on, we gotta talk about this privately.

Elaine:What? What is it?

Newman:Listen, I got a line on some black market showerheads. Real heavy flow, the good stuff.

Elaine:Black market showerheads?

Newman:Yeah, so keep your mouth shut about it. You got that?

Newman:The idea that Serbs are specifically fanatic about showers

Newman:The Serbs, they're very fanatical about their showers.

Jerry:Yeah, I saw a documentary.

George:Wait a minute. You're moving to Florida... just to spite me?

Frank:That's right!

Estelle:We're doing it to spite you!

Frank:We've been planning this for years!

Estelle:You think we want to move to Florida? It's filled with old people!

Jerry:So our parents are moving in together.

George:Yeah.

Jerry:This is really happening.

George:We have to visit less.

Jerry:Much less.

George:Like, considerably less.

Jerry:I'm thinking holidays only.

George:Holidays and emergencies.

Jerry:What constitutes an emergency?

George:I have no idea. We'll figure it out as we go.

Frank:Morty, listen to me. We're going to war. I'm going to the store, I'm buying a big salami, I'm going to the office, I'm laying it on your desk. Then I'm going to the bathroom, I'm going to take the greatest dump of my life into your toilet. Then I'm going to the lunchroom, I'm going to poison the coffee. And then... I'm challenging you to shuffleboard!

Newman:You see, Kramer, these showerheads are government-regulated to a pathetic 2.5 gallons per minute. But with these babies, you're looking at 5, maybe 6 gallons per minute of pure, unadulterated water pressure.

Newman:Think about it. Better water pressure means better circulation. Better circulation means better skin tone. Better skin tone means better job prospects. Better job prospects means a better life!

Newman:I'm telling you, this showerhead will change everything. Your problems will literally wash away. Bad credit? Gone. Relationship troubles? Down the drain. That nagging sense of existential dread? Obliterated by the sheer force of aquatic excellence.

George:My buffer zone has been severely compromised.

Jerry:What buffer zone?

George:The buffer zone is that space between you and the other person. Now, with my parents here, I don't have any buffer zone.

George:If my parents move in with me, I will kill myself.

Jerry:Don't say that.

George:I'm not kidding. I will kill myself.

Jerry:How would you do it?

George:I don't know. I'd find a way. I'd throw myself in front of a car.

Jerry:That's a terrible way.

George:You got a better way?

Jerry:Well, if you really want to do it, there's got to be a less painful way than throwing yourself in front of a car.

George:You know what the worst part about it would be? The independent Jerry.

Jerry:What?

George:You know, the independent Jerry. The one who goes out on his own, lives by himself, has his own apartment...

Jerry:I'm already doing that.

George:I know, but after I'm gone, you'll have to really do it. Really be independent.

Jerry:Uncle Leo, you gotta stay with Lydia. She's a wonderful woman.

Uncle Leo:She's always criticizing me!

Jerry:Well, maybe you deserve it.

Uncle Leo:What?!

Jerry:You're lazy, you're cheap, you've got no ambition...

Uncle Leo:How dare you!

Jerry:And frankly, you're not even a good person. You're a bad person. A bad, bad person.

Uncle Leo:I'm leaving!

Jerry:And when you do, try not to come back. Because when you die, nobody's gonna come to your funeral anyway.

Uncle Leo:She's anti-Semitic, Jerry. I'm telling you, Lydia is anti-Semitic.

Jerry:Can you blame her?

Elaine:Helen, I need your urine sample!

Helen:What? Why?

Elaine:Just give it to me, please!

Helen:This glass has a chip. I can't use this one.

Elaine:Mom, it's fine.

Helen:No, no. This one's cloudy. You can see the spots.

Elaine:They're barely visible.

Helen:What about this one? The rim is uneven.

Elaine:Mom, just pick a glass!

Helen:This one's too tall. I'll spill it.

Elaine:You're not going to spill it.

Helen:This one has a residue. Did you wash these?

Elaine:Yes! Mother, please, just use ANY glass!

Newman:This one here is the most powerful showerhead I got.

Kramer:How powerful?

Newman:This is used on elephants in the circus.

Frank:What's the deal with these low-flow showerheads? I'm telling you, I feel like a caveman out there. I'm getting washed away like a sandcastle!

Jerry:They're environmentally friendly, Frank.

Frank:Environmentally friendly? I can't get the soap off! My back looks like a connect-the-dots puzzle!

Frank:You know, it's not a shower, it's a mist. A mist! I'm taking a mist!

Peterman:Your urine came back clean. Not a single trace of any harmful substance.

Peterman:However, Helen's urine... well, that's another story. Kidney stones, arthritis, the early stages of osteoporosis, and a urinary tract infection.

Peterman:The doctor said he's never seen a urine sample with so many things wrong with it. It's like a medical encyclopedia in a cup.

Kramer:Oh my God... oh my God... OH MY GOD!

George:My buffer zone just went from 1200 miles down to two feet.

Jerry · George:You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing independent Jerry.

Jerry · Uncle Leo:Last week you told me I was in my prime. I should be swinging. Swinging? What, are you out of your mind? Look at you. You're disgusting. You're bald. You're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body 24 hours a day.

Jerry:If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than 10 seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

Uncle Leo · Jerry:But she's an anti-Semite. Can you blame her?

Uncle Leo · Jerry:But she's an anti-Semite. / Can you blame her?

Elaine:A poppy seed. It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead.

Elaine · Helen Seinfeld:Oh, my God. / What? / A poppy seed. It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead.

Elaine · Helen Seinfeld:What are you gonna do in there? What am I gonna do in the bathroom?

Elaine · Helen Seinfeld:I need a clean urine sample from a woman. You want my urine? I need a clean urine sample from a woman. I don't know. Oh, please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please? Well, what am I gonna do it in? One of those glasses. Jerry's glasses? Oh, yeah. He won't mind. Come on, you're his mom.

Elaine:Oh, yeah. He won't mind. Come on, you're his mom.

Helen Seinfeld · Elaine:Well, what am I gonna do it in? One of those glasses. Jerry's glasses? I could— Should I use a coffee cup? Yeah, coffee cup's fine. Or maybe I could use a juice glass. Yes, yes. Fine, fine. A juice glass. It's perfect. This one is kind of scratched. It doesn't matter. All right. How—? A milk glass. A milk glass, a juice glass. Any glass, just pick a glass. Jerry really doesn't wash these very well. Mrs. Seinfeld, choose a glass. Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Newman · Kramer · Showerhead Dealer:What are you looking for? Power, man, power. Like Silkwood. That's for radiation. That's right.

Kramer · Newman · Showerhead Dealer:Now, what is this? That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. No, that's what we want, the Commando 450. No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants. Just give it to us. We'll pay anything.

Kramer · Newman · Dealer:Now, what is this? / That's the Commando 450. I don't sell that one. / No, that's what we want, the Commando 450. / No, believe me. That's only used in the circus for elephants. / Just give it to us. / We'll pay anything.

Kramer · Newman:What about Jerry? He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

Helen Seinfeld · Morty Seinfeld:It's nice being back at Leo's. Jerry's place was too small. First Leo breaks up, then he goes back. What the hell's going on?

Frank Costanza · Super:Who is it? It's the super. We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms. Low-flow? I don't like the sound of that.

Mr. Peterman · Elaine:So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you. Oh, yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa? I'm afraid I can't take you. What? Why not? Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. You have the metabolism of a 68-year-old woman.

Mr. Peterman · Elaine:So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you. / Oh, yes! What a load off.

Elaine · Mr. Peterman:But I wanted to see the Bushmen. Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.

Mr. Peterman:Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.

Morty Seinfeld · Helen Seinfeld:Take my swim trunks. I won't need them. What does he want with your swim trunks? Why should they go to waste?

Kramer · Newman:[Kramer and Newman under the Commando 450 showerheads — visual gag implied by the ecstatic reaction beat following their acquisition]