The Doll

Jerry:You know what's amazing? How we incorporate alarm sounds into our dreams. Like, the alarm goes off, and suddenly in your dream you're at a concert, and the guy on stage is singing, and that's the alarm. Your brain just works it in.

Jerry:It's like, you wake up and you think, 'Wait, Marie-Antoinette was just singing 'Sweet Caroline'?' No head, by the way. Just singing.

Jerry:So Marie-Antoinette is singing to me, and I'm just standing there thinking, 'This is really happening. This is my life right now.'

George:The wedding's postponed! It's postponed!

George:Do you know what this means? Do you know what this means?!

George:I'm free! I'm free! I'm gonna live!

George:You know, it's like they're executing me and I'm the one who has to pay for the chair.

George:This is my lucky day.

George:I'm telling you, things are going my way.

George:Yeah, well, I'm due. I'm way overdue. My whole life has been a string of bad luck, so statistically, I gotta be coming up on some good luck soon.

Kramer:You know, Leonardo da Vinci? 'Leonardo'... that's Italian for Leonardo.

Kramer:And 'da Vinci'? That means he's from Vinci. It's all very logical when you think about it.

Kramer:You know, Leonardo da Vinci was left-handed.

Jerry:Yeah, and he also invented the helicopter 500 years before the Wright brothers. What's your point?

Kramer:So da Vinci, he's using this polyphasic sleep thing, right? He sleeps twenty minutes, then he's up for four hours. He does this six times a day.

Kramer:So that means he's getting two hours of sleep a day, but he's awake for twenty-two hours.

Kramer:You do the math — that's like living an extra eight years!

Kramer:I'm telling you, the guy's a genius.

Jerry:What are you gonna do with all this extra time?

Kramer:Oh, I got a few projects I'm working on.

Jerry:What are you talking about? There is no hopper.

Kramer:Jerry, we're all hoppers. We hop from one thing to the next, never landing anywhere.

Jerry:You're not a hopper.

Kramer:I am a hopper, Jerry. I'm a big green hopper.

Elaine:He's not gonna last a week.

Peterman:Bob, I need you to handle the Henderson account.

Bob:What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you very well.

Peterman:The Henderson account! I need you to work on it!

Bob:Huh? You'll have to speak up!

Peterman:HENDERSON! ACCOUNT!

Bob:I'm sorry, what?

Peterman:Forget it. Elaine, you take it.

Elaine:Why do I have to take it?

Peterman:Because Bob can't hear, and I'm tired of yelling.

Friars Club Host:You'll have to pay for dinner. It's the only way we can punish you.

Jerry:I'm laughing! See? I'm laughing. This is great. Really great. I'm having the time of my life right now.

Jerry:Yeah, and you also thought Reggie Jackson was a baseball player.

George:He IS a baseball player!

Jerry:No, he's not. Not anymore. And even when he was, you thought he invented the candy bar.

Jerry:So how's that da Vinci sleep schedule working out for you?

Kramer:Oh, it's fantastic! My mind is like a steel trap. A steel trap that's been left out in the rain and is starting to rust.

Kramer:But when it fires up, it's like a beautiful symphony played by a one-armed conductor during an earthquake.

Kramer:I'm telling you, this new sleep schedule has unleashed my creativity. I've come up with the perfect restaurant concept.

Kramer:It's a restaurant where you make your own pie.

Jerry:You mean like a pizzeria?

Kramer:No, no, no. It's called 'The Pie Place.'

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about opening a restaurant. A peanut butter and jelly place.

Jerry:A peanut butter and jelly restaurant?

Kramer:Yeah, yeah. Think about it. You go in, you order a sandwich, you sit down, you eat, you leave. It's perfect.

Jerry:That's not a restaurant idea, that's just... a sandwich.

Kramer:No, no, no. It's the simplicity. People love simplicity. They're tired of all these complicated menus.

Jerry:Kramer, people don't need a restaurant for peanut butter and jelly. They can make that at home.

Kramer:But they don't want to. That's the beauty of it.

Jerry:The beauty of it is bankruptcy.

Kramer:Jerry! Jerry, wake up!

Jerry:What? What is it? What's wrong?

Kramer:Nothing's wrong. I'm just bored.

Jerry:You're bored? It's four in the morning!

Kramer:I know, that's why I'm bored.

Elaine:Bob Grossberg keeps pretending he can't hear me so he doesn't have to do his work.

Elaine:Now I have to do everything myself because he just nods and smiles whenever I talk to him.

Elaine:And the worst part? Everyone feels so bad for him that nobody calls him out on it.

Elaine:Bob, I need you to help me with the catalog work today.

Bob:What? Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Elaine:The catalog work. I need your help with it.

Bob:Huh? You'll have to speak up, I'm having trouble hearing.

Elaine:BOB! THE CATALOG! WORK!

Bob:What? I still can't hear you.

Elaine:That's Bob.

Jerry:He's not that tall.

Elaine:Bob? Bob!

Elaine:BOB! BOOOOB!

Elaine:Hey, you know what? I know you can hear me. I'm going to keep talking.

Elaine:Bob, I'm talking to you! This is ridiculous!

Jerry:Bob, I need to test your hearing. Say 'yes' if you can hear me.

Bob:Yes.

Jerry:Can you hear me now?

Bob:Yes.

Jerry:Great. Now we're going to do this in the bathroom.

Bob:The bathroom? Why the bathroom?

Jerry:It's the most acoustically appropriate room in the apartment.

Elaine:So? How'd it go? What'd they say?

Jerry:Well, they did the test, but the results were inconclusive.

Elaine:Inconclusive? What do you mean inconclusive?

Jerry:I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of it. I couldn't concentrate on the beeps.

Elaine:You had to go to the bathroom?

Jerry:Yeah, I drank like four cups of coffee before I went in there. I'm sitting in this soundproof booth going 'beep, beep, beep' and all I can think about is where the bathroom is.

George:So Hallie's never read The Great Gatsby? That's perfect. I'll finally have someone to explain it to.

Jerry:George, you've never read The Great Gatsby.

George:Exactly! So we'll be on the same page. I'm thinking Gatsby's really just a guy trying to get ahead in business, you know? A real go-getter. That Daisy character is probably holding him back.

Jerry:Holding him back? He's obsessed with her.

George:Right, but if he just focused on his finances instead of chasing some married woman, he'd be way better off. That's what I'd do. I'd have a five-year plan, maybe get into importing, exporting.

Jerry:He gets killed at the end.

George:See? That's what happens when you don't have a solid business strategy.

Kramer:I was taking out the trash, I tripped, and fell right into the dumpster.

Jerry:You fell into the dumpster?

Kramer:Yeah, it happens.

Jerry:It happens? Kramer, you can't just fall into a dumpster and act like it's no big deal!

Elaine:Bob, I'm going to test your hearing. Can you hear me?

Bob:What?

Elaine:Can you hear me now?

Bob:What?

Elaine:BOB! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

Bob:What?

Elaine:Okay, final test. You're the most attractive man I've ever seen. I want to take you back to my apartment and... well, you know.

Bob:I'm sorry, what did you say?

Jerry:These are great seats. We're right in the middle of the action.

Hallie:Yeah, just like Lincoln.

Kramer:So, uh, you come here often?

Connie:It's your apartment.

Kramer:Right, right. Well, you look very... cylindrical today.

Connie:Cylindrical?

Kramer:In a good way. Very... aerodynamic.

Connie:Oh my God! Oh my God! He's dead! He died inside me!

Connie:Oh my God, oh my God, he's dead! Kramer's dead!

Connie:No, no, you don't understand. I can't have the police here. There's... there's things in this apartment. Things that can't be here.

Connie:Yes, yes, I'm involved with some people. Bad people. There's money that's not accounted for, and if the police start asking questions...

Connie:My boyfriend doesn't know about any of this. And there's this other guy, he's... we're seeing each other, and he's connected to...

Connie:Just please, just make sure he's really dead before you send anyone over here!

Jerry:What happened to my jacket?

Kramer:Hmph.

George:So, uh, shoelaces. You ever think about them?

Hallie:Not really, no.

George:I do. All the time. I mean, they're holding your whole shoe together, and nobody appreciates that.

Hallie:George, I think I should go.

George:Wait, I'm just getting to the knot technique. It's fascinating stuff.

Hallie:No. I'm leaving.

Kramer:What the—? Where am I? Oh my God! Oh my God!

Kramer:I'm in the water! The Hudson River! How did I get here?

Kramer:Help! Somebody help me! I can't swim! Well, I can swim, but not like this!

Peterman:What a woman. So thoughtful, so caring. She whispered because she knew I was trying to concentrate on my work.

Peterman:Most women would just talk at normal volume, but not Elaine. She understands the needs of others.

Jerry:She didn't like my jacket.

George:So?

Jerry:So? George, she didn't like my jacket. When a woman doesn't like your jacket, it's over. It's done.

George:It's just a jacket.

Jerry:No, it's not just a jacket. It's a statement. And her statement back was 'I don't like it.'

George:So you're saying if I get the jacket back, you'll de-sour?

Jerry:Yes, George, I'll de-sour.

George:Because I'm getting sour. I'm like a lemon. I'm all puckered up.

Jerry:I know you are.

George:And when I get that jacket back, I'm gonna need a little sweetening. Maybe some sugar. A little honey. Perhaps some of that sweet and sour sauce.

Jerry:George—

George:I'm gonna need you to be like a peach. A nice, sweet, ripe peach.

George:I'm telling you, I'm like Gatsby. I have this dream, this vision of what I want my life to be.

Jerry:George, you've never read Gatsby.

George:So? I know the basic concept. The green light, the mansion, the parties.

Jerry:Gatsby didn't get the girl. He died.

George:Well, maybe I'm a better Gatsby than him.

Kramer:She tried to kill me! She tried to kill me!

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Connie! She's a hitman! She tried to have me whacked!

George:Kramer, that's insane.

Kramer:No, no, no. I'm telling you, she had two guys corner me in the parking garage. Two big guys. They were gonna take me out!

Jerry:How did you get away?

Kramer:I used my head. I head-butted one of 'em and ran like hell.

Jerry:Why would Connie try to kill you?

Kramer:Well, she's in love with me. She's just expressing it in a very destructive way.

Jerry:I forgot to return the jacket.

Pat Cooper:You forgot? You forgot?! What are you, a thief? You steal a man's jacket and you forget about it?

Pat Cooper:I'm telling you, you're a bum. A no-good bum!

Jerry:The magicians took my jacket.

Pat Cooper:Oh, magicians took your jacket? What, you think Gypsies took it?

Random Person:Pat, can I ask you something?

Pat Cooper:No. You're not in the business.

Jerry:Excuse me, that's my jacket.

Man:No, this is my jacket.

George:It's the same jacket! Look at it!

Man:It's not the same. Mine has a moose.

Jerry:A moose?

Man:Yeah, a moose. Yours has a club.

George:So what, now we're supposed to know the difference between a moose and a club?

Jerry:She's leaving me. I'm sour.

George:You're not sour.

Jerry:Well, I'm getting bitter. Soon I'll be rancid.

Connie:Kramer! You're alive!

Kramer:Yeah, they said I was a 'loose end,' but I'm tied up right now.

Connie:Hi, I need a lawyer. I've been charged with attempted murder.

Lawyer:Who did you try to kill?

Connie:Kramer.

Lawyer:I can't help you.