The Stranded

Jerry:You go into a drugstore, you just want some cold medicine. But there's like 5,000 different kinds. You're standing there going, 'I don't know which one to get.' Because they all do the same thing. They all say the same thing: 'This will reduce your symptoms.' Reduce? What do you mean reduce? I don't want to reduce my symptoms, I want to eliminate my symptoms! And I want to do it now!

Jerry:You know, the doctor always says 'Take this medication with food or without food.' How am I supposed to choose? That's a huge decision! With food? Without food? I'm standing there in the morning like I'm deciding whether to invade Poland.

Jerry:I mean, what if I take it without food and my stomach explodes? What if I take it with food and it doesn't work? Now I've wasted a perfectly good meal AND I'm still sick.

Jerry:So I just stand there, staring at the pill, staring at my cereal, like Hamlet contemplating existence. 'To eat or not to eat... that IS the question.'

Jerry:You ever notice in those medical commercials, there's always that generic person? You know, the one with their mouth open like they just discovered fire? That's supposed to be you. That's supposed to be all of us. Just standing there, mouth agape, waiting for some pill to change our lives. Like we're all one pharmaceutical away from enlightenment.

Jerry:You ever notice in commercials how they show pain? They always use these crazy visual effects. Like a guy gets a headache, and suddenly there's lightning bolts shooting out of his head. His head's exploding with electricity. Then for a backache, they show this whole thing where his spine is like... it's on fire. Flames shooting up and down. And then for a toothache? The entire side of his face just erupts. Lightning, fire, explosions everywhere. It's like these people aren't in pain, they're being attacked by a special effects department.

Jerry:You ever notice in commercials how they always show some guy getting struck by lightning and he's fine? Like, 'Use our product or you'll get struck by lightning.' I'm waiting for a commercial where a doctor asks, 'Have you been struck by lightning recently?' And the guy goes, 'Yeah, about three times this week.' And the doctor says, 'Well, that's your problem right there.'

Elaine:How do you get fleas?

George:You know, my cousin had a dog. An imbecile.

George:I got fleas, Jerry. I'm telling you, I got fleas.

Jerry:A flea collar? Like a bow tie?

Jerry:Long Island? What am I, moving there? I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. That's like saying 'I'm going to be geographically responsible now.'

George:It's not that far.

Jerry:Not that far? George, Long Island is where people go to become someone else. You go out there, suddenly you're a different person. You're wearing a polo shirt, you're talking about your lawn...

Elaine:So don't go.

Jerry:I have to go. But I'm not happy about it. I'm not a Long Island person. I'm a Manhattan person. I have an image to maintain.

George:It's supposed to be a good party.

Jerry:A party is only as good as the dip.

George:There will be girls at the party.

Jerry:So?

George:So? What do you mean 'so'? Girls!

Jerry:I know what girls are, George.

Jerry:Look at this cold medicine. Phenylephrine hydrochloride, dextromethorphan hydrobromide, acetaminophen...

Elaine:What's the difference? They all make you feel better.

Jerry:The difference is one of them is just 'aloe.' Aloe! That's it. Aloe. Like we discovered fire and then decided, 'You know what? Aloe.'

Jerry:See, that's the thing about meeting girls in a drugstore. You're already in a vulnerable position. You're buying something like athlete's foot powder or hemorrhoid cream. How are you gonna approach someone?

Jerry:Like that woman right there, browsing the vitamins. Perfect. I'll just sidle up and say, 'Hey, I noticed you were looking at the B-complex. I'm more of a multi-vitamin guy myself.'

Jerry:Or her—the one by the feminine hygiene products. Real romantic opening: 'So, what brings you to this particular aisle?'

George:You gave me the wrong change. I gave you a twenty, you gave me back eight dollars.

Cashier:No, I gave you the correct change.

George:Let's break this down logically. Twenty minus the purchase price should equal the change you gave me. So if you gave me eight dollars, the total was twelve dollars. But I know it was fifteen dollars, which means you owe me three more dollars.

Cashier:Sir, you're overcomplicating this.

George:Overcomplicating? I'm simplifying! I'm reducing it to its most basic mathematical components. This is simple arithmetic. It's not my fault if you don't understand basic arithmetic.

George:I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back.

Jerry:I don't understand the appeal of parties. You stand around, make small talk with people you don't know, eat little quiches that taste like cardboard.

George:That's the whole point, Jerry. You're supposed to mingle.

Jerry:Why? So I can pretend to care about someone's job in accounting? I already have a job I don't care about.

Jerry:A real estate transaction? That's great. So what's the problem?

Jerry:There's always a problem. There's gotta be a problem. Nobody's that happy.

George:We need a code word. Something nobody would ever naturally say in conversation.

George:Giddy up.

Jerry:What is that supposed to be?

George:It's the chicken wing signal. If I do this, you know I want you to leave.

Jerry:Why don't you just say 'I want you to leave'?

George:Because I can't just say that!

Jerry:So instead you're gonna flap your arms around like a chicken and I'm supposed to know what that means?

Jerry:Why don't you just grab me by the collar and throw me out the door?

Party Guest:Hey, isn't that the guy who got naked on the beach?

Party Guest:So where do you get your material?

Jerry:Well, I'll tell you. I got up this morning, I was having my cereal, and I'm thinking - why do we need a spoon for cereal? I mean, a fork would work just as well. You could stab the cereal pieces, they're not gonna run away. And then I thought, what if they did run away? What if you're eating cereal and suddenly the Cheerios just scatter across the table like little life rafts? And that's when I realized - I'm insane.

Jerry:I have a condition. It's very rare. Very rare indeed. The doctors, they don't know much about it. But basically, if I don't do this every few minutes, I lose all upper body strength.

Party Guest:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, it's true. So if you see me doing this, just leave me alone. Don't talk to me, don't touch me, just let me do my thing.

Party Guest:Did you know George Washington Carver developed over 300 uses for the peanut? It's remarkable when you think about it. The man had a genuine passion for legumes.

Party Guest:You know what the problem is with peanuts? They're not even real nuts. They're legumes. Legumes!

George:Why is she suddenly interested in me? What changed?

Jerry:Maybe she hit her head.

Jerry:I've been thinking about trying reverse psychology with women. You know, instead of being nice and interested, I'll be completely indifferent and aloof.

Jerry:I'll ignore their calls, show up late to dates, maybe not even remember their names.

Jerry:They'll be so confused by my lack of effort that they'll become obsessed with me. It's foolproof!

Jerry:He's not doing the signal! He's supposed to do the signal!

Jerry:Look at him, just sitting there. I'm dying here.

Jerry:Fine. FINE!

Jerry:A dingo ate your baby? That's not a fiancé, that's a cautionary tale.

George:She just came right out and said it. 'I want to have sex with you.'

Jerry:She said that?

George:Those exact words.

Jerry:What did you say?

George:I said... 'okay.'

Jerry:What did you say?

George:I said, 'No, thank you.' I was very formal.

Jerry:You know what bothers me about 'make love'? It's such a pressure phrase. You're not just having sex anymore, you're supposed to be creating something. Like you're in the studio with a producer going, 'No, no, that's not quite right. Let's try it again from the top.'

Jerry:And the worst part? I actually apologized during sex once. I said 'I'm sorry' in the middle of it. She's like, 'What are you sorry for?' I don't even know! I just felt like I should apologize for something.

Jerry:You know, being a comedian is like being a circus performer. You're up there on the high wire, and if you fall, everyone sees it. There's no net. Well, actually there is a net at the circus, so I guess I'm doing worse than a circus performer.

Jerry:You know what's interesting about gambling? It's the same as sex. You're nervous, you're sweating, you're hoping you last longer than two minutes.

Party Guest:Pendant Publishing? Oh, that's amazing! I love that company!

Elaine:What a world.

Elaine:So what are we gonna do about the apartment?

Jerry:It's like nature. When the male senses danger, he abandons the female. It's a survival instinct. We're not that far removed from the animal kingdom, you know. It's all very primal.

Jerry:You know, the male code actually extends beyond Earth. If a guy's on the space shuttle, and he's drinking Tang, and a woman walks by, he's gotta say something. That's the code. 'Hey, nice zero gravity you got there.' It doesn't matter if it makes sense. The code supersedes logic.

Elaine:You're wearing a fur coat!

Fur Coat Woman:I know, but I don't eat meat.

Elaine:You don't eat meat? You're wearing a dead animal!

Fur Coat Woman:I eat fish.

Elaine:Fish are animals!

Fur Coat Woman:Fish are not pets, they're food.

Elaine:Well, tell that to my goldfish.

Elaine:So you're telling me you just flush them down the toilet when they die? That's it? No ceremony, no goodbye? They spend their whole lives swimming in circles in a bowl, and then one day—plop—they're gone forever. I mean, what kind of existence is that? 'Oh look, I'm a goldfish. I'll just swim around this glass prison for three years and then cease to exist.' It's like being born into a Kafka novel, except wetter.

Elaine:You know what? Forget it. You're not worth it.

Jerry:That is a beautiful coat.

Jerry:You're gonna want to get that cleaned.

Party Host:Sure, go ahead and use the phone.

Jerry:Thanks. Hey, while I'm at it, can I make a long distance call?

Party Host:Sure, why not?

Jerry:Because I'm worried about your phone bill.

Jerry:Hey Kramer, I got it. From now on, let's call ourselves 'KJ'. You know, K for Kramer, J for Jerry.

Kramer:KJ? That's not a name, that's a sneeze.

Party Host:620,000 people died in the Civil War.

Jerry:620,000? That's a lot of people.

Party Host:Actually, it was 750,000.

Jerry:Oh! Well that's completely different then. I'm glad we cleared that up. The horror... the horror.

Jerry:So what do you do? I'm in flexible straws. Flexible straws? What does that entail? Well, I sell them. Mostly to restaurants and bars. That's... specific. Yeah, people don't realize how much of the straw market is non-flexible. But the flexible straw industry is booming. Booming! I can imagine. No, you can't. Nobody can imagine it. It's bend-related commerce.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about this straw thing. I think we're in the middle of a major sociological shift. People are just... done with straws. It's like we've collectively decided, 'You know what? Straws are out.' In fifty years, kids are going to ask their parents, 'What's a straw?' and the parents won't even remember. 'I don't know, some kind of ancient torture device?'

Kramer:I'm going door-to-door with a picture of my apartment number. I'm gonna find out where I live!

Kramer:Jerry, I got a problem with the convertible. The top is stuck.

Jerry:So fix it.

Kramer:I can't. I need you to take it to a mechanic.

Jerry:Why me?

Kramer:Because I can't drive around with the top down in this weather.

Jerry:Wait... you want me to drive around in a convertible with the top down?

Kramer:Yeah.

Jerry:In this wind? My hair...

Jerry:Look, we were on the highway for three hours. The wind was going, the sun was beating down on us. We're exposed to the elements like pioneers. Of course we got sick!

Jerry:It's simple math: Highway + No roof + Sun + Wind = Illness. It's not complicated.

Steve:Hey Jerry, it's me, Steve!

Jerry:Steve... Steve who?

Steve:Steve! We went to high school together!

Jerry:Right, right... Steve. How've you been?

Jerry:Steve? Steve Gendason?

Steve:Yeah, it's me.

Jerry:Wow, I didn't recognize you.

Steve:Yeah, well, I have one of those faces. People never remember me. I could rob a bank, and the next day, the cops would show me a picture, and I'd say, 'I have no idea who that is.'

Steve:I came over to do you a favor. You've been looking depressed lately, so I thought I'd stop by and cheer you up.

Jerry:That's very thoughtful, but I'm actually fine.

Steve:No, no, I insist. I'm here now. We can talk about my problems.

Steve:You know, Jerry, I really appreciate you letting me stay here.

Jerry:Yeah, well, you know, it's fine. It's great. Really great.

Steve:You don't sound very convincing.

Jerry:No, no, I'm thrilled. I'm absolutely thrilled to have you here in my apartment, sleeping on my couch, eating my food, using my shower.

Steve:Okay, now you're just listing things.

Steve:We should do lunch sometime.

Jerry:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That'd be great.

George:So you're telling me you've never dated anyone from the office?

Jerry:Well, I don't have an office. I'm unemployed.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, every time I walk into that office, I feel like I'm descending into the bowels of hell.

Jerry:Dante's Inferno?

George:Exactly! Except instead of nine circles, there's just my cubicle and the break room where Steinbrenner keeps his yogurt.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, the Inferno would actually be an improvement.

George:I'm in the office bathroom, right? And I know someone's going to come in. So I'm already thinking about what I'm going to say. I can't just stand there silent. So I'm preparing conversation topics in my head. 'How about that weather?' No, too generic. 'Did you see the game last night?' What if they didn't? Now I'm the guy pushing sports. I'm stressed before anyone even walks in.

George:Then they DO walk in, and now I'm committed. I've already made eye contact. I can't pretend I didn't see them. So I have to execute one of my prepared topics. But what if I already used that topic with this person? Now I'm worried they think I'm repetitive. So I'm improvising. And nothing kills a bathroom interaction like improvised conversation.

George:This is why I use the bathroom at home. At least there, I only have to worry about disappointing myself.

George:I don't want to interrupt a good conversation to go to the bathroom. I'm afraid I'll miss something. So I just hold it.

Jerry:That's insane.

George:I once held it for three hours during a dinner party because someone was telling a story about their trip to the Catskills. I didn't want to miss the ending.

Jerry:Did they have a good ending?

George:It was okay. Not worth the kidney pain.

Kramer:I got something for you.

George:I'm not stealing. I'm just taking what I need to survive. It's like the law of nature.

Elaine:George, that's stealing.

George:No, no, no. Stealing is when you take something that doesn't belong to you. But if I need it to live, then it belongs to me.

Store Security:Hey, you! Stop right there!

George:What? What did I do?

Store Security:You're the guy from before. You came in here complaining about the shirt.

George:I don't know what you're talking about.

Store Security:Yeah, yeah I remember you. You were very upset about the collar.

Elaine:So how are we gonna get the medicine?

George:What do you mean? We'll just buy it.

Elaine:With what money?

Steve:So I'm at this wedding, right? And there's these doves. White doves. Beautiful white doves. They release them, you know, for good luck or whatever. So up they go, up, up, up into the sky. And I'm watching them go up. Everyone's watching them go up. And then... they come back down. But they're not white anymore. They're gray. Completely gray. How does that happen? How do doves change color in mid-air? Nobody knows. Nobody can explain it. The bride's upset, the groom's confused, I'm standing there thinking about gray doves.

Jerry:So you're telling me you just call them up?

Steve:Yeah, why not? What's the worst that could happen?

Jerry:I don't know, Steve. I think there might be some legal issues there.

Steve:Legal issues? It's just a phone call!

Jerry:Yeah, a phone call to an escort service. That's not exactly a gray area.

Steve:Hello. I am Steve. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I trust you are well this evening?

Jerry:Yeah, this is great. I've got an escort in my bedroom and a debt collector in my living room. I'm like a one-man economic stimulus package.

Jerry:How much does he want?

Jerry:That's insane! I don't have that kind of money!

Police Officer:You're under arrest for solicitation.

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. Have you ever had my mother's chicken soup? It's incredible. The broth alone is worth three counts of whatever you're charging me with.

Police Officer:That's... not how the legal system works.

Jerry:You haven't tasted it.

Elaine:Oh my God, is that a real fur coat?

Elaine:You know, the way you're wearing that fur... it's cruel. Those animals suffered for your vanity.

Jerry:You ever notice how the length of the pause before someone asks you for a favor is directly proportional to how big the favor is? It's like a warning system. A short pause, small favor. A long pause... you know you're about to get asked to help someone move.