The Soup

Jerry:What about the Probe? The Ford Probe. That's a weird name for a car. It sounds like something from a science fiction movie. 'We're going to probe you with the new Ford Probe.' I don't want to be probed. I don't want anyone probing me, let alone in a Ford.

Jerry:Limited. LTD. Limited to what? Limited to what they can sell.

Jerry:You know what I hate about car names? They take a perfectly good word and just mangle it. Like 'Altima' — what is that? It's not a word. It sounds like they were trying to say 'optimum' but gave up halfway through.

Jerry:And then there's 'Maxima' — oh, we're just adding 'a' to everything now? What's next, 'Goodima'? 'Reliabima'?

Jerry:The whole thing is cynical marketing. They don't want you to think about what the word actually means. They just want something that sounds vaguely impressive and Latin-y.

Jerry:So I'm thinking, what if you went to a lemonade stand and the guy said 'That'll be five dollars.' And you said 'Five dollars? For lemonade?' And he said 'Well, it's not lemonade, it's lemona. We couldn't afford the 'de.'

Jerry:Or you go to a lawyer and he says 'I'm not a lawyer, I'm a lawya. I dropped the 'er' - I was going through some financial difficulties.'

George:I want the Typhoon. I've done the research. I know what I want.

Vic:The Typhoon. Good choice. Now, what about N.I.?

George:N.I.? What's N.I.?

Vic:N.I. — No Interest.

Vic:This car was owned by a little old lady who only drove it on Sundays.

Jerry:Really? Who?

Vic:Stevie Nicks.

Jerry:You can't date a dentist. Think about it. A dentist is constantly looking at people's teeth. How are you gonna have a normal relationship with someone who is always thinking about the condition of your teeth?

Elaine:What do you mean? That's ridiculous.

Jerry:No, no, no. You're eating a sandwich, you're trying to enjoy yourself, and they're just staring at your molars. 'You know, you really should floss more.' Even when you're intimate, they're thinking about your gums.

Jerry:You know, Consumer Reports says you should never buy a used car from a private party.

George:Well, I'm a consumer. I bought a used car from a private party. So I guess I'm not supposed to exist.

George:I didn't buy this car to meet celebrities.

Jerry:Yeah, and I'm not a comedian.

Jerry:You're obsessed with Jon Voight.

George:I am not obsessed.

Jerry:You've seen Runaway Train like fifteen times.

George:It's a great movie!

Jerry:It's the same movie every time. Jon Voight is on a train, and it's runaway. Hence, Runaway Train.

Kramer:You know, we're losing all the mom-and-pop stores. Pretty soon it's gonna be nothing but chains.

Jerry:Yeah, that's a shame.

Kramer:It is a shame. These big companies, they come in, they destroy the little guy.

Jerry:Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Kramer:Shop at the mom-and-pop stores.

Jerry:Why would I do that? The chains are cheaper and they're open later.

Kramer:Because you're killing America!

Jerry:I'm killing America? I'm just trying to buy socks.

Kramer:You gotta go to this guy, he's the best. He cobbled my shoes.

Jerry:Cobbled? What are you talking about? You don't cobble shoes. You resole them, you reheel them. Cobbled is what you do to stones. You cobble stones together.

Kramer:Well, that's what he did.

Jerry:He didn't cobble your shoes, Kramer.

Kramer:You know, I think it's because you're afraid of commitment. You see, each sneaker represents a different version of yourself that you're trying on, but you can never fully commit to one identity. It's a defense mechanism.

Jerry:Kramer, they're sneakers.

Kramer:Exactly. You're a tortured soul, Jerry.

George:You know what? Jon Voight is a better actor than Liam Neeson.

George:Playing a heroic guy, an upstanding guy - that's easy. But playing a sleazy, slimy, despicable guy? That takes real talent.

Jerry:I stepped in gum.

George:You stepped in gum? Where?

Jerry:Right outside.

George:Well don't come near my car! I just had it detailed!

George:I'm gonna walk down Fifth Avenue, gonna flag down a yellow cab... No wait, I'm gonna get a nice car, a Buick maybe, something with good upholstery...

George:They call me Midnight Cowboy but I should call myself Midnight Car Boy because I'm obsessed with Jon Voight's automobile situation in that film...

Jerry:Where'd you get the cowboy boots?

Kramer:Oh, I did a thing.

Jerry:A thing?

Kramer:Yeah, I was the voice of a character on a children's show. They paid me in boots.

George:Hey, I'm not that bad. I'm like Jon Voight.

Jerry:You're nothing like Jon Voight.

George:Well, he's not a likable guy either!

Pop:This is all Kramer's fault!

Mom:How is this Kramer's fault? We've owned this shop for 48 years.

Pop:He should have told us about the electrical code!

Mom:Pop, we knew about it.

Pop:Well, he should have made us do something about it!

Jerry:What is this? A pencil?

George:Yeah, I found it in the glove compartment. Look at the bite marks.

Jerry:Bite marks? George, it's a pencil.

George:Those are teeth marks. Very distinctive. I'm telling you, a celebrity bit this pencil. I can tell by the dental work.

Jerry:What if I just started spelling my name wrong? Like, 'It's Jerry... with a G. G-E-R-R-Y. No wait, that's how you spell it. Okay, G-I-R-R-Y. No, that's not right either. How about J-E-R-R-E? No... J-A-R-R-Y. Yeah, that's it. From now on, I'm J-A-R-R-Y.'

Jerry:What, you want me to believe it's the car from Kramer's dream? Next you'll tell me it's Steve Buscemi's personal vehicle!

Jerry:Oh, and I suppose that's Al Pacino's limo parked outside? With Sean Penn doing valet?

Jerry:Maybe it's Cher's convertible with Madonna as the co-pilot!

Jerry:Or better yet—it's actually a spaceship piloted by extraterrestrial versions of the entire cast of 'thirtysomething'!

Street Thug:Hey, what's with the boots, cowboy? You think you're some kind of urban pioneer? You look like you're about to line dance in front of a bodega.

Jerry:They're just boots.

Street Thug:Just boots? You're dressed like a Village People backup dancer who got lost on the way to the subway. Give me your wallet.

George:You know, I think Jon Voight changed the spelling of his name. It used to be Jon Vo-ight, but he changed it to Jon Voight.

Jerry:Well, that's a good change. Voight is a lot zippier than Vo-ight.

Jerry:So I'm trying to figure out how to word the invitation. Do I say 'Please join us' or 'You're invited' or 'We're having a party'?

Elaine:Why don't you just say 'Come to my party'?

Jerry:No, that's too casual. It's got to have the right tone.

Elaine:Jerry, nobody cares about the wording.

Jerry:They don't? So what are you saying - I should use 'Please join us'?

Elaine:I'm saying don't have a party.

Jerry:Wait a minute. You have no children?

Frank:That's right.

Jerry:But it's a 'mom and pop' store.

Frank:So?

Jerry:So you can't be a mom and pop without kids. That's false advertising!

Jerry:So let me get this straight. The shop owners all got together, they formed a coalition, they made a pact. They said, 'You know what? Let's all raise our prices on the same day, so nobody knows about it.' That's a conspiracy.

Kramer:Exactly!

Jerry:And how much did prices go up?

Kramer:A nickel. A dime.

Jerry:A nickel? You're telling me these shop owners got together, coordinated a massive price-fixing scheme, risked federal prosecution, all so they could raise the price of a cup of coffee a nickel?

George:You know, I was thinking about it. Jon Voight is a terrific actor. One of the best.

Jerry:Jon Voight? What are you talking about?

George:Come on, he's great. 'Midnight Cowboy,' 'Coming Home'...

Jerry:George, Jon Voight is not a good actor.

George:Are you out of your mind? The man is a craftsman!

George:What if he just shows up? What if he decides to come to my apartment?

Jerry:George, that's what happens to me every day.

George:Vampire! It's a vampire!

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:The bite marks! Two puncture wounds! It's a vampire, Jerry!

Jerry:George, it was Jon Voight.

George:Exactly! Jon Voight!

Jerry:So I'm thinking, how am I gonna prove this? I go to the police, I say 'Officer, I have a bite mark.' He says 'Let me see it.' I show him my arm. He says 'That could be anybody.' So I say 'No, no, no, I have the dental records of everyone at the party!'

Jerry:I'm walking around with a clipboard, 'Okay, who wants to go first? Come on, open wide. We're doing a little forensic work here.'

Elaine:So what do you think about Woody Woodpecker?

Mr. Pitt:Well, I'll tell you something about Woody. He's a very disturbed individual. All that laughing, the manic energy - it's a cry for help. The man is clearly struggling with some very deep psychological issues.

Tim:Hey Jerry, how's it going?

Jerry:It's going great! You know, I've been thinking about how people say 'how's it going' — nobody actually wants to know how it's going. If you really told them, they'd walk away. 'It's going terrible, Tim. My life is falling apart.' But you say 'great' and suddenly you're a well-adjusted person.

George:You know Jon Voight? THE Jon Voight? The actor?

Tim:Yeah, I know Jon Voight.

George:Jon Voight the Academy Award winner? Midnight Cowboy, Coming Home?

Tim:Well, no. It's a different Jon Voight. He's an accountant in Paramus.

George:An accountant? There's two Jon Voights?

Dentist Tim:Open wide, let me see that tooth.

Jerry:Mmph...

Dentist Tim:You've got some plaque buildup here. I'm going to need to use the air tool.

Jerry:Wait, what? No air tools!

Dentist Tim:It'll just take a second.

Phone caller:Hi Jerry, it's your mother. I'm calling from the garage sale.

Phone caller:You know those sneakers you left here? Well, your father and I decided to sell them.

Phone caller:We've already made twelve dollars!

Jerry:You know what I don't understand about parades? Why do they always have marching bands? I mean, why do we need a marching band? We already have music. We have recorded music. We have CDs. We have the radio. Why do we need guys in funny hats walking down the street playing tubas? And why are they marching? Where are they going? They're not going anywhere. They're just walking back and forth. It's like, 'We're going to play this terrible music, AND we're going to make it difficult.'

Jerry:You ever notice how people wave differently depending on the situation? Like, at a parade, it's this big, enthusiastic wave. 'Hello! Hello!' At a funeral, it's just a slight nod. Very subtle. Then there's the car wave when someone lets you in traffic. That's a quick little finger thing. At the airport, when you're saying goodbye, that's the long, drawn-out wave where your arm gets tired. And then there's the amusement park train wave—that's special. People just lose their minds on those trains. 'Woooo! Hi, Mom!' Like they're being deported.

Jerry:So you're going to the party?

George:Yeah, I got my invitation last week.

Jerry:Oh, that's great.

George:You didn't get one?

Jerry:No, no, I... I'm sure it's coming.

George:It's not coming, Jerry.

Jerry:How do you know?

George:Because everyone got one. Everyone but you.

Tim:So, would you like to go out with me sometime?

Elaine:What? I can't hear you!

Tim:I said, would you like to go out with me?

Elaine:Yeah, the mozzarella sticks are great!

Tim:No, I'm asking you on a date!

Elaine:A gate? There's no gate here!

Jerry:You know what? The hell with his party. I don't wanna go to begin with.

Kramer · Jerry:Mom and Pop aren't even a mom and pop? It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored bigtime.

Jerry:So Mom and Pop's plan was to move into the neighbourhood... establish trust... for 48 years... and then run off with Jerry's sneakers?

George · Yankees Executive:Jon Voight Day. — Jon Voight? The actor? — I make a motion that we have no more of these meetings that have been initiated by George Costanza.

George:I suppose if I had suggested Liam Neeson Day, you'd all be patting me on the back.

Kramer:Jon Voight! Hey, Jon Voight! Hey, listen. Can I ask you something?

Kramer:Jon Voight! Hey, listen. Can I ask you something? [Jon Voight's cab drives away / Kramer is left standing there]

George · Jerry:Jerry, for all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder? — The way I feel when I go places with you?

Kramer:He was a little standoffish.

Kramer:I couldn't. His cab pulled away. But he did make an impression on me. / Look. / What? / His tooth marks. He bit me.

Kramer · George · Jerry:Look. — What? — His tooth marks. He bit me. — Jon Voight bit you? — What is he, a vampire?

Jerry:You're showing up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm?

Mr. Pitt · Elaine:These are the balloons? Big deal. All I see is Woody Woodpecker. — You got a problem with Woody Woodpecker? — Yeah. What is he, some sort of an instigator? That's right. He's a troublemaker.

Elaine · George:Hey, did you get my message? — What? I can't hear a word you're saying. My head is still ringing.

Random Guy · Elaine:Elaine, would you marry me? — I told you, I can't hear a word. — All right. Forget it.

Tim Whatley · George · Kramer:Hey, is that Jerry Seinfeld? — He didn't come with us.

Tim Whatley · Jerry:Jerry. I didn't think you'd show. — Did you say, 'Jerry, I didn't think you'd show,' or 'Jerry, I didn't think you'd show.'

Tim Whatley · Elaine:I'm really glad you came. — What? — I'm really glad you came.

Tim Whatley · Elaine:Elaine, I've been wanting to ask you... would you like to go out with me New Year's Eve? — Thanks.

George:Get the pencil out of your mouth! You're destroying Jon Voight's teeth marks.

Dentist · George:Jon Voight, the actor? — No. The periodontist.

Crowd · Mr. Pitt:You popped Woody Woodpecker! — Hey, who invited you anyway? You're a troublemaker.

radio announcer:Looks like Woody Woodpecker is running out of air. In fact, he's collapsing. Those kids look pretty disappointed. Especially that big kid up in the front. How old is he?

Jerry · Kramer:Where are they? — Parsippany, New Jersey. — Let's go. — My car's in the shop. — How are we getting to Parsippany?

Kramer · Pop:Jerry... these nosebleeds are starting again. Maybe we should get you to a hospital. — I ain't going to no Bellevue.

Jerry:The marching band is a perfect example of taking something bad and making it difficult too.

Jerry:Why does the band have to march? We're not moving. Maybe if they hold still, we could all leave. Is that why they do it? People try and get away. 'No, you don't. I'm right with you. Right with you, buddy.'

Jerry:Why does the band have to march? We're not moving. / Maybe if they hold still, we could all leave. / Is that why they do it? People try and get away. / 'No, you don't. I'm right with you. Right with you, buddy.'

Jerry:The human urge to wave at total strangers just moving by is very strong, isn't it? Parades and ocean liners and those little trains that go through amusement parks. It's always that bittersweet, kind of hello-goodbye combination wave. I've never seen these people before in my life, and they're leaving.