The Cafe

Jerry:There's got to be some places where businesses just can't survive. It's like the Bermuda Triangle of retail. You know? Some locations are just cursed. A pizza place opens up, six months later it's gone. A dry cleaner moves in, out of business in a year. There's something about that corner.

Jerry:I'm telling you, it's like the Bermuda Triangle out there. People just disappear. One day you're doing fine, the next day you're gone. No explanation.

George:So what are you saying? We're all going to disappear?

Jerry:I'm saying it could happen. Although, if I do disappear, I want someone to call my dry cleaner and tell them I won't be picking up my shirts.

George:You know, we're living in a society. We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way. But nobody does. Everybody just does whatever they want and, to hell with it.

George:Women don't want nice guys.

George:They want jerks!

George:Wait, that's not right. Women deserve respect and kindness. That's despicable to say!

George:This guy's business is failing. He's gonna lose everything. His wife's gonna leave him, take the kids, move to Connecticut. He'll be living in a studio apartment, eating cereal for dinner, wondering where it all went wrong.

George:She compared me to a chimpanzee. I said, 'Fine.' Then she said I had the organizational skills of a ferret. I said, 'Okay.' She said my decision-making process was similar to that of a dog. I didn't argue.

George:We're like animals. We're struggling to survive, to feed ourselves, to find a mate. All we care about is the opposite sex and food.

Jerry:George, we live in Manhattan. We're not in the Serengeti.

George:I'm not smart enough to be a lawyer.

Jerry:What are you talking about? You're plenty smart.

George:No, I'm not. I've been faking it my whole life. People think I'm smart, but I have no idea what I'm doing.

Jerry:What did you get on your SATs?

George:1198.

Jerry:That's pretty good.

George:Nah, I'm lying. I got a 758.

George:My SAT score? I can't tell you my SAT score. Nobody knows my SAT score.

George:It's not something I discuss. It's not something I even think about.

George:If I told you my SAT score, you'd never look at me the same way again.

George:It would change everything between us. Everything.

George:I'm like a vulture circling roadkill. I can't look away. It's fascinating to watch something die in real time.

George:And the best part? I don't have to feel bad about it. It's not my restaurant.

George:You see, the spider doesn't know how to kill the bug. He's not a real predator. So he traps it in a web, and he waits. And waits. And waits. And finally, when the bug is weak and exhausted, he makes his move.

Jerry:So what are you saying? You're like a spider?

George:I'm saying I'm doing what comes naturally.

Jerry:You know, I've been chewing this gum for like twenty minutes.

Kramer:Yeah, but how many bubbles have you blown?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe five or six.

Kramer:That's not very efficient. You're only getting one bubble per three and a half minutes of chewing.

Kramer:You know, I don't understand this rule about buzzer privileges. I mean, why should only certain people be allowed to buzz up visitors?

Jerry:What are you talking about? There's no rule about buzzer privileges.

Kramer:Well, then why won't you let me buzz people up?

Jerry:Because the last time you buzzed someone up, you didn't check who it was and it turned out to be a serial killer.

Kramer:That was ONE time!

George:I was just thinking, you know, 'carpe diem' — seize the day.

Jerry:What are you talking about? You're sitting on the couch.

George:I know, but it sounds good. Makes me sound intelligent.

Jerry:You're not fooling anyone.

George:Yeah, well, I got nothing else going on, so I might as well throw in some Latin.

Jerry:You know, watching this guy struggle with his restaurant, it's like... I almost want to put him out of his misery.

Jerry:What cologne are you wearing?

George:What cologne am I wearing? WHAT COLOGNE AM I WEARING?! This is the question that haunts me day and night. This is the cologne that defines my very existence, Jerry. It's Brut.

George:You know, we're living in a society. We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way. We're supposed to behave. Otherwise, we're no better than animals.

Jerry:We're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way!

Elaine:I don't know anybody's IQ score. Nobody knows anybody's IQ score.

Elaine:Wait, I got a 154.

Jerry:You got a 127 on an IQ test? That's incredible!

Elaine:Well, I'm not a moron.

George:Oh please, you're a moron.

Elaine:I am not a moron!

George:You are too a moron.

Elaine:Am not!

George:Are too!

Elaine:Am not!

George:Are too!

Elaine:You guys are gonna cheat on an IQ test? I'm in! What do I need to do?

George:You know, I've been thinking about changing my name. Something with more pizzazz. Maybe something like Bryce or Lance.

Elaine:Oh, that's a great idea! You'd be so much more glamorous!

George:You really think so? Wait a minute... I could get a job at an ad agency, wear an ascot, maybe date models...

George:My name is... Bryce. Bryce Costanza. Yeah, that works!

Babu:So what about the publicity? What about the buzz?

Jerry:The buzz is... tremendous. People are talking about your restaurant all over the city.

Babu:Really? Who is talking?

Jerry:Everyone. It's the hottest place in town right now.

Babu:You want me to describe the wet towel?

Babu:It is a rectangular piece of terrycloth, moistened with a solution of water and a minimal amount of detergent, warmed to approximately body temperature, for the purpose of cleansing the diner's hands and face prior to the commencement of the meal.

Babu:Today we have very special menu. We have the spaghetti and meatballs, the General Tso's chicken, the beef tacos, and the matzo ball soup.

Jerry:That's quite a combination.

Babu:Is good! Is fusion!

Jerry:I gave money to a homeless guy today. I feel great about myself.

Jerry:I'm like Mother Teresa.

Jerry:Of course, Mother Teresa never got change back.

Jerry:IQ tests don't really mean anything. They're just a number.

George:Are you kidding? IQ tests are very important. They measure intelligence.

Jerry:So what?

George:So what? So everything! I got an 82 on my SATs.

Jerry:That's not an IQ test.

George:Well, it's the same thing.

Jerry:You know what? I'm gonna help you out here, Babu. I'm gonna tell everyone I know to come here.

Jerry:I'm gonna send business your way. You're gonna be packed!

Babu:Oh, that's very nice of you, Jerry.

Jerry:No, no, I mean it. I'm a man of influence. People listen to me. I say the Babu Bhatt's is the best Pakistani restaurant in the city, suddenly it's the best Pakistani restaurant in the city.

Jerry:So what do you say, Babu? You want me to pimp your restaurant?

Kramer:You know, there's a statute of limitations on that.

Jerry:A sculpture of limitations? That sounds like a modern art piece.

Jerry:I'm trying to concentrate here.

Kramer:Hey, you got a pen I could borrow?

Jerry:Kramer, I'm in the middle of a test.

Elaine:Jerry, what's the capital of Peru?

Jerry:Elaine, not now!

Kramer:So is that a no on the pen?

Jerry:Yes, Kramer, it's a no!

Jerry:So Babu comes in, he's all nervous about the test, right? And he's got this container of food...

Babu:I am very anxious, Jerry. This test, it is very important.

Jerry:I know, I know. Just relax, you'll do fine.

Babu:No, no, you don't understand. If I fail this test, my whole future, it is ruined.

Jerry:Come on, what's the worst that could happen?

Babu:The worst? I'll tell you the worst...

Jerry:He spills the entire container all over the test. Right there. Ink everywhere. The test is completely destroyed.

Babu:This is the worst moment of my life!

Jerry:I have a confession to make. I may have accidentally helped Babu cheat on his test.

Jerry:Well, I was sitting next to him, and he kept looking at my paper. I didn't stop him.

Jerry:You know, Babu, the key to a successful restaurant is consistency. Same food, same service, every single day.

Babu:Yes, yes, Jerry. You are so wise. I will do exactly as you say.

Babu:Thank you, Jerry. You have saved my restaurant. You are a good man. A very good man.

Jerry:I recommended a restaurant to someone. They went there, had a great meal. I'm a hero. I'm like the Zagat guide with hair.

Jerry:Then they asked me what I ordered there. I said, 'I don't know, I've never been there.'

Babu · Jerry:Babu accidentally spilling food/liquid all over the IQ test

George:I'm not taking the stairs like some kind of sucker. The window is a perfectly logical exit.

George:I'm not a smart man.

George:I know this.

Jerry:So let me get this straight. George is coming up. He's ascending. He's in motion. Vertical motion. From a lower position to a higher position. This is what we call 'coming up.'

Jerry:George took an IQ test. The results came back, and they said he was below average.

George:Below average? That's impossible! I'm very smart!

Jerry:George, you scored a 78.

George:A 78? That's not fair! The test was biased against me!

Jerry:Biased? How was it biased?

George:They asked me questions about math and reading. I'm a man! Why would they ask me that stuff?

Jerry:George, those are on every IQ test.

George:Well, they should ask men questions about important things. Like how to open a beer bottle with your teeth, or which sports team is better.

George:She looked at me like I was some kind of idiot. I said, 'What? I was nine years old! I wanted to be a beekeeper!'

Jerry:You know what I realized? An IQ test is basically just following instructions. Like, 'Read this question, answer it correctly.' That's it. That's the whole thing.

Jerry:So if you can't follow basic instructions, you're not intelligent. But here's the thing — most people can't follow instructions. So basically, everyone's stupid.

Jerry:I recommended this place to you guys. I'm gonna be honest, I think I made a mistake.

Babu:Why you tell me open restaurant?! You said 'Babu, this is a dream, you can do it!' Now I have nothing! No money, no restaurant, no dream!

Babu:You are bad man, Jerry! Very bad man! I trusted you!

Babu:Get out! GET OUT of my life!

Babu:You ruin me. You ruin my life. I spit on you.

Jerry:What does my mother know? She's my mother. She has to like me. It's in the mother contract.

Jerry:If my mother didn't like me, what would that mean? That I'm a bad person? That I'm doing something wrong with my life?

Jerry:Of course she likes me. She pushed me out of her body. She's not going to say, 'Yeah, he came out of me, but I don't like him.'

Jerry:So what'd you get on the second IQ test?

George:129.

Jerry:129? That's a big jump from 85.

George:Well, I studied.

Jerry:You know, I tried to help Babu. I really did. But I realized something - I'm like a superhero who only has powers on Tuesdays.

Jerry:The rest of the week, I'm just a guy in a cape looking stupid. That's why he's angry at me. I showed up with superpowers one day, and the next day I'm back to being a regular person who can't even help with the immigration forms.

Jerry:So the superhero saves the girl from the burning building, right? But then what? She's got no place to live, no clothes, no money. He just flies away. 'You're welcome!' Meanwhile she's standing there in the street going, 'Great, I'm homeless.'

Jerry · George:Well, well, well... / He's coming up? / Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.

Jerry:Well, maybe the test was gender-biased. You know, a lot of questions on hunting and testicles.

George:It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

George · Jerry:Come on. I'll guarantee you 140. / What do you have to lose? / You could do worse!

Babu:You see how I listen? (Babu to Jerry, reopening as a Pakistani restaurant)

Jerry (inner monologue):Very good? No, not very good... very great. I am very, very great.

Jerry:The IQ tests always have that sample question at the beginning where they show you how to fill in the circle. This should be the first elimination point right there. Anybody goes outside that circle: 'You wanna come with us, please? Yeah, you're done. Your test is over. You went outside the circle, okay?'

Jerry:Stand-up bit: IQ test sample question — 'anyone who goes outside the circle: you're done, your test is over.'

Jerry · Kramer:What are you doing? / Quiet. Don't say anything. (Kramer hiding from the jacket guy in Jerry's apartment, using Jerry as cover)

Man · Kramer · Jerry:I'm not leaving till you give me that jacket! / Open up, Kramer! / What did you come in here for? / Well, I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

Kramer:Elaine is trapped by the jacket siege: 'I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.' — Kramer chose Jerry's apartment to evade him.

Jerry (as George):You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee...

Elaine · George:Elaine goes out the window AGAIN to return the test: 'You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee...'

Jerry · Babu:I never do this, but the shrimp... it's just a little stringy. / You have any chicken? / The shrimp is stringy? / Well, maybe you refrigerated... / Quiet! / No, I... / You shut up! / You make me change restaurant, but nobody come!

Babu:You say make Pakistani. Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!

Babu:You bad man! You very, very bad man.

Jerry (inner monologue):Bad man? Could my mother have been wrong?

Monica · Elaine:Are you looking for George? / Well... Kind of. / George left. / Is that the test?

Elaine · Monica:I hope you do a lot better this time. / Actually, I think I did. The first time, I couldn't really concentrate.

Jerry:You know what it was? Bad location.

George · Jerry · Elaine:You know what my IQ is? One fifty-one. / One fifty-one? / Yeah.

Jerry · George · Elaine:That's a good score. / So, what are you up for? How about Mexican? / Italian. / No, Chinese.

Jerry:It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers: Your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spider-Men, your Elastic Men. They're all wearing disguises. Masks over their faces, secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.

Jerry:'Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?'