Make The Space

Ilana:Mnh. God, I'm gonna go down a full shoe size after this.

Ilana · Abbi:I was just cleaning up my bunions. / I think that's actually a callus. Right, girl?

Abbi:It's staring at me.

Ilana:Flowers?! In a vase?!

Ilana:'Cause I could really use some help tackling my ingrowns. It's honestly a three-person job.

Ilana:Johnny, would you be a pal and towel me up? I'm a little raw!

Ilana · Abbi:No, it's just an old handkerchief I found lying around. That old thing?

Ilana · Jaimé:Jaimé, I'm, like, smelling something funky. / Mi amora, I don't mean to be mean, but I think it's your disgusting feet. Like, I can taste it.

Ilana:My tootsies are gonna be fresh to death by the time you get back, if you choose to come back.

Lisa:Okay, folks, let's talk about this month's aesthetic. As you know, the theme is... birds... again.

Abbi:It's timeless. And... and timely. Time's Up, right?

Abbi · Customer:Ma'am, where can I find that shirt? / Okay, you can call me 'miss,' and this guy right here is gonna be around the corner at the bottom of the stairs. But if you hit the vanity made of vintage teacups, you've gone too far.

Abbi · Customer:Ma'am, where can I find the, um... / ...the smelly sticks? / Mm. You can call me 'miss.' And you call the smelly sticks 'sage smudging wands,' and they're gonna be over there in the corner, right next to the robin's nest Caucasian headdresses.

Abbi:I would be honored to lead this project.

Lisa:You're not ready yet. Just doesn't happen overnight.

Lisa:Plus, you're an amazing sales associate! I c... I can't afford to lose you from the floor.

Ilana:Aaaah! [scream upon entering Jaimé's room]

Ilana · Abbi:A long time ago, I promised Jaimé I would never enter his room. / Okay, wait. Sorry. The whole time that you've lived here, you've never gone in Jaimé's room before? / Correct. He asked me not to, so I wasn't about to be another greedy-ass white person who thinks they're owed dominion over every single brown person's territory. Who do you think I am, some sort of Christina Columbus?

Ilana:Okay, but then today I smelled a smell so bad, it was the stench of death.

Ilana · Abbi:Like, have you ever seen 'American Psycho'? / Yeah. / Or 'Sicario'? / No, I didn't see that. / Or Matt Damon try to talk about sexual assault? / 'Cause this is worse.

Ilana · Abbi:Jaimé is a hoarder. [long beat of Abbi processing]

Ilana:I mean, who doesn't finish an everything bagel with cream cheese?

Ilana:Okay, Abbi, we don't call people 'crazy' 'cause it stigmatizes mental illness.

Ilana:Abbi, denial ain't just a river in, um... / [long pause] / He's in denial.

Ilana · Abbi:Ugh! She cannot talk to you like that. She's not the boss of you. / I mean, she literally is the boss of me. She's my boss.

Ilana:Wait. It is, like, so cuckoo that Jaimé kept all my psych textbooks from college.

Ilana · Abbi:Uh, Doy-ee! / Got it. Make you buy the book. Duh! We're, like... We... We know.

Ilana · Abbi:'Treatment... absolutely never, ever, under any circumstances... m-move the hoarder's possessions without them.' [beat, then cut to: 'All right. Think it matches? / Close enough, right?']

Abbi · Ilana:So good you took this photo, dude. / Oh, my God, I needed to. My mother lives for this shit. Whenever she's on a diet and needs to stop herself from eating, she just Googles hoarder photos. Loses her appetite immediately.

Jaimé · Ilana · Abbi:Okay. Hola, Abbi. / Hi. Hey. / Wait. I think I'm gonna go. / No! You helped me decorate my whole office. You don't want to see the magic happen in it?

Abbi · Ilana:Okay, listen, I thought that I could do this, but when my parents got divorced, I had to go through a lot of therapy, and this is actually very triggering for me. I'm not good with therapy. / Okay. If you stay, you can have some of the cheese.

Ilana · Jaimé · Abbi:I want to assure you I would never share what happens in this room with anybody in my personal life. / But is that because, like, most of the people in your personal life are, like, in this room right now? / Mm. So true. See, we are already making some excellent discoveries here.

Ilana:I had to go in your room because I smelled what I thought could only be the stench of death. But then I later discovered it was an unfinished everything bagel with cream cheese, which... no judgment... is way worse.

Ilana · Abbi:I think it's going well. / Really good. / Yeah.

Abbi:Hold on. Ilana, are you using the same cheese grater on the cheese that you're using on your feet?

Abbi:I'm sorry, I'm still feeling very uncomfortable in general, and I'm also starting to feel ill, probably because I've been eating cheese that's mixed in with your heel skin.

Ilana · Abbi:I put the grater in Barbicide after I use it on my feet. Do you think I'm an idiot? / Barbicide?

Abbi:I'm sorry, but, Ilana, do I have to go to the hospital?

Ilana:Okay, you are wasting Jaimé's hour. Okay? This is so unprofessional! I'll handle it, okay?

Abbi · Ilana:Okay, dude, just be honest with me. Did I or did I not eat your foot cheese? / What part of 'I put the cheese grater in Barbicide before it touches the cheese' do you not understand?

Ilana:And not for nothing, you're probably lactose-intolerant 'cause you're an Ashkenazi Jew. Or maybe you didn't know that. Okay?

Ilana · Abbi:And have you never sucked on a couple toes before? / I have sucked on toes. / Really? / Yeah. / Because you're lucky, girl. A lot of people pay good money for my foot shavings.

Jaimé:Mi amor, I decided to move in with Johnny, in his house in New Jersey.

Ilana:No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. / Where the fuck is the reverse-psychology section?! Where is it?!

Ilana:Jaimé, I don't like to say 'crazy,' but you are fuckin' nuts, okay? Moving to Jersey?! What are you, Bruce Springsteen?! / You're like... ♪ Henh, henh, huhhhggh, eghghh ♪

Ilana · Jaimé · Abbi:Wait. Where's Mon-claya? / It's 'Montclair.' / Montclair!

Jaimé · Johnny · Ilana · Abbi:Um, so, who is this Bruce Springsteen again? / Yeah, I don't really know his music. / You don't know who The Boss is? / Mnh-mnh.

Jaimé · Ilana · Johnny:What does he sound like? / Yeah. / ♪ Hey, mm, hey, he-hoo-ho ♪ / ♪ Hey, mm, hey, hm, hey, hmm-hmm ♪ / ♪ Hey, mm, baby! ♪ / Right. I-I now get the vibe. / You got it? / Ah, yes. / I get the vibe.

Ilana · Johnny:Hey, Johnny. Can I ask you something? / Yeah. / Am I a good therapist?

Johnny:No matter how wildly unprofessional you were, you made the space for Jaimé to talk about his issues. That's really all you can do as a therapist, right? Just make the space.

Abbi:'Make the space.' I need to make the space in Anthropologie. No one's gonna be like, 'Hey, Abbi, you want to do a window display?' No, I got to fuckin' do it myself.

Ilana · Abbi:What was that, Abbi? What did you call it? / Sorry, did I say... Did I say 'trash'? I meant 'precious objects.' I can use all these beautiful, precious objects... to make the display.

Ilana:Follow your third eye... your clit.

Unknown Man:Christina, come on! You got to let me see my baby boy! Of course I'm responsible enough to be a dad! / Ohh. Christina! Nasty. Don't hang up! / You're not listening. You're not Li... Christina! You're not listening!

Ilana · Abbi:Good morning, bitch. / Jesus! / Ilana, what? / Yeah, I guess I got carried away.

Ilana:You motherfuckers. This is insane. You know what? Zoe, you're the fucking worst. I dare you to find someone who can fold a tunic sweater better than me!

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, my God! / What? / Rat Bastard! / Oh, my God! Ilana, what?! / Okay, I-I put a rodent and hoarder trash in their window.

Abbi:I think they actually made the right call.

Ilana:Damn. First Jaimé, and now Rat Bastard. Looks like all my roommates are moving out.

Abbi:Yo, you know what? It's pretty badass to be banned from every Anthropologie in the country. Like, not many people can say that.

Ilana:Like, obviously in addition to my Phone Wigs hustle.

Ilana:Ooh, my mom is gonna flip out.

Ilana:Oh, my God. We might have to stop our sessions because I can't be in love with my favorite patient.

Ilana:Yeah. And the shoulders. The shoulders just go... [physical gesture/movement] / There it is. There it is!