Bitcoin Amp The Missing Girl

Bra Fitter:Bra fitter's opening monologue: 'A bra that fits is the single greatest gift that one woman can give another. And if I see either of you two girls wearing one of those napkins by Victoria's Secrets, I will personally come and murder you.'

Ilana:Ilana introduces Abbi to the bra fitter: 'Look what I brought you... fresh virgin breast meat.'

Abbi · Bra Fitter:Abbi asserts she's a 32C; the bra fitter dismisses her: 'You have no idea what you are!'

Bra Fitter · Ilana's Mother:The fitter observes Ilana's breast: 'Same inverted nipple on the right breast?' — and Ilana's mother confirms it like a proud parent: 'Of course! She's my little girl.'

Bra Fitter · Abbi:'Bring out the measuring rod!' — followed by Abbi's hesitant 'Okay!'

Bra Fitter:The fitter casually drops: 'You have a lump. It is benign.'

Bra Fitter:The fitter explains she has to sew two bras together 'because your breasts are very different sizes' — followed by: 'Almost as if they were unrelated, hm?'

Bra Fitter · Ilana:The fitter announces Abbi's size: '28KKK' — and Ilana immediately says, 'Just call it an L.'

Abbi:Abbi asks: 'Did you insert a back brace without telling me?' after putting on the new bra.

Abbi · Ilana:The two bras cost $533. Abbi says 'Holy... expensive' (self-censored), Ilana follows with an unbleeped '(BLEEP) you.'

Abbi · Roommate/Ilana:Abbi snores like a demon. Her roommate filmed it. Abbi denies it, sees the video: 'I sound ill.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi has been waiting for a lightbulb to actually die before replacing it with an energy-efficient one, because throwing out a working bulb 'would be so wasteful.' Her companion calls her 'my eco-warrior princess' and lists her green credentials as: 'energy-efficient bulbs, not showering.'

Ilana:Ilana finds a Fruit by the Foot wrapper in the ceiling lamp and delivers an elaborate backstory: she hooked up with a 'hot, very old dot-com douche named Brad,' gave him a Waka Flocka Flame ticket, he paid her back in Bitcoin, and the wrapper is the key to her crypto fortune.

Ilana:Ilana triumphantly announces the password on the wrapper: 'Brad has it.' — then slowly realizes: 'No. Brad has the... Brad has the password. Shit.'

Ilana:Ilana explains that the Bitcoin money is 'not for loans or debt, not rent nor weed or healthcare or any other stupid thing' — listing weed and healthcare as equivalently trivial.

Ilana · Abbi:Phone Wigs reveal — Abbi is wearing what turns out to be a phone case with hair on it.

Ilana:Ilana: 'Are you in that dank dungeon that they literally illegally claim to be a laundry room?' and then: 'We're businesswomen, Abb. Time is money.'

Abbi:Abbi drops off her laundry and announces to the attendant: 'I'm gonna use that time to enrich my life.'

Laundromat Attendant · Abbi:Laundromat attendant mishears 'Abbi' as 'Ibbi' and says: 'I like that less.'

Ilana:Ilana to the Bitcoin broker: 'So, they call it cryptocurrency 'cause it's so damn cryptic. Nobody really gets it.' — delivered as confident expertise.

Ilana · Bitcoin Broker:The Bitcoin broker steps away to give Ilana privacy; Ilana asks him to stay: 'I feel like we have a good vibe.'

Ilana:'It's like all my favorite memories in one place. Ugh, Dongs.'

Ilana:Ilana's strategy for finding Brad's number: 'His dick pic is on one of these. So if I find the dick, I find his number.'

Ilana · Bitcoin Broker:Ilana immediately finds the relevant dick pic and offers: 'Do you want to see his dick?' The Bitcoin broker flatly declines. She then offers to show him her Phone Wigs instead. He also declines.

Abbi:Abbi returns to the laundromat mid-hour to check on her laundry and explains: 'I'm getting a lot done. A lot of work stuff, you know. I'm really productive.'

Abbi:Abbi enthusiastically checks whether 'the hoodie string stayed in the hole' — identifying it as 'the trickiest part' of laundry.

Laundromat Attendant:The laundromat lost Abbi's sweatshirt. Policy explanation: 'We throw all the clothes for the day in a bucket with everyone else's stuff and then we sort them out by memory.'

Laundromat Attendant:Laundromat claims 'patient/client privilege' to refuse showing Abbi the client list.

Abbi · Stranger:Abbi, frantically searching for her sweatshirt on the street, approaches a man and accidentally elbows him. She apologizes: 'I lost my virginity in it. You get it.' The man: 'In it?'

Abbi:Abbi, alone on the street, says to herself: 'My sweatshirt.'

Shopkeeper:The shopkeeper responds to Ilana's 'I am the future' speech by saying 'I've been waiting for this since 1999' — and asks her to spin.

Abbi:Abbi distributing 'Missing Sweatshirt' fliers — a montage of her approaching strangers with the same energy as a missing-person search.

News Anchor · Ilana:News anchor says to Ilana on camera: 'Ilana Wexler, you haven't changed a bit.'

News Anchor · Charlotte Tennaboro:Breaking news segment: 'another missing white woman.' The broadcast immediately pivots to breathless crisis coverage with anchor Charlotte Tennaboro.

News Reporter · Abbi:The news reveals the missing woman is the 'fifth employee of Soulstice Gym to go missing in the last four years' — and police have re-opened those cases. Abbi, watching: 'Shit.'

Abbi:Abbi watching the news and realizing she is 'the missing white woman' — the flier she made for her sweatshirt was mistaken for a missing person flier

Soulstice Colleague:Soulstice Gym has renamed a bathroom 'Abbi's Room' and retired her plunger in her memory.

News Reporter · Abbi:News tribute describes Abbi as 'a sweet, artistic cleaner with a heart of gold.' Abbi: 'I was a trainer when I left. This is unbelievable.'

Soulstice Colleague · Abbi:Soulstice colleague on the news: 'She was my best friend. She was my lover! We were dating.' — Abbi: 'What?!'

Abbi · Reporter Inez:Abbi calls the news station to clarify she's not missing. The reporter: 'Is she dead? Did you find her body? How many pieces?'

Abbi · Inez:Abbi tells Inez she's the missing girl and is fine. Inez: 'Are you speaking in code right now? Laugh if you're really okay.'

Inez · News Team:After Abbi confirms she's fine, the news team immediately pivots: 'We need another missing-girl story pronto.'

Abbi · Inez:Abbi explains the layout issue to Inez: 'I made the flier for a missing sweatshirt from art school, and then now I see that it seems as though I was the missing one.' Inez: 'Huh, a layout issue. So I'm guessing you didn't finish art school.'

Ilana:Ilana in her 'Bitcoin look' — patent leather outfit — pitches Phone Wigs to Brad: 'This Bitcoin look is patent leather for my impending patent. I am Bitcoin, baby, yas.'

Ilana:Ilana presents the Phone Wig line to Brad: 'We've got the Ross. We've got the Rachel. Going over here to the Lincoln. Aww. Classic Abbi. Aww. Little Jaimé. This time I shit myself... don't ask... and Bernadette Peters, bitch.'

Brad · Ilana:Brad, confused: 'T-These are phone cases?' Ilana: 'Brad, I'm sorry. I can't go any slower.'

Ilana:'Wiz-ness. My wiz-ness. Wiz-ness!' — Ilana's repeated mantra as a running joke.

Abbi · Laundromat Attendant:The sweatshirt is returned to the laundromat — someone saw it on the news. Abbi's reaction: 'Thank you so much.' Then immediately: 'No, I'm kidding. Prank! I've been telling everyone to boycott this place.' The attendant: 'You did what?' Abbi: 'No, I'm kidding. Prank! Please don't come back here. You're a bad person.'

Laundry Worker:Laundry worker: 'Please don't come back here. You're a bad person.'

Abbi · RISD Man:Abbi tries to give the sweatshirt back to the man she took it from on the street. He refuses: 'I went to RISD. It's too hot out here. I can't wear synthetics.'

Abbi · Stranger:Abbi offers her recovered sweatshirt to the stranger she elbowed; he went to RISD and can't wear synthetics

Brad · Ilana:Brad finally processes Ilana's backstory aloud: 'Okay, you found your Bitcoin number on an old Fruit by the Foot... that you remember that I gave you for a Waka Flocka Flame ticket... and you want to cash out that money today to get a patent for these Phone Wigs.' Ilana: 'Chugots! Finally. It took long enough, my Brad.'

Brad · Ilana:Brad recaps Ilana's entire story back to her: 'Okay, you found your Bitcoin number on an old Fruit by the Foot...' — and Ilana responds 'Chugots! Finally. It took long enough, my Brad.'

Ilana · Brad:Ilana receives $8,265 and celebrates ecstatically. Brad: 'Come on. Grow up. What are you, 26 now?' Ilana: 'I'm 27.' Then: 'And what are you, like, a hot, ripped, uncut 50-year-old?' Brad: '47.' Ilana: 'Okay, fine.'

Ilana · Brad:Ilana: 'What are you, like, a hot, ripped, uncut 50-year-old?' / Brad: '47.' / Ilana: 'Okay, fine.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I just mean that we had sex when I was 21. That's gross. You grow up, maybe.'

Brad · Ilana:Brad mentions he's now in an 'age-appropriate relationship' with someone named Marie and thinks Ilana would like her. Ilana: 'Okay, that's cool. You're cool. You're good.'

Protesters · Ilana:Ilana exits into a Bitcoin protest: 'No more Bitcoin! Bitcoin is killing the Earth!'

Protester:Protester explains Bitcoin: 'It has to be mined by thousands of computers 24/7... it's the pedophile's currency of choice. Fueling the child-sex-trade industry and dominating the illegal-arms world.'

Protester · Ilana:Protester: 'Well, you can thank Bitcoin for that, 'cause it's contributing to climate change, so you're feeling the effects.' Ilana: 'Bitcoin is killing the Earth!'

Ilana · Protester:Ilana asks: 'Is it hot... hot out to you?' Protester: 'Well, you can thank Bitcoin for that, 'cause it's contributing to climate change.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi's rapid-fire guilt spiral: 'What about eating meat? The fashion industry burns remainder clothes at the end of every season. It's all made by little children. Recycling's a hoax.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's spiraling environmental guilt: meat industry, fashion burning clothes, recycling hoax, 'Garbage Island is real'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You really scrubbing out my udon containers and peeling the labels off and melting the plastic down to re-form them into new udon containers?'

Ilana:'Mother Earth is like, "Noooo! Noo!" And we're like, "No, bitch, die, bitch!"'

Ilana · Abbi:'Why is the news not covering this 24/7?' Abbi: 'Don't even get me started on the news.' Then Abbi refers to 'some stupid but really understandable layout issues on fliers. Like, what?'

Abbi:'We are being listened to all the time. Anything that we do on social media for free, we pay for through our experience. We are just data.'

Ilana:'Whew, I feel so much better. Thank you so much.'

Ilana:Ilana notes the Phone Wig symbol is 'an ancient Jewish symbol... a Jewish thing. It's like a mystical, tribal Jewish...' then stops herself: 'Hold on. Just say the thing.' Then she delivers her sincere commitment speech.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's sincere commitment speech ends with: 'I'm gonna be investing in a woman-owned wiz-ness, and that's gonna tip the scales of progress. And it uses biodegradable materials.' Abbi: 'Human hair!' Ilana: 'Ugh, I love that.'

Ilana · Abbi:Phone Wigs are biodegradable — 'Human hair!' — celebrated as an environmental win

Ilana · Abbi:Final gag: Ilana's patent leather outfit has adhered to her skin. The solution: lubricant. 'We could try again with almond oil.' Ilana: 'Feh.'