The Statue

Jerry:They say 'you may have already won.' That's the cruelest thing they can say. You may have already won. No, you haven't. But you may have. So for the next three weeks, you're going to check the mail like an idiot.

Jerry:What if they were honest? 'You have not won. You will not win. Stop reading this, you're wasting your time.'

Jerry:'Dear Jerry, you are a big loser. You know that, right? Your parents know it. Your friends know it. Now you know it too. Enclosed is a picture of the guy who won. Look at him. He's better than you in every way.'

Jerry:You don't have to get up.

George:I'm not getting up. I've got a crick in my neck.

Jerry:Not cleaning is anathema to them.

George:Anathema? Did you just wait around all day to use that word?

Jerry:Breaking the statue was traumatic, but you know what was worse? Seeing my father naked.

Jerry:Look, we're all adults here. Let's settle this like mature people.

George:You're right. How about a game of potato man?

Kramer:Inka-dink!

Jerry:We'll settle this with inka-dink-a-dink-a-dink.

Kramer:Wait, is it inka-dink or eeny-meeny?

George:No no no, it's inka-dink-a-dink-a-dink. Everyone knows that.

Jerry:How many dinks?

George:Four dinks! It's always been four dinks!

Kramer:I thought you pointed at people.

George:You do point! You point and you dink!

Jerry:So who's out?

George:I am! But that's not how you play it! It is good! It IS GOOD!

Jerry:I can't believe I won a children's game as an adult.

Kramer:You owe me for the inka-dink game. You're it.

Jerry:What do you mean I'm it? What's 'it'?

Kramer:It's very bad.

Jerry:How bad can 'it' be?

Elaine:Where is he? He's so late. He must be dead. Yeah, that's it. He's dead. Because that's the only explanation for being late in New York — you have to be dead. If you're not dead, you're just inconsiderate.

Ray:Hark! I have journeyed through treacherous lands and perilous thoroughfares to reach thy humble abode. The very cosmos did conspire against my timely arrival, yet here I stand, besmirched and weary, ready to vanquish the dust bunnies that doth plague thy domicile.

Ray:I'm gonna clean this place up real nice for you. I'm gonna make it shine like a new penny. You're gonna walk in here and think you're in a palace.

Jerry:Yeah, that's great. Just don't move the toilet brush.

Jerry:You feel guilty when the maid comes to your apartment. You're like, 'I'm sorry about this mess.' What are you apologizing for? That's her job! You're apologizing for giving her work to do. It's like apologizing to a fireman for your house being on fire. 'I'm so sorry about this blaze.'

Jerry:I'd be the worst maid. I'd show up and be like, 'Oh, your apartment is dirty? How fascinating. I'll just be here doing my job while you sit around.' Then I'd passive-aggressively reorganize everything just slightly wrong so you'd notice but couldn't quite put your finger on what was bothering you.

Jerry:And look at this - completely uncoagulated!

Jerry:He cleaned the bottoms of the egg cups.

Jerry:So what's the deal with Plastic Man? I mean, the guy can stretch his entire body. How does that even work?

George:He's not real, Jerry.

Jerry:I know he's not real, but if he were real, how would it work?

George:If he were real? Jerry, he can stretch his body into any shape. That's the whole point. It's not supposed to make sense.

Ray:I even Windexed the peephole.

Jerry:You know, Ray, the way you talk... it's like you're auditioning for a Chekhov play that nobody wants to see.

Ray:I merely endeavor to articulate my thoughts with a modicum of eloquence and sophistication.

Jerry:Ray, have you considered talking to someone? Because listening to you makes me want to.

Kramer:My mother, she's very worried about me.

Ray:Yeah, well my mother abandoned me when I was three days old. I've spent the last forty-seven years wondering what I did wrong. Sometimes I wish she'd come back just so I could reject her first.

Kramer:So how's the weather down in Florida?

Jerry:I'm not going to dinner with Ray. The man eats like a Komodo dragon.

Jerry:Wait, so Ray stole the statue? Of all the things in my apartment, he took that? That's the least valuable thing I own!

Jerry:Ray, hi, it's Jerry. I'm calling about that statue you were gonna get me.

Ray:Jerry, I can't talk right now. WHAT?! No, I'm not yelling at you!

Jerry:You stole my bread maker!

Ray:What a mind you have, Jerry. What a mind.

Jerry:What a mind? What a mind?! You took it!

Ray:She's a good person. She would never do anything to hurt anyone.

Jerry:Well, Finland's neutral.

George:You're a wuss.

Ray:I said 'luss' — as in, I'm at a loss.

Ray:I got it at a pawnshop in Singapore.

Jerry:Singapore?

Ray:Yeah, I was there on business. I saw it in the window, I went in, I bought it.

Jerry:Just like that?

Ray:Well, I had to negotiate. The guy wanted two hundred dollars. I got him down to one fifty.

Jerry:You negotiated in Singapore?

Ray:I had Photostats of my credit report. Showed him I was good for it.

Jerry:You brought Photostats of your credit report to Singapore?

Ray:You never know when you're going to need them.

George:That's it! I'm judge and jury here, and I find you GUILTY of the most boring story ever told in the history of human civilization!

Ray:But George, I wasn't even finished—

George:GUILTY! Case closed. You're sentenced to never speak again.

George:Wait a minute. You told me you went to school in Connecticut.

Ray:I did go to school in Connecticut.

George:But then Susan said she saw you at Columbia.

Ray:I went to Columbia for graduate school. I went to UConn for undergraduate.

George:Oh. OH! So 'Ray' is just an alias!

Jerry:You know what I really admire? People who keep their apartments clean. I mean, really clean. That takes discipline.

Ray:'Sweet elixir, its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.' — Ray on the tea he just poured

Elaine:Oh please, we barely even dated.

Jerry:So this is what you call a coincidence?

Elaine:Yes! The statue shows up, you see the statue, it's a coincidence.

Jerry:No, no, no. A coincidence is when two unrelated events occur at the same time by chance.

Elaine:That's exactly what happened!

Jerry:But you knew the statue was there. You weren't surprised.

Elaine:I was completely surprised!

Jerry:You can't be surprised and have it be a coincidence. Those are mutually exclusive.

Elaine:You know what? You're impossible.

Ray:'In Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.'

Estelle:A statue? You're giving me a statue?

Jerry:You said you wanted a statue!

Estelle:I said I wanted a nice figurine, not a giant statue in the yard!

Jerry:This is a nice statue, Ma. It's quality craftsmanship.

Estelle:Quality? It looks like it's melting!

Jerry:Okay, well... this time I'll get you something else.

Elaine:I went from editing Penguin Classics to proofreading allergy cookbooks. Do you know what the worst part is? I had to fact-check a recipe that called for 'a pinch of salt.' A pinch! I had to verify the exact measurement of a pinch.

Elaine:He thinks Ray is hilarious. He laughs at everything Ray says.

Elaine:But he doesn't think you're funny.

Kramer:Ray's gonna have to face justice in the afterlife.

Jerry:His parents would be punishment enough.

Kramer:Alright, listen up. I'm gonna need you to come with me down to the station.

Kramer:We got reports of a stolen statue. Grand larceny. And now you're looking at obstruction of justice.

Kramer:We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You're also looking at resisting arrest, assaulting an officer...

Kramer:That's right, I got you for loitering, jaywalking, and failure to yield. You're in a lot of trouble, pal.

Kramer:You know, I'm a cop. I've been on the force for twelve years. I've seen things that would make your head spin.

Kramer:I've got a .38 Special, a detective's shield, and a drinking problem. It's a dangerous combination.

Kramer:I've been undercover so long, I don't even know who I am anymore.

Jerry:What did you do to get the statue back?

Kramer:I persuaded him.

Jerry:You ever notice how people have these elaborate hiding spots for their valuables? I put my wallet in my sneaker. A sneaker! Like that's some kind of fortress of security. What am I thinking? A thief breaks into my apartment, he's gonna be like, 'Well, I got the TV, the stereo, the computer... but I can't get past the sneaker defense system. That's just too fortified.'

Jerry:So the security guy tells me, 'We have to check everyone's shoes.' I said, 'Why? What are you looking for?' He goes, 'Contraband.' I said, 'In shoes?' He says, 'You'd be surprised where people hide things.' I said, 'Yeah, but shoes? That's like the first place anyone would look. If I was a criminal, I'd be like, 'Where should I hide this?' 'How about... the shoes?' 'No! Too obvious!' It's the worst hiding place. It's like hiding something in a trophy case at the police station.

Ray:'I know Finland. They're neutral.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way? / No, actually, I find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times. / I find you so charming. You wuss.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'Did you call me a wuss? / What did you say? / I said luss. I'm at a luss.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'I'd love to take you to the pawnshop where I got it. / That's not necessary. / You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea. / And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.'

Ray · George:'Have him make a Photostat of the receipt...and send it over.' / 'That's it. That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar!'

George:'I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!'

Ray · George:'I've gotta get going. I have a class. / Oh, a class, huh? A class. At Columbia? / Let me tell you something. I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school, you liar!'

Ray · George:'That is because I am registered under my full legal name...Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.' / 'You mean alias.'

Ray · Jerry:'You are starting to make me angry. / Well...that was bound to happen.'

Ray:Ray's exit speech: 'I hope you think about what you've done here today. And if you wanna call and apologize...you know where to reach me.'

Jerry · Ray:'Hey, Ray. / Yes? / How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.'

Rava · Elaine:'No, we made love on the floor like two animals. / Ray is insatiable. / They all are. / Was Jerry? / I can't remember.'

Jerry · Elaine:The 'big coincidence' argument: 'Big coincidence. / Not a big coincidence. A coincidence. / No, that's a big coincidence. / That's what a coincidence is. / There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. / No. There are degrees of coincidences. / No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.'

Elaine · Rava:'Will you put that cigarette out? / Maybe I put it out on your face.'

Elaine · Rava:'Will you put that cigarette out, please?' / 'Maybe I put it out on your face.'

Rava:'It's just like Ray said. You and Jerry, you're jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us.'

Rava · Elaine:'It's just like Ray said. You and Jerry, you're jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us. / Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?'

Elaine:'Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?' — Elaine uses Jerry's exact line on Rava

Jerry:Jerry's phone call to his mother about the statue: 'It's just a statue. / How is it my fault? It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time. / Okay, fine. / I don't see why this should affect the potatoes. / Okay! Goodbye.'

George:'Okay, fine. I don't see why this should affect the potatoes.' / 'Okay! Goodbye.'

Jerry:'She doesn't react to disappointment very well. / Unlike me. / I'm not happy about this.'

George:'Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window.'

Jerry · George:'This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded. / Really? / Sure. Why not?'

Elaine:'Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent...I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.'

Elaine:'He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he doesn't think you're funny at all.'

Jerry:'I'm not happy about this.' [Jerry's repeated line]

Kramer · Jerry:'Perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice. / Yeah, he'll have my parents.'

Kramer · Ray:Kramer enters Ray's apartment dressed as a cop: 'Police. Open up!' / 'Freeze, mama!' / 'Shut up! Spread them. I said, spread them! You're in big trouble, son. Burglary, grand larceny...possession of stolen goods. / And murder! / Murder?' / 'Shut up! Keep them spread. You just make love to that wall, pervert.'

Ray · Kramer:'Hey. Hey, are you a cop? / Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop!'

Kramer:'And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning.'

Kramer:'All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?'

Jerry · George · Kramer:'Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero! / Yeah. / Kramer, what did you do? / Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Kramer:'Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Jerry · Kramer:'Kramer, I don't know how to thank you.' / 'Well, I'll think of something.'

Jerry:Jerry's closing stand-up on personal security at the beach: 'You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?'

Jerry:'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' / 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'

Jerry:'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' / 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'