The Phone Message

Jerry:Television makes everyone else look better than you. You're sitting on your couch, you look like a bum. Meanwhile, these people on TV, they're all dressed up. I was lying on my couch the other day with a Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned, eating Cheetos, and I thought, 'I look terrible.' Then I got up and looked in the mirror. I was worse. But on TV, they're all dressed to kill. Here I am, I'm sliding off the sofa with crumbs all over me.

Jerry:You see these soda commercials? Everyone's so excited. 'Oh boy, a soda!' They're jumping around, they're screaming, they're hugging each other. It's a can of soda. It's not a cure for a disease. It's not a winning lottery ticket. It's a can of soda.

Jerry:You ever notice how in soda commercials, people are always having the time of their lives? They're at the beach, they're laughing, they're jumping around. And then you drink the soda and... nothing happens. You're just standing there with a soda.

Jerry:I think the problem is me. I'm not fun enough for soda. The soda's doing its job. I'm the one who's failing.

George:A woman smiles at you, what does that mean? She's interested? She's psychotic? I can't tell anymore!

George:I'm like Dan Quayle in that debate. I froze. I couldn't think of anything to say. My mind went completely blank.

George:Asking someone out is like breaking bricks. You gotta commit. You can't hesitate. If you hesitate, you break your hand.

George:I'm eating an apple. It sounds casual.

Jerry:You sound like a farm boy.

George:You know, I'm thinking about calling my mother back, but I don't know... her greeting just wasn't that enthusiastic.

George:I mean, if she can't muster up a little excitement to hear from her own son, why should I bother returning the call?

George:That's it. I'm basing all my major life decisions on greeting enthusiasm from now on.

George:It's like a bank robbery. You go in, you get what you need, and you get out.

Kramer:Why do I need to do laundry every week? I'm just gonna buy 360 pairs of underwear.

Kramer:Do the Scottish accent!

Jerry:There is no Scottish accent.

Kramer:What do you mean? Of course there's a Scottish accent!

Jerry:No, there isn't. It's all the same. 'Hello lassie, I'm Scottish.'

Woman:Would you like to come up for coffee?

George:No thanks, I'm not really in the mood for coffee right now.

George:I don't want any coffee.

Carol:What do you mean you don't want coffee? Everyone wants coffee.

George:Not me.

Carol:...

George:Well, I should get going.

Jerry's date:I can't go back to my place tonight. My roommate's having people over. But we could go back to your place.

Jerry:My place? There's no cake at my place.

Jerry's date:What are you talking about?

Jerry:You said we could go back to my place. I thought that meant there would be cake.

George:Why does everyone say 'see you later' when they have no intention of seeing you later? It's a lie! A blatant lie!

George:You're not going to see me later. You're going home, I'm going home. We're never going to see each other again!

George:So why do we say it? Why are we all lying to each other all the time?

Jerry:You know what I don't understand? Why do people always say 'I'm going to kill myself' when they're upset? It's like, what's the protocol here? Do you have to write a note?

Elaine:Of course you write a note. It's polite.

Jerry:Polite? To who? You're dead!

Elaine:To the person who finds you. They're going to be upset enough without having to guess why you did it.

Jerry:So you're concerned about the feelings of the person who discovers your corpse?

Elaine:Well, yes. Basic courtesy.

Elaine · Jerry:Values are important. / So important.

Jerry:I hate that commercial! I hate it! Those guys in their Dockers, just standing around like they're so cool. 'We're guys, we wear Dockers.' Nobody cares! You know what? I'm going to start a counter-campaign. 'Dockers: Because you've given up.'

Donna:I love it! It's so fresh!

Jerry:Fresh? It's been sitting in that bowl for three days!

Donna:So? It still tastes great!

Jerry:You're eating three-day-old potato salad? Three-day-old potato salad?!

Jerry:You see, what they're really selling here is the idea that if you wear these pants, you'll be part of this group of guys having these great times together. You'll be in the bull session.

Jerry:That's what it's all about. Not the pants themselves, but the camaraderie. The brotherhood. The masculine experience of just sitting around with other guys, talking about... whatever it is guys talk about in these situations.

Jerry:You know what? I think we're onto something here. This could be a show about nothing.

Donna:Nothing? What do you mean, nothing?

Jerry:No, no, no - a show about nothing. Just like real life. You know, we talk about things that don't mean anything. We observe little things in life and we just make fun of them.

Jerry:Why do they keep saying 'pants' over and over? Pants, pants, pants. What are they trying to tell us? That we need pants? We know we need pants. I'm wearing pants right now. Why is the pants company so insecure about pants?

Jerry:You know what happens when you're dating someone? You start noticing these tiny little things. Like, she chews her food weird. And suddenly that's the thing that's going to ruin your entire life together.

Jerry:I'm thinking, 'She's a nice person, but she can't chew properly. I can't spend the rest of my life listening to that.' So I break up with her.

Jerry:And then I realize, that's insane. Nobody's perfect. But it doesn't matter, because now all I can hear is the chewing.

Elaine:I mean, the germs in there, they're not just hanging out. They're like real estate developers. They come in, they see the potential, and they think, 'Oh, this is prime real estate.' They start building condos, they're putting up strip malls. By the time you flush, there's a whole civilization in there.

George:You know what I realized? The coffee thing. It's all about timing.

Jerry:Timing?

George:You drink coffee in the morning, you're awake. You drink it at night, you're up all night. It's a system.

Jerry:That's not a revelation, George. That's just how coffee works.

George:Exactly! And nobody thinks about it. We're all just slaves to the coffee timeline.

George:Only nuclear defense workers drink coffee late at night.

George:I'm out there Jerry, and I'm loving it. I'm dating, I'm meeting people, I'm having the time of my life.

Jerry:That's great, George.

George:You know what my secret is? I stopped trying to be nice. I just say whatever comes into my head.

Jerry:Really?

George:Yeah. I went up to this beautiful woman in the coffee shop and I said 'Hi, I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.' She said 'Get away from me.'

Jerry:So that didn't work.

George:No, then I tried being more authoritative. I said 'Listen to me, you're going to go out with me.' She called security.

Jerry:George, you can't talk to women like that.

George:I'm thinking of going even further. Next time I'm just going to walk up and say 'All hail George, supreme dictator of this coffee shop!'

Elaine:George, you can't just do the opposite of every instinct you have. That's not a dating strategy, that's a cry for help.

George:But it works! I approached that woman, said the first idiotic thing that came into my head, and she gave me her number.

Elaine:That's not psychology, George. That's just... you being you and accidentally stumbling into something that worked. You can't build a philosophy around stupidity.

George:Why not? It got me a date.

Elaine:Because eventually people figure out who you really are, and then you're just stuck with the same problems, except now she's disappointed too.

Kramer:You know, if you didn't eat so much fatty food and exercise once in a while, you wouldn't need the ambulance in the first place.

Kramer:What's the deal with that? You don't like my material?

Jerry:Kramer, it's not funny.

Kramer:Not funny? I've killed with that joke. You just don't have the delivery. You're not a funny guy, Jerry.

George:Hey, hey, hey! I need to make a private phone call. Out! Everybody out!

Jerry:What? We're in the middle of something.

George:I don't care. This is important. I need privacy. Now!

Kramer:What's going on?

George:Out, Kramer! And take Elaine with you!

Elaine:This is ridiculous.

George:Go, go, go! This is a private matter!

Jerry:George, we've been through this. You can't just keep asking people for apples. Remember what we decided? You have to buy them like a normal person.

George:But Jerry, they're free if you just ask!

Jerry:They're not free, George. You know what they are? They're stolen. You're stealing apples. And now you want to steal more apples.

George:Hi, this is George Costanza. You might remember me from such films as... uh... well, actually, you probably remember me as the guy who got my girlfriend's parents to buy a Barcalounger instead of taking my girlfriend to Europe.

George:So anyway, I'm sorry about the whole thing. I really am. And I hope we can just move past this and... and maybe grab coffee sometime? Or not coffee. Whatever you want. I'm flexible. Call me. Or don't call me. Either way is fine. But if you do call, call before 9 PM because after that I'm usually in bed. Unless there's something good on TV, then I might be up later. Anyway, the point is... serenity now.

George:I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.

George:You know, I'm obsessed with this answering machine message. I keep picturing people calling and hearing, 'Hi, you've reached George Costanza. I'm an idiot. Please leave a message.'

George:That's what they're thinking anyway. Why not just say it?

Jerry:I got it. I'll go to his apartment, switch out the tape in his machine with mine, and he'll never know the difference.

George:That's insane. You'll get caught.

Jerry:How? I'll be in and out in two minutes. What could go wrong?

Kramer:I'll create a diversion. I'll set off the smoke alarm in the hallway.

Elaine:This is the dumbest plan I've ever heard.

George:It might actually work.

Jerry:I don't know anything about these old shows. I've never seen I Love Lucy, I've never seen The Honeymooners, nothing. People get so mad at me about it. They're like, 'How can you not know about The Honeymooners?' I'm like, 'I don't know, I wasn't watching TV in 1955, I was busy being negative one years old.'

Jerry:I'm lactose intolerant.

Donna:Since when?

Jerry:Since I decided I was. I'm just not talking to lactose anymore. We're done. Lactose and I are through.

Kramer:Oh, you're the woman with the big salad!

Jerry:You know, you guys remind me of the people in Fahrenheit 451.

George:What's that?

Jerry:It's a book about people who don't think for themselves.

Kramer:Giddy up!

George:You know, we're living in a SOCIETY! We're supposed to act in a CORDIAL manner, one to the other. It's one of the founding principles of our country. Now, when you see litter around, you don't just say, 'Oh, that's somebody else's problem.' You take care of it! And another thing - I don't want to hear anymore about how people are too busy. We're all busy! But we still conduct ourselves like human beings!

George:And another thing - coffee! You know what coffee is? It's a beverage! A BEVERAGE! You don't assault it, you don't pummel it, you don't treat it like it owes you money! You take a nice, civilized sip, and you move on with your day. But no! People are out here destroying their coffee cups like they're in some kind of cage match. It's barbaric!

George:They're ignoring me. I know it. Everyone at work is ignoring me.

Jerry:George, why would they ignore you?

George:Because I'm a loser. I've always been a loser. My whole life, people have ignored me.

Jerry:That's not true.

George:It is true. And now everyone at work knows it. They all know I'm a loser.

Jerry:George, you're not a loser. Maybe they're just busy.

George:Busy? They're not busy, they're ignoring me. I can tell. They see me coming down the hall, they look away.

Jerry:Maybe they have something in their eye.

Jerry:You're a wuss.

George:I am not a wuss!

George:You know what your problem is? You need a signal word.

Jerry:A signal word?

George:Yeah, a word that means you're done talking. Like, you say the word and I know the conversation is over.

Jerry:What word?

George:I don't know... tippy-toe.

Jerry:Tippy-toe? What are you talking about?

George:You just say 'tippy-toe' and boom, conversation's over.

Jerry:I'm not going to say tippy-toe.

George:You know what we need? A signal. Like when someone's coming, we need a way to warn each other.

Jerry:What kind of signal?

George:I don't know, something subtle. Not like tippy-toeing around.

Jerry:How about we hum something? Like a song?

George:What song?

Jerry:How about 'My Favorite Things' from The Sound of Music?

George:That's perfect. If someone hears us humming that, they'll know to get out of the way.

Donna · George:You didn't have to tell your friends. No, I had to tell my friends. My friends didn't have to tell you.

George:Oh no, it's Carol!

George:I gotta get out of here.

George:I have to use the bathroom.

Jerry:What? You just went.

George:So? I can go again. What's the big deal?

Jerry:There is no big deal. I'm just saying you were in there twenty minutes ago.

George:Well, I have a very sensitive digestive system. You know this.

Jerry:I know you have a very sensitive digestive system, but I didn't know you had a bathroom phobia.

George:I don't have a bathroom phobia.

Jerry:Then why are you going to the bathroom every five minutes?

George:Because I'm nervous!

Jerry:I don't understand, I had to go to the bathroom like five minutes ago.

George:You know, I have read that in certain cases, the urge can just disappear. It's a medical thing.

Jerry:A medical thing?

George:Yeah, I'm pretty sure I read it.

George:She's coming, she's coming! What do I do? What do I do?

Jerry:Just act natural.

George:Natural? I don't know what natural is anymore. I'm sweating, my voice is cracking, I'm doing that thing with my hands where they don't know where to go.

George:Should I wave? Not wave? Smile? How much teeth? Full teeth or just a little teeth?

Jerry:Just be yourself.

George:Myself? That's the problem!

George:I need to talk to you about something very private and personal.

Carol:Of course, George. What is it?

George:Well, it's about my beet farming operation.

Carol:Your what?

George:My beet farm. I've been growing beets in secret, and I think I have root rot.

Carol:You have no messages.

George Costanza:She loved my angry rants as comedy.

Carol:They were hilarious!

Jerry:You know what I've always wanted to be? A human answering machine. That way, when someone calls, I could just say, 'Hi, you've reached Jerry. I'm not available right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you.' And then I just hang up on them.

Jerry:You know what I hate about cordless phones? You can't slam them down anymore. That was a great way to express anger. You'd slam the phone down and everyone knew you were mad. Now what do you do? You just press a button. 'I'm disconnecting you... now.' It's not the same. There's no satisfaction. You need that physical act of slamming to really convey your rage.

Jerry · Jerry:What if she sees me? — You are such a wuss.

George · Jerry:'Tippy-toe!' — I don't think so. — No tippy-toe?

George:Well, there is traffic. It might take her till 8:15.

George · Jerry:The signal is... I'll sing. — What song? — 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?' — What is that? — It's a lovely song.

George · Jerry:— 'Lemon Tree.' — Peter, Paul and Mary? — No. Trini Lopez.

George:To hell with this! I'm scared. Walk away. Cancel everything.

George · Carol:I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you. — That's so sweet.

George:I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets.

George · Carol:You know, it's the damnedest thing. — It went away. — Well, that's weird. — No, no, that can happen. I've read about that in medical journals.

George:Tippy-toe! Tippy-toe! Lemon tree!

Carol:Now I know who you are. You're a comedian. I've seen you. It's been driving me crazy.

Carol:That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?

George · Carol:Carol, that's so rude. — Please, I'm serious. — Okay. Just for a moment, if you wouldn't mind. And then we'll talk to Jerry.

George · Carol:Don't you find that strange? — Yes.

Carol:No. Nothing here. Let's go.

Carol:After I talked to you, my neighbour called, played my messages to me. Yours were hilarious. We were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that.

Jerry:I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. If I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go: 'Excuse me. I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away.'

Jerry:I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much. Because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone: 'You can't talk to me like that.' Bang. You know. Cordless phone: 'You can't talk to me like that.' [clicks off weakly]