The Jacket

Jerry:I mean, what is the deal with clothes? We buy them, we wear them, we throw them away. It's like we're just collecting little outfits for ourselves.

Jerry:You ever notice how in every sci-fi movie, they're all wearing the same outfit? The whole crew of the spaceship, they're all in these matching jumpsuits. You think that's what's gonna happen? We're all gonna dress the same in the future? No variety, no choice? I'm gonna be 80 years old, floating around in some intergalactic mall in a silver unitard.

Jerry:And the thing is, these costume designers, they're acting like they know something we don't. Like they've been to the future and took notes. 'Yeah, yeah, I checked it out. Everyone's wearing the same thing. Very efficient. No laundry decisions.'

Jerry:I'm telling you, in the future, everyone's gonna dress the same way. It'll be like a uniform. Comfortable pants, comfortable shirt...

George:What color?

Jerry:Grey. One shade of grey for everything. You wake up, you put on your grey outfit, you go to work in your grey outfit, you come home...

Kramer:No decisions.

Jerry:Exactly! No decisions. You don't have to think about what you're wearing. It's all decided for you.

Jerry:You know, if we're gonna treat clothes like a democratic election, we need to establish some ground rules. No speeches. Nobody gets up there and tells you why their outfit deserves your vote. No campaign promises, no debates about fabric quality.

Jerry:You just look at the clothes, you make a decision, you move on. That's it. Democracy in action.

Jerry:So I'm voting for the shirt. It's got my vote. I think it's qualified. I mean, look at the resume: it's cotton, it's got buttons, it keeps me warm. That's a platform I can get behind.

Salesperson:Let me check the back.

Jerry:There's always a back. What is back? How much back are we talking about here? I mean, when you go back, how far back do you go? And what's in the back? Is there a front? If there's a back, there's got to be a front. So where's the front?

Jerry:You know what? I'm going to open a store called 'Just Back.' That's it. Just back. No front, no sides. Just back.

Jerry:So you walk in the front door and you're immediately in the back? That's the whole store?

George:It's efficient!

Jerry:It's not a store, it's a closet with a lock on the outside.

Jerry:Your father is a very successful man. He's accomplished so much in his life.

Elaine:Yeah, well, he doesn't have any friends.

Elaine:I can't talk to my father. He's so intellectual, he makes me feel like an idiot.

Elaine:You know what? I prefer nitwits. At least with nitwits, I know where I stand.

Jerry:Oh, so I'm the nitwit?

Jerry:How much is it?

Elaine:Oh my God!

Jerry:So how much was this jacket?

Elaine:It wasn't expensive.

Jerry:Elaine...

Elaine:Okay, it was a little expensive.

Jerry:How much is a little?

Elaine:I don't know, a couple hundred dollars.

Jerry:A couple hundred?!

Elaine:Okay, maybe more than a couple hundred.

Jerry:Elaine!

Elaine:It was on sale! And besides, there's no Yankee Stadium anymore. They tore it down and the team relocated to New Jersey.

Jerry:So I'm looking at this price tag, and my practical side is like, 'Jerry, you don't need this. You have three of these already.' But then my impulsive side jumps in: 'Yeah, but this one is different. This one is better. You'll use this one all the time.'

Jerry:And practical Jerry says, 'You said that about the last one.' And impulsive Jerry's like, 'That was different! This time I mean it!'

Jerry:So now they're fighting it out in my head while I'm standing there in the store, and the salesman is staring at me like I'm insane. Which, apparently, I am. Because I'm leaving with the thing.

George:This jacket is incredible. You look like a completely different person. A better person.

Jerry:What do you mean? It's just a jacket.

George:No, no, no. You're like a new man. You're more you than you've ever been.

Jerry:More me? What does that even mean?

George:I don't know, but I believe it. You should never take this jacket off. Sleep in it. Shower in it.

Jerry:Now you're talking crazy.

George:Crazy? This jacket has unlocked your potential. You're like a superhero, except the superpower is being yourself, but better.

George:So how much did you pay for this jacket?

Jerry:I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

George:You don't know? It's got a price tag on it.

Jerry:Well, yeah, but I didn't look at it.

George:You didn't look at the price tag?

Jerry:No, I just... grabbed it and left.

George:Jerry, just tell me how much.

Jerry:It was... it was a lot, okay?

George:A lot? How much is a lot?

Jerry:More than I wanted to spend.

George:Just say the number!

Jerry:Can we please not do this right now?

George:Four hundred and thirty dollars?! For a jacket?!

George:I could buy a decent used car for that!

George:I can't get it out of my head. 'At the end of the day you're another day older, and that's all you can say for your life.'

Jerry:That's beautiful.

George:Beautiful? It's depressing! I'm at a job interview singing 'One Day More.' The guy thinks I'm insane.

Kramer:Maybe he likes Les Mis.

George:He's a urologist, Kramer! I'm doing 'Bring Him Home' in his office while he's got his hands in places hands shouldn't be!

Elaine:Just think of another song.

George:I tried! Now I'm singing them together. 'At the end of the day you're another day older... DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?' I'm losing it. This show is taking over my life!

Jerry:Schumann went insane, you know. The composer.

George:Schumann? I thought you said Shoemaker. I was gonna say, what's so crazy about making shoes?

Jerry:You're an idiot.

George:Hey! I'm not an idiot!

Jerry:So Schumann, he's in the mental institution, right? And he's going crazy. He's hearing voices, he's confused. So what does he do? He checks himself out. He leaves the institution.

George:Wait, he left? Where'd he go?

Jerry:He went to the Rhine River and he threw himself in.

George:Oh my God! He killed himself?

Jerry:Yeah.

George:Well, thanks a lot! That really helped! I feel so much better now!

George:It's like being backstage at a puppet show. You don't want to see how it works. You just want to enjoy the puppet.

Jerry:I'm telling you, this jacket has completely changed my life. I walk down the street, people are looking at me differently. Women are noticing me. I caught my reflection in a store window and I didn't even recognize myself.

Jerry:It's like I'm a different person. A better person. A person who can do things. Yesterday I asked for directions and the guy didn't even hesitate. He just told me. Just like that.

Jerry:And the thing is, it's just a jacket. It's fabric and thread. But somehow, wearing it, I feel like I could ask a woman out and she'd say yes. I could walk into a job interview and they'd hire me on the spot.

Kramer:Jerry, I gotta say something. And I mean this in the most non-threatening way possible, I in no way am trying to come on to you. I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I gotta tell you, you look fabulous in that jacket.

Jerry:Thanks, Kramer.

Kramer:A hundred dollars?

Jerry:Higher.

Kramer:Two hundred?

Jerry:Higher.

Kramer:Five hundred dollars?!

Jerry:Eight hundred.

Kramer:Eight hundred dollars?! For a jacket?!

Kramer:How much is it?

Jerry:It's a thousand dollars.

Kramer:A thousand dollars?! A thousand dollars?!

Kramer:A thousand dollars, a thousand dollars, a thousand dollars!

Kramer:Do me a solid.

Jerry:A solid? What is that, some kind of favor?

Kramer:Yeah, you know, a solid. You do me a favor, I do you a favor.

Jerry:I've never done a solid in my life.

Jerry:Two minutes? Kramer, when you say two minutes, you mean like... twenty minutes.

Kramer:No, no, it's two minutes.

Jerry:It's never two minutes. I've done the math. If you live to be eighty years old, you've actually only lived four years.

George:You know, it's funny. No matter how much you plan, no matter how organized you are, nobody wants to keep an appointment. Nobody. It's like the most universal truth about human nature. We all say we'll be somewhere, and then we don't want to go.

Jerry:So, uh, nice ice you got here.

Alton:You know what the problem with ice is? It takes up space in the glass. Melts into water. Waters down your drink. I'm working on eliminating the ice altogether.

George:Well, if she didn't show up late all the time, she wouldn't be late!

Alton:What do you know about the weather?

Jerry:Well, I... I consulted with my meteorologist.

Alton:Your meteorologist?

Jerry:Dr. Waldo. He's very good.

Alton:Weather forecasters are always wrong.

Jerry:You know, you're right about that.

Alton:Which one is the comedian?

Jerry:I am.

George:I'm just a regular person.

Alton:Well, I don't know about that. I mean, sure, I do some material, but I wouldn't call myself a 'funny guy.' I'm more of an observer, you know? I notice things. Like how people say they want honesty, but they really don't. They want you to tell them what they want to hear.

Alton:But you know what's not funny? War. You ever think about that? All those soldiers, just getting blown to pieces. Legs everywhere. Intestines hanging from trees. It's brutal, man. Really brutal.

Alton:Anyway, you want some coffee?

Jerry:It's a great book. Really. I couldn't put it down.

Alton:You really think so?

Jerry:Oh absolutely. I mean, except for the parts where you're, you know, trying too hard. And the dialogue is a little wooden. And some of the characters are real drivel.

Alton:The drivel parts?

Jerry:Yeah, but other than that, it's fantastic. The drivel parts really... they really bring it together.

George:I'm telling you, if this guy Alton starts getting wise with me, I'm doing the Three Stooges thing — I'm poking him in the eyes, and I'm out of there.

Jerry:You know what's intimidating about fathers? They have this attitude like they're people-manufacturers. Like, 'I can make my own people. I don't need to buy them retail.'

Jerry:So you're saying with these dolls, you can create whoever you want?

Frank:That's right. I'm not limited by reality anymore.

Jerry:You could make a doll of anyone?

Frank:Anyone! A president, a movie star, my boss... I could create an army of dolls!

Jerry:An army of dolls.

Frank:That's the ultimate power, Jerry. To create whoever you want, however you want them.

Jerry:My uncle? He's got a rare blood disorder. He needs a bone marrow transplant.

Alton:A bone marrow transplant? That's serious.

Jerry:Yeah, very serious. He's got about six months.

Alton:You know, the CIA probably rigged the whole thing anyway.

George:You know, it's all about the infrastructure. Infrastructure, infrastructure, infrastructure.

Alton:What are you talking about?

George:The infrastructure! It's the key to everything. You gotta think about infrastructure.

Elaine:So I'm sitting in Kramer's car, right? And it gets towed. While I'm in it!

Elaine:I'm being towed down the street, still sitting in the car!

Elaine:So why is Kramer taking so long with the doves?

Kramer:Well, each dove has very specific dietary requirements. This one only eats seeds that have been blessed by a rabbi. That one is a vegan. And this one... this one will only drink bottled water from a spring in Vermont.

Elaine:Kramer, they're doves. They eat birdseed.

Kramer:Not these doves.

Jerry:Kramer offers you a ride, you take the ride. That's how it works.

George:It's like accepting a ride from the Trojan Horse.

George:I can't eat spicy food. It doesn't agree with me.

Alton:What are you, a woman?

Jerry:I can't believe this. I just bought this jacket and now there's a storm coming.

George:So don't wear it in the storm.

Jerry:I'm not worried about wearing it. I'm worried about it just sitting in my apartment while the rain comes down outside.

George:The rain's not going to get into your apartment.

Jerry:What if there's a leak? What if a window cracks? What if the humidity gets to it?

George:You're insane.

Jerry:I spent three hundred dollars on this jacket!

George:So maybe you shouldn't have.

Alton:You look like a deranged fashion designer.

Alton:You're wearing your jacket inside out.

Jerry:So?

Alton:So? So you can't wear your jacket inside out!

Jerry:Why not? No one can tell.

Alton:I can tell! And if I can tell, other people can tell. You're going to get social rejection over this.

Jerry:From who?

Alton:From everyone! People are going to think you're a slob.

Elaine:So how was it?

Alton:Oh, it was great! I had a wonderful time.

Elaine:Really? Because from where I was standing, it looked like a complete disaster.

Elaine:My father, he doesn't hate you. He hates everyone equally.

Elaine:He liked you because you reminded him of his dead friend.

Jerry:His dead friend? What are you talking about?

Elaine:Yeah, some soldier he knew who died in the war.

Jerry:I remind him of a dead soldier?

Elaine:Wait, so Alton thinks George is a loser?

Jerry:That's what he said.

Elaine:Well, what if everyone thinks that? What if that's what people say about all of us?

Jerry:Now you're doing it.

Elaine:What am I doing?

Jerry:The paranoia spiral. One person doesn't like you, suddenly everyone hates you.

Elaine:Oh, too bad. A free cashmere jacket. What a tragedy.

Jerry:You ever notice how they sell leather jackets? They always say, 'This jacket will last you a lifetime.' A lifetime? What am I doing with a cow's skin for a lifetime? I'm not going to the same places a cow goes. A cow's outside in all kinds of weather. I'm going to the supermarket, to a coffee shop... I'm not prepared for what this jacket has been through.

Jerry:So now the cows are worried about their outfits? They're standing around in the pasture like, 'Does this hide make me look fat?'

Kramer:Well, you'd be concerned too if you knew what was happening.

Jerry:What are you talking about? They're cows. They don't think about fashion.

Kramer:That's where you're wrong, my friend. That cow in the back? She's been shopping at Barneys.

Jerry:So the cow is completely suede.

George:All suede. Head to hoof.

Jerry:What about cleaning it? That's a nightmare.

George:You can't machine wash a cow. It's a suede cow.

Kramer:Just use some suede cleaner, a little brush action.

Jerry:The cow's going insane! It's covered in suede, it rains once and it's ruined!