The Cigar Store Indian

Jerry:Fathers, they freeze their style. They pick one look and they ride it out to the end. One good year around 1987, that's it. They're done. 'This works, I'm going with this.' And that's what they wear for the rest of their lives.

Jerry:And what about the whole new old clothes thing? You go to the store and they're selling you jeans that are already ripped and faded. They're charging you full price for clothes that look like they've been through a war. My father would have a stroke. He'd be like, 'You paid for that? I got those pants for free when they fell apart!'

Jerry:You know, fathers are like fashion time capsules. You look at your father, and you can tell exactly what year he decided to stop trying. My dad, he's still wearing the same shirt from 1987. It's not even that he likes it, it's just that at some point he gave up on the concept of 'new.' He's like a museum exhibit. 'Here we have the American Male, circa 1987. Notice the short shorts, the black socks with sandals, the complete lack of self-awareness. Estimated value: nothing.'

Jerry:I hate undressing in fitting rooms. You're in this little room, fluorescent lights, three-way mirror showing you things you don't want to see. It's like a nightmare.

Jerry:You know what we need? Underwear-only stores. That's it. You go in, you're already dressed for it. 'Oh, I'm going to the underwear store.' You show up in your underwear, you fit right in. No undressing required.

Jerry:You could browse, try things on over your existing underwear. 'Yeah, these boxers really complement my boxers.'

Jerry:You can't just walk into a store in your underwear. You'd have to lie to the salespeople. 'Oh, I'm just getting some air.' Meanwhile you're standing there in your boxers.

Jerry:What's that smell?

Kramer:Dandruff.

Jerry:Dandruff? Since when is dandruff a smell?

Kramer:Since now.

Jerry:You know what I hate? When you're in someone's apartment and there's this weird combination of smells. Like old food, stale air, maybe a little mildew... and then they've got one of those little bowls of potpourri sitting on the coffee table. Potpourri! That's what kills me. It's the most elegant word for a pile of dead flowers and sticks. 'Oh, excuse me, what's that horrible smell?' 'Oh that's just my potpourri!' Like that makes it classy.

George:Oh my God! Oh my God! Those were my mother's good soaps! She's gonna kill me! She's gonna absolutely kill me!

Kramer:I'm not using the guest soap. I'm using it as a guest.

George:My parents can never know about this. If my mother finds out I used a guest soap, she'll kill me.

George:There could be microscopic evidence. A fiber, a hair... she'll trace it back to me.

George:Do you know what she'll say? 'George, why would you use the guest soap? That's not for guests, that's for show!'

George:A party? This is a party? I thought we were just... I don't know, standing around. If this is a party, I need to leave. I have nothing to contribute to a party. I'm not funny, I can't dance, and I don't know anyone here. This is a nightmare.

Jerry:What's the matter? You got a little coffee on your shirt? That's the end of the world?

George:It's not just coffee, Jerry. It's a stain. A visible stain.

Jerry:Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were preparing for a white-glove inspection. Should I be worried about my cuticles too?

Elaine:Yeah, I dated this guy once. Total vitamin guy.

Jerry:Vitamin guy?

Elaine:You know, always talking about his supplements, his minerals, his amino acids. Everything was about optimizing his body.

Jerry:So you broke up with him because he was too healthy?

Elaine:I broke up with him because that's all he ever talked about! I couldn't even enjoy a meal without him lecturing me about bioavailability.

George:A coffee table book about coffee tables? I don't think that's the answer.

George:My parents would take one look at that and know something was wrong. A coffee table book about coffee tables sitting on a coffee table? That's too perfect. That's suspicious.

Kramer:It's a coffee table book about coffee tables!

Jerry:What?

Kramer:You put it on the coffee table and you look at it while you're drinking your coffee.

George:What's the book about?

Kramer:Coffee tables! And there's a coffee table book about coffee tables on the cover of the coffee table book about coffee tables!

Kramer:A coffee table book about coffee tables?

George:Think about it. You're sitting at home, you see the coffee table book sitting on the coffee table.

Kramer:What do you need that for? You're already looking at the coffee table.

Kramer:It's a coffee table book about coffee tables!

Jerry:What do you need a book about coffee tables for?

Kramer:Well, you put it on the coffee table and it's a coffee table book. So you're looking at it, and the book itself is the coffee table, so you're like 'Hey, nice coffee table!' And then you look at it and it's a book about a coffee table.

Jerry:That's ridiculous.

Kramer:No, it's genius! I'm getting rich. We've already sold thousands. We're going to make a sequel: 'Coffee Table Books About Coffee Tables.'

Kramer:It's a coffee table book about coffee tables. You put it on your coffee table, and you look at it while you're drinking your coffee.

Kramer:You know, each subway platform has its own distinct smell. This one? It's a mixture of stale pretzels and disappointment.

Kramer:You see, most people don't know this, but there's a whole system to getting gyros fast. First, you gotta know the guy behind the counter. Second, you gotta know what you want before you order. And third, you gotta know the optimal time to go — not lunch rush, not dinner rush.

Kramer:I've studied this place for months. I know their meat rotation. I know when they get fresh pita. I know the guy who works Tuesdays makes them tighter than the guy who works Thursdays.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I could write a dissertation on this place.

Kramer:I'm not sharing my gyro with you.

Elaine:I didn't ask for your gyro.

Kramer:I know you didn't. But I'm telling you right now - you're not getting any.

Kramer:Here, use a highlighter. You gotta highlight your shows.

Elaine:Highlight them?

Kramer:Yeah, you go through, you highlight the shows you wanna watch. Then you don't miss anything.

Elaine:But then the magazine's all marked up.

Kramer:So? That's the whole point. You see it at a glance. You know exactly what you're watching.

George Costanza:You know, I couldn't help but notice you reading TV Guide on the subway.

Woman:Oh... thanks?

George Costanza:No, I mean, the way you hold it. Most people fold it in half, but you keep it fully extended. That's very... confident.

Kramer:I missed the train getting a gyro.

Jerry:A gyro? You missed the train for a gyro?

Kramer:It was a good gyro.

Elaine:So what are you doing here?

Kramer:Well, I figured I'd come by, see what you and Jerry are up to.

Jerry:Elaine and I aren't together.

Kramer:Oh, come on. I see the way you look at each other.

Elaine:Kramer, we're just friends.

Kramer:That's what they all say. But eventually, you'll realize what you have.

Jerry:I'm thinking about getting Elaine a gift.

Jerry:You know, something thoughtful. Something that says 'I care about you, but not in a weird way.'

Jerry:Because if you get the wrong gift, suddenly you're the guy who's interested. But if you get the right gift, you're just a good friend.

Jerry:It's like romantic strategy disguised as thoughtfulness. That's what it is.

Jerry:I'm thinking of buying this cigar store Indian as a gift.

George:A cigar store Indian? Are you out of your mind?

Jerry:What? It's a peace offering.

George:A peace offering? That's the most offensive peace offering in the history of peace offerings.

Kramer:You know what's amazing? Look at this TV Guide. There are four Lucy shows on today.

Jerry:So?

Kramer:So? So they're all different! You got 'I Love Lucy', 'The Lucy Show', 'Here's Lucy', and 'Life with Lucy'. It's like they're trying to cover all the bases.

Jerry:That's just reruns, Kramer.

Kramer:Reruns? This is a goldmine! I could watch Lucy all day long. Different Lucy, same Lucy, it doesn't matter!

Store clerk:This is handmade by artisans in a small village in Vermont.

Customer:It says 'Made in China' on the bottom.

Store clerk:Yes, well, the artisans are Chinese. Very small village. You've probably never heard of it.

Store clerk:You guys tourists?

Kramer:Tourists? No, we live here.

Store clerk:Oh. I thought you were cool guys.

Kramer:I'm gentrifying the neighborhood.

Jerry:Yes, well, I have a very refined palate. I only purchase items of the utmost aesthetic value.

Store Clerk:It's a snow globe.

Jerry:Precisely. A snow globe. Do you see how the snow cascades down in a gentle, almost meditative manner? The craftsmanship is extraordinary.

Elaine:I win. I'm out. That's it for me. I'm quitting while I'm ahead.

Jerry:What? I'm not doing anything. I'm just giving a gift.

Jerry:You know, it's not that complicated. You find out what someone likes, you get it for them, boom, you're a thoughtful person.

Jerry:It's really just a simple algorithm. Nothing calculated about it.

Jerry:"Please enjoy this gift card to our finest tobacconist. May your smoke signals reach far and wide. How, friend."

Elaine:Oh my God! Are you insane?!

Jerry:What? What's wrong with it?

Elaine:What's wrong with it? Jerry, you can't give someone that! It's completely inappropriate!

Jerry:Why? I thought it was nice.

Elaine:Nice?! It's... it's too personal! It's weird! It's the kind of thing that makes someone think you're a lunatic!

Jerry:Wait, Winona? Winona Ryder is Native American? I had no idea! What does that even mean? Like, she's from a reservation or something? I thought Winona was just a regular name, like Jennifer or... I don't know, Susan. Why didn't anyone tell me this? I feel like I've been living under a rock. Does she have a tribal affiliation? Can you even have a affiliation? Is it like being a member of a club? Do they have meetings?

Jerry · Frank Costanza:You don't see too many guys your age who keep baby pictures of themselves around. / I like it. / It's consistent with the rest of the house.

George:I can't open it. It's locked.

George:My father locked it. He doesn't trust me with liquor.

George:It's me. I was a cute baby.

George's date:Well, you were a very... unique-looking baby.

George:It's not that I live with my parents. It's a design choice. Very minimalist. Very... parental.

Jerry:I got my bowling ball back. You know, I haven't bowled in years. I used to be pretty good.

Jerry:I had this ball, this was my ball. It was a great ball. I could really throw it.

Jerry:I think I'm gonna go bowling tonight, see if I still got it.

Jerry:I'm telling you, it's all in the equipment. I get a good ball, I'm a great bowler. I get a bad ball, I stink.

Kramer:I want that cigar store Indian.

Jerry:You can't have it.

Kramer:Why not?

Jerry:Because it's not right. It's offensive.

Kramer:To who?

Jerry:To Native Americans. It's a stereotype.

Kramer:I don't care. I want it.

Jerry:Well, you can't have it. And if you try to take it, I'm calling the police.

Kramer:Fine. I'll get rid of it for you.

Jerry:How?

Kramer:I know a guy.

Jerry:What guy?

Kramer:A guy who moves things.

Jerry:Excuse me, do you know where the Chinese restaurant is?

Chinese Mailman:Oh, because I'm Chinese, I must know where the Chinese restaurant is? What, all Chinese people know each other? We all go to the same restaurant? Why don't you ask me about the laundry while you're at it!

Chinese Mailman:You think I'm Chinese just because I deliver mail? Well, I think you're American just because you're white and stupid.

Jerry:I'm not racist! I just made an assumption based on observable characteristics. That's not racism, that's statistics!

Jerry:You know, if anything, I'm the victim here. Now I have to walk around feeling guilty about something I didn't even say out loud.

Jerry:What's the difference? I'm Jewish, I can ask a Chinese man about Chinese food!

Frank Costanza:I need receipts for everything. Everything! You think I'm just gonna let these expenses disappear into thin air?

Frank Costanza:A newspaper? Fifty cents. I got the receipt. A cup of coffee? A dollar twenty-five. I got the receipt. You think the IRS doesn't care about a dollar twenty-five? They care!

Frank Costanza:I'm organized. I'm meticulous. Every single transaction, documented and filed. That's how you stay ahead of them.

Frank Costanza:I got a system. I got the magazines organized by year, then by month. Within each month, I got them sorted by day of the week.

Frank Costanza:See, if I wanna know what was on television on a Tuesday in March of 1987, I just come down here, I find March '87, I find Tuesday, and boom — there it is.

Frank Costanza:It's all color-coded. Red for sitcoms, blue for dramas, yellow for game shows.

Estelle Costanza:She took it?! She took my TV Guide?! Do you know how long I've been collecting these? Thirty-seven years! Thirty-seven years of perfect, unbroken collection, and she just takes one?!

Estelle Costanza:This is a violation! A violation of the highest order! My collection is ruined. RUINED!

Frank Costanza:Someone stole my TV Guide! The whole stack of them from the mailbox!

Frank Costanza:Do you know what this means? That's a collector's item now. That's from 1987!

Frank Costanza:I'm calling the police. I'm calling the FBI. This is grand larceny!

Frank Costanza:That TV Guide had the fall premiere schedule in it. You can't put a price on that kind of information.

Frank Costanza:A condom?! A condom on the bed?! What is this, a whore house? I'm sleeping here!

Frank Costanza:George, I'm warning you. You better not be doing anything with that girl in this house.

George Costanza:Dad, I'm an adult.

Frank Costanza:That doesn't matter. As long as you live under this roof, you follow my rules.

George Costanza:I'm 35 years old!

Frank Costanza:You want to have relations with a woman, you get married. You understand me?

George Costanza:Fine. Can I have permission?

Frank Costanza:No!

George:It's the only place we could go! My mother was in the living room, my father was in the kitchen. Where was I supposed to go? My bedroom? I still have my Star Wars sleeping bag on the bed!

Frank Costanza:He took her in the house?! My house?! I'm gonna have a heart attack and die right now!

Frank Costanza:Right now! Where's my pills?!

Frank Costanza:It's like Sodom and Gomorrah over here!

Frank Costanza:You know, we're living in a SOCIETY! We're supposed to act in a ORDERLY fashion!

Frank Costanza:You think it's funny to defy me? I'm sending you to bed without supper!

George Costanza:But Dad, I'm thirty-five years old!

Frank Costanza:And you'll stay thirty-five in your room! Now GO!

George:I'm an adult. I should be able to do what I want.

Frank:You're living under my roof!

George:I pay rent!

Frank:Ten dollars a week doesn't cut it!

George Costanza:I'm not a child! I'm a grown man!

Frank Costanza:You live in my house, you follow my rules.

George Costanza:This is ridiculous!

Frank Costanza:You don't like it, there's the door. You know where it is.

Jerry:I have the name down.

Winona:Where did you get these tickets?

Jerry:Oh, you know... I have this guy. He's very connected in the ticket world.

Winona:A scalper?

Jerry:I prefer to think of him as a 'ticket redistribution specialist.'

Elaine:So what's the problem? He's a weatherman.

Jerry:He's not a weatherman, he's a short man.

Elaine:Well, maybe he'll grow.

Jerry:I can never tell the difference between the Pillsbury Doughboy and that round comedian. You know, the one who does all the funny voices?

Kramer:It's a coffee table book about coffee tables.

Elaine:That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

Jerry:It's a coffee table book about coffee tables. And it has legs, so it's also a coffee table itself.

Frank Costanza:How am I supposed to know what I'm watching? I need the TV Guide! You think I just turn on the television and watch whatever comes on? I'm not some kind of animal!

Frank Costanza:Without the TV Guide, my whole life means nothing! My day has no structure, no purpose! I could be watching anything - a movie, a show, a test pattern!

Frank Costanza:This is how people lose their minds, you know. One day you don't have a TV Guide, and the next thing you know you're living in a cardboard box!

Frank Costanza:I got a gift for you. I was gonna wrap it, but I didn't have any paper, so I wrapped it in a TV Guide.

Frank Costanza:It's a TV Guide from 1947. Very rare.

Kramer · Frank Costanza:It's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide. — That's my TV Guide, ripped to shreds!

Winona:He's a regifter.

Jerry:A regifter?

Winona:Someone who takes a gift that has been given to them and then turns around and gives it as a new gift to someone else.

Jerry:I've never heard of that.

Winona:Well now you have.

Jerry:That's like an Indian giver!

Winona:...

Jerry:That's an Indian giver.

Winona:I'm not sure that's appropriate.

Kramer:So I got this idea for a book. It's about a guy, he's real short, lives in New York...

Mr. Lippman:That's gold, Jerry! Gold! This is the best idea I've heard all year!

Kramer:Really? Because Elaine said it was stupid.

Mr. Lippman:Elaine? What does she know? This is a bestseller!

Mr. Lippman:This is the best idea I've heard in years! A coffee table book about coffee tables! So that people can put it on their coffee table!

Elaine:That's the idea.

Mr. Lippman:Now, Elaine, I've been meaning to talk to you about your work lately. It's been a little... off. But this Kramer fellow, he's a genius!

Estelle Costanza:George? Working hard? That's a good one. My George couldn't work hard if his life depended on it. He's been the same lazy bum since he was a kid. You want him to work hard, you're talking to the wrong person.

Jerry:What's wrong?

Elaine:Oh, nothing. It's just that I had this idea at work today, and I mentioned it to my boss. He completely dismissed it. Said it was ridiculous.

Jerry:So?

Elaine:So? So now he's making it my assignment! The same idea he said was ridiculous, he's now telling me to do it.

Jerry:That's great though, isn't it?

Elaine:No! Because now if it fails, it's my fault. And if it succeeds, he'll take credit for it anyway.

TV Guide Fanatic:You know, I've been thinking about this TV Guide situation all day.

Elaine:What TV Guide situation?

TV Guide Fanatic:The one where I can't find my issue. It's the same thing happening over and over.

Elaine:That's just life on the subway.

TV Guide Fanatic:No, you don't understand. It's cyclical. It repeats.

Jerry:You know what I love? Getting the new TV Guide. There's that moment when it arrives, and you think, 'Oh, this is going to be great. There's going to be so much to watch this week.' You open it up, you're flipping through it with such optimism. 'Maybe tonight!' 'Or this!' You're circling things, making notes. You're planning your entire week around television.

Jerry:But then by Thursday, you're sitting there with the same TV Guide, and now it's just depressing. It's like a used car. You've already decided there's nothing on. You look at the same listings and they've somehow gotten worse. The paper's all bent, there's coffee stains on it. It's done. It's finished. You've exhausted all possibilities. You throw it away.

Jerry:And then you wait. You wait for next week's TV Guide. Because next week's TV Guide is going to be different. That's going to be the one.

Jerry:You know what I hate about TV Guide? When someone hands it to you, they always fold it back to the page they were reading. So you're holding this thing like an accordion. And then they say, 'Here, you can have it.' No I can't! I can't hold this thing!

Jerry:So you're telling me people are paying 95 cents a minute to find out crossword answers? That's like... you have money but you don't have the intelligence to match it.

George · Frank Costanza:Come on, Elaine. Let's go. / My coffee table!

Kramer:I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store without an Indian? It's unseemly.

Kramer:I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store without an Indian? It's unseemly.

Kramer · Mr. Lippman's Rep:Give you $500 for it? / Giddyup. / Could you help me bring it up to my office? I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing. / Pendant Publishing. Giddyup again.

Publishing executive · Kramer:Could you help me bring it up to my office? I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing. — Pendant Publishing. Giddyup again.

Mr. Lippman · Kramer · Elaine:About coffee tables? That's fantastic. / Who's your publisher? / I'm still shopping it around. / Yeah? You see? This is the kind of idea you should be coming in with.

Mr. Lippman · Elaine · Kramer:What the hell do you do around here all day anyway? / Well, I read manuscripts... / The Indian really completes the room. / Don't you think?

Mr. Lippman · Estelle Costanza · Kramer:I know this coffee table. It's George Costanza's. / It's mine. I'm his mother. / Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard. / George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us.

Elaine:I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee-table book.

Jerry:It is a good idea, Elaine.

Subway Man · Elaine:Next stop, Queensborough Plaza. / Do you want a gyro? / I don't think so. / Elaine! / Well, I guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. / He's not my boyfriend. / He's not? Interesting.

Kramer · Man on subway · Elaine:Elaine! — Well, I guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. — He's not my boyfriend. — He's not? — Interesting.

Jerry:I was always excited as a kid when that new TV Guide would come. When that front cover is nice and flat, it seems like there's good, fresh TV shows. Then as the week goes by, you start to hate the TV.

Jerry:You can always tell when that front cover is nice and flat, it seems like there's good, fresh TV shows. Then as the week goes by, you start to hate the TV.

Jerry:TV Guide's always thrown, never handed to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's the TV Guide?' 'There it is.'

Jerry:In the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number. Ninety-five cents a minute, they'll give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle. My question is if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across 95 cents?

Jerry:My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across 95 cents?