The Abstinence

Jerry:If we were in a plane crash and could only save one person, I'm saving Kramer.

George:What? Why would you save Kramer over me?

Jerry:Because Kramer would actually survive. You'd probably find a way to die on the way down.

George:I'm a very low-fat entry. High in protein. I have a lot of good nutrients.

George:I'm also very lean. I'm flavorful, but not too gamey.

George:And I'm a good source of iron.

Jerry:I'm not saying I'd do it, but if I had to, I'd be very selective. I mean, I'd only eat my friends if they were organic, free-range friends. No additives, no preservatives.

Jerry:And honestly, think about it - you know exactly where your food came from. That's farm-to-table at its most literal.

George:I'd eat you.

George:I'd try you. Why not? I'd go to a party, there'd be little pieces of you laid out on a platter.

George:I'd be like, 'Oh, hey, what is this? Oh, it's Jerry! Mmm, that's pretty good!'

Woman:I can't have sex.

George:Why? Is it me?

George:Mono? She has mono? How long is she gonna be sick?

George:A month? A month and a half? Two months?

George:Because I was thinking about breaking up with her anyway, and if she's sick for two months, I don't have to break up with her now. I can just wait it out.

George:It's perfect! She'll get better, she'll realize I wasn't there for her during her time of need, and she'll break up with me. I'm home free!

George:Six weeks? That's nothing. I'm like a camel. I can go months without sex.

Jerry:A camel?

George:Yeah, a camel stores water. I store... well, you know.

Elaine:So dating a doctor is debunked.

Jerry:Debunked? What does that even mean?

Elaine:It means it's a myth. It's been debunked.

Jerry:So there's a bunk, and then there's a de-bunk?

Elaine:Yes!

Jerry:What if you want to re-bunk it? Can you do that?

Elaine:No, once it's debunked, it stays debunked.

Jerry:That seems like a raw deal for the bunk.

Katie:Dayton Civic Centre is in Ohio.

Jerry:Oh, is it? Well, thank you for that geographical update. I had no idea Ohio contained cities.

Jerry:Oh, your contribution was integral to the whole thing.

Jerry:Wait, he went long? The lizard guy went long?

Jerry:I'm supposed to do fifteen minutes on comedy, and I get bumped for a lizard?

Jerry:A lizard! What is he gonna tell them? 'Hey kids, this is a lizard. It's cold-blooded. Any questions?' That's it!

Jerry:I prepare material. I work on my delivery. And I lose out to a guy with a reptile.

Ben:I'm not really a doctor.

Elaine:What?

Ben:I'm not a doctor. I just play one on TV.

Elaine:You're not a doctor?

Elaine:Well, that changes things.

George:You got bumped? From what, a game show?

Jerry:A dating show.

George:A dating show? How do you get bumped from a dating show?

Jerry:They said I didn't have enough chemistry with the host.

George:You couldn't even fake it for five minutes?

Jerry:Why would junior high mess with my head?

Kramer:They're all in on it, Jerry. The corporations. They're watching us.

Jerry:Well, Kramer bothers people whether he smokes or not. The smoking is just giving him a tool.

Jerry:You know what? I don't think fire safety is that important. I mean, how often do fires actually happen? And if there is a fire, just leave the building. That's it. That's the whole plan. 'There's a fire? Leave.' We don't need a 20-minute presentation about it.

Katie:You know, once you get bumped, it starts a chain reaction. First it's a small bump, then it's a bigger bump, and before you know it, you're getting bumped right off the show.

Jerry:So what are you saying?

Katie:I'm saying that's how it happened to me. I did Career Day at my kid's school, got bumped. Next thing I know, I'm getting rejected from Letterman.

George:I remember! I was nine years old, I was living in Kew Gardens, Queens. I was playing stickball in the street with my friend Roger. A woman walked by, she was wearing this deep red dress. And I looked at Roger, and I said, 'Roger, did you see the way that woman's hair was swaying back and forth?' That was the first time I ever truly appreciated the beauty of the female form.

Kramer:These people, they're not bad people. They're just people who smoke.

Jerry:Are they though?

Kramer:They're like ashbins now. Nobody wants to be around them.

Jerry:Why wouldn't they just accept it?

Elaine:So when you're in medical school, do you get to choose which cadaver you work with?

Ben:No, they just assign you one.

Elaine:That's too bad. I'd want to choose.

Ben:Why? What's the difference?

Elaine:Well, I wouldn't want to get stuck with some guy I didn't like.

Ben:They're dead, Elaine.

Elaine:I know, but still. I'd want someone I had a rapport with.

Sue Ellen:This is my boyfriend, he's a periodontist.

Sue Ellen:He treats Marlon Brando's gums.

Elaine:He needs air! Loosen his collar!

Ben:Loosen his collar.

Elaine:Get some water!

Ben:Get some water.

Elaine:Call an ambulance!

Ben:Call an ambulance.

Sue Ellen:Is he really a doctor?

Elaine:Well, I call him doctor.

Jerry:A smokers' lounge? What are you talking about?

Kramer:Yeah, a place where people can go to smoke. They get a little antsy, you know, they start sweating, their hands shake a little bit...

Jerry:Kramer, that's addiction.

Kramer:So what? It's a lounge!

Jerry:I got chosen for a junior high assembly? Over Rick James?

Katie:Yeah, they said Rick James had a scheduling conflict.

Jerry:Rick James has a scheduling conflict with a junior high assembly? What, he's busy that day doing something important? He's Rick James!

Katie:Well, you're Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry:I'm Jerry Seinfeld at a junior high. Rick James wouldn't even show up to a junior high. He'd send someone.

Ben:I'll never pass my medical exam.

Elaine:Have you tried sexual abstinence?

George:Hi, I'm George Steinbrenner's assistant. I know baseball inside and out.

Yankees Player:Oh yeah? Aren't you the guy who got kicked out of the Plaza Hotel for... you know?

George:That was a misunderstanding!

George:You won the World Series? That's great. But you didn't sweep them?

George:You let them win a game? What kind of champion does that?

Jerry:I've been doing this job for two years and I just realized... I only killed nine minutes of a two-hour slot.

Jerry:The kids are gonna be so disappointed when they see you.

George:Why? What's wrong with me?

Jerry:Nothing, nothing. It's just... they're expecting an astronaut.

Waitress:You have a Portuguese accent.

George:I do? I don't have a Portuguese accent.

Waitress:Yes, you do. You're Portuguese.

George:I'm not Portuguese. I'm... I have a cleaning lady who's Portuguese. I think I picked it up from her.

Elaine:Wait, so you're saying that not having sex makes you smarter?

George:That's right.

Elaine:Well, I haven't had sex in a long time.

George:So?

Elaine:So I should be getting smarter, but I'm not!

Elaine:I mean, I'm not getting dumber... well, actually, I guess I am getting dumber.

Jerry:Women don't need sex like men do. I mean, women can go weeks, months without sex. It's like garbage collection — they don't care about it until it piles up.

Jerry:It's like a garbage strike. Her intelligence is piling up, nobody's picking it up, and it's starting to smell.

Jerry:Your face looks like a catcher's mitt.

Kramer:What?

Jerry:All those lines, all that wear and tear. You look like you've been out in the sun for thirty years.

Jerry:You know, smoking ages you. It really does. Look at Kramer - he looks like he's been smoking for thirty years. His face is all weathered and lined. It's like time-lapse photography, except instead of a flower blooming, it's a man deteriorating.

Jerry:You should have expected this.

Kramer:I was prepared for serious diseases, but not facial damage.

Kramer:My face is my livelihood. I'm a model, jerry. A MODEL! And now look at me.

Kramer:All my success, everything I've accomplished in life - it's all been because of my looks.

Ben:Can you help me with this crossword clue? It's a four-letter word for a feline.

Elaine:Oh, that's easy. Dog.

George:I'm giving it up. I'm doing this for me, but I'm also doing it for the world. I'm like a fireman. When they go into a building, they're not just doing it for themselves. They're doing it for humanity. I'm gonna be out there, and I'm not gonna do it, and the world's gonna benefit.

George:I'm doing the world a favor.

Jerry:You're not doing the world a favor. You're doing the world a *disservice*. You're taking yourself out of the gene pool.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:But you don't believe it.

George:It doesn't matter. I don't care if it's true. And I don't care if I don't believe it.

Kramer:George, even for you, this is bad.

George:My brain is on fire.

Jerry:So I'm thinking about doing this thing where I teach kids about static electricity. I rub a balloon on my head, it sticks to the wall. That's it. That's the whole thing.

Jerry:George is over here with his periodic table and his beakers, and I'm like, 'I got a balloon, buddy. We're golden.'

George:I'm thinking of traversing to some bucolic locale for my sabbatical. Perhaps somewhere with a more salubrious climate.

Jerry:George, what happened to you?

George:I've been engaging in more cerebral pursuits. Reading Dostoevsky, attending the philharmonic.

Elaine:Since when do you use words like 'salubrious'?

George:Since I decided to expand my lexicon and elevate my discourse.

Kramer:This is weird, man.

Jackie Chiles:We have a case! We have a case! Look at your face! You look like a shriveled up old man! We can sue! We can definitely sue!

George:Look, I'll tell you what. I'll make it as impersonal as possible.

George:I won't even look at you.

Elaine:That won't be difficult.

Elaine:No, George. Absolutely not.

George:Why not? What's wrong with me?

Elaine:Where do I even start?

Kramer:Hey.

Elaine:Oh, Kramer! Yes!

Louise:I need to have sex.

George:Sex? Louise, I'm surprised at you. I thought you were above such carnal needs. We have minds, Louise. Minds! Why must we be slaves to our base desires when we could be pursuing intellectual endeavors, reading Proust, discussing philosophy?

Jackie:You're a horrible twisted freak!

Tobacco Lawyer:Ruggedly masculine.

Jackie Chiles:You've been smoking for four days? Four days?! In four days you're going to look like a shrunken head.

Ben:I was going to break up with you after I passed my exam. It's what doctors do.

Elaine:What?

Ben:It's universal. All doctors do it. Break up with their girlfriend right after they pass their licensing exam. It's like a tradition.

George:I went back to her place. What was I gonna do? I'm evolving. It's not just about sex anymore. It's about the future. I'm thinking about my life, my career, my overall well-being. And then I realize - I'm an idiot.

George:So I said to myself, 'George, you gotta think about this logically. What are the odds? She's available, I'm available, she wants to... and I'm thinking about my future when I should be thinking about my present.'

George:It's simple mathematics. Opportunity plus desire divided by fear equals... well, equals me at her apartment.

Jerry:You ever notice how teachers always say 'homework'? They never say 'homefun' or 'homeplay'? It's always 'homework.' That's because it IS work. If it was fun, they'd call it something else. But no, they gotta be honest about it. 'Here's your homework.' Translation: 'Here's some work for your home.' Thanks a lot.

TV executive:You know, monitor lizards are very dangerous. I was down in Mexico, and I saw this guy get attacked by one. It was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen.

TV executive:The lizard just came out of nowhere and just started clawing at him. Blood everywhere.

George · Jerry:Jerry: 'So you're never gonna have sex again?' George: 'Well, Jerry... there was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.'

George · Jerry:George: 'Sports are so pedestrian. I prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.' vs. Jerry's: 'I wrote a 20-minute bit about how homework stinks.'

George:George randomly breaks into what sounds like a European vacation recap: 'Oh, my vacation was restful, resplendent, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm planning on going to Corfu.'

Jackie · Kramer:Jackie Chiles appears and is immediately told to get out by someone, but reverses when Kramer mentions suing the tobacco companies.

Jackie:'I've been wanting a piece of them for years.'

Jackie:Jackie to the tobacco company lawyer: 'Your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen into a horrible, twisted freak.'

Ms. Wilkie:The tobacco company lawyer says she 'disagrees' and considers Kramer to project 'a rugged masculinity.'

Jackie:Jackie: 'Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.'

Elaine · George:Elaine to George: 'You got 11 minutes?' George: 'What for?' — the pause before George understands what Elaine is propositioning

Jackie Chiles:Jackie Chiles predicts: 'By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.'

Jackie:Jackie: 'You better believe it. Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement.'

Ben · Elaine:Ben breaks up with Elaine immediately after passing his licensing exam: 'I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.'

Elaine:Elaine: 'Lookit. Are we gonna have sex or not?'

George · Jerry:George is lost on the way to his old junior high. Jerry: 'Got lost? We went to school here for three years.'

Jerry:'What are these? Take me to your leader.' — Jerry's reaction to seeing sixth-graders.

Jerry · George:'Oh, my God, you had sex.' / 'You had sex with Louise.' / 'No, the Portuguese waitress.'

George:'I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.'

George:'I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.'

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up bit at the school assembly: 'Hey, kids, what's the deal with homework? You're not working on your home.'

Kramer · Jackie:Kramer's settlement: he gets a lifetime supply of cigarettes instead of money.

Kramer · Jackie Chiles:Kramer's settlement reveal: instead of money, the tobacco company gave them cartons of cigarettes

Jackie:Jackie: 'This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.'

Jackie Chiles:Jackie Chiles: 'This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.'

Booker · Jerry:Jerry is told Letterman's show won't have him — he's been cancelled because of the junior high assembly flap, and they mention he was 'bumped by a lizard.'

Jerry · Booker:Jerry corrects the booker who calls him 'Jimmy': 'Jerry.' Booker: 'Right. Jerry.'

Jerry:Jerry explains: 'It was a — actually, it was a monitor lizard. Those things, deadly, dangerous. A long time ago, my uncle and a date are driving through Mexico...'