The Little Jerry

Jerry:You know what I realized? There's a social rule that nobody talks about. If you're waiting for someone, the longer you wait, the less angry you can be when they show up. It's like your anger has an expiration date. You wait five minutes, you're furious. You wait forty-five minutes, you're just glad to see them. You're like, 'Hey! Great, you made it!'

George:I'm not late.

Jerry:George, we left an hour ago.

George:Well, I'm here now.

Jerry:He taped it up on his cash register with all of the other bad checks.

Jerry:Why do we blame the chicken for bad eggs? The chicken didn't do anything wrong. The chicken laid an egg. That's it. That's the job. But if it's a bad egg, suddenly the chicken's a criminal. 'Oh, what a bad chicken.' No! The chicken's not bad. The egg is bad. But we personify it. We make it like the chicken sat there and said, 'You know what? I'm gonna make this one bad. I'm gonna ruin this person's breakfast.'

Kramer:Hey, you're not gonna believe what happened to me at the dentist today!

Kramer:I was sitting in the chair, right? And Dr. Whatley, he's poking around, and he finds this tooth. This tooth that's been dead for years!

Kramer:A dead tooth! Just sitting there! And you know what the best part is? He says I can keep it!

George:So you still do a lot of charity work?

Jerry:Yeah, I do some stuff.

George:What kind of stuff?

Jerry:Well, you know, I write checks, I go to benefits...

George:But why? I mean, what's in it for you?

Jerry:What do you mean 'what's in it for me?' It's charity.

George:Exactly. So why do you do it?

Jerry:Because it makes me feel good about myself.

George:I'm going to go visit my brother in prison. I figure I'll bring some snacks, maybe catch a few fights.

Elaine:You bounced a check? Jerry, that's so embarrassing.

Jerry:I know, I know. But it gets worse.

Elaine:What could be worse?

Jerry:The checks have Porky Pig on them.

Kramer:These eggs are trapped! They've been living in a cage their whole lives, they never see the light of day, they never feel the grass beneath their feet... and then one day, BAM! They end up on your plate!

Elaine:Honey? Did you just call me honey?

George:Wait a minute. You're bald. You shaved your head. Why would you shave your head?

Kurt:I like the way it looks.

George:You look like you're from the future.

Kurt:What is that, a hairpiece?

George:No! This is my hair. This is who I am.

George:I've been losing my hair since I was in high school. You know how that feels? To watch yourself disappear a little bit every day?

George:But I didn't let it stop me. I got out there. I met women. I had relationships. Sure, they didn't last long, but that's not because of my hair!

George:This head... this bald head... it's a symbol of my struggle, my perseverance, my dignity as a man!

Kurt:So what's your deal? You some kind of wise guy or something?

Jerry:No, I'm just a comedian.

Kurt:A comedian? That's hilarious. I've seen funnier stuff on a cereal box. You know what? You're a loser. A real nobody.

Jerry:Well, thanks for the feedback.

Kurt:Don't mention it. Guys like you, you're a dime a dozen in this city.

Jerry:It's your own bodega!

Marcelino:No shoes, no shirt, no service. It's the rule.

George:Wait, there's no violence? No punishment? What kind of prison is this?

George:I was expecting at least some intimidation, maybe a shiv or two. This is just a big timeout.

George:The foundation? I don't run it, but I'm very much involved in the decision-making process. I'm like the idea man. I come up with concepts, strategies... I'm instrumental.

Celia:George, you're free! This is wonderful! We can finally be together!

Jerry:So you're dating a prisoner now?

George:She's not a prisoner, she's in prison.

Jerry:What's the difference?

George:Well, a prisoner is someone who's been convicted of a crime. She just happens to be serving her time.

Jerry:George, she killed a man.

George:Yeah, but she's got a great personality.

George:You know, there are some very practical advantages to dating a woman in prison.

George:She can't leave you. She's got nowhere to go. She can't show up at your apartment unexpectedly.

George:You know exactly where she is at all times. And conjugal visits? You're a hero.

George:You know what the thing about prison dating is? I don't have to worry about unexpected visits. No one's showing up at my cell unannounced. 'Oh, I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop by.' You can't just drop by a prison. There's a process. Forms. Metal detectors. By the time someone gets through all that, they better really want to see you.

George:Conjugal visits? What are you talking about? I'm not going to prison!

George:Besides, if I did go to prison, you think they're gonna let me have conjugal visits? I can't even get a date on the outside!

Jerry:You don't have a refrigerator?

Kramer:No, I got a really nice one at my mother's place.

Kramer:I brought some chicken feed.

Jerry:Chicken feed? Kramer, what are you doing with chicken feed?

Kramer:Well, I'm thinking about getting some chickens.

Jerry:You're thinking about getting chickens? In Manhattan?

Kramer:Why not? It's a free country.

Jerry:It's not free, and it's definitely not for chickens.

Jerry:Why did you buy a chicken? What are you going to do with a chicken?

Elaine:Oh my God, you had hair! Look at you!

Kurt:Yeah, well, I lost it.

Elaine:I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I mean, you look great now. Bald is very... it's very in right now.

Elaine:Oh my God, you shaved your head! Why would you do that?

Kurt:I wanted to see what I'd look like.

Elaine:Well, you look like a jerk.

Kramer:I'm gonna name the rooster after Jerry.

Kramer:Well, you know, I was at the butcher shop, and the guy said 'That's a rooster.' I said, 'A rooster?' He said, 'Yeah.' I said, 'Well, how was I supposed to know? It didn't have the little red thing on top of its head.'

George:Well, don't wait too long.

Elaine · Kurt · Elaine:It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it was. Well, it still is. / I shaved my head for my swim team. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it. / Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? I mean, with you under it?

Jerry:My parents keep trying to send me money. I said, 'Don't send me money!' They said, 'We want to help you.' I said, 'You want to help me? Don't send me money. You send me money, I'm gonna take it, go down to the track, and bet it all on a horse named Socks. And when Socks loses, which he will, I'm gonna blame you for the rest of my life.'

George:She's in prison, so I get to see her whenever I want. I show up, she's there. I don't show up, she's still there. It's the perfect relationship.

Jerry:Wait, he shaves his head on purpose? That's like voluntarily choosing to be bald. That's like walking into a store and saying, 'I'll take the disadvantage package, please.'

Jerry:It's brown.

Elaine:It's not brown. It's... it's a chestnut. It's a subtle chestnut. I get it highlighted.

Elaine:You don't understand. Hair is everything. It's the first thing people notice about you.

George:That's not true.

Elaine:Yes it is. If you have bad hair, you might as well be invisible.

Jerry:I have bad hair.

Elaine:Exactly.

Jerry's Father · Jerry's Mother · Jerry:I don't see envelopes. / They're right in front of you. / Oh, for heaven's sakes. Let me show you. / Ma, Ma, Ma!

Kurt:My hair isn't growing back evenly.

Kurt:It's all going to be lopsided.

Kurt:I'm going to look like a stroke victim.

Celia:I might get paroled!

George:That's wonderful! Congratulations! This is the best news I've heard all week!

Kramer:What's wrong with cockfighting? Two guys, they get in the ring, they fight it out, see who's best. That's what I like about it.

Kramer:He's got this move, see, where he comes at you with his wings up, real high and tight. That's his guard.

Kramer:Then he'll bob and weave, little feints with the head. He's very technical.

Kramer:But when he goes for the kill, he drops his shoulder and comes in with a devastating right cross.

George:She'll want a nice apartment, clothes, some spending money.

Jerry:So basically, you.

George:It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. I mean, I do the same things I've always done and it doesn't work. I don't understand what's going on.

Jerry:Well, maybe that's the problem. Maybe you need to change.

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' it. But it's all going downhill. All of it.

Jerry:So what do you want to do?

George:I gotta get away from it. Get a fresh start or something.

Jerry:Well, you know what? I think if you're gonna change, you gotta do it now while you have nothing to lose.

George:You're right. But how do I change? What do I do?

Jerry:Well, I would say just be honest with yourself. If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:If every instinct I have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Elaine:Is that a stain on your shirt?

Kurt:Yeah, I haven't changed clothes in a day.

Jerry:Eighty-five cents for gum? What is this, gum for rich people? I'm not paying eighty-five cents for gum. I could get a whole pack of gum for that price!

Jerry:Cockfighting is immoral.

Kramer:Oh, come on, Jerry. It's natural. It's in their nature to fight. You can't blame them for what they are.

Kramer:You know, the thing about Little Jerry is, he's got that killer instinct. Unlike Big Jerry over here, who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. But Little Jerry? Little Jerry's a fighter. He's got the reflexes, he's got the moves. Big Jerry's got... well, Big Jerry's got nothing. So really, when you think about it, Little Jerry makes Big Jerry look like... well, like Big Jerry.

Kramer:You know, Jerry, I've been thinking about your career, and frankly, it's not going well. You're not a real comedian, you're just a guy who complains about everyday things. That's not comedy, that's whining. And you do it on stage for money. That's worse than whining, that's fraud.

George:She's very organized. She keeps detailed records of everything. She's meticulous about planning and scheduling.

Parole Officer:That's good to hear.

George:And she's very discreet. She never talks to anyone about her business. Very secretive. Keeps to herself.

Parole Officer:Uh-huh.

George:Plus, she's got excellent money management skills. Lots of cash on hand. Never trusts banks. Deals strictly in cash transactions.

George:You know what? I guarantee it. I guarantee that within six months, Celia will be involved in some kind of criminal activity. Bank robbery, insurance fraud, something. I'm telling you, it's written all over her face.

Jerry:I can't do it. I can't make the rooster take a dive. What kind of example would that set? I'm Jerry! I can't throw a fight with a rooster named Jerry!

George:It's not just baldness. It's a strategic retreat.

George:It's not just hair, Kurt. It's who you are. It's your identity. When you look in the mirror, you see a man. But without hair? You see a man who's dying. Slowly. Inevitably. Your follicles are betraying you, one by one, like rats abandoning a sinking ship. And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You just have to sit there and watch yourself disappear, a little bit each day, until one morning you wake up and you don't recognize the bald man staring back at you.

George:She escaped? How did she escape?

George:Well, what do you want me to do about it? I didn't put her in there.

George:This is not my problem.

George:She just shows up at my apartment! No call, no warning, nothing! Just pops in!

Jerry:That's a pop-in.

George:A pop-in! I don't like pop-ins. Nobody likes pop-ins. It's not civilized. You call ahead, you let people know you're coming.

Jerry:So what did you do?

George:What could I do? I'm standing there in my underwear, half-eaten sandwich in my hand. I'm not prepared for a pop-in!

Jerry:This is true. Pop-ins are a violation.

George:A violation! It's worse than a violation. It should be illegal. There should be laws against pop-ins. You could go to jail for a pop-in.

Jerry:What would the charge be? Aggravated pop-in?

George:Exactly! Ten to fifteen for a pop-in. Twenty if it's during a meal!

George:You know what the ultimate taboo relationship dynamic is? A guy on the inside, a woman on the outside. She visits him in prison, brings him cigarettes, files for conjugal visits... I mean, that's the ultimate power play. He's got nothing, she's got everything, and somehow he's still in control.

Jerry:Marriage is a big step.

Elaine:Yeah, well, I'm not even on the staircase yet.

Kramer:Yeah, if you've got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight.

Kurt:I'm not George Costanza!

Police Officer:Well, you're bald.

Kurt:So what? Lots of people are bald!

Police Officer:Not like this.

Kurt:I'm not bald! I'm just receding. There's a difference. The cop said I was bald and I took offense to that.

George:You know, I'm losing my hair.

Kurt:Yeah, well, I'm losing my freedom. I think I got the worse deal.

Parole Board · George:Does she have any plans after she's released? / Plans. Schemes. / She keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends. You know, 'the gang,' she likes to call them. / Yeah, they're hatching something. You can count on that.

Marcelino:Well, perhaps some day you will do me a favor. / And that day is today.

Jerry:Jerry Seinfeld, big or little, doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at any time.

Marcelino:Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.

George:Yeah, classic horseshoe pattern. / I've seen a lot of this.

George · Kurt:Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter, then you won't be Kurt anymore. / What will I be?

Kurt · George:How long do I have? / Fourteen months, maybe 10. / Is there anything I can do? / Yes... live, damn it. Live every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life, because in many ways it is.

Celia · George:Well, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out. / And you just decided to pop in?

George:I've discovered something better than conjugal-visit sex. Fugitive sex.

Kramer · Jerry:Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under 30 seconds. / Is that good? / I don't know.

George · Jerry:Celia broke out of prison. / I'm sitting at home, she shows up at the door. / Oh, my God, the breakout pop-in.

Jerry:This is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex.... I got a cockfight to focus on.

Kurt:No, no, no, it has to be now.

Jerry · Elaine:So you're actually considering it? / Well, it will be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those will be good times.

Jerry · Elaine:Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life will totally change. / Jerry, it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?

Kramer · Jerry:This came for you Express Mail. It's from your parents.

Jerry:Fifty dollars. I don't believe this.

George:Look at the size of his bird. That looks like a dog with a glove on his head.

Celia:Hi, is George back from the cockfight yet? I've got to thank him. He changed my life.

Police Officer · Newman · Kurt:Well, well, well, look who's here. / Oh, man. / Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive. / I'm not George Costanza. / Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go.

Police Officer:We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go.

Kramer · Jerry:Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68-0. / He's a ringer. / Where's the tamale guy?

Kramer · Jerry:Okay. I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68-0. / He's a ringer.

Jerry · Kurt:Why? Why'd you get into a fistfight with the cop? / They thought I was George. / I'm not that bald. / And I have too little time left to take that crap, so I slugged him.

Jerry · Kurt:How long are you gonna be in here for? / My lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior maybe 10.