Oprah's Baby Daddy

Dave Chappelle:Like I'll be with my kids and people be like, 'I'm Rick James, bitch.'

Dave Chappelle:Bicycle. Monkey. Ashy Larry.

Dave Chappelle:I wonder what Arsenio's doing right now. He probably at a wine and cheese party.

Dave Chappelle:How come you didn't tell me how good the cheese was? Motherfucker. Some good-ass cheese.

Dave Chappelle:Bob Eubanks-lookin' motherfucker, you should've told me how good the cheese was!

Dave Chappelle:How you gonna rip it like this, son, how you gonna rip it like that, son

Dave Chappelle:$12,000,000! (dinging register)

Dave Chappelle:Waitress, get this nigga something to drink.

Dave Chappelle:(thinking) Nascar race. Unicorns. Dirty diapers.

Dave Chappelle · Oprah:Dave, it's Oprah. Look Dave, I'm pregnant. Are you sure it's mine? No, Dave, listen, it's yours. Got ya bitch!

Dave Chappelle:can you have a limousine pick me up at the baggage claim, because I don't have no cab money

Dave Chappelle · Boss:Kiss my ass, everybody! Excuse me, can I have a quick word with you? Ah, kiss my ass.

Dave Chappelle:Hey, everybody, I've got an announcement to make! Ding, ding, ding ding, ding! I quit!

Dave Chappelle:it's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah: My seed, son!

Dave Chappelle:I'm rich, bitch!

Dave Chappelle:remember your spirit. (farts) Oh, it sprayed.

Dave Chappelle:Baby, hey, baby, you mind if I get a happy ending? She didn't say no.

Dave Chappelle:$7,000 an hour. Sounds expensive, but I think the safety of you and our baby is priceless

Dave Chappelle:Give it up for my baby's momma, Oprah motherfucking Winfrey

Dave Chappelle:Look, Stedman, you gonna have to move on, alright? No, fuck that, I don't care what y'all had. She's having my baby, okay?

Dave Chappelle:Look, Stedman, you gonna have to move on, alright? No, fuck that, I don't care what y'all had. She's having my baby, okay?

Dave Chappelle:Nigga looks just like Dr. Phil!

Dave Chappelle · Oprah:Oprah, what about our dreams, huh? / Sorry, Dave. / What am I gonna do now? I quit my job. Shit!

Dave Chappelle:What's reasonable doubt to a white person, you know, might not be a reasonable doubt to a black person.

Dave Chappelle:O.J. Ain't gonna kill nobody, he's rich.

Dave Chappelle:what black man don't have some bloody gloves on his property? Nigga, I got one right here.

Dave Chappelle:We would've made real orange juice out of that nigga.

Dave Chappelle:Fuhrman? He's a racist, it's a racist name. You're sayin', what is he a furor, German... Sound a little familiar to you?

Dave Chappelle:Exactamundo! The defense rests, sir.

Dave Chappelle:Sir, my blackness will not permit me to make a statement like that.

Dave Chappelle:Sir, my blackness will not permit me to make a statement like that.

Dave Chappelle:Michael Jackson has many faces, none of 'em look guilty to me. You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses.

Dave Chappelle:So, some people say that cucumbers taste better pickled. What? Huh?

Dave Chappelle:There's a head, a shaft, some balls, hair, maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it.

Dave Chappelle:Come on, dude, I couldn't pick my own penis out of a lineup, all right. And me and my penis is like this, son.

Dave Chappelle:He made Thriller... Thriller. So you'd let your children sleep with him? Fuck no! Eww.

Dave Chappelle:So you'd let your children sleep with him. / Fuck no! Eww.

Dave Chappelle:Baretta did that shit.

Dave Chappelle:Have I seen it! Like 80 times. You know the part where he's waiting for her to come over, and he's looking in the camera like... (grunting)

Dave Chappelle:For all I know, that piss was digital. They get crazy with special effects.

Dave Chappelle:For all I know, that piss was digital. They get crazy with special effects.

Dave Chappelle:you give me that kind of money, R. Kelly can fart in my dinner tonight. Spray-fart.

Dave Chappelle:if I saw a tape of R. Kelly peeing on a girl while he was singing 'Piss On You'... lovers wanna love...

Dave Chappelle:That's my Robert, always peeing on people. Don't forget her hair Robert. Yes, grandmother.

Dave Chappelle:I've seen a tape where five cops beat up a nigga and they said that they had reasonable doubt.

Dave Chappelle:How come they didn't find Big and Tupac's murderers but they arrest O.J. the next day? Nicole Simpson can't rap.

Dave Chappelle:Some good-ass cheese, shit... wait... I'm chokin' on cheese.

Dave Chappelle:Say 'yes, grandmama' to the camera. Yes, grandmama.