Oprah's Baby Daddy

Dave Chappelle:Dave describes people screaming 'I'm Rick James, bitch!' at him in the street while he's with his kids

Dave Chappelle:People coming up to Dave to pitch him show ideas in inappropriate moments — 'pick your spots'

Dave Chappelle · Frank Feldman:Frank interrupts Dave kissing his wife in a restaurant to pitch a movie, sits down uninvited, introduces himself as 'Frank Feldman'

Frank Feldman:The movie pitch: Dave plays 'Colt 45,' an underground street poet who is 'a rebel with a big heart'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's interior monologue while being pitched to: 'Bicycle. Monkey. Ashy Larry.'

Dave Chappelle · Arsenio Hall (imagined):Dave imagines Arsenio Hall at a wine and cheese party, getting angry that no one told him how good the cheese was

Dave Chappelle:Dave imagines himself as a rapper: 'How you gonna rip it like this, son / how you gonna rip it like that, son / I don't play that' — then realizes 'I need a gimmick'

Frank Feldman · Dave Chappelle:Frank's pitch reaches 'a big showdown at the foot of the space shuttle' while Dave is humming to himself

Dave Chappelle · Frank Feldman:When Frank mentions '$12,000,000,' Dave snaps back to attention and orders him a drink: 'Waitress, get this nigga something to drink'

Dave Chappelle:Dave starts pitching changes to Frank's movie — and then his mind wanders again: 'Nascar race. Unicorns. Dirty diapers.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave imagines what 'the girl' is thinking, which cuts to what is clearly a very explicit/absurd sexual fantasy — represented only by Dave's laughter before the scene cuts

Dave Chappelle:Dave's inner thought: 'Wonder what my girl thinking about' cuts to her thinking about who she'd love to have sex with — both laughing

Dave Chappelle · Oprah (voice):Oprah calls Dave to say she's pregnant. Dave immediately asks 'Are you sure it's mine?'

Dave Chappelle:'Got ya bitch!' — Dave has put Oprah on hold and is laughing; the 'got ya' implies he's pranking someone about her being pregnant

Dave Chappelle · Oprah (voice):Dave agrees to fly to Chicago but needs Oprah to send him a ticket — and a limousine from baggage claim 'because I don't have no cab money'

Dave Chappelle:Dave immediately goes to work and announces 'I quit! Kiss my ass, everybody!'

Dave Chappelle · Coworker:Coworker asks for a word; Dave says 'Kiss my ass.' Then: 'Can you type a memo of that and send it around?'

Dave Chappelle · Sally:'It's not what's gotten into me, it's what's gotten into Oprah: My seed, son!'

Dave Chappelle:'I'm rich, bitch!' (catchphrase drop in context)

Boss:Boss mutters: 'Nobody ever listens to me around here. I'm not dangerous! At least I wasn't dangerous.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave addresses the office with 'Remember your spirit' — then immediately farts, says 'Oh, it sprayed,' and leaves

Dave Chappelle · Oprah · Chung Lee:Dave at Oprah's mansion, telling her to 'stay off your feet, boo' as he heads out — then walks to a massage table where Chung Lee is waiting

Dave Chappelle · Oprah · Chung Lee:Dave asks Oprah mid-massage if he can get a 'happy ending' — 'She didn't say no'

Dave Chappelle · Oprah · Bodyguard:Dave introduces a bodyguard to Oprah: 'It's Bruce Lee's brother' — who charges $7,000 an hour; then the bodyguard screams and attacks someone in the street

Bruce Lee's Brother:The bodyguard does a martial arts scream and charges at someone near Oprah

Dave Chappelle · Oprah · Felicia:Dave introduces 'Felicia' to Oprah and kisses her — 'Be out in a minute, sweetie, I'm just painting'

Dave Chappelle · Oprah:Dave addresses Oprah to the party crowd: 'Give it up for my baby's momma, Oprah motherfucking Winfrey' — and tells her to run her own bathwater

Dave Chappelle · Stedman Graham (voice):Dave tells Stedman Graham on the phone: 'She's having my baby. So you leave this family alone. I love her! Fine, whatever, bitch.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave mutters to himself: 'Stedman Graham, if you fuck this up for me...' — as a private threat to a man who wasn't even on the phone anymore

Dave Chappelle:The baby is born and looks exactly like Dr. Phil — 'Nigga looks just like Dr. Phil!'

Dave Chappelle:'Women are smart, men are stupid' — the graphic/voice-over tag on the baby reveal

Dave Chappelle · Oprah:Dave realizes he quit his job because Oprah was pregnant and he has nothing now

Dave Chappelle · Stedman:Dave, defeated: 'Stedman, we gonna get this bitch.' — recruiting his former rival to get revenge on Oprah together

Dave Chappelle:Dave sets up the jury selection bit: his Black friend Neal never believes Black celebrities are guilty — leading to O.J., Michael Jackson, Robert Blake, R. Kelly

Dave Chappelle:Dave on O.J.: 'O.J. ain't gonna kill nobody, he's rich.'

Dave Chappelle · Lawyer:DNA found in the bedroom, at the crime scene, AND in the car — Dave's repeated 'Damn... in the car? Right in his car?' reaction beats

Dave Chappelle:'What black man don't have some bloody gloves on his property? Nigga, I got one right here.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'Nobody in my family beef with O.J. like that. And we would've killed O.J. after the first time he beat my sister up... We would've made real orange juice out of that nigga.'

Dave Chappelle · Lawyer:Dave's reaction to 'Detective Fuhrman': 'Fuhrman? He's a racist, it's a racist name. Fuhrman. German. Sound a little familiar to you? I'm sorry, sir, but he probably says nigger a lot, with a name like that.'

Dave Chappelle:'Exactamundo! The defense rests, sir.' / 'No further questions!'

Dave Chappelle:'Sir, my blackness will not permit me to make a statement like that.'

Dave Chappelle:Michael Jackson 'has many faces, none of 'em look guilty to me' / 'You gotta look in the eyes, not the noses'

Dave Chappelle:'Some people say cucumbers taste better pickled.' — Dave's non-sequitur response to 'he's been accused of this more than once'

Dave Chappelle:Dave guesses Jackson's penis description: 'a shaft, some balls... hair, maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it'

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'I couldn't pick my own penis out of a lineup, all right. And me and my penis is like this, son.' (holds up crossed fingers)

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'He made Thriller... Thriller.' — as complete exoneration

Lawyer · Dave Chappelle:'So you'd let your children sleep with him.' / 'Fuck no! Eww.'

Dave Chappelle:'Oh, yeah. Baretta did that shit.' — Dave on Robert Blake

Dave Chappelle:Dave watched the R. Kelly tape 'like 80 times' and describes the part where 'he's looking in the camera like...' (grunting)

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'For all I know, that piss was digital. They get crazy with special effects.' — then mimes urinating and says 'I didn't even just do that. Did I do that? That piss was digital.'

Dave Chappelle:'You give me that kind of money, R. Kelly can fart in my dinner tonight. Spray-fart.'

Dave Chappelle · R. Kelly's Grandmother (acted out):Dave's conditions for believing R. Kelly is guilty: the tape, the girl with two forms of government ID, a police officer, four or five buddies, Neal taking notes, AND R. Kelly's grandmother confirming his identity while saying 'That's my Robert, always peeing on people'

R. Kelly's Grandmother · R. Kelly:'Don't forget her hair, Robert.' 'Yes, grandmother.' — grandmother coaching R. Kelly mid-urination

Dave Chappelle:Dave: 'The burden of proof is on the state, on the state! You have got to prove to me, beyond a reasonable doubt, whether or not this man is a pisser.'

Dave Chappelle:'How come they didn't find Big and Tupac's murderers but they arrest O.J. the next day? Nicole Simpson can't rap. I want justice!'

Dave Chappelle:'This whole goddamn court is out of order, everybody!' — Dave's Al Pacino/Scent of a Woman breakdown

Dave Chappelle:'And that's from the heart.' — Dave's solemn sign-off after the chaotic monologue

Dave Chappelle:After Wyclef's performance, Dave's 'I'm rich biatch' catchphrase plays over the credits, followed by Dave choking on the 'good-ass cheese'

Dave Chappelle:'Some good-ass cheese, shit... wait... I'm choking on cheese. I ate too much of that good-ass cheese.'

Director (voice) · Dave Chappelle:'Say yes, grandmama to the camera.' / 'Yes, grandmama.' — a meta post-credits bit with someone directing a confused-looking Dave